(So as a holiday thing, I've been writing ficlets for friends based on song lyrics... I'm soo not done unfortunately, but anyway, I wanted to share, so here are the OC ones...)

"What are you running for?"

An "O.C." Ficlet – for Rai

Disclaimer: Not mine!

Info: PG, Theresa POV.

By Moonie

Our son is one year old today, and I wish he could see him.

He's so active and his laugh is enough to put a smile on my face for hours. He looks at me with those eyes and I see Ryan in him so much it just tears my heart out. He can play 'peek-a-boo' for hours on end and he hates taking baths.

When I last saw Ryan, it took everything I had in me not to tell him about our little boy. And why did I have to do that? I knew he deserved to have his life, to go on without settling for less. But he should be able to know his son. He should know how he never sleeps without hearing the theme to Spongebob. He should be there to see him grow up just as I do.

Every day I keep telling myself that and I can't count anymore how often I've just hopped into the car with our son strapped in his car seat and started for Newport. But then I never get there. I can never make it more than a few minutes past the Chino city limits.

Our son is six years old today, and I wish he could see him.

In the last few years, I've seen him grow into this little person, our boy… and I couldn't have made it without him. All my doubts and fears meant nothing when I saw him. He'd give me a big hug and everything would be right again. He's so smart, it just amazes me sometimes.

His favorite thing is soccer. He's playing, he watches the games on television like it's the most gorgeous thing in the world.

He's asked about his father, and I never know what to say, so I turn around and distract him. I'm not looking forward to the day where it stops working. I wonder what Ryan is doing sometimes, if he's even still in Newport.

I still go on the occasional "random field trip" with my soccer fan. We make it to the Newport city limits now. When I chicken out, we stop at a roadside diner for lunch. Only seeing him happy keeps me from smacking my head repeatedly on a table.

Our son is eleven years old today, and I wish he could see him.

He's doing so good. Keeping him 'on the path', away from a life of trouble, we left Chino three years ago. It was hard to leave home, but at the same time it felt worth it.

And it was after settling in Phoenix that I met Andy. He's been so good to us, even sharing in the ever-present soccer "experience". Andy and I got married three months ago. I couldn't have hoped for a greater, more understanding man.

He was aware of Ryan and the history we shared. He believed I should go to him to tell him about his son, but he never pushed on the matter. He knew the fear in the pit of my stomach. Every birthday that passed, my guilt rose. It was another year Ryan didn't get to know this great boy, and it was another year he would no doubt resent me for.

He had been ready to give up his new life for us even if it wasn't what he wanted, and I'd lied to him. It had to be for his best, for all of us, but still it didn't make it easier.

Our boy is eighteen today, and I wish he could see him.

He started college a few months ago, it's still so amazing to see him, invested on it all. With his soccer, he'd gotten a scholarship, all these doors opened to him. He had all these things I'd wished for him, for us, and other things I couldn't have imagined even if I tried. He takes care of his little sisters, and he loves his girlfriend so much.

This morning he told me he would propose to her the day they finished college. He was confident in the fact that they would still be happy, together, and knowing him I knew he would probably be right.

He's known for a few years about his father. I finally accepted to be honest with him when he was fifteen. It took some time to grasp it all, but as time went by he understood. And this morning as we sat together, he made a request.

He told me that he knew I was scared, he knew he was asking a lot, but he really wanted his father to be part of his life someday. He wanted him to be there at his wedding. Andy was as much his father as anyone, but this was just something he needed.

So now I had four years. Four years to gather my courage, work through my fears. Four years to give him what now eighteen years and countless trips hadn't managed to produce. If I was ever going to hold a promise though, this would be it… somehow.

the end :)

next up: Ryan/Lindsay ficlet.