Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

CHAPTER THREE

"Crackhead!" Harry exclaimed. "Good to see you."

"Mr. Potter, always a pleasure." The goblin greeted with a bow.

Harry shook his head with a smile. "Why do I get the feeling you have some sort of sensor that alerts you whenever I enter Gringotts?"

Crackhead grinned wickedly. "It was a unanimously agreed upon necessary security procedure."

Harry frowned. "It seems like I get that response a lot of places."

Crackhead looked amused. "Just a coincidence, I'm sure."

Harry just frowned at his goblin friend.

"Anything I can help you with today, Mr. Potter?" Crackhead inquired.

"Yeah," Harry rolled his eyes. "You can call me Harry for once in public."

Crackhead maintained his serious business attitude. "Of course Mr. Potter. You are hairy. Was there any other business I could help you with?"

Harry could only smile knowing he was doing his part to unite all the magic races under a singular banner of cheek. "Yes, err… actually. I have some questions regarding the handling of private accounts that I was hoping to discuss somewhere with discretion, as well as search for a couple things in my vaults."

"Let's go to my office." Crackhead said succinctly and led him back to the familiar office.

As soon as Harry entered the office the door slammed shut, sealed, and melted into the wall.

Crackhead sat down tiredly at his chair behind his desk. "Do I even want to know, what you've done now?"

"What makes you think I've done something?" Harry indignantly exclaimed.

"Harry," Crackhead said with an amused condescending smile. "The three strongest goblin Seers in all of Europe were knocked unconscious by the magical explosion on Privet Drive. And today, you come in asking new things about your vaults?"

"Oops," Harry winced. "Sorry about that. It wasn't really my fault."

Crackhead snorted. "We're well aware how strong that explosion really was, and there's only one person who could have possibly contained that."

Harry just sat there with a guilty smile. Or maybe it was gas.

"Before we get too far, would you like to send off someone to retrieve the items from your vaults?"

"Oh," Harry remembered. "I just needed to locate some hairs or fingernails of my parents and godfather. I figured I'd check out some of their old clothes or brushes or combs, just something for a polyjuice."

"Ahh," Crackhead understood. "If this is a delicate emotional matter you would much rather tend to yourself, I understand. We carry tissues now."

Harry could only imagine the warmth and generosity of the goblins. He shook his head with a smile. "If you got someone to send, who can find them and save me the trip, that's great."

"Of course," Crackhead grinned. He pressed a button next to a large curved horn. He yelled some gobbledygook into it. Something else was yelled back, and Crackhead just smiled wider and yelled, "Griphook!"

Harry snickered remembering Griphook losing his temper at the table, and knowing he would be paying for his breech of etiquette. "Griphook still smarting over his flush?"

Crackhead nodded. "We're doing our part to remind him. At least until next Tuesday."

"Oh that's right," Harry realized. "My life has gotten a whole lot more complicated and I'm not sure if I'll be able to come then."

Crackhead raised an eyebrow. "Enough to alter poker night? This is a serious offense to goblin society."

"Oh shush," Harry retorted. "You guys are a lot harder to offend than you think. If I can, I'll be there to take your money as usual. Actually…" Harry pondered. "You want me to bring some fresh blood? That would make it easier on me."

Crackhead arched an eyebrow. "Wizards with a sufficient bankroll?"

Harry nodded. "Oh they'll have money to lose. I just need to figure out how we give it to them, or if it's theirs in the first place."

"Why would the money be theirs?" Crackhead asked curiously.

"Umm… err…" Harry paused.

"Oh dear."

"Why do people keep saying that?" Harry asked irritated.

"Harry," Crackhead explained. "Whether you have to pause to either decide if the truth is worth telling or to try to come up with some ridiculous lie, it is always cause to worry."

"Fine," Harry said. "But this is not to leave this room."

Crackhead nodded formally.

"Alright," Harry agreed. "The money would be theirs, because the people I'm referring to are my Godfather and parents. And my inheritance came from them."

"You need to polyjuice them to look like themselves?" Crackhead asked astonished.

"Yup."

"It's not for hookers?"

Harry shook his head negatively.

"Oh dear."

"Yup." Harry agreed.

"Err…" Crackhead paused. "You do realize that they most definitely were dead?"

Harry nodded. "Mmm-hmm."

"And apparently now are back to life?"

Harry felt like he was repeating himself as he nodded again.

"So apparently a magical explosion big enough to crack the planet in half is all it takes to revive the dead?" Crackhead inquired curiously.

Harry looked up at his goblin friend. "I'm not doing that again!"

Crackhead sighed. "I wish I could believe you."

"Oh shush," Harry grumbled. "It was a horrible accident that couldn't be replicated if you wanted. And for the record I didn't bring them back to life."

Crackhead raised a curious eyebrow.

"I just seem to have put their souls into the bodies of my living relatives, that's all." Harry defended. "I didn't bring them 'back to life,' as you called it."

Crackhead looked doubtful. "Sounds like you brought them back to life to me."

"I didn't raise any dead!" Harry retorted. "I just accidentally swapped a few souls. Or something."

"So they were dead," Crackhead argued. "But now they're not."

"Not exactly."

"Yes, Harry," Crackhead concluded. "I'm sorry. But you brought them back to life."

"Why are we arguing this?" Harry irritably demanded.

Crackhead smiled sheepishly. "Because you brought people…" Crackhead paused considering his wording. "…back to life."

Harry didn't feel this childish dig deserved an intelligent answer.

Crackhead was entirely too amused at the moment. "So… err Harry?"

Harry pouted and looked away from the goblin.

Crackhead just rolled his eyes. "Are you going to be announcing that your parents are alive?"

Harry shook his head. "Hoping not to."

"Then why are you going to make them look like themselves?"

Harry shrugged. "I can't have them looking like the Dursleys. And what are people going to claim? That they're people who died six or twenty years ago?"

Crackhead nodded. "True. But if you're not publicly recognizing their existence, then why do you even need to worry about financial claims or stakes? You've got more than enough, and unless you expect any of them to publicly expose themselves and try to stake a claim on their share of your wealth, then there's nothing to worry about?"

"Oh," Harry acted scolded, wondering if even his subconscious was stalling. "Right."

"Not that they'd even have a case, since they wouldn't be able to dispute the fact that they died." Crackhead summarized. "We'll allow them normal access to their vaults, if that is your wish."

Harry nodded at Crackhead and was about to ask a question when they were interrupted by Griphook buzzing to be let in. The door reappeared and he walked in carrying a few things. He nodded to Crackhead and gave Harry the evil eye.

"Griphook!" Harry cheered. "How are you doing?"

Griphook just grumbled a few derogatory things in Gobbledygook that made Crackhead chuckle.

Harry playfully frowned. "You can't be still upset about that Griphook."

"You cheated." He snapped at Harry.

"I did no such thing," Harry denied. "Goodness knows, you make me prove it often enough."

"I still say you cheated." He grumbled.

Harry rolled his eyes and let them twinkle at Crackhead. "So Griphook, did you find something I can use?"

Griphook grumbled. "I've got an old cloak from Mr. Black's former personal vault. There were several human hairs as well as canine ones."

Harry nodded. "Yup, that's him."

"Not all of the canine ones are male." Griphook pointed out. "And I found several combs and brushes in your parents' old personal vault, as well as their wands."

"Perfect!" Harry exclaimed. "I didn't even think about getting those."

"Oh dear," Griphook said as he turned to Crackhead. "Do I even want to know?"

Crackhead just laughed out loud in answer to Griphook's question.

"Oh dear," Griphook reiterated. "Why do I get the feeling there's going to be goblin war or two before Mr. Potter is done?"

"Hey!" Harry demanded. "Don't blame me because you can't lay down a flush!"

This apparently was the right thing to say as Griphook turned a little pink and set the stuff down as he made his way out of Crackhead's office. He angrily stomped away slamming his foot down with each step. Just as he walked out the door, Griphook quickly stuck his head back in the room with an eager smile. "We're still on for Tuesday, right?"

Crackhead nodded. "We may even have some fresh wizard blood."

Griphook growled. "Do they cheat?"

Crackhead snickered. "Oh yes. Death, in fact."

Griphook paled and looked back at Harry. "Oh dear." His head snapped back and the door quickly shut and disappeared.

Harry sighed and looked back at Crackhead. "If they come, can I count on the guys' discretion for poker night? Or should they be in disguise?"

Crackhead shook his head. "Harry, you know the entire goblin nation will keep your secrets. We're a far more intelligent race than you wizards."

"Why's that?"

"I could try to explain it to you, but I'm not sure your feeble wizard mind is up to the task of comprehending it." Crackhead haughtily replied.

"Not that," Harry shook his head. "I wouldn't argue that you're more intelligent. I was asking, why the entire goblin nation would keep my secrets?"

Crackhead smiled. "Sometimes your modesty does you harm, Harry."

Harry looked at Crackhead, asking for more.

"Alright, Harry, there are three distinctly different forms of power the goblins respect: political power, financial power, and magical power." Crackhead explained. "Often the goblins play those three, and their figureheads, against each other to the goblins' benefit. When all three are the same person, then that's best kind of friend to have."

Harry saw the logic in that, though he felt his influence might be a bit overstated.

"And it becomes in the goblins' best interests to keep you as happy and stable as we can." Crackhead paused. "Even if it means the occasional unmarked hidden vault we have to keep your problems in."

Harry was beginning to wonder about his life, when so many of his friends assume he has a body he needs to hide. "I may have a feeble wizard mind, but I know it's not worth arguing this with you. Thanks for your help, Crackhead." Harry said as he stood up.

"Any time, Harry." Crackhead grinned. "My job's biggest responsibility here is to keep you happy."

Harry grinned and wondered if he could get a job like that.

Crackhead frowned. "And figure out how you're cheating too."

Harry shook his head. "Mind if I leave straight from here?"

"No apparating!" Crackhead sternly ordered. "You can pop though."

"I said I was sorry," Harry stated though he didn't look much like he meant it. "See you Tuesday. I'll let you know how many are coming with me." A snap of his fingers and he disappeared. Less than a second later, he reappeared with a soft pop. "Oh!" Harry smiled as he pointed to the chair where his parents' and godfathers' stuff was. "I forgot my bag." With an evil smile, Harry grabbed the bag and silently apparated away from Gringotts intentionally not using his house elf abilities.

Crackhead yelled and threw a mug at the wall, as all the sirens started blaring and the bank went into lockdown. "I knew I shouldn't have told him the goblins will support him." If Harry had stuck around, he would have recognized a few of the Gobbledygook swear words he had been learning.

"Harry!" Dudley yelled. "Where have you been?"

"Getting stuff for polyjuice, why? What's going on?"

"Look at my ass!" Dudley yelled dropping trough and letting fly a full moon over Moony's giggling back.

"Ahhhh!" Harry screamed at the sight of Dudley's purpled mangled left cheek. "Oh… right."

Dudley just looked at Harry incredulously. "You knew this was happening?"

"Well," Harry shrugged. "Sort of. I mean that's where Dudley stunned himself, and that's where the potion was injected, so some minor bruising is expected."

"Minor bruising?" Remus asked with a smile.

Vernon smiled. "You know if you stare at it for ten seconds you can actually watch it grow."

"Ooooh," Harry winced. "That's not good. That means there's some potion still in there, and it's probably mutated a bit."

"Good God, son!" Vernon exclaimed. "Us Potters don't do things by half, do we?"

"Good godson?" Dudley asked Vernon.

Harry decided he should take control of the immediate situation before Vernon and Dudley confused each other more. "Sirius! We need to neutralize the potion before it eats away too much flesh."

"Yeah we do!" Dudley vehemently agreed.

"Err, there's two ways to do this," Harry offered. "A scary way with a short intense bit of pain, or a less scary way but with more drawn out pain."

"I'll take scary," Dudley chose.

"Here drink this," Harry offered him a clear vial.

Dudley downed it immediately. "Hmm, that didn't taste too bad. Kind of pepperminty. What was it?"

"Basilisk Venom."

Dudley's eyes bulged out as he wrapped his hands around his throat, and tried to gag himself.

"Err, Harry, sweetie?" Petunia gently asked. "I'm not sure how much has changed, but isn't Basilisk Venom, pretty much… fatal?"

Harry nodded, while Dudley's eyes just bulged out. "But we need to get one of the two elements to overpower the other. And this will just hurt a lot for a few seconds, until it knocks him unconscious and kills him slowly."

Dudley just began screaming out loud, and running his hands all over the burning feeling in his body. His eyes rolled back up into his head and he fell to the ground unconscious.

"See that wasn't so bad," Harry cheerfully stated.

Vernon looked at his son, and then wife and Moony. "Umm Moony? Should we be worried?"

Remus shrugged. "Harry knows what he's doing, but yes, you should be very worried."

"Oh hush," Harry scolded as he levitated Dudley's body up to a bed. Harry rolled him over, and looked at Vernon, Petunia, and Remus. He pulled Dudley's pants down out of the way, and his shirt up a bit, looking at the mangled flesh that was quickly blackening. "Any volunteers to rub some stuff into his ass?"

A few skeptical looks and Harry grumbled. "Fine." He poured a cream colored liquid from the vial all over Dudley's body, rubbing it into the diseased looking area. Immediately the blackened bruised color was fading away, and Dudley's pale complexion seemed to get a bit pinker.

Vernon, Petunia, and Remus were just watching Harry knead the flesh, with barely a flinch. "Umm, Harry? What are you doing, anyway?"

"Oh, this?" Harry asked, apparently unsure what they were questioning. "I'm just working in the Phoenix Tears, to counter the Basilisk Venom that's infected the mutated potion."

"Is uh…" Petunia looked around confused. "Is that wise?"

Harry nodded. "Yup, we needed both of these together in the potion, but they can't be combined on their own beforehand, or they'll react to each other and not the Dementor Blood. He could have drank the Phoenix Tears, but then we'd need to rub in the Basilisk Venom, and it's not as simple, as to make it seep through, requires it burning the skin a bit."

"Oh." Petunia agreed, not really following all of that.

Vernon interrupted. "Err, I think your mother was more concerned about you massaging Dudley's ass and kind of looking like you enjoy it."

Petunia slapped Vernon's arm. "James! I didn't mean it like that."

Harry had completely stopped and looked down at what he was doing. He had been hiding in his special place, distancing himself from the actions and ministrations he was forced to do. But now he had to face the cruel reality of what his hands were doing. His eyes quickly started to water, and he could taste the bile in the back of his throat.

Vernon let out a sigh of relief. "Thanks Harry. You've certainly made me feel better."

Petunia smiled lightly and looked as if a small weight had been lifted as well.

A groggy and sore Dudley stirred a bit at the sudden end to the soothing caress his body had relaxed into in its slumber. "Ohhhh, man that feels better." Dudley's eyes snapped open and he turned to look at a horrified Harry. "You made me drink Basilisk Venom, you dolt!"

"I merely gave it to you." Harry insisted. "You're the one who drank it."

Dudley looked crushed. "Harry," he said quietly, sounding legitimately upset and tired. "Do you really need to kill me again? Wasn't once enough?"

Harry just paled and took a frightened step back. "I… I…" He looked towards his parents and Moony. "I'm sorry, Sirius. I… don't know what to say."

"Harry," Remus interrupted with a shake of his head. "Padfoot just likes to make jokes about people's emotions in order to hide his own. He doesn't blame you for his death."

Harry looked up at Remus hopefully. He had tears in his eyes, "He… he… doesn't? Then- then why?" Harry turned to Dudley with a heartbroken expression. "Why would you say something like that? Do you know how many nightmares I've had… How many times I ask myself…" Harry just looked away softly sobbing.

Dudley went pale. "Oh Harry. Crap. I didn't mean that… You know that… I… I…"

"Sirius," Remus interrupted exhaustedly. "Harry's just like you that way."

Dudley stopped looking worried and sat up straighter. "You sly dog, you!" Dudley said with a smile towards Harry.

Harry smiled brightly at Dudley and stood up proudly. "I've been called a clever bitch many times before."

Dudley just smiled brightly, pride shining in his eye. "God, it's great to see you."

Harry looked happily at Dudley. "You too, Si- Sirius." Harry seemed to be unable to hold back his emotions anymore and started sniffling in happiness. "I mean I never thought…"

Dudley stood up proudly and opened his arms. He gently said, "Come here, my godson."

Harry looked towards Dudley with tears running down his face. They took two steps towards each other, before both couldn't take it anymore and started cracking up in loud laughter.

Moony just sighed to himself, while Petunia hurriedly wiped her eyes. "You two are completely heartless, you know that?"

Dudley looked towards Vernon, "We got her?"

Vernon nodded with a smile. "Oh yeah. Someone turned the knob on her waterworks, because it was more than just a couple stragglers."

Petunia just huffed, while Harry and Dudley high-fived each other in a movement that meant more than any inappropriate show of emotion.

Remus just smiled and felt comfort that not even Death could change his friends. "So what's the plan, now?"

"Now?" Harry repeated. "Now, I think we should take it easy and have the rest of the night in, catching up. Tomorrow you three will make a few public appearances, take leaves of absence at the Dursleys' jobs and appear to go a long vacation. Once that's done, I'll have the polyjuice ready and you all can look like… you."

"So you're not going to run away and hide from us anymore?" Petunia asked in a way only a stern mother could.

Harry gulped. "Err… I'll try not to?"

Dudley snickered. "I think you've put this off long enough."

Harry nodded, and waved a hand creating three couches arranged around a roaring fireplace. "Yeah, alright. I knew I'd be having this conversation some day, I just thought I could put it off until after I was dead."

Petunia and Vernon gasped at the impressive bit of magic Harry did with just a wave of his hand. Remus chuckled. "Maybe someone's trying to get you to grow up."

Harry frowned and stared up into the ceiling. "Maybe someone needs to mind their own business."

Remus all out laughed now. "I think you might be supporting some of the rumors about you there, Harry. Talking to your other Dad?"

Harry rolled his eyes while Vernon perked right up. "What other Dad?"

Harry shrugged. "God?"

Vernon looked to his wife who was looking right back at him curiously. "Err… what?"

Remus chuckled. "There are a few unsubstantiated rumors these days about our Harry, here. One of the more popular ones is that he's the Favorite Son of God."

Dudley barked out a laugh.

Moony nodded. "More popular than Jesus."

Vernon pumped his fist. "Yes!"

Petunia just looked at her husband and shook her head. "Could we get a little more background here before we jump into unsubstantiated rumors?"

"Yes, please," Harry agreed. "What would you like to know?"

"Everything!" Vernon cheered.

Harry looked at Dudley and Moony. "Umm… how about you ask questions, and I'll answer what I can?"

Remus narrowed his eyes. "Don't you lie to your mother."

Harry raised a challenging eyebrow. "Lie? Why would I ever lie? I learned how to tell the truth from Albus."

Dudley narrowed his eyes. "Same thing."

"I only meant, I'm not going to violate anyone's secrets that aren't mine to tell." Harry explained. "But this is learning time for me too. I want you three to answer just as much." Harry said pointing to the Dursleys.

"Hey what about me?" Moony exclaimed.

"You can play too, Moony," Harry agreed. "But you I know." Harry shrugged. "And I'm not trying to figure out how to rip the soul out of the body you currently inhabit."

"Oh, right." Remus sat down appeased.

Petunia butted in. "Well, I want to hear about you to, Remus."

Vernon nodded. "Well, we already know you play Quidditch, so what's the next most important thing?"

Petunia smiled happily. "Are you seeing anyone?"

Harry sighed and sank into his chair, while Remus just laughed.

Dudley seemed to like this response. "Nice one Lils, I think you hit a gusher already."

Harry paused and finally decided to say, "No one seriously," He turned to Dudley, "Shut it!" before continuing, "But I am casually dating several girls. None at the point where I need to introduce them to my parents yet, though I'm sure I will now."

Dudley looked to Remus. "Anyone I know?"

Moony smiled, and stuck out his hand to count off on his fingers. "Well, the confirmed dates that have made the paper include Miss Ginny Weasley, your cousin's daughter Nymphadora-"

"Go Harry!" Dudley cheered imagining Tonks with him.

Remus continued on while Petunia's eyes were wide. "Let's see there was Luna Lovegood, the Patil twins-"

Vernon's eyes widened as he asked, "Twins?"

Remus smiled and nodded back. "Yes both, at the same time."

"Nice." Vernon congratulated as his wife swatted him in the head.

Remus seemed to be building up steam. "And then there was-"

"I think," Harry interrupted loudly. "That they get the point, Moony. Thank you."

"Harry?" Petunia asked curiously. "Are you a manslut?"

Harry looked at Petunia. "All the people I've been seeing know it's casual and I'm seeing other people. Why? Would it bother you if I was?"

Petunia looked at her way too proud husband. "I just want you to be happy."

Harry smiled widely, "Oh I'm definitely that. No worries there."

"Nice." Vernon congratulated and ducked a swat that never came. He looked a bit stupid doing it too.

"And that wasn't a very fair question," Harry pointed out. "You two are married, and dead. Sirius, you're just dead. And Moony, you're well… you're… crud, how long has it been since you got laid?"

Remus just blushed and looked towards Petunia for help. Petunia just shrugged. "You look like you could use it, Remus."

"No, I'm not seeing anyone. Next question, please." Remus said, avoiding looking at anyone.

"What do you do?" Vernon asked Harry.

"What don't I do, is a better question. I mean I can juggle, I can whistle with my pinkies, I can pat my head, rub my stomach and scratch my-"

"Harry!" Remus interrupted. "Your job. I think they're asking what your job is."

"Oh… that." Harry said. "Err, well I'm involved in a research project which still has some testing it appears."

"I'd say so," Dudley helpfully pointed out.

"And I'm invested in several businesses and…" Harry drifted off thinking what does he do to the pass the time.

"Harry," Remus said tiredly.

"What?" Harry asked. "What am I forgetting?"

Before Moony could even respond, the floor beneath the couch Harry was on rippled and sucked him halfway in.

"Oh right!" Harry said from his now captive state. "Here. Forgot about here. I'm the DADA professor and Head of Hufflepuff House though I was thinking of taking a year off."

"Hufflepuff?" Vernon exclaimed. "Our son's a puffer?"

Harry rolled his eyes as Hogwarts pushed him back up on solid ground. "No, I was in Gryffindor."

"Oh thank Godric," Vernon sagged in relief.

"But the Sorting Hat wanted to put me in Slytherin."

Vernon just gasped.

"Not because of all the muggle hating and murdering, but because I'm a Parselmouth."

"Cool!" Vernon exclaimed. "Wait… I thought Parseltongue was only in Slytherin's descendents?"

Harry nodded.

Vernon turned to Petunia. "Lily you naughty Dark Witch, you!"

"James, honey," Petunia scolded. "We did heritage potions. I'm all muggleborn."

"Oh right." Vernon said confusedly before blustering in anger. "You harlot! You cheated on me with a Slytherin! How dare you!"

Petunia just sighed. "This wasn't how I wanted you to find out… but…"

Vernon was rapidly turning purple, oblivious to the other guys' quiet snickering.

Petunia just began, "Severus was a kind and gentle lover…"

"Ahhhhhh!" Vernon's tongue seemed to swell up and he was having trouble breathing.

Petunia finally jumped up. "I give. I can't even pretend that. I feel dirty. And sick. Oh god…"

Dobby appeared and handed her a glass of water. He bowed deeply, "It was valiant effort, and you even got your husband a nice throbbing purple color."

"Err… thank you," Petunia said to the odd pirate looking elf who quickly disappeared.

Vernon settled himself. "You… you didn't sleep with Sn-"

"Don't say it!" Petunia said with a shudder. "Just… don't make me think it ever again."

Vernon calmed himself and was clutching his heart. "I think this fat body might not survive something like that again. Oh sweet Mother of Gryffindor." After helping himself to some of Petunia's water, Vernon continued. "So who was the Slytherin you slept with?"

Petunia just looked at her husband worriedly.

Dudley chuckled. "Must have been your evil twin, considering where Harry got his looks."

Harry shook his head. "I wasn't born a Parseltongue. I got a few of Voldemort's powers when I was baby and reflected the killing curse back on him."

"Ohhhh," Vernon said realizing his wife's fidelity wasn't quite as suspect as he had feared.

"And as for Hufflepuff, it's because there are no Hufflepuff alumni on staff anymore, and Albus wants me to stay on in the same job, so he forced me to become more attached to the kids."

Dudley chuckled. "Yeah, he can be about as subtle as a balldozer sometimes."

"Bulldozer, Sirius," Petunia suggested.

"That too," Dudley agreed.

"So…" Harry waited expectantly for someone else to jump in. "Hello?"

"Yes?" Dudley asked with an ignorant smile.

"Your guys' turn," Harry explained with a look. "What do you do?"

Petunia looked at her husband and Dudley. "Err, Harry sweetie. We're dead."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Yes, mum. Thanks for the pleasant reminder. But what did you do before you died. No one's ever told me." He gave a pointed look towards Remus.

Moony just raised his hands in defense. "You never asked."

Vernon seemed to be thinking. "Err, well… my parents died and left me a lot of money so I pretty much just hung around Lils."

Petunia smiled. "Once you were on the way, I decided I wanted a large family. And figured I'd come up with a career once you were all old enough to take care of yourselves."

Harry smiled lightly before thinking out loud. "I was like fifteen months old when you died. Were you pregnant with a brother or sister?"

"Err…" Petunia winced a bit and added. "Well, when I made that decision about the large family, that was before I'd gone through labor with you. After that, it was sort of a lengthy reevaluation-of-the-priorities period."

"You know," Vernon added. "Come to think of it, I was preparing myself to go into politics."

Harry made a pained face, trying not to upset his father. "Politics? Really?"

Vernon had a genuine smile on his face. "Yeah, really."

Harry just smiled at Vernon while inside he kept debating whether he was a bad person for thinking 'Thank you, Voldemort', or a bad person for being grateful his dad was dead rather than a politician.

"Sirius?" Harry asked. "You don't seem the sort of person even I would vote for. What about you?"

Dudley shrugged. "I had money too, if I wanted it, but I liked Moony and Prongs' couches as much as any family manors. I was planning on taking Busty on a long road trip once Voldemort was dealt with, or I had a reason to."

"Busty?" Harry asked looking towards Remus for translation.

Moony nodded and said, "His motorcycle."

"You named her Busty?" Harry asked incredulously. "That so utterly and completely fits her."

"I know!" Dudley yelled back happily. He frowned a little. "I don't understand it at all."

Harry shook his head. "I could never figure it out either, but something about her always seemed… you're right. Busty. It certainly makes more sense now why I felt compelled to name her…" Harry only now realized he was talking to people out loud. "Nevermind."

"No!" Remus scolded. "Bad! No reason to hide this."

Harry looked at Dudley's hopeful face, and Petunia and Vernon's curious nods.

"I named her…" Harry stopped to clear his throat. "I named her Rosmerta." And before Harry could even stop it he blushed darkly and paled rapidly as he quickly looked away.

Dudley just laughed out loud. "Oh Rosie!"

Petunia looked at her son and realized, "I don't even want to know."

Dudley snickered, "Like father, like son."

"What?" Petunia screeched and whipped towards her husband.

"Cheese it, Padfoot. Don't make stuff up just to get me into trouble." Vernon turned to his wife, and cleared his throat. He spoke clearly, in a deeper, professional sounding voice. "I had nothing to do with anything. Ever."

"Me neither!" Harry insisted.

"Thank you, Harry." Vernon accepted. "See, I was with Harry. We're each others' alibis."

Harry winced. "Oh man, you would have made a real good politician too."

Vernon puffed up a bit. "Thank you, son."

"That wasn't a compliment," Harry quipped. "Dad."

Dudley was pointing and laughing at the embarrassed look on Vernon's face. He turned back to Harry and asked with a smile, "So how's old Busty, holding up? Or Rosie, if you prefer."

"I'm sorry, Sirius." Harry winced. "I had to crash that motorcycle."

"What?" Dudley looked heartbroken. "Can't you fix her?"

"Not exactly," Harry explained. "But we were on a road trip through California, so she went out the way she wanted."

Dudley frowned and sighed. "And how did she want to?"

"Oh…" Harry paused remembering. "Err, she sort of triggered off the explosion to close the fiery gate that went straight to hell."

Remus raised an eyebrow not having heard about this one.

"Though," Harry added with a smile. "She very well could have survived, with some of the charms on her, but she'd still be in hell. So if you make it there, you two could reunite."

Dudley looked up from his hands. "You put her in hell? Sweet and sour little Busty? What did she ever do to you?"

Harry was speechless. He stammered a couple of words out and found himself pinned against the wall by an angry Dudley screaming in his face. "What did she ever do to you!"

"I'm sorry, Sirius." Harry sniffled. "I'm just so sorry." He collapsed to the floor and curled into a fetal position.

Petunia was watching the confrontation get more and more heated and she felt an urge to run out and help her son. Her real live, genuine son. She took two steps towards her crying, sobbing son on the floor when Dudley continued.

"You should be sorry," Dudley screamed as he began kicking Harry in the ribs. "I'll show you sorry, you little bitch!"

Harry apparently couldn't take it anymore and burst out laughing, bringing Dudley into giggles as well.

"You two are sick. Seriously, you should look up a therapist." Petunia just pretended her eyes weren't glassy and turned away.

"Damn," Dudley cursed and grinned. "I thought we'd had a couple of tears at least."

Harry had a look of satisfaction. "We were close. I could tell. If you hadn't started kicking me…" He ended in a chuckle.

"You're getting me a new bike, right?" Dudley asked with a smirk.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Yes, we'll get you a new bike. Maybe I should get a new bike too. You think we could get Moony to take a bike?"

Dudley looked over at a smiling Remus. "Naw, Moony's too stuffed up. He always said it was too dangerous and he wanted to live a long life."

"That true, Moony?" Harry asked with an evil grin.

"Padfoot," Remus began with a smile. "I think I know Meg here better than you do. And I think I've waited too long to get a bike."

"Meg?" Dudley asked with a grin.

Harry rolled his eyes and sealed his lips.

Remus grinned brightly. "It's a shortened version of our young Mr. Potter's Marauder nickname."

"You got christened?" Dudley asked Harry with glee. "So what's Meg short for?"