Disclaimer: Do you honestly think, that if I own these characters, I'd spend my time writing fanfiction? Yeesh. All characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and I'm not making any money out of this.
A.N: Eeeep. I apologise for taking so dreadfully long for this chapter. Life just caught up to me. It is longer than the previous one, though, so hopefully that makes up for it? Enjoy!
Oh! Thank you so much to all my reviewers! I really appreciate your comments and suggestions. And go read my other story, Interruptions, so i can get 1000 hits!
X-X-X-X-X
Hermione Granger, for the twenty-seventh time in her life, was at a loss. What do you do when you suddenly get married to your ugly Potions Master? Though actually, she thought, staring at him, he wasn't that bad looking at all. His nose wasn't hooked; it was classically Roman or Greek. His eyes were deeply intense black, fathomless, and every other cave-related metaphor that you can think of. She turned her inspection to his body as he wearily shrugged off his voluminous robes. He wasn't skinny, he was lean. He had muscles in all the right places. His butt was…well…it just screamed to be slapped. As for his lower wand… Hermione had to look down to hide her grin. Perhaps this marriage wouldn't be so bad after all.
Severus Snape settled into a chair and pinched the bridge of his nose. He needed a stiff drink. Right. Now. Married to the bushy-haired, child Know-It-All. Although, he thought, sneaking a look at her, maybe the child part of his description was unwarranted. She was still in her hem of a skirt, which showed off wonderfully long, lean legs. Her hair wasn't bushy; it had been tamed through some miraculous product and was just a wonderful mix of curls and waves. Her eyes were chocolately, cinnamony, and any other food-related metaphor that you can think of. Her lips were bubblegum pink and inviting (though Severus had no idea what bubblegum was). Her body had curves in all the right places. When had that happened? Oh right, in the last minute, thanks to this blasted parody writer. She had suddenly looked down and smiled. Severus had never seen so seductive a sight in his entire life (pretty sad, huh). Perhaps this marriage wouldn't be so bad after all.
Severus may have been a good, noble, honourable man, and all that. But the fact still remained that he was a man, and one who had been celibate for quite a while, too. He wasn't going to pass up a beautiful opportunity like this. Heck, he even had Dumbledore's approval! Considering the state of that man's mind, however, that probably wasn't much. But nevertheless.
"Hermione," he rumbled in his silky, velvety, and every other clothing material-related metaphor that you can think of. Hermione shuddered. That man had given her name faaar too many syllables. You'd think, after seven years of having her in his classes, he'd know how to pronounce it.
"Yes?"
"You realise that now that we are husband and wife, we have certain…duties."
"Oh, don't worry about that. I've already taken care of it."
Momentarily dumbfounded (an occurrence that was happening far too frequently recently) Severus said, "You have? How?"
"With Dumbledore, of course. And Dobby helped a bit."
"WHAT?"
"Don't look so surprised, you didn't think I'd make you do it when Dobby is so eager, and so much more experienced, did you?"
"WHAT?"
"Professor, why are you having an apoplectic fit just because I asked Dobby to bring my belongings down here?"
"WHA..oh," Severus said sheepishly. "No, I wasn't referring to that duty."
"You weren't?" The ever-so-innocent Hermione replied.
Remembering that he was supposed to be darkly seducing the girl, Severus deepened his voice so that it hit the bottom of the Mariana Trench and gave her a lascivious smile. "No, my dear, I am referring to our…bedroom activities. Mandatory according to the contract."
Blushing-Virgin Hermione blushed becomingly. "Oh. Well, I suppose that if we have to.." She promptly stripped off her blouse and skirt, revealing that blushing virgins everywhere wear underclothing from Victoria's Secret's Sexy Little Things Collection.
Severus's jaw dropped.
As she slowly walked over to him, he decided that he should probably be participating as well. Moving towards her, they came within a centimeter of each other, gazing deeply into the other's eyes.
Wait a sec…"Professor?"
"Mmmm aaah?" He seemed to have lost all power of coherent speech
"There is no contract for our wedding."
X-X-X-X-X
So poor Hermione was stuck being married to Severus. The Marriage Law conveniently affected no one else in all of Hogwarts (although Crookshanks mysteriously started to appear wherever Mrs. Norris was), so she couldn't even discuss it with anyone. Although her and Severus's rooms were connected through the Floo network, she never used it. Severus, on the other hand, used it often. Hermione sometimes found that certain articles of her underwear were missing. Life at Hogwarts continued as normal (well, as normal as you could get while being married to your Potions Professor and people turning turtles into teapots around you). Summer was fast approaching, though. For Hermione, this was lucky because then she could probably be guaranteed a return of her underwear-garter belt set. It also helped that she wouldn't have male friends around who would pester her everyday about why, precisely, she owned a black lace thong with matching garters. The female friends who asked why there wasn't a matching bra as well would disappear, too. For Severus, the approaching summer was lucky because then he didn't need to see Hermione in his rooms again. Seeing her daily after seeing some of that underwear had been a most trying experience.
So summer came, as it does every year. Hermione was remaining at Hogwarts because her parents had a very important dental conference in Italy that was lasting, conveniently enough, three months. Deciding that having a hormonal 18-year-old in the castle with nothing to do was a bad idea, Dumbledore in his infinite, lemon drop-inspired wisdom ordered Severus and Hermione to work a potion to find a cure for lycanthropy and a prevention for Cruciatus all in one. That should keep them out of trouble.
Just like the statement "It can't get any worse," that last statement is also dying to be proven wrong. And Albus Dumbledore was very, very, wrong.
It just so happened to be an interesting coincidence that Hermione Granger, swot extraordinaire, had a second purpose for all that sexy underwear. The sight of it distracted anyone looking at from seeing the tiny time-turner that she had stashed under a fairly tame (in comparison to the rest- it had no see through parts or lace) bra. On one day when Severus chose to be a right miserable bastard and decided that they needed to work on the potion the entire day, she tucked it into her pocket so that she could later use the time to catch up on some reading (and to ensure that the story continued, of course. She still hadn't seen Severus in his underwear, and thought it only fair that if she showed him hers, he should show her his). So Hermione and Severus were holed up in the dungeons all day trying out two particularly tricky combinations of ingredients in the hopes that it would save time. Severus and Hermione each were working over a small cauldron, Hermione's hand poised to add aconite and Severus's poised to add ashwinder eggs. At the very instant that they dropped the ingredients in, of course, Severus's billowing robes (the fact that they billowed while he was standing still only confirmed Hermione's suspicions that he used a charm) knocked over a bottle of bubotuber pus that splashed over both of their cauldrons. Both of them warily backed away from the now bubbling cauldrons, fearing some sort of explosion. After five minutes passed and absolutely nothing happened, both of edged closer (to each other and to the cauldrons).
"Well. That was a close shave," murmured Severus, pleased that his Gillette Mach3Turbo had delivered as promised.
"Close shave! You bloody idiot, if you ever do that again I'll…" But what exactly Hermione would do to him (although Severus didn't really want to know) was lost forever, for Hermione's potion suddenly exploded. The sudden force against her pocket caused the time-turner to fly out. When it was in the air exactly between her and Severus, the second potion exploded, dousing Severus with a different concoction. Both potions spilled a little bit on the time turner, which spun rapidly and also exploded (the peer pressure was too much). The sand inside it covered both Severus and Hermione, and the spinning caused them both to vanish immediately from sight.
"Severus?"
"Hermione?"
"We're invisible?"
"It appears to be so."
"Well."
"Indeed."
"Wait. I can see you. You're re-appearing."
And so he was. As was Hermione.
"That seemed like a pointless interlude. What was that for?" Hermione looked mildly miffed.
"I have no idea."
They both shrugged. "Oh we…"
And this time they really both disappeared.
X-X-X-X-X
Hermione experienced the all too familiar feeling of the world spinning wildly around her. Trying desperately to quell the ever-rising feeling of nausea (it would be somewhat strange, not to mention inconsiderate, for some dude in the eighties suddenly have vomit splatter all over his head from thin air) she closed her eyes and wished desperately to land into some time NOW. No matter what time it was.
She would regret that wish later.
She landed in a tumble of robes on a hard, stone floor. Couldn't they at least have given her carpet? That landing was going to leave her with severe bruising on her bum. Picking herself up and brushing off the dust from her robes, she quickly observed her surroundings in an attempt to determine whether she was in a Muggle or Wizarding establishment. Wait a sec… wasn't that Sir Cadogan in that portrait with the water nymphs? Hermione tilted her head in various directions, almost losing her balance. She hadn't even realised one could contort themselves in that position while wearing armour. Ohhhh…that was just nasty…no wonder he kept offering to guide every girl in the halls to her classroom. But no matter how demented the picture, it certainly confirmed that she was in Hogwarts. Now, off to the Headmaster's office. Hopefully, Dumbledore was still Headmaster and the sherbet lemons hadn't addled his brain yet.
Before she could take more than a few steps, however, she found herself face-to-face (well, face-to-nose) with a person who could be none other than a young Severus Snape. Still wonderfully tall and dark, his hair now didn't look greasy, but incredibly fine and like buttersilk. His eyes were still amazingly fathomless, but with a tiny spark of humanity and warmth. That spark seemed to grow as he eyed Hermione up and down.
"And who might you be?" he attempted to rumble.
Hermione looked down to hide her ever-widening grin. His voice was a mere pebble skittering across the ground in comparison to the avalanche that he could conjure up in the future. Still, the undertones of velvet were present. Perhaps the rumbling came in the future.
Quickly assessing the situation and realizing that she had thrown on an old black robe that could pass as a student's, Hermione decided that the best plan was to pretend to be a new student. This would conveniently also give her the opportunity to snog Severus, whom she thought looked even more delectable than his older self, due to the lack of lines on his face. Figuring there was no time like the present to begin, she smiled seductively and purred.
"I'm a new student. I don't suppose that you could take me?"
Hermione grinned evilly. She could practically see him realising the innuendo and the conflicting thoughts running through his mind. The fact that his face was slowly suffusing to a deep blush but he had a distinct predatory glint in his eye as he looked at her only confirmed it.
"To the Headmaster's office, that is."
Severus visibly deflated (both overall and in the front of his robes) but agreed. The girl could become a Slytherin, after all. And that would conveniently give him the opportunity to snog her.
Dumbledore's office, 15 minutes later.
"…and that seems to be the situation." Hermione finished.
If she was hoping for a non-sherbet-lemon-infected Headmaster, she was sorely disappointed. It really made a person wonder how he managed that façade of being the invincible, all-powerful person of whom Voldemort was afraid. Then again, this bouncy Headmaster who seemed to have eaten special brownies was infinitely more frightening to Hermione than anything else she had ever seen. Perhaps it worked the same way with Voldemort. Hermione knew that being told that Dumbledore's favourite socks had flashing Betty Boop's on them was one of the scariest things in her life.
"Well, m'dear, I unfortunately have no way of sending you back to your own time right now, so you might as well get comfortable and enjoy your time here. Go around, meet people, snog Severus like you want to, and have loads of fun! Just don't mess up the timeline, OK? Because that could be annoying. Now, why don't you get Mr. Snape to show you to Potions, since he's clearly listening at the door and knows that you're from the future."
Hermione shrugged. It sounded like a plan to her.
Potions classroom, the dungeons.
"Mr. Snape, you're late!" rebuked Professor Wibblewobble. Severus smugly (and sexily, Hermione mentally added) produced the note from Dumbledore which explained his tardiness and Hermione's presence.
"Alright. Class, we have a new student, Miss Helen Meadows. Since everyone else has already partnered up, you two will work together for this assignment. It is a month long project where you pick a potion, write 5 feet of parchment on it, and brew it for a grade."
Hermione and Severus nodded that they understood, and took their spots at a cauldron.
"I want to make the "OMG-It's-Incredibly-Difficult-that-Only-I-With-My-Mad-Skills-Can-Make Potion!" demanded Severus and Hermione at the same time.
There was a pause.
"Whoa, you're good at Potions?" Severus's surprise was genuine.
"Whoa, you're good at Potions too?" Hermione's wasn't.
"Sweeeeet. That must mean we're compatible for life. Wanna snog?"
"We can't yet. I have to fall gravely ill first so that you can take care of me and have some quality bonding time."
"Oh. But that takes too much time." Severus complained.
"Well… you haven't rescued me from some dreadful situation, nor have you put me out of some misery…how can I snog you when you haven't done any of this?" Hermione fretted, because she really just wanted to get to the snogging.
Severus thought for a moment, then quickly pulled out his wand and muttered a jinx under his breath, causing Hermione to sprout boils all over her body.
"What the hell?"
"Don't worry, I will save you!" And with that, he quickly muttered the countercurse and Hermione had her beautiful, creamy, unblemished skin again.
"Oh, my hero!"
"Can we snog now?"
X-X-X-X-X
And thus, Severus and Hermione fell in love. They did absolutely everything together. They visited their special spot in the Forbidden Forest. They shared a butterbeer in The Three Broomsticks. They traveled to London. Paris. Rome. They visited all 14 Wonders of the World (magical and Muggle). They viewed the aurora borealis. They snogged in every known corner and classroom of Hogwarts (and a few unknown ones, too). Severus was pleased that his seduction had been so simple. Hermione was pleased that her seduction had been so simple.
It was all perfectly peachy until the day Dumbledore summoned Hermione to his office.
Crap, thought Hermione, Has he found out what I did with that underwear?
"My dear, you will be pleased to know that we have miraculously found a way to send you back home! It's quite complicated, involving a stolen time-turner from the Ministry, an immensely complicated potion that is one of Rowena Ravenclaw's original recipes, and lemon drops." Dumbledore announced.
Home? Oh, right. The future. Where I'm from. Riiiiiiight.
"Soo…will I be going back right now?"
"Yup! Here, drink this!" cried Dumbledore and threw a potion down her throat.
"NOOOOOO! I HAVEN'T SAID GOODBYE TO SEVERUS YET!" And Hermione raced out of the office to find him. Through the corridors and ghosts, up and down and under stairs, Severus was finally in the very last place she looked for him. Why exactly he appeared to be tanning himself by the lake was a question that Hermione ignored in her moment of pressing need.
"Hermione? What's the matter my love, sweetheart, honeybunch, cupcake, snoogly-woogly?"
"Severus...it's time."
"Time to disco? Yessss," Severus gleefully said, breaking out into some sweet dance moves.
"No, not time to disco. Honestly," tutted Hermione. "It's time…for me to leave."
Her words fell with a thud at Severus's feet. As if he didn't have enough broken appendages already. Now broken toes would be added to the list. "But...but..."
"I love you, Severus. Never forget that." Hermione whispered.
They desperately pressed their lips together, seeking comfort, passion, and in Severus's case, some of that apple pie that had been served at lunch. Arms encircled each other in a mad embrace as they snogged at a standard that couples everywhere would try to reach for the next twenty years (no one equaled it except their future selves).
"Hermione? Hermione, don't leave me!" Severus cried as she slowly faded away in his arms, leaving him clutching nothing but empty air.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Severus yelled desperately, beating out Darth Vader for the Oscar for "Most Number of O's in a Desperate Cry of Agony." "Come back, Hermione, please come back!"
Minutes ticked by, Severus still waiting.
And waiting.
And waiting.
And waiting.
And waiting.
And waiting.
And waiting.
And… and then Severus getting up and going for dinner, hoping there was more apple pie.
X-X-X-X-X
Severus Snape was inside a closet.
It was quite uncomfortable, too. There were pink feather boas hanging from every possible hook in the cabinet, along with black fishnet tights and lots of glitter. Adding to his discomfort were several batons. Severus had a suspicion that they were fire tipped.
Anyway, other than wondering what all of those things were doing in a closet, you might be wondering why Severus was in a closet.
Flashback
Severus too was experiencing some nausea-inducing G-forces as he hurtled through time. Unlike Hermione, however, he had no qualms about throwing up on a person, and promptly emptied his stomach. It seemed to help, for he crash-landed on a hard stone floor seconds after the last of the digested Froot-Loops exited his mouth.
Ouch…my poor bum…
Quickly recognising the indignity of sprawling on the floor, the Potions Master gathered his robes around him, plastered a sneer upon his countenance and examined his surroundings. Having lived most of his life at Hogwarts, it was no surprise that he realised where he was immediately.
Please, please, PLEASE let me be in the future!
Severus's past, as most of you may know, was not something that he wanted to revisit. Starting from his parents, who acted like characters out of a Dr. Seuss story on special brownies, to Voldemort, who acted like he was sneaking alcoholic Licorice Wands and Every Flavour Beans, to the Marauders, who were just on crack.
Basically, Severus's life could be used as one of the Anti-Drug commercials.
But enough of the mandatory flashback to Severus's tormented past. Trying to avoid being seen, he stalked panther-like to Dumbledore's office, humming his own theme music along the way. Reaching the office without any hassles, he spent ten minutes trying to figure out the password (Drooble's Best Blowing Gum) and stormed into the familiar circular office.
"ALBUS!"
Several minutes later the entire situation was explained, Severus was eternally thankful that he was, indeed, in the future, and Albus was reassuring Severus that he would back in his own time in no time. He then spent several more minutes laughing at his own wit. Severus was near to losing his patience when a very familiar yell came up the stairs.
"ALBUS!"
Hey…that sounds like ME.
"It IS you, Severus!" Albus shrieked. Severus started, wondering if Albus had been reading those psychic (psycho, in Severus's opinion) guide books again. But before he could voice this thought, Albus opened his mouth again. "Quick! Get yourself into that closet there! Your future self cannot see you here!"
And we come neatly back to Severus in a closet.
There were convenient peep-holes in it so that he could clearly see everything that was going on. And what was going on was far more interesting than examining how he looked in a pink feather boa.
Severus Snape was watching himself storm and rant and rage about some highlighter coloured goop all over him (though he had no idea what a highlighter was). Interestingly enough, he had managed to incorporate some disco moves into the ranting. Lots of finger-pointing up and down was going on.
What was even more interesting, however, was the woman who walked in behind Future-Severus. She had one heck of a voluptuous body, beautiful brown hair with golden brown, auburn, and honey highlights. Her open black robe only revealed more of her perfectness with her form-fitting (heaven forbid she wear anything otherwise) white shirt, black skirt, and…were those knee high stiletto boots?
Severus momentarily appreciated that he was in a closet, because he had started to drool on the boa that was draped around him and absent-mindedly shredding it with his large, manly, elegant-fingered, milky-white hands.
Kinky.
The woman had managed to shut Future-Severus up and was explaining to the Headmaster what Severus with has dance moves had not been able to; that is, the vomit had suddenly appeared on him out of midair and he was convinced that it was a prank.
Ahh. So that's where it went to.
As the woman continued trying to pacify Future-Severus in any way she could (including sticking a pacifier into his mouth) it suddenly occurred to Severus that she was eerily familiar. In fact….she looked just like his grandmother's fortune teller's niece's cousin's sister's best friend! But no wait..that one had black hair. It was a bit hard keeping them all straight. Then it hit him like a ton of bricks (and feather boas). That was Hermione Granger! Damn, when had she got that body!
A little voice in the back of Severus's brain informed him that she already looked like that in his own time. He pondered that thought for a moment. And a few more moments. And a few more moments. And then he snapped back to the present situation. Or future situation. Whatever.
"Hermione, I won't put up with this! The students don't respect me anymore. I..I…perhaps I should just leave." Future-Severus looked defeated.
Future-But-could-Be-Present-Hermione gently put her arms around him. "Severus… they do respect you, more so than they did before. More importantly, I respect you. And I love you. Don't you ever act this defeatist again, you hear me?"
Future-Severus and Hermione gazed at each other tenderly, and then Future-Severus pulled her down for a deep and grateful kiss. "I love you too, Hermione."
Severus in the closet felt a funny sensation inside of him. Perhaps it was envy, or wistfulness. He wished he could have something like that.
Wait a second….
This was the future. This was happening between himself and Hermione. So that means…
It was a lucky thing that the future couple had already left Dumbledore's office, because it was a wild man who burst out of the closet, sputtering through pink feathers that he needed to go back, and NOW. Dumbledore, far to afraid of what would happen to the rest of his beautiful boas if Severus stayed any moment longer, tossed the time-turner at him, and with a whoosh and a swoosh, Severus was gone.
Meanwhile, down the corridor…
"Severus, dahling, I see that your acting skills have not diminished since your spying days."
"M'dear, there are some things that you don't forget. However, this kind of acting is a bit different from what I had to do as a spy…perhaps I need more practice?"
"Well, I'm certainly willing to help."
"Oh good. I think we need to work on the ending a little bit more…"
X-X-X-X-X
This time, when Hermione landed in a tumble of robes, it was on something soft and warm, instead of cold and hard. Hmm… maybe someone is listening to me. She opened her eyes only to be staring into the deep, dark, warm black ones of none other than Severus Snape.
"Severus…" she whispered.
"Hermione…" he whispered equally softly.
There was a pause.
And then their lips finally met. Well, actually they had already met loads of times before, but you know what I'm getting at.
And thus, Severus and Hermione lived (and snogged) happily ever after.
X-X-X-X-X
Disclaimers:
The idea for Hermione's name in the past comes because Hermione was the name of the daughter of Helen of Troy. Also, a grange is like a meadow.
The idea of there being magical wonders of the world comes from Eoin Colfer's Artemis Fowl and the Opal Deception.
I believe snoogly-woogly is the nickname used by Mike in Monster's, Inc.
Reviews are greatly appreciated.