Chapter 9

The week before I was to meet Julian in Graz couldn't go by fast enough. Six days of apologies and puppy dog looks from Vaughn were beginning to drive me insane. Eric tried to help by spending nights over at my place making jokes and helping me drink my memories into oblivion, but it didn't help. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw the one thing that broke me in the firstplace.

Through the last few days, I felt myself drifting away from being Julia and felt myself settling more and more comfortably into being Sydney Bristow. It became easier and easier as the days went on until I barely responded to McKenas when he called me Julia.

"Julia." The name barely registered anymore. I nearly ignored it until my brain yelled at me to respond.

"I'm sorry Julian. What were you saying?"

"Are you feeling alright?"

"Of course. Why do you ask?"

"Your attention's been faltering lately and you don't respond to me when I call your name anymore."

"I've just got a lot on my mind lately."

"You're thinking about him aren't you?"

"Who?"

"Vaughn."

"Of course not. Don't be silly."

"Julia, you know you can't lie to me. I can see it in your eyes."

"Would I be crazy if I said it was getting easier and easier to be Sydney Bristow, but harder and harder to be Julia Thorne?"

"Not at all. I knew in due time you'd come back around."

"But it feels like a betrayal to who I've become."

"But you were Sydney before you were Julia."

"Yeah, but…" I shook my head and tried to focus on the urgent news I had to tell Julian

"The CIA's organizing a raid on all of The Covenant's facilities. They found out there were only the offices in Rome and the cell here in Los Angeles, so they're going in as soon as they can." I said.

"And they're sending you to help take down the Los Angeles cell, aren't they?"

"Every field agent in the Los Angeles office is going. That means me, Weiss, Vaughn, and all the others."

"Has Agent Vaughn discovered the truth about Lauren Reed?"

"I led my father to the conclusion and he brought it to Vaughn yesterday. He's still in denial, but he's more ready than any of us to take down The Covenant."

"He subconsciously knows that his wife's been betraying him all along." Julian said, "He's always had a sneaking suspicion, but nothing has confirmed it."

"I like to believe that sometimes, but no one will ever know for sure but Vaughn."

"You still love him, don't you?"

"Part of me wants to believe I do, but part of me believes I love you."

"Sydney, I see hw your eyes light up when you talk about him."

"You called me Sydney."

"That's who you are, isn't it?"

"I'm not sure anymore Julian. Who am I really? I don't even know."

"Your name isn't what's important. It's your heart that counts."

"My heart's not quite sure either."

"I know how that feels." He replied with a sigh. I knew this would come from the moment McKenas asked me to become Sydney Bristow. I knew I would lose myself in this assignment and end up no longer being Julia.

Why did my heart have to betray my mind? Was I really, truly in love with Julian or was that the Julia part of my brain telling me I should love him? Was I really in love with Michael Vaughn or was that the Sydney part of my brain saying she never got over him? Would my relationship with Julian last after this? Would I go back to being Sydney and live the rest of my days with Vaughn? I didn't know what to think anymore.

I stayed with Julian in the hotel room that night but I couldn't sleep at all. I was too afraid that if I went to sleep, I would wake up and he'd be gone. I just pulled his strong arm around me and tried to rest, if only for a few minutes.

I awoke the next morning to Julian still snoring lightly beside me. It made me smile for a moment because he looked so innocent in his sleep. Rather than disturbing that blissful innocence, I left a kiss on his forehead and a note by his bedside before I gathered my things and went to the airport.

I had to go back to Rome to collect what I could from my life as Julia Thorne. I felt tears pricking at the corners of my eyes through the whole flight, but I remained determined that lastnight wouldn't be the last night I ever spent with Julian. That hope seemed to get me through the flight, and I landed at the airport in Rome without any tears.

It wasn't until I'd arrived in my apartment and saw all the things from my old life that I began to wish things were different. Julia Thorne was the type of person that Sydney Bristow wanted to be, but had too much of a heart to become. Julia was the type of girl that would practically whore herself for the right information. Well, that was before Simon came along.

Simon Walker seemed to know just how to tame Julia. Once she'd fallen for him, his was the only bed she shared. She became a calmer, more focused person. That night in Sevilla was to be the best of their lives because they were going to run away together and leave their world behind. But once McKenas Cole knew of their plans, there would be no bests left in Julia's life. Simon died on that night in Sevilla, and so did the caring part of Julia. Or so she thought.

Julia Thorne never thought she could love again until she met Julian Sark. Though he knew her as Sydney Bristow, he could still understand who Julia Thorne was. At the same time, as I thought back, maybe Julian fell for Julia because it was the closest he could get to having Sydney Bristow. I shook that thought away because I knew Julian really loved Julia because she could understand the part of him that no one else could. Not even Sydney could understand that inner drive he had to destroy everything that ever hurt him; that darkness that could nearly send someone to the brink of madness if they didn't know how to harness it properly.

As I gathered everything I could into an empty suitcase, I wondered how much of this would ever become a part of Sydney Bristow. Would she ever have a desire to keep the photos of Julia and Simon? Would she ever be able to cherish the special memories behind the Midnight Angel statue from Julia's nighttable? Would she ever have the strength to read the diary Julia kept to write about how she felt every time she killed someone? I couldn't begin to fathom how Julia's things could ever become a part of Sydney's life, but I knew there had to be a balance somewhere.