"I'm all right, I'm all right, it only hurts when I breathe"

An "O.C." Ficlet – for Devon

Disclaimer: Not mine

Info: PG, R/L, Future fic...

By Moonie

"Coffee please?" Ryan Atwood sat at the diner's counter, placing his briefcase at his feet. He hadn't been in Seattle for years, yet it all looked the same. This latest project the company had undertaken was big and they'd sent him to get a look at some suppliers. He still hated leaving the kids, even years after losing…

"Here you go," the waitress put the cup before him.

"Thank you," he reached for the milk.

"And your bill, ma'am," he could hear her continue.

"Thank you," the woman replied.

Ryan froze. He knew that voice. He hadn't heard it in years, but there was no mistaking it. He looked slowly to the side, finding the speaker at the end of the counter, red hair finely swept into an up do. He wasn't sure whether he should approach her or not. For all he knew, she had no interest in ever speaking to him again. It wasn't so much that they'd left things badly, but the memories she must have surrounding him…

"Ryan Atwood…" he was pulled back to reality and he looked up at her.

"Lindsay," he stood with a smile inspired by the fact that she was smiling as well.

"My goodness, fancy meeting you here. How long's it been? Twenty-five years?'

"Just about," Ryan nodded. "You look good," he continued to smile.

"So do you," she nodded.

"Would you like to…" he indicated a free table nearby.

"Uh, sure," she nodded and they went.

"Do you live here?" he asked.

"No, just business. I live in Portland. Are you still in Newport?"

"Yeah, I am," he nodded. "Married?"

"Divorced. You?"

"Widowed…"

"Oh I'm sorry, I…"

"It's okay, you didn't…"

"Marissa?" He nodded. "What…"

"Accident, eight years ago." Lindsay seemed lost for words. "It was hard, but we all got through it," Ryan went on. Lindsay looked up.

"How long were you married?" she asked.

"Going on fourteen years. We have two sons. Elliott is twenty now, off in med school. Tom's twelve; he wants to be a hockey player these days, I don't know where he got that," he smiled and Lindsay laughed. Ryan became quiet for a moment. "And we have a daughter, Skye… Seventeen, and she looks just like her mother…" After a moment, he snapped out of his daze, offering another smile. "They're great, I wish you could meet them."

"Well we never know," she nodded. "And you could meet my daughter. Her name's Sarah, she's also seventeen. She's bordering on over-shy." The two shared a grin.

"We should set up a dinner, come visit us," Ryan suggested. "I'm sure Kirsten would love to see you two."

"Maybe…" Lindsay nodded shortly, though not looking right at him.

"Is something wrong?" Ryan asked, concerned.

"N-no, it's nothing," she insisted.

"It's not nothing, I can tell." She continued pulling a silent moment, and eventually Ryan began to understand. "Is it going back to Newport?" She looked up at him, unable to hide a small smile.

"Somehow I knew you'd figure me out."

"It's been twenty-five years, things have changed."

"But some things never can… I… I wasn't there when Caleb died. I wasn't there for any of it, I found out all the information through the news. He and I may not have had the best of relationships, but he was still my father. And yet… I couldn't help feeling like… now my life could get back to normal somehow. No one needed to know who I was the daughter of, they wouldn't see me any differently. And then I just wanted to hate myself for thinking this when at the same time so many people were left reeling. Newport just became this place I knew I couldn't enter without feeling like all this guilt would return to hit me… and Kirsten… I'd be so scared she'd find out."

"Lindsay," he took her hands. She gasped lightly back to reality, looking up at Ryan, allowing the comfort she found in his eyes to wash over her. "No one will resent you for it, it was a long time ago and it wasn't easy for anyone, including you. They'll understand."

"Maybe… but I still can't do it for now…"

"That's fine, I could get my trio together, come up for a visit…"

"I'd like that," she smiled.

"So how long are you in town for?"

"Why?"

"I was thinking I would love some company for dinner tonight, and I know we probably have a lot of catching up to do…"

"I'll be there," she nodded.

"Great," Ryan nodded back.

He came to pick her up that night at six. They had a simple dinner, which lasted relatively long, the conversation taking on a life of its own. When they were told the restaurant was closing, they continued talking as they slowly walked back to Lindsay's hotel.

"Well, I guess this is good night," she nodded as he got her to her door.

"Yeah. Hardly saw the time go by."

"Same here."

"How about breakfast tomorrow morning?" he smiled.

"Sure," she grinned. "Okay. I'm gonna do something, I just…" she bridged the gap and kissed him briefly. "See you tomorrow."

"Y-yeah," he blinked. Both smiled and Lindsay went into her room.

That night, both of them found themselves with a slight case of insomnia. Thoughts bouncing around in their heads. Ryan kept thinking how even though he knew that years later no one would hold it against him to try and move on, part of him would still feel unfaithful by doing anything. Nothing would change his feelings for his late wife.

At the same time, he still held some feelings for Lindsay somewhere in him. To this day he'd continued to wonder about what could have been. So it wasn't like he'd just sprouted feelings for a complete stranger. This was someone he'd cared about for a long time, still did.

And maybe that was the part that felt like a betrayal; this was where Marissa's face appeared in his mind. This was where he recalled her telling him she was pregnant with Elliott the day of Seth and Summer's wedding. This was where he could see her worried traits when Skye had ended up in the hospital with a strong fever, where he saw her crying joyfully holding baby Tommy. This was where he saw the pain pull away from her face as her life ended.

He'd never forgotten about Lindsay, and seeing her now gave him the same feeling of a jolt, a rush. Try as he might, the feeling refused to release its hold on him. This kept him tossing and turning until he looked at the clock and he sighed with exasperation when he saw it was almost three in the morning and he still couldn't fall asleep.

Grabbing his jacket, he got down to the hotel lobby, heading for the exit – he needed air. And that was when he saw her, sitting in a nightgown and her suit jacket, long red hair veiled over the side of her face.

"Lindsay…" Her head snapped back and she stood with a start.

"Ryan, hey…"

"What are you…"

"I couldn't sleep."

"Neither could I," he admitted.

"I'm sorry about before, I shouldn't have…" she spoke hurriedly.

"You don't need to apologize…"

"I don't?" she asked, sitting back on the lobby couch.

"Look, I don't know what this means for us. I know that I have my issues, you have yours… but I also know I couldn't sleep tonight because I couldn't get you off my mind." She looked back up at him.

"Oh?"

"I may not know what will come from this; I don't know if anything will… But I want to find out because… I've missed you."

"Missed you too," she stood back up, blushing and smiling.

"Come on," he offered his hand. "If you want, you could stay the night to sleep…"

"Sleep," she nodded and took his hand, "I like that. Whatever comes, it can wait for morning."

the end.

up next: a Seth ficlet.