Chapter 3: Wish I Could Recklessly Love

Disclaimer: I don't own One Tree Hill, which frankly, depresses me!

After Lucas dropped Haley off at her house, he quickly ran back to his own. "Damn," he mumbled. "I've got five minutes. Come on, where's my damn key?" He fumbled around in his pocket before triumphantly pulling out his house key.

The "YES" he cried could be heard all around town.

Lucas quickly ran into the house and up the stairs to his room. Dropping his bag onto the dirty floor, he swiped all the papers of his even dirtier desk and rebooted his computer. He grabbed his chair, plopped down onto it and logged on to watch Peyton's podcast. All this was done in less than three minutes, and obviously, Lucas had perfected this routine. After all, this was his favourite time of day and he could not afford to miss it.

He knew that there was some sort of connection between himself and Peyton. There was no valid explanation for it…it was just there. He'd stare deep into here eyes and he'd see so many emotions swirling around in those dark eyes of her. Sometimes he saw resentment, other times he saw misery and sorrow, and sometimes, but only once in a blue moon, he saw sparks of happiness that appeared and then disappeared in a blink of an eye.

Luke had no clue if this was just an attraction to her or if it was an actual honest to gosh crush. If it was an attraction, why did he feel like he had been stabbed in the gut every time he saw Peyton and Nathan walking hand in hand or making out? If it was a crush, well, Nathan had gotten to Peyton first, and that meant that he had to get over her quickly.

"I really need a girlfriend…" mumbled Lucas to himself. "Might as well face the music. Peyton and I will never be together-" His thoughts were suddenly interrupted when he heard a familiar voice, one so recognizable that he would know it anywhere, begin to speak.

In Peyton's Room:

Brooke had long gone and Peyton began setting up for her next podcast. This podcast entry would be especially intimate, one that was close to her heart. She would finally voice all her confusion involving the two men in her life. Peyton didn't know why, but she just found it a lot easier to confide in complete strangers than in people she was close to and loved. Maybe it was because strangers didn't know her personally and thus, did not judge her for all the mistakes she had made.

She took a deep breath…and began to speak.

"Hey guys, it's me Peyton, back here with another podcast entry. You know what I really wonder? Why you guys are actually listening to me complain about my sad sorry life and my sad sorry boyfriend. It's funny how I can relate to complete strangers better than those who are close to my heart. Yeah, real funny." At this point, Peyton chuckled, but quickly resumed talking.

"Anyway, I was listening to a Natasha Bedingfield song called 'Wild Horses'. Yeah, I know, this isn't something I would normally listen to, but whatever. The lyrics just appealed to me for some reason. Anyways, this is how the chorus goes:

Wild horses I want to be like you


Throwing caution to the wind


I'll run free too


Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to


Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!

"And I'm sitting here going 'Wow!' I totally wish I could run like the wild horses and be recklessly in love. Yeah, you see, I have a problem. I have a boyfriend, but I love someone else. Honestly, why does stuff like this always happen to me? Why am I always cursed this way? Anyhow, you know when there's like, this point in your life where you've become so accustomed to a person who you think you love, but actually don't. Yeah, well in my life, it's come to a point where I have to keep reminding myself that I'm supposed to love this one person. And I've just grown so sick and tired of this stupid relationship. Honestly, we both know that it isn't working and that it's never going to work out, but yet, it's like we can't bring ourselves to end the relationship yet. I suppose one could say that in a way, our friends are the ones keeping us together. If not for them, we would've broken up long ago, but it's like they have this set of expectations that you're expected to meet. And our friends' expectations for me and Nathan? Huh! They think that we're going to stay together forever and ever and one day, marry and have kids and hell no! I am never, in a million frickin' years, going to stay together with that conceited, stuck-up jerk! Okay, so maybe this is a bit one-sided. Nathan's really not a jerk. He's got a heart of gold, he really does. It's just kind of buried under layers and layers of shit...

"Anyhow, back to the matter at hand. I don't love Nathan anymore, and he sure as HELL does not love me anymore, though he pretends to. I can tell. We haven't had sex in two months, we kiss like five-year-olds and we talk like once a month. That's how crappy our relationship is…it is so fucked up. And cause I'm too scared to end it, I have to put on this happy outlook every time I'm with my friends, to make it seem like I still really love Nathan. Bullshit.

"And then, there's Lucas. We have this bond you know? I can stare deep into his eyes and it seems like I've known him forever, inside out. He broods a lot you know, which is why my best friend Brooke calls him 'Broody'. Course, she never actually says it to his face. He'd probably just brood over why Brooke calls him that. The answer, dude? Brook is weird that way. Don't question her. Ever. You'll get an earful if you do.

"I'm surprised that Brooke hasn't actually hooked up with him yet. Sure, he's not in Nathan's class, but he's pretty close. Still, Brooke is totally not ready for commitment. And Broody? He's the type of person who'd stay together with someone he met in grade four for the rest of his life. A very committed guy. Just look at him and Haley James. I don't really know much about their relationship, except that they're really, really close. They met in like grade three or something like that, and have been practically joined at the hip since. Haley Scott…that has a nice ring to it.

"What am I kidding myself? I'm in love with Lucas Scott. But he's no Nathan Scott. And Nathan Scott is the one I should be with. I totally wish I could recklessly love. I totally wish that I was like Brooke Davis. She's uncommitted and doesn't give a shit about the guys she fucks. But I'm not. I'm Peyton damn Sawyer. And I'm running scared."

Peyton finished speaking and proceeded to take out a worn, beaten-up sketchbook. She opened it to a fresh page and began to draw.

Back At Lucas's House:

Lucas stared at the computer screen. Peyton had set up her webcam, and he could see her every feature. The tongue sticking out of the side of her mouth as she concentrated on her drawing. The eyes focused on the page, her brows wrinkled.

Then, she looked up, though only for a split second. But Lucas had seen the emotions in her eyes. Peyton was frustrated, angry, depressed. He gave up and thundered down the stairs and out the door, pausing only for a second to grab a thin jacket. He was on a mission. A mission to make Peyton Sawyer happy again. And he would succeed or die trying. Why? Because he loved her and now, he knew she loved him back.

Thanks to all my reviewers: Cadi Cay, XSmile, mary-023, and TommyQismine. Thanks so much for reviewing! I still have no clue what relationships I'm going to put in here, but Naley for sure and perhaps a bit of Leyton/ Brucas/ Jeyton. Keep reviewing please!

Luv, Cori