Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

CHAPTER TWO

Albus sighed heavily and watched the uncomfortable squirming of the young man before him.

After a lengthy pause considering the alternatives Albus sighed again. "Say no more, Harry." Albus held up his hand to stop his Defense Professor. "I must know nothing else, so I can safely provide your alibi. We can have Severus take care of the bodies."

Harry rolled his eyes. "We don't need to worry about their bodies. They're fine."

"Then why do you not just obliviate them and let them get back to their lives?" Albus asked with a frown.

"Err, the Dursley's I'm not so sure about," Harry clarified. "But they're bodies are in normal working order." Harry smiled, "Actually, Dudley's lost some weight, so at least his is in better than normal shape."

Albus hadn't even blinked listening to Harry. "Well that is good news for Dudley's body, but it sounds like a hollow victory if Dudley is not within it to enjoy his slimmer figure."

Harry cringed but sheepishly agreed.

"Harry, I'm getting old," Albus said and did his best to ignore Harry's chortle. "And there is a very important lesson I have learned in the time I have known you: there are some times when it is better not to know. I believe I will leave it to your judgment as to whether you wish to inform me further on what happened today."

Harry frowned and considered it. "I'm still figuring out what happened, but I think you're going to need to know."

Albus settled back into his chair. "I'm all ears."

Harry cleared his throat. "Okay, without going into too much unnecessary detail-"

Albus sagged. "Oh dear."

Harry ignored Albus and continued, "I basically was doing Dudley a favor with Dementor Blood, that got a few unexpected and highly volatile complications. When Dudley's blood got all over Vernon and Petunia, and she poured the venom and tears down Dudley's throat I knew he was about to explode and take most Little Whinging with him."

Albus was shaking his head in sadness. He was mumbling to himself. "You try and teach them about the dark evil magics… You try and set an example…"

Harry paid him no mind as he explained, "I knew I couldn't stop the explosion, and considering Dudley was the bomb and Vernon and Petunia were nearly guaranteed collateral damage, I did the only thing I could. I grabbed them into a hug and tried to make the shield of love my mum used to protect me."

Albus looked at Harry impressed. "Your love for the Dursleys protected them?"

Harry shrugged. "Not exactly. Still trying to work that one out."

"So what's happened to the Dursleys?"

Harry was thinking deeply about that one, wondering where their souls might be.

Albus could tell Harry didn't have an answer to that question. "Alright, here's an easier question: what's happened to the Dursleys' bodies?"

"They're awake and seem to be reasonably healthy. They're still resting but I doubt they want to stay cooped up too long." Harry responded.

"They're bodies are conscious?" Albus asked amazed. "How is that possible, if the Dursleys aren't in them?"

Harry sighed and looked around the room. He quietly mumbled something about, "because… other…in 'em."

"Louder please, Harry." Albus asked.

"Because," Harry said a bit louder. "Because… there are other people in them."

Albus face crumpled in confusion. "Who?"

"Well…" Harry said as he scratched his chin. "Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon are Mum and Dad, and Dudley is Sirius."

Albus' shocked gasp was cut off by the Sorting Hat blurting out, "Oh good god Potter. This is impressive even for you."

Harry scowled harshly at the stupid hat. "Moony and Sirius are probably catching up my folks on what's been happening the last couple decades."

Albus just sat there numbly.

Harry gave Albus a pointed look. "I wouldn't be surprised if they might want to have a word with you about a few things."

Albus was imagining that conversation. "Crap."

Harry tried to sit calmly but even he couldn't contain the smile that thought gave him.

"Fawkes," Albus asked his familiar. "Do you think you could…" Albus stopped as his familiar high-tailed it out of there. Apparently this would be a good time for the phoenix to do some hunting. Albus shook his head. "I swear you're making everyone and everything into insolent cheeky buggers."

Fawkes reappeared briefly just to steal Albus' hat.

Harry's eyes twinkled victoriously.

"Very well, Harry." Albus conceded. "I highly suggest we keep this information to ourselves. Accidental Necromancy would be a pretty hard sell to the Ministry, believe me. So how do we fix this?"

Harry sighed. "Right now, they're all safe in the Chamber of Secrets, and I'm going to go talk to Bob. See if he has a better idea about what happened or if this is fixable."

"Good idea," Albus admitted. "I would imagine it was the Dementor Blood that contributed most to this."

Harry nodded in quiet contemplation. "Albus… am I a bad person if I'm not sure I want to fix this?"

"Some people who made your life difficult and painful have been accidentally replaced with people who love and cherish you?" Albus summarized. "Yes, Harry, you're a horrible, rotten person for wishing you could have people who love you around."

Harry frowned at the old man's sarcasm.

"Harry," Albus sighed and answered more seriously. "It is perfectly natural and normal to be pleased with the current situation and wish it to stay the same. But I know with your heart, you will still do the right thing."

"Really?" Harry said as his face brightened.

"Which is to fix this for the Dursleys." Albus stated sternly.

"Oh fine," Harry reluctantly grumbled. "I know."

The two of them sat there in silence for a moment. "Alright," Harry said standing up. "I'm going to talk to Bob and figure out what's going on. You can tell the Ministry I'm fine and got the Dursleys out from the explosion. I'm sorry and all that rot, and to just put it on my 'Destruction of Property' tab. It was an experiment with Dementor Blood that took an unexpected turn."

Albus nodded. "We may need the Dursleys to be seen in public. Perhaps taking leaves of absence from their jobs, and rebuilding their home on Privet Drive. A few appearances for the neighbors and they can leave on a lengthy vacation."

Harry agreed and pictured Vernon going into Grunnings, "Hey muggles, I quit!"

Albus saw a smile flitter across Harry's face. "Harry, no matter how unfortunate the circumstances, do not feel guilt for taking advantage of this incredible opportunity. I remember what you saw in the Mirror of Erised when you were eleven."

Harry chuckled. "I'm not exactly the same eleven year old boy I saw reflected in that one."

Albus acknowledged the truth of that statement. "Nor are they the same people you saw reflected back then either."

Harry laughed. "No kidding. They're younger. Hell, even I'm older than my parents."

Albus started. "I hadn't realized that. Oh dear. I doubt either of their tempers has improved much then."

"Anyways," Harry said, refreshing his movements. "I'm off to find Bob. If you could clear things up at the Ministry, I would appreciate it."

Albus nodded.

Harry smirked at the Headmaster. "I'll be sure and tell Mum how helpful you've been." Harry snapped his fingers and popped away from Hogwarts.

Harry reappeared in a chilly marble throne room deep within Azkaban. He looked around and saw the place was a mess. And there, lying on the couch, with the bottom of his cloak hanging over the side, was a snoring Dementor.

A horrible high-pitched eerie sound, followed by some quick but staggered, "Muh muh muh muh" exhales.

Harry shook his head and quietly snuck up to the resting creature. Harry silently cast the strongest petrification spell he could on it. He then began to shake the Dementor from his slumber.

"Bob?" Harry asked with concern. "Bob? Can you hear me?"

Bob woke up in a panic. "Harry? Is that you?"

"Yeah, Bob, it's me. Listen, I managed to reattach your legs, but only time will tell what sort of damage there is to your spinal cord."

"Oh my god!" Bob screamed. "Oh my god! I can't move my legs! I can't even move my arms! I can't… wait a minute."

Harry was all out snickering at his friend.

"Cripes, Harry," Bob fumed. "Take this bloody spell off me, you wanker."

Harry waved his hand and released him. "I swear, I don't think I'll ever get tired of doing that."

Bob just grumbled and mock hissed at Harry.

"Sorry," Harry said though he obviously didn't mean it at all. "You were snoring when I arrived."

"I don't snore. That's not snoring," Bob huffed and tried to do some quick thinking. "It's a… it's a… it's a mating call."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Well, I'm here, aren't I?"

"Oh goody, are we going to open the can of worms entitled Harry's love life now?" Bob asked cheerfully.

"Oh shush," Harry scolded before settling down tiredly. "Actually, I managed a whole new can of worms today."

Bob chuckled. "I had a feeling that was you. We all felt it, whatever you did. Need us to hide some bodies?"

"Naw. It's not that sort of problem." Harry sighed. "It is one for the scrapbook though, that's for sure."

"Oh?" Bob inquired. "Do tell."

"Well, you remember how we worked out how to consume Dudley's fat?"

"I believe you worked it out. You probably understand more about Dementors than any of us do."

"Right," Harry half-heartedly agreed. "Well, we knew there'd be some risks and unfortunately, a few of those things we know not to combine, got… combined."

"Which things?"

"Well it was the potion, which I injected into Dudley's bloodstream, which he then hit with a stored spell from one of the development wands."

"Ohhhh, that can't be good." Bob assessed.

Harry nodded. "And then it was his blood with the potion active in it that spilled onto my Aunt and Uncle."

Bob winced a bit. "Well, at least the flesh-eating aspects should have been diluted."

Harry paused, "Err, that didn't really become an issue, because my Aunt immediately poured a glass of concentrated Basilisk Venom and Phoenix Tears down Dudley's throat."

Bob stopped and just sat there staring at Harry.

"Yup." Harry said.

Bob finally added, "Well… at least the planet didn't crack in half."

Harry nodded. "I tried to invoke an ancient shield of love, like the one my Mum used on me, to save all of the Dursleys and myself."

Bob chuckled. "Something tells me you would have survived on your own."

"And, now here's where it gets fun."

"Oh dear."

"It appears as though the three Dursleys' bodies now contain the souls of my deceased Godfather and parents. Moony and Sirius were updating my folks on current events when I left."

"Wow." Bob said amazed. "You weren't kidding about this one. I almost want to encourage you to complain 'that this cannot possibly get any worse' just to see what would happen."

"Bob," Harry sighed. "What the hell happened? How could this have happened?"

Bob sat there pensively, tapping his bony decaying fingers. "What do you know about the shield of love you attempted to cast?"

Harry sighed. "Not much. It's referred to reverently in a few ancient scriptures, but there's never been a known documented case of how to invoke it. No idea how my mum ever found out about it, but all I did was just funnel as much will and intent magic as I could into protecting the Dursleys. I assumed it would be emotional and thought about what love means to me."

Bob nodded. "And the first people you thought of were your parents and Godfather?"

Harry shrugged. "They were actually all I thought of. I lost consciousness or memory of everything immediately after that." Harry frowned. "You know I'm actually pretty curious who I would have thought of next."

Bob puffed himself up proudly. "It was probably me and I just sucked away all the rest of the people you thought of after me."

Harry gave a small chuckle. "I'm sure you're right." A companionable silence fell between them. "I've got a theory, but I'd like to hear what you think first."

Bob nodded and asked, "Did Dudley lose some weight?"

Harry nodded. "I'm guessing eighty, maybe a hundred pounds."

Bob chuckled. "I thought so."

Harry groaned.

"Yes," Bob agreed. "It sounds like the evil black magics we theorized."

Harry groaned again. "Could that really have been enough?"

Bob shrugged. "I've no idea, but it would certainly change some black magic rules if you only really needed to sacrifice a certain amount of flesh."

Harry was rubbing his tired eyes. "Or just 25 pounds of human fat, a not unreasonable amount in the average person sacrificed."

"Or just fat," Bob agreed. "But I don't know how it could reach beyond the souls the Dementor whose blood you used had trapped."

"And I know you didn't kiss Sirius or my parents. There's no reason to believe it would even be possible." Harry concurred. "Other than the fact that it happened."

Bob chuckled a little. "It sounds like your shield of love included the most volatile element we could have possibly included, you."

"Oh shush." Harry scolded. "What I want to know is where the souls of the Dursleys went, because I certainly never offered them up as an active or even passive sacrifice."

Bob frowned. "You know where they probably went."

"No, I have no idea where they went." Harry frustratingly said.

"Well," Bob replied sternly. "Not necessarily exactly where, but it's doubtful they're tied to the mortal world."

"Maybe doubtful, but not impossible." Harry retorted. "They could be… they could…"

"Maybe they split their soul into a horcrux and are still tied to the mortal world?"

Harry looked hopeful. "Yeah, maybe they did."

Bob reached over and smacked Harry in the head. "Harry, be serious."

Harry sighed and pouted. "I can't be Sirius, Dudley is."

Bob chuckled at Harry's painful truth. "Oh Harry. It may be possible the Dursleys are in a limbo, or maybe they got judged or moved on into some sort of hell or heaven, or who knows where. But they aren't mortal, and are in no further danger."

Harry frowned. "What are you saying?"

"I'm just pointing out, that you have the opportunity to get to know your parents and Godfather a whole lot better. Wherever the Dursleys are, they're probably not going anywhere for a while. So take your time. We can keep working on figuring out what happened and if the Dursleys can be returned to their bodies, maybe by sacrificing some more of Dudley's fat."

Harry nodded. "He could drop another hundred pounds of fat pretty easily."

"But in the interim," Bob grinned and redirected the conversation. "I cannot wait to meet the kooks that managed to spawn you."

Harry paled. "Oh Merlin, my parents are really here. Sirius is back." Harry sank back into his chair, tilted his head back, and covered his face with his arm. "What am I going to say to them?"

"You could always try: Mum, Dad, Sirius, I'd like you all to meet my gay lover, Bob." Bob suggested calmly.

Harry looked at Bob hopefully. "You'd think they'd be willing to accept us and our love?"

Bob flinched obviously, before clutching his chest. "Cripes, Harry. For a second there I completely believed you."

Harry smiled mischievously with a glimmer in his eyes. "It's the twinkle."

"No but seriously," Bob continued. "Just be honest with them and ask them the questions you always wanted to ask. Stuff like, 'Mum, Dad? What did I do to make you hate me so much as to abandon me all alone in this cold, cruel world?'"

Harry furrowed his brow. "That is a good question."

"And find out if you were breast-fed. I got money riding on that one."

Harry rolled his eyes. "You're sick, Bob. Very sick."

"I've never claimed otherwise." Bob admitted. "Now, if I were you, I'd be concerned about leaving three Marauders alone to plot and plan against you."

"Oh Merlin," Harry blanched. "I never considered the consequences of putting them all together. Maybe I should give them some time…"

"Oh no you don't," Bob yelled at him. "You're not hiding from this one. I'm sure you've been taking your time talking to me or Albus just to avoid getting attached to your parents and then sending them back on their way. But I'm telling you, anything we try without some serious preparation, like months of double-checking and triple-checking, would be more likely to make it worse than better. No more stalling."

"Fine," Harry grumbled like a petulant child. "We're going to need more information from my Mum about the shield, and all of them about the afterlife. Or I guess for them it might be the in-between life. Which would you think-"

"Stop stalling." Bob interrupted. "I'll be around for whenever you're ready to experiment or I get to meet them. Now run along."

Harry sighed as he stood up. He smiled weakly. "Thanks Bob." He snapped his fingers and disappeared from the deep recesses of Azkaban.

He reappeared in the Chamber of Secrets and saw Dudley, Petunia, Vernon, and Moony sitting in a circle on their makeshift beds.

"His first year!" Vernon yelled. "He's got to be the youngest in a century!"

"He was," Moony answered.

Harry began to have some twisted flashback imagining Uncle Vernon caring for him like a father. It was not a very reassuring scene.

"Hi guys," Harry called out, announcing his arrival.

"Oh Harry!" Petunia cried out and rushed towards Harry engulfing him in a hug. "I am so, so sorry. We had no idea."

Harry was a bit shocked and looked at Dudley, who was snickering, and Moony who was shaking his head with a smile.

Vernon came lunging at Harry and Petunia and engulfed them both in a massive hug. Harry was a little uncomfortable realizing how much surface area Vernon's body covered with just his chunky hugging forearms. Vernon had tears in his eyes. "I can't imagine what it was like for you, Harry. I am so sorry you had to go through that. It's just not fair."

"Err… it wasn't so bad." Harry assured his parents with half-hearted pats on the back. "I'm here, aren't I?"

"Oh Harry," Petunia sniffled out. "I know you basically just met us, and don't even know us. But if you ever need to talk about what happened, please know that you always can, and we will always listen."

"Alright…err, thanks?" Harry replied uncertainly.

Vernon shook his head. "I just don't know how you turned out okay." He grabbed his wife and son in another hug.

Harry struggled for breath over Vernon's beefy shoulder. He mouthed and whispered towards Dudley and Moony, "What the hell did you tell them?"

Dudley giggled, while Moony just rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Padfoot just told them-"

"He told us a mother's worst nightmare!" Petunia exclaimed.

"He told us, son." Vernon said. "It doesn't need to be repeated. Just know that we know."

"Umm, I may need for it to be repeated, because there's a few different things that could …" Harry paused and considered the diplomatic way to phrase this. "Potentially… upset… you."

"It gets worse?" Vernon paled. "How could it get any worse?"

Harry just turned to Remus. "Moony, what did Sirius tell them?"

Remus shook his head, smile still intact. "He's only told them who your Potions Professor was."

Harry deflated and rolled his eyes. "That's it? That's what upset you guys? Oh come on. Severus isn't that bad."

Vernon stepped back and saw his son was being honest. He quickly purpled in anger. "Greasy git broke my son!"

"I'm not broken," Harry frowned. "I just happen to know Severus better than you. And it's entirely possible he may have grown up in the twenty years since you last mocked him."

"Oooo," Dudley winced. "That's right. I forgot you saw that memory in the pensieve."

"What memory?" Petunia asked.

Harry sighed, not particularly looking forward to this conversation.

Dudley saw Harry wasn't going to answer and replied, "The one where you flipped Snivelly upside-down, and we all saw his-"

"Great Godric!" Vernon yelled. "That's not a sight anyone should have to see! Harry, I'm so sorry that happened. Honestly."

Harry wasn't sure how he felt about his dad's sympathy.

"If I'd known how stained and wretched his undies were…" Vernon shook his head. "I never would have done that in public."

Harry sighed while Dudley and Moony were giggling.

"James, shush!" Petunia scolded. "You're just upsetting Harry. Maybe Severus has changed, we wouldn't know."

"He hasn't!" Dudley exclaimed immediately.

Remus shrugged lightly.

"You can take the grease out of the git," Vernon sagely pointed out. "But Snivelly still sucks."

"Oh stop, James." Petunia said. "You weren't even this upset about Sirius going to Azkaban."

Harry raised an inquiring eyebrow at Moony.

Remus saw Harry's look and said, "We caught them up on what happened after they died, though they found it pretty hard to believe you survived a killing curse."

"Yeah!" Vernon exclaimed. "How'd you do that?"

Harry waved his hands. "Don't look at me. It was Mum."

Petunia sat there quietly. "I remembered references to an unbreakable shield of love. I never thought it would work but it wasn't like I had a whole slew of other options."

Moony smiled and shrugged. "In the past few years, I've begun to doubt that the shield did anything."

"Don't say that Moony!" Harry whined. "You're ruining the image of my mother."

Petunia retorted, "And me looking like my sister isn't?"

Harry turned to her and cringed. "Good point. Actually before we get too far into the lies these two will no doubt feed you," Harry said pointing to Dudley and Moony. "We should get you looking a bit more normal."

"Oh?" Dudley asked with a smile. "Are we here to stay?"

Harry shook his head with a frown. "No. I'm going to have to try and get the Dursleys back into their bodies, but as Bob reminded me, this isn't a pressing issue, and you all figure to be around for a little while."

"How long is a little while?" Vernon asked.

Harry shrugged. "Minimum, a couple months."

"Yes!" Vernon exclaimed victoriously.

Harry looked at Vernon asking for an explanation.

"Oh, right." Vernon said as he calmed. "Too bad for the Dursleys. Shame, really. Terrible thing."

Harry rolled his eyes. "No one's going to condemn you for being happy. I was just curious why you cheered over a couple months?"

Vernon smiled cheekily. "Why, my sweet Lils here owes me attendance at one full-"

Petunia groaned. "You cannot honestly expect me to go through with that."

"A deal's a deal," Vernon demanded. "You can't back out now just because we've died."

Petunia smirked. "Fine. If you want to see this skinny, bony, pale wrinkled body in a skimpy cheerleaders outfit."

"Harry said he'd get us looking more normal." Vernon pointed out.

"A deal's a deal. You said no masks or anything that would hide my face."

"Err…" Harry interrupted. "Don't forget your son is here. Please let's leave the kinky talk till I've left the room."

"Oh, I'm sorry Harry." Petunia said. "I fear the impression we must be making, but it's not what you think."

"I got Lils to promise me to wear an official Puddlemere United Superfan Sisters of Yesteryear original outfit at the stadium for a full game, but the deal was only after Voldemort was gone." Vernon pumped his fist victoriously. "And now my day has come!"

Harry briefly wondered if Hermione may have met her match at inappropriate acronym-making.

Petunia just sighed. "It's just a small bikini, not quite as daunting as my priority-free husband is making it out to be."

Dudley cried out. "Oh Merlin, Lils, stop! You're making me picture Petunia in a bikini. What… Why? Why? Do you hate me?"

Vernon looked like he was going to throw-up in his own mouth. "I think we've found a Muggle Unforgivable."

Petunia huffed a bit angrily. "Oh it bothers you that much!" She yelled at her husband and flashed her shirt up.

Vernon just started screaming and clutching his ears. He wrenched his eyes closed as tightly as possible.

Dudley had his arms up and crossed over his face while he kept his eyes clenched. "Moony! I got myself clear in time. Are you okay? Did you survive?"

Remus just mumbled quietly with his eyes glazed over.

"Moony?" Dudley asked. "You still with us?" Dudley cracked opened his eyes and looked over his arm towards Remus. He saw the pain in the older man's eyes. "Moony down! We've got a Moony down! I need back up."

Remus took this opportunity to speak up. "There was… so much… she… didn't… I've seen werewolves with less chest hair."

Harry gave himself a second to focus, and pointed a finger at his temple. "Obliviate." He immediately turned towards his mother. "As I was saying, I'm going to go get some materials for a permanent polyjuice. This way you can at least appear to be in the correct bodies. Before you get to drink the polyjuice, we're going to need the Dursleys to make an appearance or two and withdraw from their jobs and take a long vacation."

Vernon had stopped screaming and was listening to Harry, while Dudley and Remus stared enviously at his memory charm skill.

"Umm… sure." Petunia replied uncertainly.

"Excellent," Harry smiled. "I'll just be off then. You can ask Dobby to get you anything, and I shouldn't be gone too long." Harry stood up and started to walk off. "Oh wait, Mum?"

Petunia looked up expectantly, still a bit perturbed and delighted to be called that. "Yes?"

"I'm supposed to remind you to show that thing to Sirius again." Harry winked at the horrified faces all the men were making, and snapped his fingers to pop away. "Toodles." As Harry disappeared, he smirked at the most wicked, vindictive smile he had ever seen on his Aunt Petunia's face.