Author's Note: Well apparently none of you live anywhere near me or you would have recognized Crazy Ed's. Yes Virginia, he really does sell Killer Cowbugers. (And they're the best you'll ever eat! Not that many people eat Killer Cowburgers but that's beside the point. Besides Erik ate one so all true phans should feel compelled to track down their own just so they can say they ate one also!)

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the POTO crew, John Wayne, Survivor, Picasso, Dante, EBay, Barney, Fabio, the headless horseman (or a Hawaiian shirt), but Mandy is all mine!

"Alright everybody, we're here!" Hurrah, we finally made it! "Now we're only going to get some casual stuff for you to wear around here so no flipping out!" I commanded, looking directly at Erik, who shifted uncomfortably. "Come on, it won't be so bad! I could have taken you to the mall!" With that I jumped out of the car leaving them to follow. As if they could survive the mall, Erik couldn't even behave himself in the basement of my apartment building.

"What are we looking for Mandy?" Christine asked as we headed for the door.

"We'll get you both some jeans and a nice blouse for you." I grinned wickedly before continuing in a whisper. "And see if we can't find Erik something interesting to wear!"

"What was that?" The man doomed to wear an interesting article of clothing hissed from behind me.

"I was just saying you need a coat. You really stand out in a cloak, even if it does suit you marvelously, Mr. D." He glanced away as though embarrassed and I once again suspected he remembered more than he admitted to. Well, there's more than one way to catch a ghost…

Picking out a pair of black jeans for Christine and myself was easy so we quickly moved on to a blouse for her and a shirt for him. Wandering around in the ladies section with a very self-conscious Erik in tow, we finally narrowed the decision down to two blouses, a deep blue satin tee shirt and a vibrant green peasant top, but decided she would try them on after helping Erik to pick out a shirt as well. So our odd little trio meandered into the men's section.

"Now then Erik, name your three favorite colors." I said as I eyed the multitude of color-filled racks of shirts for sale.

"Black." Came his instantaneous reply.

"And?"

"Black."

"And your last choice?"

"Black."

"Fine, Christine we are looking for something in red, blue or green." Erik spluttered angrily but before he could say anything nasty I cut him off. "Or did you say yellow, purple and pink?" I grinned once again as his anger simmered just beneath the surface and watched as he bit his lip in an attempt to refrain from commenting. Just as Christine and I turned to start searching through the racks for a shirt, one of the shop girls wandered over.

"Hi, I'm Kristi. Is there anything I can help you with today?"

"Well my friends need some new clothes to help them fit in better," I explained as she looked at Christine's dress in confusion. "They're European."

"Ah!" She exclaimed knowingly then she glanced over at Erik, and glanced again. "What exactly are you looking for?" She asked as she gazed up at him.

"The tribal council has voted that Bob here needs to discover the joys of shades other than black, so something colorful would be good."

"Right! I know the perfect thing!" with that she rushed over to a rack towards the back and began rummaging through the hangers. "Here it is!" she cried as she rushed back with her find. As she held it up for us to see, everyone could hear Erik's pitiful whimper.

The Hawaiian shirt was riot of brilliant colors that swirled and blended together, almost sickening to look at. The vibrant hues glowed with an unnatural light like a creature that crawled out of the radiation from a nuclear blast.

"Umm, how about something a little bit toned down?" I asked as I squinted at the thing.

"Are you sure?" she asked as she lowered it and looked longingly at it. "This shirt is very popular!" She held it up again and I briefly considered buying it just to be able shed tears of joy as I destroyed it later. Shaking my head no as I fought my pyromaniac tendencies, she trudged back to it rack and sadly hung it back up.

Suddenly all the air in my lungs was violently forced out as Erik grabbed me in a death grip. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" he desperately whimpered into my hair. I made some small choking noises and he released me quickly. Shaking my head to dispel my dizziness, I smiled in the general direction of his voice.

"How about this one?" Kristi asked, as she returned with another insanely bright shirt. It was apparently inspired by Picasso and the designer had simply intensified the colors to the point of potential retinal damage.

"No, I think we'll just browse a bit and see if we can't find something he'll like."

"Okay just let me know if you need anything," with a smile and a wave she wandered back off towards the front desk. Everyone sighed in relief as she left and I couldn't help but hum a few bars of the hallelujah chorus for which I received a pained smirk from Erik.

"Well then, now that we have survived whatever level of Hell Dante decided painfully bad fashion belongs to, lets find this man a shirt!" Christine looked a little lost but nodded in agreement. "Any last words Erik?"

"If the Fop can survive it, I can too!" He announced, his jaw set and his head held high.

"Okay, well I never thought I'd see the day when the Fop became your role model but now that Hell is officially frozen over lets get shopping!"

"This one!" Christine exclaimed after several more minutes of searching. "Its perfect!"

Erik's sigh of resignation was quite audible from several feet away.

"Now don't get too excited Erik. Remember your heart condition!" I teased as we made our way to where Christine was holding the garment destined for Erik. He snorted good-naturedly but the fear didn't leave his eyes as she handed it over to him.

The shirt destined for Erik turned out to be a silk poet-type shirt with billowing sleeves that clasped tightly to his wrists. It was a rich deep red, similar in color to his beloved roses with a delicate sheen to it as it rippled through his fingers. It was truly a beautiful shirt.

"Oh, I'm going to buy this one since it matches Erik's shirt so well!" she cried happily, holding up her first blouse. Erik unconsciously smiled at the thought of her coordinating clothing to match with his. "I'm going to try it on right now!"

While I'm not sure when blue suddenly became the perfect match for red, I guess it does work out better than the green one would have. Though they would look really cute together during the holidays…

"Okay Erik, what size pants do you wear?" I asked as Christine rushed into a changing room with her stash.

"Why?" he asked suspiciously.

"So I can mention that information when I auction them off on EBay," I managed to keep a straight face for two seconds before bursting out into laughter. "Sometimes you're such a dork! Its so that I can help you find a pair in your size."

"All of my clothing is custom tailored to fit," he sneered.

"You are sucha snob. Here," I told him as I walked down the aisle grabbing a pair in every size. "Try all these on till you find one that fits." Handing him the pile, I smirked as he angrily marched off to the men's changing rooms.

It wasn't too long before Christine came out dressed in her "modern" outfit, which she naturally looked fabulous in. While we were waiting for Erik to finish trying on his clothes I decided to see if a certain someone's story matched up with hers concerning the previous evening.

"So what was the deal between you and Erik last night?"

"The deal?"

"Why did he seem to frighten you? And why did Raoul have a revolver?"

"He did? I bet he took it from Nadir again! I'll have to remember to tell Philippe when we get back…" She looked thoughtful for a moment, no doubt adding the mental note to her short list of things to remember.

"Why would the fo.. the Viscomte take his gun?"

"He wants to be more like John Wayne." I did a double take then realized she was serious. Irrepressible giggles burst out of my mouth as I envisioned Raouly-boy in his pink shirt with matching cowboy boots and his voice a hokey drawl, marching down to Erik's lair. Well all right there phantom, you just git on outta this opery haus before som'thin a'bad happens to ya.

"John Wayne! Why on earth would he want to be like John Wayne?" I managed to choke out around my laughter.

"Because he always beats the bad guy and wins the girl in the end!"

"Hang on, who told you this?"

"Meg."

"And how does Meg know about John Wayne?"

"Well you remember that day you came back from school and there was pizza stuck to the ceiling…"

"Never mind," I quickly cut her off not wanting to hear another story of Meg's adventures. "Just tell me why you and Erik were acting so weird last night."

"Did you ask Erik about it?" she evaded the question and shuffled her feet.

"Yes," I may not have gotten an honest answer out of him but I did ask.

"Does Erik like John Wayne?"

"I have no idea but I do know that you aren't answering my question." She sighed once and then completely without warning burst into tears. "Are you okay?" I asked as she sobbed on and on. Holding her by her shoulders I tried to be comforting, but I had no idea why she randomly started bawling. Maybe having her spending this much time with Erik is a bad idea…

"I just don't know what to do! Raoul is so sweet and gentle, and he loves me very much in his own way… But Erik loves me too! He taught me to sing and he has always taken care of me and… and…" her tears pouring from her eyes, she was too chocked up to continue for a moment so I let her catch her breath. "And he killed Buquet! And he made the chandelier fall! And I'm afraid…"

"What are you afraid of Christine? You know he would never hurt you." I soothed, holding her close.

"But I'm engaged to Raoul! He would hurt Raoul!" she sobbed. "He hates Raoul!"

How many times can you say that damn name in a single minute! I thought as she continued to bawl her eyes out. "Don't worry, I'm sure everything will turn out alright in the end."

"Okay," she sniffed. I nearly laughed; her emotions were so easily manipulated.

"Besides, its not like Raoul can't defend himself, he is a grown man," Okay, so you know and I know that this is probably one of the biggest lies ever told but lets not burden the kid with the awful truth that, even with a stolen revolver, her fiancé couldn't protect himself from a chicken, much less a very angry phantom.

"You're right!" She perked up instantly, like a dried up plant that's given some water. "I must try and see the best in this situation. If you can be brave, then I can to!"

"That's the spirit! Besides what could happen if we keep them apart?" She nodded happily and we put this latest crisis behind us.

After sitting and chatting amicably with Christine for another half an hour I was ready to go in and drag the incredibly slow-to-get-dressed Erik out.

"Come on Erik! What is taking you so long in there?" I called standing at the entrance the men's changing room.

"It couldn't have anything to do with the fact that you gave me three dozen pairs of pants to try on!" he shouted from one of the stalls.

"Did not! Come on out here and lets see how you look!"

"Patience is a virtue."

"And Barney is a dinosaur." I replied in my best totally innocent singsong voice. "Do I need to continue?"

"I'll be out in a moment!" He snarled angrily. I grinned and looked over at Christine who was regarding me strangely.

"What?" I asked. She merely shrugged her shoulders gracefully.

"I just don't know how you do that."

"Do what?"

"You make him do all sorts of things he wouldn't do."

"Well he'd do the same stuff for you if you asked him. He really loves you, you know."

She didn't answer but instead her jaw dropped and her eyes shot open. Turning back to the hallway, I too registered astonishment at the sight of Erik. His new black jeans were far more form fitting that his old pants had been and when combined with his luscious new shirt he looked every inch the fairy tale prince come to sweep the beautiful princess off her feet. There was only one little problem…

"Button your blasted shirt!" I screeched at him as he stepped further into the hallway. "You are not Fabio so do not dress like him!" Startled, Erik hastily began fumbling with the buttons on his shirt but unfortunately my ranting was heard by Kristi, who immediately rushed over.

"Is there anything I can help you with?" she asked gazing up adoringly at Erik as he continued to struggle with his buttons.

Waving my hand in front of her face to get her attention, I answered for everyone. "Yeah, I think we're ready to check out now, will it be okay for them to wear their clothing out of the store?"

"Ummm…" From the looks of her mischievous smile clearly she would prefer Erik to wear as little as possible out of the store. "I suppose so."

"Good. We'll come back later to look for a coat for you guys, its nice enough out today you shouldn't need one and I've still got to run by the market." Hiking up to the registers we quickly paid for the outfits and left, continuing on our grand adventure.

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"Remind me again why we're here." Erik asked despondently.

"We are buying food so that we do not starve to death." I replied.

"And how soon would we die if we didn't buy this food?"

"What?"

"I mean if its going to be a while before we die, then we could just put this off for a bit longer and …"

"Look Erik, we have been sitting in the parking lot for fifteen minutes. I can't take it any more. Get your rear end out of my car and calmly walk towards the door." With an exasperated sigh I climbed out of the car, quickly followed by Christine and headed to the entrance, determined not to look back. The only thing Erik couldn't stand more than being in a strange place, such as a parking lot, was being left alone in said strange place. Sure enough as the sliding doors slid open I caught his reflection in the glass behind me. "Glad you decided to join us Erik."

"Don't push it Mandy." Grinning at his attempts to steer the wobbly cart I led the way through the supermarket.

While I had at first thought that Erik would be impressed by the modern marvels of food preserving technology I found his focus was on dealing with another issue. At this time of day the store was relatively empty and though most of the people there didn't seem to care about Erik's odd appearance, naturally there were some who did.

In particular was one small and annoying child of about three who was strapped into his mother's cart. The red-faced child only stopped screaming his piercing scream when he saw Erik and from then on anywhere we three went here came that woman while her rude child.

"That child is doing it again." Erik snarled in my ear as the boy made yet another face at him with his fingers up his nose and pulling up his eyelids. "Are you sure my mask is on right?"

"Yes Erik," I mumbled back trying to concentrate on picking the best melon. "Does this one look ripe to you?"

"Yes, its fine. I swear that little beast can see straight through my mask!" He growled as the child made yet another disgusting face.

"Oh no, look it's got a soft spot. I'll have to pick another one."

"Just hurry up would you?"

"You can't rush me, I've got to pick a good one."

"But why?" he whined.

"Because," I whined right back. Erik humphed and turned back to the problem child who was now making even grosser faces. The last straw was when the boy licked a coupon flier and stuck it on half of his face imitating Erik.

"Demented little…" hearing the change in his tone I looked up to find Erik poised to hurl a cantaloupe at the child, now wide-eyed in panic. Just as he swung his arm forward I grabbed the melon out of his hand. It was only slightly bigger than the child's head and I had a sudden mental image of the evil child in a cape zooming around in his shopping cart like the headless horseman, frightening shoppers in the darker aisles and randomly throwing cantaloupes at them.

"Oh Erik you found the perfect one! Thank you so much!" I happily exclaimed as I carefully set it in the cart. He looked furious at me as I foiled his plan but I only smiled innocently. Trust Erik to make a cantaloupe into a deadly weapon. Returning his glare to the child, he was hit in the face with the wadded up and chewed on flier, much to the child's delight.

"I have never wanted to kill anyone this badly!" he hissed as he angrily wiped the spit off his face.

"He's just doing it for attention. Either ignore him or respond in a way he won't like."

"How?"

"Like this," with that I turned and made my own ugly face back at the child who promptly scowled and proceeded to pout.

"Oh Mandy! What a horrid face!" Christine breathlessly whimpered as she returned from her quest for another bag of chips. Oh course Erik, whose nerves were shot pretty badly already, grabbed his face in both hands and with a groan of misery sank to his knees.

"Oh poor Erik!" she cried as she dropped down to the floor beside him. Several people gave them odd looks but continued with their shopping. "This must be so terrible for you!" Wrapping her willowy arms around his trembling frame, she gently cooed soothing words into his ear.

A/N: Rats! No pink shirt for the other man in black! Still, we did get some color on the poor, tortured genius and I'm sure you all enjoyed this fop free chapter! (I know he was mentioned, but he wasn't actually in it so that doesn't count!)

A special shout out goes to Kristi AKA LiTTleLoTTe1991 for trying her very best. Sorry, but Erik just doesn't deserve to be forced to wear something so horrible. Well, maybe he does but that means I've got to look at it too and I certainly haven't done anything to deserve that!

Please Review! If only because Erik would want you… to review! I totally meant to review!