Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Harry rolled over and looked at his magical alarm clock. The odd birthday gift from Sirius was beginning to grow on him. The delightfully naked woodland nymph clock was barely a foot tall. She looked over her shoulder with a smoldering sultry grin. "Just because you didn't set the alarm doesn't mean you can't hit my snooze button."

Harry shook off his tiredness and smiled at her. "Maybe next time. I should probably get up now."

The clock grinned lecherously at him. "Don't let me stop you."

Harry frowned at her one track mind. "Would you turn around please?"

The nymph slapped her ass soundly and looked away. "Spoilsport."

As soon as Harry got out from under his sheets and stood up, the alarm clock started blaring loudly. Harry scrambled over to her and reluctantly pushed her snooze button several times before she finally shut up. "That's just not fair!" Harry complained.

The frustratingly gorgeous little vixen smirked. "Someone's got to toot my horn."

Harry grumbled as he went to his bathroom for a shower. It was quicker than usual as he was unable to shake off the feeling he was being watched. A short conversation with the clock about the pluses and minuses of sap as a lubricant followed before Harry finally got her to admit it was just after eight in the morning.

Harry walked into the kitchen and saw his father and godfather were both already up. "You guys are up early. Excited to start the school year?"

James smiled at his son. "Yup. We've been discussing the best reasons to take points from Slytherin."

"What do you think, Harry?" Sirius asked. He thinned his lips McGonagall's trademark way. "Ten points from Slytherin for your inability to be loved."

"Or," James loudly argued. "Ten points from Slytherin for spying on Professor Hagrid bathing."

Harry rolled his eyes. "You know you guys could try to be fair and do a good job."

James and Sirius just shared a look that said, 'there's a crazy person in the room and it's not you or me.'

Sirius saw Harry was genuinely holding out hope. "Who knows? Maybe we will."

"Right," Harry chuckled and saw how pleased these two were looking. "I'll warn you right now, if I see any prank that I think goes too far, I'm going to stop it."

James looked shocked. "Us? Prank? We would never-" James couldn't even pretend anymore and just talked normally. "Okay fine. Besides we can only kill old Snivelly once, so it can't be too bad."

Harry shook his head, fearing what these two must have been up early preparing. "I'll tell you this much, Severus is either going to hide during the feast or be expecting something. You'll probably scare him more if you don't do anything. Except maybe smile at him often and pass him food."

Sirius looked over at James. "Dammit." He frowned. "Bugger's right. It will be more fun to just watch Snivellus, because you know he'll be on high alert."

James frowned. "Griphook won't be happy after eating all that fiber and taking those laxatives."

"We can use that stuff later," Sirius stated. "It's not like we're never going to need runny goblin-de-goop."

James nodded. "I suppose I should cancel the strippers too."

Siruis agreed. "Though you may be breaking that poor little Creevy boy's heart. I get the feeling he doesn't get a whole lot of work."

Harry looked at the two father figures in his life. "You guys paint quite a mental picture."

James grinned while Sirius' broad smile faltered and wondered if they were called 'mental' there.

"Anyways," Harry delighted in his confusion. "Have you eaten breakfast?"

"Yeah, no thanks to you," Sirius replied. "There was hardly any food left!"

"I thought we'd go out for breakfast, before heading towards the school for our 11 o'clock meeting." Harry defended. "We're not going to be living here all that often anyways."

"Yes, well, we just wanted some scrambled eggs and I was shocked and appalled that you didn't have any." James sighed. "Luckily Sirius told me about how good ostrich eggs can be, so we helped ourselves to your last one."

"Err… ostrich eggs? Was this by chance one that Moony gave to you?" Harry asked.

Sirius shook his head. "Not eggs plural. Just one egg was plenty for the two of us. It was the one on the shelf over the microwave."

Harry furrowed his brow and looked at the empty shelf before his eyes bugged out. "You didn't!"

James and Sirius were patting their bellies. "Sure did. Needed some ketchup, because even scrambled it was a bit spicy."

"Why?" Sirius added. "Were you saving that one for a special occasion?"

Harry was stuck between disheartened and shocked. "What in the world made you think that was an ostrich egg? Do most people keep ostrich eggs around?"

Sirius was proud to demonstrate his knowledge. "On one of my little jaunts across the world, I learned that those large eggs with specks of black were ostrich eggs. Err, aren't they?"

"That wasn't an ostrich egg, you knuckleheads." Harry sighed as he sat down.

"What was it then?" James asked.

Harry looked up at them sadly. "That was Fawkes' egg, which had been semi-blessed by a dementor. I figured if I gave it enough time, I might snag me a pretty damn cool pet or familiar."

James eeped. "That was a phoenix egg!"

Harry nodded. "Yup."

"You know what else it was?" Sirius grinned.

"What?" Harry asked.

"Delicious!"

Harry groaned knowing he'd walked into that one.

James nodded eagerly. "It was quite tasty. You know if Fawkes' has laid any more?"

Harry smiled. "Umm, dad? You know when Albus hit her with that fire hose charm? She was just a little irritated then. What do you think she's going to do when she finds out you ate her egg?"

Sirius paled, while James sat there thinking deeply. "Well, she is a phoenix, so probably nothing to me for my honest mistake. Although when she hears you were just leaving it around on a shelf in the kitchen, she may claw your eyes out."

Harry frowned and suddenly became very wary of informing Fawkes of their little accidental misunderstanding. He somehow doubted the assurance that it was quite tasty would be appreciated. "Maybe we should just keep this to ourselves."

Sirius nodded. "Sounds like a plan to me."

The nervous and twitchy little first years all lined up and stood there waiting. They could only watch in confusion while the stern lady introduced as Professor McGonagall wrestled with what appeared to be a dirty old hat.

"Stop it!" She scolded. "Give me that bottle."

All the ickle firsties gasped when the Hat held on tightly to its beverage and yelled back through a mouth biting down on the bottle. "No! I need it! You don't understand!"

"This is completely unacceptable behavior, you stupid hat!" She sternly ordered ripping the bottle from its mouth. "Now you will sing your song or so help me, I'll transfigure you into a lemon drop! And you know what that means!"

The Hat hiccupped and followed that up with a loud belch. Its pointed tip was curling lazily as it just now noticed all the frightened looking first years. It twisted itself around and looked up at the Head table. "Ahhhhhhh! We're all gonna die!"

The older students were well familiar with the warnings the Sorting Hat gave during the last rise of evil, and perhaps placed a little too much faith in its powers of precognition. Naturally, the Hufflepuffs began screaming first.

"We're doomed! It's all over! Save yourselves!" the Hat continued screaming. "The sky is falling! There's no tomorrow! We're dead! We're already dead!" It is highly possible the Hat would have continued on a while longer had Professor McGonagall not thrust her hand over its mouth and muffled its fervent panicking.

The majority of the student body was either screaming in fright or looking at the others stupidly. It took three tries of the Headmaster calling for silence before they all quieted down.

Professor McGonagall glared at the Hat until it stopped struggling and looked right back at her. "Now are you going to do your job, the only purpose for your existence, or are you going to spend the rest of your life as Fang's favorite chew toy?"

The Hat said nothing and sat there silently.

The lack of resistance, the Deputy Headmistress interpreted as compliance and she slowly and carefully removed her hand from the Hat's mouth. She relaxed momentarily, thinking the Hat had finally seen reason.

"Game over man! Game over! They're already here and there's nothing we can do! We're doomed!" It yelled out struggling against the Transfiguration Professor's grip. "Doomed I tell you! Doomed!"

"Oh for the love of Merlin," She sighed and cast a localized silencing charm around the area. She wasn't sure she could silence the hat, but she could at least keep the sound confined in its area.

Albus had now stepped down from the Head table and was approaching Minerva to help. "Problems, Professor?"

There were moments when the Deputy Headmistress found the Headmaster's gift for understatement endearing. This was clearly not one of those moments. "You fix this. I'm having a drink." She finished resolutely and stormed up to her seat.

Albus tried to hide his smile and saw a number of amused faces in the crowd to go along with the pale looks of terror on others.

Albus stood there staring at the Hat waiting until it stopped its silent screaming. After tiring itself, it finally closed its mouth and just looked back at the Headmaster. Albus calmly asked, "Alright, how about a compromise? We will forego the song and you can just sort the students. Can you handle that?"

When the Hat made no motion to either begin screaming again or nod in agreement, Albus stated, "Okay, I'm going to remove the silencing charm now and we'll call up the first student."

A small motion of from Albus' wand and the Hat yelled yet again. "Don't let them take you alive!" It then proceeded to arch its tip forward into its own mouth and began biting viciously.

"Stop it!" Albus ordered. "Stop eating yourself!"

Muffled gobbling was the only response Albus got to his demands.

"No!" Albus insisted as he tried to tug the top of the hat out of its mouth. "That's a bad Hat! Bad!"

"Heads up, Albus!" Harry called out and chucked a bottle towards him. The Headmaster grabbed the bottle out of the air and began to pour the liquid into the Hat's chattering mouth. It slowly relaxed and Albus was able to safely swap out its own tip for the bottle of alcohol. The Hat calmly nursed on the bottle until it had finally passed out, and a long string of drool was dripping off the brim.

Albus sighed. "Oh dear." He looked over at all the amused and frightened faces. He addressed the absolutely terrified unsorted first years. "Well, we still need to sort you."

"I'll do it, Headmaster!" a way too excited voice at the Head table cheered.

Another voice firmly added, "Take a seat, Albus. We got it from here."

The Headmaster looked up and saw Professor Padfoot taking the list of student names from Minerva, while Professor Prongs hurried up to them. "Welcome to Hogwarts, little people!"

"Professor Prongs," Albus frowned. "I can't just let you-"

"Relax Headmaster," Sirius grinned. "We're here to help. If there are any problems we'll sober up the Sorting Hat and force a re-sort later. But right now we've got to assign them to some house and Professor Prongsy and I volunteered to take up that responsibility ourselves."

"We'll make sure there's an even amount of all four houses." James explained and insisted childishly, "Besides, we called it first so we got dibs."

Albus looked up at all the uncertain faces among his staff and then looked at the cowering first years. Albus shrugged and complied. "Meh. Go for it." He looked back at the eleven year olds. "And if any of you students after a week of being in your new house feel horribly out of place just tell your Head of House or myself, and we'll get you re-sorted."

The students all nodded, still a bit confused.

The Headmaster went back up to his seat so that his Potions Professor could yell at him quietly. He got himself the same drink as his Deputy Headmistress, except his had a pretty pink umbrella.

Sirius grinned at all the little minds to corrupt. "Well, children, as my associate Professor Prongs already said welcome to Hogwarts! My name is Professor Padfoot."

"Like the prank collector card?" a timid little girl in pigtails asked.

Sirius and James both nodded proudly.

"Damn you're all small," James intelligently pointed out. "Alright. Who wants to go first?"

All the eleven year olds looked at each other nervously. Finally, a small brown-haired boy said, "I will, sir."

"Excellent!" Sirius grinned before making a dramatic flourish and bellowing loudly "Gryffindor!"

James nodded and clapped. "I highly agree. And that happens to be the House I'm helping out with." The Gryffindor table began slowly applauding their newest member, unsure if that really counted or not. James encouraged him. "Go on over to your house table son. Congratulations!"

"Oh wait!" Sirius asked looking at his list. "What's your name?" The young man settled himself into an empty seat and called back, "Arnold Miggle!"

"Oooh," Sirius cringed as he put a G by his name. "That would've been a bad one for Slytherin."

James nodded. "And you know if he ever gets a girlfriend she's going to get called a Miggle-lover."

There were quite a few chuckles at that, though apparently Arnold wasn't ready to hit the meat market yet, given the utter look of distaste on his face at the thought of a girlfriend. Either that or the name brought up some painful childhood memories.

"Okay," James said. "Who's next?"

"I'll go, sir." A proud blonde boy said as he walked up towards the two odd Professors.

"Well, only the first one pulls off the automatic courage vote," Sirius explained. "Have a seat on the stool. So why don't you tell us something about yourself?"

The now nervous youngster sat down. "My name is Nathaniel Webster. Umm… I love Quidditch. My parents both went to Hogwarts. Dad was a Gryffindor, mom was a Ravenclaw. I've got a little brother… and… what else do you want to know?"

James looked at Sirius. "This could take a while."

Sirius asked, "Do you like to read?"

The blonde boy considered the question and nodded slightly.

"Ravenclaw!" Sirius cheered. The Ravenclaw table caught on quickly and began applauding their newest member who hurried over to his new house.

Sirius put an R by young Mr. Webster's name. "Alright, we should speed this up. You, in the back, four eyes!"

A scared boy in glasses pointed at himself and asked, "Me?"

"Ravenclaw!"

The boy looked around nervously and just hurried over to his new house table.

Sirius asked, "Are there any purebloods here who are proud to be pureblood?"

Three hands were raised. "Slytherin! Slytherin! Sl-… err, is that red your natural hair color?"

"Yes sir," a timid voice replied.

"Gryffindor!"

James caught on and walked up to an especially scared looking girl. He pretended to punch her right in the face but stopped himself just short of making contact. She flinched violently and fell backwards.

"Hufflepuff!" James announced.

Sirius pumped his fist. "Yes! One for my house!"

James pointed to a boy in the back. "Is that hair gel in your hair?"

"Err… yeah?"

James and Sirius looked at each other and bellowed out together, "Slytherin!"

Sirius looked at the remaining scared faces. "Did anyone bring a favorite stuffed animal from home with you?"

Two girls raised their hands.

"Hufflepuff! Hufflepuff!"

"Has anyone read Hogwarts: A History?"

Two more hands went up. "Ravenclaw! Ravenclaw!"

"Anyone know the Hogwarts' motto?"

One boy seemed to jump to attention. "Never tickle a sleeping dragon, sir!"

Sirius was surprised by the authority the boy seemed to yell his answer with. "Do you want to go into Gryffindor?"

"Sure."

"Gryffindor!" Sirius happily bellowed out.

"Can anyone here shoot milk out their nose?"

When a boy happily raised his hand, Sirius pointed right at him and yelled, "Hufflepuff!"

"Is anyone here offended by our methods for sorting you?"

When a stern looking little girl raised her hand, James yelled "Ravenclaw!" at her.

"You in the back, scowling at us! Slytherin!"

They continued on whittling them down until each of the four houses had about a dozen new students, and there were only about eight left in front of the Professors. James started sniffing something in the air. "Alright… who farted?"

A wide-eyed blonde girl eeped, while the brunette girl next to her pointed and insisted, "It was Professor Padfoot!"

Sirius grinned and shrugged. "Tattle-tale! Slytherin!"

James put his hand in the air. "How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Duh… two?"

"Ravenclaw!"

Sirius raised his hand. "And how many am I holding up?"

The wide-eyed blonde eeped again and gasped. "You're not supposed to raise that finger!"

"Hufflepuff!"

"I'm telling my mom on you!"

"Gryffindor!"

"Wait till my father hears of this!"

"Slytherin!"

They were down to the last four and Sirius pointed at a slightly chubby boy. "Quick, pick a number from one to ten."

"Twenty-seven!"

Sirius blinked at his odd choice. "Gryffindor!"

James pointed at the last little girl. "Your turn. Pick a number between one and ten."

"5.5, sir."

James rolled his eyes. "Ravenclaw!"

Sirius pointed to the second to last boy. "Pick a number."

The boy was wringing his hands and nervously asked, "Do I have to pick just one?"

"Hufflepuff!"

"This is stupid," the last boy complained.

"Slytherin!" James and Sirius victoriously cheered sorting the final student. The entire hall seemed to be enjoying this year's sorting ceremony more than usual, and they all jumped up and applauded. James picked up the stool as he and Sirius went back to their seats at the Head Table.

The Headmaster stood up and addressed the excited gaggle of students completely unaware of the three toothpick umbrellas stuck in his beard. "Yes, yes thank you Professors Prongs and Padfoot for such a unique sorting experience. But before we go any further, let's get some grub in our bellies. Tuck in!" A clap of the hands and the tables were filled with foods, though remarkably less magical oregano than last year.

Sirius sat down next to Harry, and grinned at the Headmaster. "See that Albus? I think we may have pulled off one of the quickest sortings ever!"

"I must say," the Headmaster reluctantly admitted. "That I found myself agreeing with almost all of your assessments. Though I think you may have done as much for bridging the boundaries and unifying the Houses as Severus has."

"Hey!" an irritated Potions Master complained. "I'm right here you know."

Albus nodded at Professor Snape as his eyes' twinkled. "Brilliant observational skills as always, Professor."

Even Draco chuckled at Severus, and was rewarded with smack to the back of his head. Harry leaned forward and asked the Headmaster, "Does this mean we all get to smack our apprentices?"

The Headmaster nodded as Sirius leaned over and whispered, "Dammit Harry, don't you get any- OWW!" Sirius moaned clutching the back of his head that Harry had smacked.

Harry grinned. "Just practicing."

Severus leaned forward, "It is nice, isn't it?"

Harry nodded back at him. "Quite."

Sirius snarled before adopting an evil grin. "Tell me, Professor Snape. How are the bangers and mash?"

Severus had been casting magical detection charms on everything within reach of him all night and stuck his nose in the air, pointedly ignoring Professor Padfoot and enjoying his meal.

Sirius turned back to James and loudly asked, "Professor Prongs? Tell me is there any magic in elephant laxatives?"

Severus slowly swallowed the food in his mouth and set his fork down.

"Or Cyanide?"

Severus pushed his entire plate away and took a drink of water.

"How about ipecac syrup?"

Now Professor Snape was suddenly full and no longer thirsty. He'd contact house elves later when the coast was a bit clearer.

Professor Prongs smiled widely. "You know, I don't think there's anything magical in any of those. Unless of course you wanted to put something magical extra into them. But the only purpose I can imagine for that would be to make them easily detectable by magical scans. Assuming you're dealing with someone so paranoid and neurotic enough to scan everything they eat."

"It is sad how little faith in humanity some people have." Sirius said shaking his head.

James shrugged. "Some people can never let go of childhood grudges and spend their lives looking over their shoulders."

"I really pity those people." Sirius agreed. "You'd think eventually they would have to grow up."

"You would think that, wouldn't you?" James nodded. "But some of them are so beyond delusional they think the world revolves around them and they feel no need to grow up."

A silent Head of Slytherin House was beginning to purple in anger, but wasn't going to give in by acting like he noticed their loud conversation.

Of course, everyone else at the Head table had noticed. They were all snickering into their napkins and beginning to place bets on when Severus was going to explode, though truthfully many of them didn't quite understand why.

"You think maybe God punishes those sorts of people?" Sirius asked solemnly.

"Like what?" James asked. "Like by bringing back long dead enemies to torment them for their crimes against humanity?"

"Nothing quite as overt as that," Sirius retorted. "I'd think you'd have to be a pretty damn awful, horrible, rotten, wretched person if God's going that far. I was thinking more along the lines of taking away their fashion sense, their sense of humor," Sirius considered. "Maybe giving them a hook nose."

"Hey now!" Albus interrupted bending his nose tip up a bit.

"Oh excuse me Headmaster," Sirius grinned brightly. "We were merely speaking hypothetically here, no offense intended. Why you have a great sense of humor!"

"And your nose is…" James stopped. "Rather your taste in robes is…" He paused again and heartily added, "Excellent sense of humor indeed, Professor Padfoot."

Albus narrowed his eyes at the two innocent looks he was receiving from Professors Prongs and Padfoot.

As dinner was winding down, and bellies were filling up, the desserts arrived including a surprising new offering for a tasty way to finish off their meal.

"Hey! Cracker Jack!" an excited young Gryffindor yelled. "My American cousin bought me these at a baseball match! They're really good!"

"What are they?" a newly sorted first year Gryffindor boy asked.

The excited second year explained, "Popcorn inside toffee, or toffee coated popcorn. But with nuts!"

"I love nuts!" A naïve first year girl cheered.

A fourth year reached out, "Give me a box. That sounds pretty good."

"And the best part is that in every box there's a prize!"

"What kind of prize?"

"Well it varies in every box, you just have to open your box and see what you got. And just so you know, the nuts are always settled down at the bottom."

"Wow!" a first year boy cheered.

"What? What'd you get?" the girl next to him asked.

"Temporary tattoos!"

"Whoa!" the entire table said in awe.

"Hey I got… oh. Just some cheap plastic ring."

The second year chuckled. "Yeah, I've gotten that a few times."

"Sweet!" an overly excited fourth year Hufflepuff cheered.

His friends huddled around him eagerly. "What? What'd you get?"

"Check this out!" He lifted up his official certificate. "I'm a Potions Master!"

"No way!"

"I want one!"

"Hey, I'm a Potions Master too!"

"Yeah, me too!"

"Think this means we can get out of cooking class?"

Severus took careful note of the young man who said that last remark.

Professor Prongs was munching on the toffee-coated popcorn. "I know Professor Malfoy is working on his the hard way, but how did you get your mastery Professor Snape?"

Severus hissed back angrily. "This isn't over, Po-ahhhhuuugh. Prongs."

"It really is that easy?" Draco pouted at his Master. "That's so unfair! I've wasted two bloody years now and I-" A quick smack to the back of the head assured Draco it wasn't quite that easy.

Professor Dumbledore stood up. "May I have your attention for a moment please? I have a few announcements and introductions to make. Professor Snape has been all smiles about having an apprentice assist him in his duties and classroom," Albus explained ignoring the titters from the crowd and harsh scowling from his 'all smiles' professor. "As such, this year, all four Heads of Houses have taken on apprentices to assist them this year. Under Professor McGonagall and within the Gryffindor House, you have already witnessed the sorting skills of Professor Prongs. With Ravenclaw, apprenticing to Professor Flitwick will be Professor Bessie. And joining the Hufflepuff House under Professor Potter will be his apprentice Professor Padfoot. I trust you will make them all feel welcome.

"Miss Tonks has made no additions to the list of restricted items as apparently, and I quote, 'You're going to need all the help you can get this year.' The Forbidden Forest for the first time will not be off-limits as per usual. Instead it will be serving as a suicide booth for those students unable to cope-"

"Albus!" Minerva scolded. "Stop it! We were not serious when we voted on that!" She quickly turned to her colleague and hissed, "And Professor Padfoot, shut the hell up!"

"Whoops," Albus blushed. "Excuse me. The Forbidden Forest is in fact still forbidden hence the same old name." Albus sighed disappointed. "Prefects please lead the students back to your common rooms and welcome to another memorable year at Hogwarts."

Severus hurried out of the Great Hall, refusing to allow himself to be mocked any further by those freakish zombies.

Sirius looked at James. "Did you see his face when that kid wouldn't trade a temporary tattoo for a Potions Mastery?"

James grinned brightly back. "I especially liked it when he gave him a plastic ring instead and told him he could keep the Potions Mastery. I believe the fine upstanding young man's words were 'I need a real job not rubbish.'"

Sirius grinned at his godson. "You've been teaching them well, Harry."

"Cracker Jack?" Harry asked. "You actually got cases of that stuff together and made fake prizes?"

Sirius looked at James and back at Harry. "Err… that wasn't you?"

Harry shook his head at the confused looks at the two men's faces.

Lily leaned forward towards her co-workers with a wicked smile. "Miss Bessie must earn her spots."

James hungrily looked over at his wife. "God you're sexy!"

"Emotionally damaging, attacking the pride without anything physically harmful or dangerous," Harry assessed. "Excellent choice Miss Bessie. Mr. Omega highly approves."

She proudly curtsied and pointed out, "I doubt these two knuckleheads could come up with something so muggle and I knew if it failed I was just giving the kids an option for dessert." She gave her husband a chaste kiss. "And now if you'll excuse, Filius is going to introduce me to my Ravenclaws."

James grinned. "I doubt Minnie will be doing anything so formal, so I think I'll check out the old common room and find us some young pranksters."

Harry smiled at his godfather. "Are you ready to meet our little puffers?"

Sirius nodded and the pair made their way into the bustling common room. Harry entered the room and saw they were all hanging out waiting on him. "Welcome back, puffers!"

"Greetings, poofters!" Sirius happily chimed.

"Puffers, Padfoot, puffers." Harry corrected with a frown.

A smiling fourth year jumped in, "Well actually, I-"

"Not right now, Herman," Harry interrupted. "Maybe later." He turned towards the rest of the House. "I wanted you all to meet, my apprentice, Professor Padfoot," Harry introduced. "Professor Padfoot, this is the Hufflepuff common room and all the current members of Hufflepuff."

"Sweet!" Sirius cheered. "Padded walls!" Before Harry could stop him, Sirius ran full tilt right into the nearest wall and knocked himself backwards.

The entire house was laughing at the enthusiastic new Professor. Sirius was rubbing his head as apparently the experience was not as pleasant as he was expecting. "Oww…"

"Yeah," Harry rolled his eyes. "I think maybe you should-"

"You're right!" Sirius replied. "I'm going to get my helmet."

"Wait!" Harry stopped him. "I was actually going to suggest you should avoid running full speed in the wall."

Sirius looked over at the Hufflepuffs and back to his godson. "Well… where's the fun in that?"

"That's what I'm saying!" Herman forcefully agreed.

Harry shook his head. "Maybe later then, Professor Padfoot," Harry said putting extra emphasis on the word that indicated a mature role model and voice of reason.

"Alright," Sirius reluctantly agreed. He looked over at the students. "So how you guys all doing?"

"Great!" they seemed to cheer back in unison.

"You like having Professor Potter here as your head of house?"

"Yeah!" they excitedly agreed.

"How's your Quidditch team?"

This time only seventh year Darren Cobb excitedly yelled back, "We suck!"

"Well at least you're honest about it," Sirius cheerfully pointed out. "My name is Professor Padfoot, but you all can just call me Padfoot or Paddy if you like."

"Is that like Potty?" a second year girl asked.

Sirius looked over at Harry for help.

Harry smiled and shook his head. "No, not like Potty. It's just another nickname for my miscreant apprentice. But I wanted you all to get to know him, as Paddy here may not act like it, but he is an adult, and you can come to him with any problems or ask him anything you like."

Sirius grinned and nodded. "Anything you want to know?"

A sixth year boy stood up. "How'd you get to be Professor Potter's apprentice? Because I mean, you're like… older than him."

"Well," Sirius began. "I suppose the main reason would be the Headmaster got really drunk and thought it would be a good idea."

Harry nodded at the inquiring looks sent his way.

"It's also because I, Professor Prongs, and Professor Bessie are all close personal friends of the young Mr. Potter here." Sirius elaborated. "And he wouldn't trust us alone in one of his homes, so we all took the jobs apprenticing here."

"Why does Professor Prongs look so much like Professor Potter?" A young girl asked.

Sirius looked at Harry. "Err… Harry? You want to field this one?"

Harry looked at all the confused faces and explained. "Well, I'm not entirely sure, but I would guess it's mainly because Professor Bessie is another of those fangirls like totally, completely obsessed and in love with me," Harry calmly continued ignoring Sirius' loud snort. "And you see, Professor Prongs and Professor Bessie are married, so I bet she's forcing him to try and copy me."

"Really?" the girl asked.

Harry shook his head. "No, not really, but let's go with that for now."

"Are they really married?" Darren Cobb asked. "Because she's super hot."

Sirius just snickered and stated. "Yes, they are really married. But even if they weren't, she'd probably be all over Professor Potter's taut young body anyway."

Several boys groaned sadly, while Harry just snapped at angry glare at his godfather. "Alright, puffers, I think that's enough Professor Padfoot for tonight. You can always call for me or Dobby, or additionally Professor Padfoot now. G'night!" Harry grabbed his apprentice by the ear and dragged him out of the common room before he could say anything too psychologically damaging.

As soon as they were out of the room, Harry let go of Padfoot's ear and smacked him on the back of the head for good measure. Any further scolding was halted when Harry saw waiting there in the hallway, an angry glare he was really hoping to avoid.

Harry gulped loudly. "Hi Fawkes."