Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

CHAPTER EIGHT

"Knockturn Alley Mission? Dare to Dream?" Ginny was confused. "Am I the only person who doesn't get the joke?"

Hermione was biting her bottom lip. Her lack of scolding Harry was a clear indication she didn't get it either. Of course, Hermione would never admit it quite that plainly. She was merely filing it away to research later. She mentally marked it for discovery, second in queue behind that odd pointing towards Harry's mum and the house where the former Minister lived. Apparently everyone else laughed when they sang, "And around the corner, Fudge was made."

Sirius grinned widely at Ginny's confused look. "You may be too young and impressionable for this sort of grown-up talk."

Harry saw the confusion on Hermione's face and said, "Go on and explain it to her, Hermione."

Hermione shrieked and snarled. "Dammit Potter, you're so immature!"

Sirius turned to Lily, "That's a fair impression of you she's doing."

Lily saw the genuine frustration and anger on Hermione's face. "Moony? You sure she's not dating my son?"

Hermione closed her eyes and found her happy place. She was letting the anger wash away with the tide.

"Alright, so I'm not alone here. Hermione's as clueless as me." Ginny said.

Hermione's tides were bringing it all right back at her. She angrily bit out, "Oh come on, Ginny. This is Harry. You know it's stupid, you know it's childish, and you know it's probably related to a bodily function. Do you really need to know whatever insidious little joke or cheesy pun he's made?"

Sirius interrupted and smiled. "Prongs, help me out here. I'll start: Knockturn All-"

"-ey Mission!" James cheerfully finished. He slung an arm over Padfoot's shoulders and they looked towards the sky. In unison they whispered into the wind, "Dare… to dream."

Sirius wiped a tear from his eye. "Those lucky kids."

"Those poor sheet-changing house elves." James said as his eye too was leaking.

With a surprising pop, Dobby appeared suddenly. "Fresh sheets for you, sir." Dobby said presenting James with a matching set of king size suggestive looking Bambi sheets. Another pop and Dobby was gone. The entire exchange took less than three seconds.

James was blushing at some of the positions on his new sheets. "Is that cheeky little bugger trying to impress me?"

Sirius shrugged and was interrupted by James enthusiastic response of, "Because it's working!"

Hermione just sighed and turned to Ginny. "You see? Did you really want to know that?"

"Know what? I still don't get it." Ginny complained.

Sirius leaned over towards Ginny and whispered an explanation in her ear.

Ginny was listening intently, though the moment of realization was obvious as the dreaded Weasley blush was a known incurable disease. The Weasley mouth working independently of the brain was unproven, but Ginny was making a case for it when she blurted out, "That happens to guys too?"

While this greatly amused everyone else and even had a stern Hermione giggling it was not healthy for poor Ginny. She was paling in fright, blushing in embarrassment, and sweating in some personal areas. She meekly begged, "Harry," she gulped. "Help."

Always a gentleman, Harry quickly hit Ginny in the abdomen with a stunner, knocking her unconscious and then catching her before she hit the ground. He threw her over his shoulder and was going to carry her the rest of the way back.

Lily was not expecting that and scolded, "Harry!"

"What?" Harry asked before recognizing the look on his Mum's face. "Oh no. We've got the numbers on her and that tidbit of knowledge she just let slip was way too good to not laugh at. This way she won't be embarrassed by us all laughing at her."

Sirius and Remus must have made a similar discovery as Tonks was blushing and the two oldest Marauders were happily laughing in her face.

The large group made it to the secret back room in Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, and were frustrated when Harry and Ginny disappeared, but no one else apparently could remember where they lived.

When Harry came back down and realized he'd just popped them all in last time and never actually shared the Fidelius secret, he was tempted to hold the information hostage, particularly from the ladies. Some brief bargaining and Harry agreed to let them back up if he got to see two chicks make out. Tonks leapt at the opportunity and morphed into a duplicate Severus Snape. She jumped towards Lily with her mouth open and tongue out.

Lily was too scared to react in time. Luckily Harry kept his wits about himself and began yelling the Fidelius secret as loud as he possibly could. The secret back room had its own silencing and privacy charms thankfully, or the entire Alley probably would have heard Harry Potter repeatedly screaming, "Two boobs below and a Harry on top! Two boobs below and a Harry on top!"

"Thank you sweetie," Tonks said as she calmly morphed back into a common form, and kissed Harry on the cheek as she walked past. She was carrying several packages and walked up the stairwell she saw appear.

Harry was now catching his breath, and taking that mental image and burying it under layers of occlumency even he couldn't break.

Harry deposited Ginny's still unconscious form onto the couch. "I think it's time I took Mum and Dad to visit the Old Man. Nobody wake Ginny till we've left."

"Why not?" Lily asked.

Harry smiled. "Well because I stunned her and it'll be a lot safer if I'm not around when she wakes up."

James grinned. "I get the feeling this isn't the first time you've stunned her."

"Of course not!" Harry insisted. "There are a lot of times it's just safer for everyone if she's unconscious. Last time I stunned her though, she sort of went into shock and wasn't too pleased."

"What happened?" Sirius asked, a little too happy for having heard someone went into shock.

Harry looked shyly at Hermione and asked, "Do you know this story?"

Hermione shook her head baffled.

"Oh well in that case," Harry began. "Here's what happened. Ginny was complaining that I never do anything romantic for her, and then I began pointing out all the romantic things about a moonlit evening. She could never see past the fact that our hair was caked with a pungent green mud and we were no longer welcome in Essex County."

"Anyone think Harry's skimming over parts in this?" Tonks asked and received affirmative nods all around and a scowl from Harry.

"Anyways, I was explaining how the stars were almost always romantic and she kept saying they weren't tonight because it was overcast. So I thought I'd try and be a good little boyfriend and oblige her with a romantic gesture. I wrapped my arm securely around her shoulder in a hug and then apparated us a few thousand feet above the cloud line, so we could see the stars and feel that crisp cool night air on our face, as we gently descended in a free fall."

"That was your idea of romantic?" James asked.

Harry smiled weakly. "Ginny has a completely untrue crazy idea that I did that on purpose to scare her and because she was being an argumentative bitch. I maintain it was a sincere attempt at romance that I may have misjudged Ginny on."

"What happened?" Tonks asked with a wide grin.

"Ginny just kept screaming and freaking out. She was scratching me and kicking me, so finally I stunned her. When I woke her after that she still thought she was falling and well, let's just say, I know I'm a bad person because it was really, really funny."

"Anyways, me and the folks will be back a bit later. Moony, I need you to babysit Padfoot."

"Hey!" Sirius complained.

Harry ignored him and continued on to Remus. "You can't leave him alone with all these attractive young females." Harry put up a hand to his mouth and stage whispered to Remus, "Prison changes a man."

Remus nodded sagely and kept a careful eye on Sirius who was doing his best to hide his pucker.

"Alright, Albus!" an enraged Harry screamed while he hid his parents behind him. "You know you're going down for sending that story to the Prophet." Harry's eyes were flaring with power. "The question remains whether you're going down alone."

"It was Bob!" Albus quickly pleaded. "It was all Bob's idea. He used me. I'm as much as victim here as you are."

"Really?" Harry asked and paused for a few seconds. "Because that's exactly what Bob told me you would say."

Albus looked cornered and skittish. His heart was racing and he was not prepared for someone to tap him on the shoulder. With a girlish squeak Albus fell out of his chair.

Harry's eyes twinkled and he motioned with his hand. "And I assume you recognize my parents."

Neither James' nor Lily's face betrayed any amusement at all as they saw their revered Headmaster looking as terrified as a first year. "Hello Headmaster," Lily said in an emotionless monotone voice.

Albus' eyes flickered back and forth between the two zombie Potters. "Lily," he said cheerfully. His face dropped seriously, "Miss Evans." He shook his head and corrected himself, "Mrs. Potter." He tried with a bow of his head.

Lily just stood there impassively.

Albus weakly tried, "The Mother-Who-Lived?" He was struggling to grin while everyone else just stood there watching him oddly.

James smiled, "What about The Mother?"

Lily just closed her eyes and sighed.

Harry looked over at his father. "I bet you're going to get smacked for that."

James shrugged. "Probably."

Unfortunately this byplay had the effect of calming the nervous Headmaster a fair amount.

"You may call me Bessie." Lily permitted.

James waved lightly. "Prongs."

"Alright," Albus agreed. "Then I insist you call me Albus."

Lily nodded but added, "Alright, Albus. But no promises on what I call you behind your back."

Albus gulped.

"Bastard."

James did his best to hide his amusement.

Albus frowned. "I'll pretend I didn't hear that."

Lily raised a challenging eyebrow. "So tell me, Albus. How is senility treating you?"

Albus opened his mouth to respond and was immediately interrupted by Lily. "Is there anything you'd like to say to us, Albus?"

"Err, that depends." Albus stalled. "What do you know?"

Lily yipped out an angry moo and hit Albus in the head with her shoe. "Arg! You complete bastard! You intentionally forced Harry into an unhappy childhood!"

Albus was going to say something in his defense but James caught Albus' eye. James frowned and shook his head.

Lily apparently needed to vent. "You interfered in business that shouldn't have been yours! You should not have even had a say in Harry's future after our deaths! And the fact that you knew what his childhood was like and just left him to rot! A bloody cupboard! And you knew you'd get away with it because he had no other family that you had to answer to! You bloody bastard!"

Albus sat quietly taking his verbal thrashing.

"I certainly don't know what crazy blood protection I may have invoked, but there had to be better options for my son!"

Albus waited a moment and began to open his mouth, but was again interrupted by Lily, who snarled, "And I'm pissed off at you for Sirius' sake too, you bastard!"

Albus looked at Harry accusingly. "I didn't kill Sirius."

Harry frowned but let his mum do all the yelling.

"That's not what I'm talking about, you manipulative bastard! Even if you were bloody stupid enough to honestly believe Sirius guilty, there were enough bloody questions about that bloody night that maybe just once in a bloody decade you should have talked to him! If you just had you would have realized that you were standing by and letting a good man rot in prison, when he should have been caring for and raising his godson, you god damn bloody bastard!"

James looked over at Harry. He whispered a question. "Did she just call Sirius a 'good man'?" When he got hit in the head with Lily's other shoe, James wisely kept quiet.

"Now, I'm out of shoes, so you better not piss me off any further!" Lily shrieked towards everyone in the room.

Three quick fire flashes and Fawkes had returned the footwear to the angry mother.

It took nearly all of James willpower to not blurt out loud, 'It's The Mother reloaded!'

"So tell me, old man," Lily snarled. "Why shouldn't I just kill you for harming my son? I'm already dead and doubt even the Wizengamot would blame me."

"Err," Albus stammered and looked to James for help. James just crossed his arms and seemed to want an answer from the Headmaster.

Lily's eyes were glittering dangerously. "Can you look me in the eye and honestly tell me any mistakes you made were just that, mistakes? And you always had the best of intentions for my son?"

Albus gulped and nodded. "Yes."

"Harry," Lily yelled a little more calmly but still seemed unable to control her voice. "Have you forgiven Albus' transgressions despite the obvious trauma and emotional scarring that he is at the root of?"

Harry stared impassively at the Headmaster and raised an eyebrow. Albus' pleading frightened look seemed like all the answer he needed. "Yeah, we're cool."

Lily calmed significantly and sat down in a chair in front of the Headmaster's desk and smiled. "Lovely. You look healthy, Albus. How are you doing?"

James sat down next to his wife and took her hand, both to calm her down and perhaps preemptively block her from smacking him.

Albus was startled by the complete change in demeanor and suddenly pleasant conversation. "I'm… err… I'm doing okay."

"Oh, I'm sorry I yelled at you there, Albus," Lily softly apologized.

Albus meekly nodded in acceptance. "So you don't blame me?"

Lily pursed her lips. "I most certainly do. But you didn't wish him harm, he ended up okay, and he doesn't blame you, so at least not all of my ire is deserved. But I still blame you."

"Umm… okay." Albus said uncertainly. "So what now?"

"Now," Lily smirked. "You tell me all the trouble my son got into and missed out on punishment because he had no caring guardians."

"Hey now!" Harry indignantly yelped. "That's not fair."

"Oh hush, Harry," Lily insisted. "It's not like I'm going to ground you. You're older than I am, and I'm living in one of your apartments."

"Well," Harry was stalling. "Well… maybe I do blame Albus. Maybe we're being a bit hasty in just buying his claims of good intentions."

Albus' eyes were twinkling happily at Harry.

"Maybe he's really the ultra manipulative Dark Lord behind everything!" Harry theorized.

Fawkes squawked and swatted Harry for the indirect insult on her.

Harry saw the determination in Fawkes' eye that reminded him of the look she gave the basilisk just before gouging its eyes out. "Oh fine." Harry grumbled.

"Relax, Harry," Lily explained. "We're just a decade or so late for our Parent-Headmaster conference."

Harry began mumbling to himself and just sat there petting Fawkes on the back of her neck. He was trying to find the spot that made her twitch her leg.

"So tell me, Albus," Lily smiled and began. "I'm sure Snivellus was a right arse, but was my son a problem student in any of his classes that matter?"

Harry grinned thinking maybe this wouldn't be too bad.

Albus considered the futility of trying to defend Severus and instead elected to just explain, "Well, first year he killed my DADA professor."

"Oi!" Harry reacted. "Not my fault! Not my fault, at all, you barmy old codger! You're the one who hired the Death Eater with Voldemort living in the back of his head!"

"Sorry." Albus shrugged. "But you still killed him."

"Yeah he did," James giggled. "We saw that memory already. Bloody exciting."

Lily frowned unable to distance herself from the fact that that had been her baby. "You might want to reevaluate your interview procedure, considering a Voldemort-possessed Death Eater was the right man for the job."

Albus frowned a bit wondering how much they knew about Harry's other DADA professors.

James nodded and asked. "So what sort punishment are you giving these days for killing staff members?"

Albus actually blushed and bowed his head. "I awarded him enough points to ensure Gryffindor would win the House cup."

"Albus! He was in serious danger!" Lily scolded. "You were encouraging him! And dirtying the good name of the points system!"

"The points system?" Albus looked at Harry and James briefly. "Didn't Harry mention who's been teaching Potions?"

"That's right!" James remembered. "Cripes Harry! You could have won the House Cup by a mile if you'd just killed your Potions professor too!"

Harry rolled his eyes. "You two are worse than Sirius. Honestly, Severus isn't that bad. He cured Frank and Alice just like a year or so ago!"

James raised an eyebrow. "And dog shit makes the soil more fertile." James shrugged. "So what?"

"Be fair, James," Lily surprisingly pleaded. "It has been a long time since we saw him. He might have changed." She turned to address her son. "You should understand, Harry, when we knew him, he was truly horrible towards pretty much everyone who wasn't a Slytherin. He was mean, petty, as rude as he could possibly be, he took a sick pleasure in other people's pain, and he really had a deep-seated irrational hatred of your father. But if you say he's grown-up and changed…"

Harry looked at Albus who was wearing that sort of guilty smile you get after filling your diaper.

Harry winced and weakly smiled. "Well, okay… maybe changed is too strong a term."

"Oh Harry," James sighed sadly and frowned. "Do you hate the mudbloods too?"

"What?" Harry was unprepared for that one. "No, not at all. I love mudbloods. Some of them with regularity."

Albus frowned. "Would you stop using that term, please!"

Harry frowned confused. "Have you not countered the constipation curse on your chair?"

Albus jumped out of his seat examining his chair with his mage senses, looking to see if that curse had been put back on it.

Lily added in helpfully, "I think he meant the term mudblood, Harry, not regularity."

"Oh… oh yeah." Harry agreed. "Albus hates the word mudblood. Even more than pussywillow."

"Ack!" Albus yelped. "Stop saying that one too!"

Lily and James just looked at their odd Headmaster. After a few moments of silence Lily just said, "Pussywillow."

Albus huffed petulantly. After settling himself sufficiently, he added, "I'll admit Severus is not the most likeable person." Albus ignored the three identical snorts. "But even if you'll never agree he is a good man, you can at least recognize and acknowledge the good things he has done."

Lily nodded. "Hitler was a vegetarian."

Albus did his best not to draw the comparison Lily may have implied. "An unrelated observation, but I think only most cows and chickens would consider that a truly good thing."

Lily's eyes lit up and she snarled, "You carnivores on the other hand have been slaughtering and eating my brethren!"

Albus looked at Harry. "Bessie is a… Bessie?"

Harry nodded. "And you know, now that you mention it, I could go for a juicy steak tonight. I know this great muggle steakhouse…"

James' eyes perked up. "How's the veal?"

Before Harry could even respond, Lily had backhanded her husband hard enough to knock his chair straight back. There was a loud crack when his skull hit the stone floor behind him. He moaned, "Awww… Godric dammit."

Albus sighed quietly. "He still does that?"

Lily just nodded sadly.

"Praise be to Harry that it never caught on." Albus replied with a twinkle in his eye.

Harry frowned harshly. "That's not right, man. That's just not right."

Albus grinned unabashedly. "Moving on, in his second year, your son helped steal an enchanted car, flew that to Hogwarts, in front of some Muggles, and crashed it into the Whomping Willow."

"Harry!" Lily scolded, beginning to notice a pattern forming.

Harry was sagging in his chair a bit. "You know, the way Albus explains things, makes them sound a lot worse than they really are."

James laughed. "Well that one sounds pretty fricking sweet to be honest!"

Harry watched his Mum smile and shrug. "Okay that one kind of does. I hope this year you managed to keep from killing your DADA professor."

Albus had a smile chock full of mirth. "No, this one just had his mind completely wiped out."

"He's the one you watched Obliviate himself?" James asked.

Harry nodded and pointed out, "Hey, you know we could cure him too now."

"Harry," Albus slowly responded. "I'm going to completely forget you ever said anything just now, and I would advise you to do the same."

Harry realizing his error, nodded eagerly, and made a motion of zipping his lips.

"So was the obliviation accidental or did he catch Filch in his skivvies or something?" James inquired.

Harry shook his head and crossed his eyes in a vain attempt to keep the mental image blurry. "Accidental. He was a fraud and tried to Obliviate me and Ron. Luckily for us he used Ron's broken wand and fried his own brain."

Lily frowned slightly. "Did any of your DADA teachers escape unscathed?"

"Nicholas is a bit barmy, but at his age I don't think I can take all the blame for that one." Harry continued ignoring the strangled gulping sounds Albus was making. "Delores still goes into convulsions any time she hears hooves clopping or the quiet sounds of Hermione with her arm up begging to be called on. Moody never really taught as he was held captive all year. Athough Albus, I'm sure, could explain it in a way where it would sound like it was my fault that Crouch was kissed. Moony's doing okay though." Harry shrugged. "Of course he did get fired because… umm… okay, fine, he is a bit of a mean, petty bastard."

"Snivellus got Moony fired?" James asked appalled. "That wretched, greasy-"

Lily looked at Harry a little disappointed. "How can you keep defending him, Harry?"

Harry shrugged. "He's one of my marked followers."

Albus rolled his eyes suspecting Harry blurted that out on purpose.

Fawkes felt the tension in the room thickening quickly and jumped into the air trilling a peaceful song.

Lily didn't look upset, just shocked. "You've… you've marked people?"

James narrowed his eyes and yelled, "You do hate the mudbloods!"

"For the love of Merlin, people!" Albus screamed. "Stop saying that-"

"Pussywillow! Pussywillow! Pussywillow!" Harry chanted at the top of his lungs. He ducked just in time and rolled out of the way of an emotion-driven fire hose charm Albus had just sent his way.

Sadly the powerful stream of cold water flew extremely fast across the Headmaster's office slamming his trilling familiar into the opposite wall. Fawkes' song stopped immediately as she was forcefully propelled into a portrait.

Albus looked on fearfully, as fire phoenixes were not known for appreciating being doused in cold water.

Fawkes righted herself, shook like a wet dog, and tried to ignore the extra volume her wet feathers currently had. She gave off one angry squawk, and Albus just paled. "Oh dear." A quick fire flash across the room and Fawkes grabbed hold of a mouthful of Albus' beard. The flames of her travel had started singeing his beard immediately, but Albus had no time to think about that before the pair had fire flash traveled away.

Moments later a girlish squeal was heard just before a large splash in what was most likely the Hogwarts Lake.

Lily opened her mouth to say something but paused hearing that same girlish squeal again followed by another splash. James was snickering happily.

Harry looked at his parents. "I think that went well."

Pleasantly evil grins were all the response he got as they listened to an even longer girlish squeal followed by the painful sounding smack of a splash. There were a few more odd sounds and Harry moved over to the window. James and Lily got up to take a look and they were shocked at what they saw.

It seemed Fawkes and the Giant Squid were playing keep away with the Headmaster. That is to say, the Headmaster was being dropped and thrown back up in the air, as Fawkes and the Giant Squid kept him away from a hippogriff flying in between them.

"Should we do something?" James asked worriedly.

Harry shrugged. "Like what?"

Lily smiled and suggested, "Take pictures?"

Harry was feeling pretty good now. "We can just watch. I know how to manipulate a memory in a pensieve to make a moving picture."

They watched the Headmaster scream in fright as the hippogriff's beak was coming dangerously close to slicing open his fragile anemic body. The three Potters put their arms around each other's shoulders and smiled wistfully happily viewing the scene. Together. As a family.