Chapter Nineteen
Two months had passed and Sydney had resigned from her position at the CIA. She had been living with Julian in France at his home since they had returned from the hospital. The life she was living right now was a happy one; a normal one. Finally after so many years of fighting, she had won her normal life. Julian made her happy.
Two months ago, Julian confessed his love for her, and she still had not yet returned the gesture. Oh, what she felt for him was definitely love; but for some reason, she could not say it out loud yet. She wasn't ready.
Sydney was actually looking for a new job as an English teacher in one of the local schools; she was surprised that the children spoke English so well. For a month, she had been substituting for a teacher who had gone on maternity leave. She loved the kids. Every day she would come into the classroom and see her students sitting at their desks with attentive looks on their faces; eager to learn something new. It made her look forward to the future.
Children. Sydney had thought about having her own children for many years. The first time she had thought about it was when she had been with Noah. Her dream went down the drain that time. Then with Danny, and finally with Vaughn. She had always thought that Vaughn was her soul mate, but she now knew she had been mistaken. Julian Lazarey had proven to her that he was her soul mate.
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Sydney woke up because of a feeling in her stomach. She turned on her side and saw Julian sleeping peacefully next to her. The feeling in her stomach returned and she bolted out of bed and ran into the bathroom, emptying the contents of her stomach.
Sadly, this wasn't the first time this had happened. It had been happening almost every morning for the last three weeks. Thankfully, Julian had not noticed yet, but she was concerned. For some reason Julian hadn't seen much of her because she was sleeping a lot more than usual.
Something about this morning was different though; Julian woke up when she had closed the bathroom door a little more forcefully than she had thought. "Love, what's wrong?" he asked when he saw her hunched over the toilet seat.
"Just not feeling too good today," she croaked out. Julian came up behind her and began to rub her back soothingly.
"Are you going to be alright?" he asked. "I can go get you something for your stomach."
Sydney nodded and sat against the bathtub. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so tired. I've been sleeping so much. I don't know how you haven't noticed," she said when he came back into the room with a can of ginger ale. Sydney opened it and took a sip before putting it down.
Julian sat down beside her and wrapped his arm around her back, holding her against him. "I'm sure you'll be fine Syd. It's probably just the flu or something," he said.
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The next week Sydney woke up to the smell of bacon all through the house. The second it permeated her nose, she bolted out of bed and ran to the bathroom, vomiting anything that remained in her stomach.
Sark, being in the kitchen a few doors down heard a door open and another shut loudly. It worried him that this continued happening. This had been the third time this week that this had happened. He was worried about her, but every time he tried talking to her about it, she brushed it off saying it was just a bug.
He walked to the bathroom to see her head hung over the toilet. He walked over to her and brushed her hair out of her face, holding it back. He rubbed her back soothingly and whispered sweet nothings into her ear.
A few minutes later, they headed back to the kitchen. "Syd," he said, kissing her forehead, "I'm going to take you into town to see a doctor today. This isn't just a stomach bug. It's more serious than that, I can see."
"It's nothing Julian. I'm fine. I don't need to see a doctor."
"Please Sydney, just humour me."
"Why are you so concerned anyway? Nothing's wrong with me. It's nothing."
"I'm concerned about you because I love you. I just want to make sure that everything's alright with you. I'm sure it's nothing serious, but I just want to get it checked out."
"I don't understand why you would love me."
"You mean everything to me Sydney, I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Well," she smiled, "in that case, I'll humour you. I'll see the doctor tomorrow. Maybe today if you want" she paused, contemplating possibilities. "Well, you realize that there could be another thing that's going on with you right?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm late" at his questioning look she continued, "my period. It's late. There's a chance that I'm pregnant" she was glowing at this point.
"Pregnant?" his face was blank. "Syd, you might be pregnant?" he frowned.
Sydney looked down to the floor, her face falling, "Yeah, well, it's a slim chance though. It's not likely" she turned away and started to walk to the bathroom, "I'm going to go have a shower."
"Syd!" he called after her. Running up and grabbing her arm. "Syd? Please. I'm sorry. I just didn't expect that. I didn't even consider it."
There were now tears in her eyes. "Please don't cry love. Please don't cry. I'm so happy," his face was glowing with happiness and pride, "Do you really think you might be pregnant? Because if you are, then I'll be the happiest man alive."
Her tears stopped at his revelation. She smiled a brilliant smile that lit up the room and laughed when his hands went to her stomach. "Really?"
"Yes, really. And you'll be the greatest mother of all time Syd, I know it."
"You'll be an amazing father. You really will Julian."
"I'm not so sure of that yet. We'll see."
"I know you will Julian. I know you."
"Well, do you think you're up for a doctor's visit today?"
"Yes, I want to go. Would you be ready to go now?"
"I'll be ready any time Syd. Anything for you."
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One Hour Later – The doctor's office
"Miss Bristow, how are you feeling?" she asked.
"Well," she sighed, "in the past seven days I've thrown up three times in the mornings. Y boyfriend out there is paranoid and wants to make sure that I'm alright. I've missed my period this month, so I think I might be pregnant."
"Well, I can take a blood sample and see if everything's alright. But there isn't much else I can do for you right now. If the vomiting continues through the next week, I'd like you to come in again" she took a needle and too a sample of Sydney's blood. "If you are pregnant, do you think he will be happy about it?"
"Yeah, he will be."
"Well that's nice to hear" Sydney suddenly winced, her hand reaching down to her stomach.
"Sydney? Are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just feeling a little sick."
"Are you sure? Sydney, please lie down for a few minutes. I'll get your friend from the waiting room. If you'd like, I can get this sample analyzed for you within the hour."
"That would be great."
A few moments later, Sark rushed into the room. "Sydney, love, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, just feeling a little sick again. Would you mind waiting around for about an hour with me? Until we get the results from my blood test?"
"Of course, love. Of course."
He sat down next to her on the exam table, taking her into his arms while they waited for the results.
Forty-five minutes later
The doctor re-entered the room to see Sydney lying on the table with her legs in Sark's lap. "Sydney? Would I be able to talk to you alone please?"
"Sure," Sark said, moving her legs off of him, sliding off the table. He kissed Sydney lightly on the lips, "I'll be in the waiting room."
"Alright."
Once they were once again alone, the doctor began.
"Sydney, you're not pregnant."
"Oh," she looked down at her feet, dangling off the side of the table, "then what's going on with me."
"Miss Bristow, we found something in your blood. We have to run further tests to confirm, but you might have cancer."
"Wh – what? How… what… what?"
"Miss Bristow, I need you to listen to me. We are going to keep you over night to do further tests. We found the cancer cells in you're the blood sample, and we need to see how advanced the cancer might be. We need to see what treatments might be able to help you."
"How could this happen?"
"We don't have an answer to that. Do you know of anyone in your family history that has been affected by any form of cancer?"
"No! I don't think so."
"Well, would you mind if we kept you overnight to run the tests, or would you like to come back tomorrow."
"I'll stay tonight. But I just need to talk to Julian… the man with me before it happens, is that alright?"
"Yes, of course. When you're ready, just come in and we'll do the tests" she looked down at her file once again, "I'm sorry Sydney."
Sydney nodded and left the room silently. Once she entered the waiting room, Julian saw her and stood, closing the distance between them. "Sydney, are you alright? You look pale."
"I'm fine. Julian, I'm not pregnant."
"Syd, that's alright. It was just our thoughts getting ahead of us." Sark held out his arms to her, and enveloped her in his arms. "Syd, the doctor, did she say what's going on?"
"No," she lied, "I'm staying overnight for further testing."
"Do you want me to stay with you?"
"No, it's alright. I'll be fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, Julian, I'll be fine."
"Alright. Will you call me when you are ready? I'll pick you up when you're ready tomorrow."
"OK."
"I love you" he whispered, placing a kiss on her forehead.
"I know" she said back, not ready to say those words to him. "I'll see you tomorrow alright?"
"Of course."
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The next morning - After the tests have been run
The doctor enters the room, she looks at a file and frowns. "Sydney, Miss Bristow, I've got some bad news. The cancer is more advanced than we originally had thought. I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem like any treatments that have been developed can help you."
Sydney had tears running down her face, she was shaking with silent sobs. She tried to wipe them away with her hand, but it wasn't working. She couldn't move. She was frozen. "Am I dying?" she managed to croak out.
"I'm sorry Miss Bristow, but it doesn't seem as if there is anything we can do. If you'd like, we can try chemotherapy, but it's not likely that it will work. We could also try radiation therapy, but in reality there's almost no chance of anything helping" the doctor paused, looked down at Sydney's hands, and looked her in the eyes again, "would you like me to call that man who came with you yesterday? Julian?"
"I should do that. Can you please bring me a phone?"
"Yes, of course."
Moments later, Sydney was listening to Julian answer the phone. "Julian?"
"Sydney! I've been waiting for your call."
"I'm ready to come back now. Could you please come for me?"
"Of course, I'll be there soon love. I'll be there soon."
"Thank you" she placed the phone back in its cradle, "he's on his way."
"I'll leave you to get your things ready," she said, turning to leave the room, "Miss Bristow, it would be better for you if you decided whether or not to try the therapies sooner rather than later. That way, there's a better chance that we could fix this."
"Thank you doctor."
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Just over an hour later, and a very uncomfortable and quiet car ride, we are back at his home. I haven't told him anything yet, and I'm not sure I will. I need time to think everything over, and that's what I did for the entire ride. I'm not going to tell him. He can't know. I know that it will kill him to know that I am dying and he can't do anything to save me. He can't help me.
I am going to do the only thing that I can think of to stop him. It will break his heart, but it will be better than him watching me die. I can't let him go through that. I can't let him see that, because I love him. I can't tell him that, because he won't let me go, but that's what he needs to do. Those words will hang in the air between us while I break his heart in two.
Once we get inside the house, I silently go to the bedroom and sit on the edge of the bed. He goes to the kitchen and gets two glasses of water, and then enters the bedroom. He can feel the tension in the room. It's as if he knows what's about to happen.
"Julian, this isn't working."
"I know Sydney. But all you have to do is talk to me. Tell me what happened today. Please tell me what you found out."
"Julian, that's not what I meant. I meant that I'm leaving. I care about you, but I don't love you, I never can," I lie. It breaks my heart to see his face. I can see his heart shatter. I thought it would break in half, but it shatters into a million pieces. He has tears in his eyes, and he drops the glass of water in his hand. "I will never get past the things that you have done in your life. But since I care about you, I'm going to leave. I'm going to let you move on, forget about me. I'm not going to lead you on, and give you false hope that some day I might feel the same way about you."
"Sydney please. Don't do this" he pleads, and it almost breaks me.
"I'm sorry" I whisper when I see a single tear fall across his cheek. I stand and leave the room silently. Leaving a broken man behind me. I feel as if I'm about to break down, but I can't allow for that to happen. Not yet.
Once I leave the house, I get on the first plane to Los Angeles. Once I finally arrive at Michael Vaughn's apartment, and I see him for the first time in over three months, I finally allow myself to break down.
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