Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

"Someone say my name?" A grinning Nicholas Flamel appeared.

"Nicholas!" Sirius cheered. "You're timing is impeccable as always."

"How does he do that?" James asked with a smug grin. "With that all-seeing eye, Harry, you don't stand a chance!"

Hermione began coughing violently while Draco and Severus utilized all of their Slytherin guile to remain stoic and unmoving. Albus clenched his eyes shut out of fear the twinkling may have blinded members of his staff. Harry began patting Hermione on the back. "You okay there, Hermione?"

She just looked at Harry in complete disbelief and tried to compose herself.

"How are you doing, shugah britches?" Nicholas said as he kissed his girlfriend on the cheek. "Need some water?"

Hermione shook her head. "No. No, I'm fine… just a tickle in my throat."

"Careful now, Nicholas," James warned with a bright smile. "You're fraternizing with the enemy over there."

"Oh? Albus finally bringing back the staff room mud wrestling?" Nicholas grinned brightly and was turning his head around looking for the pit.

Sirius blinked. "That's a brilliant idea."

"Err… no," Remus said briefly imagining tiny Professor Flitwick suplex-slamming Hagrid into a massive pile of sludge. He shook his head to lose the image. "No. Professor Prongs here has challenged Professor Potter to something akin to a prank war."

"Ahhh, okay." Nicholas grinned. "So who else is on our team?"

James grinned and announced. "So far it's me, Professor Padfoot, Remus, the Weasley twins, Ginny, Professor Bessie, and you against Harry, Albus, your girlfriend, Severus, Draco, Tonks, and Dobby."

"This thing's an all out rumble, isn't it?" Nicholas asked with a raised eyebrow.

James grinned brightly. "I think you were our final draft pick, but we're reserving the right to add some free agents that are available."

"How 'bout it, Potter?" Sirius grinned challenging at his godson. "You have a final pick? Or are you just going to let those misfits with you, be the only ones subject to share in your embarrassment?"

Harry sat there thinking deeply, and was tapping his chin. "Not sure if he'll get involved, but I'll use my last pick on Bob."

"Ooooh," Sirius realized. "Maybe we should take dibs on Griphook."

Nicholas shook his head. "Don't bother. We won't get any outright assistance from the goblins going up against Boy Wonder."

"Nuts." James frowned.

Harry rolled his eyes. "If you feel you need even more help, I'll promise not to get any ideas, resources, or advice from any of my goblin friends."

James shook his head. "From where I'm standing, you're the one who needs more help, so by all means-"

Nicholas interrupted, "Err, Professor Prongs? I'd suggest we take advantage of that offer. No help from the goblins for him."

James shrugged and nodded. "If you say so."

"I do," Nicholas nodded and added mysteriously, "He's got enough hidden allies as it is."

Harry smiled and turned to his team. "Alright guys. Let's begin plotting these insufferable simpleton's demise." Harry turned to his father and looked entirely too innocent as he mockingly waved goodbye. Without any further motion, the ground beneath Harry, Albus, Hermione, Tonks, Draco, Severus, and Dobby sucked them up and they disappeared from the staff room without a sound.

Remus gulped at their overly dramatic exit. "Why do I suddenly feel like you've woken a sleeping giant?"

Nicholas sighed. "Let's hope he doesn't get any of those to help him."

"Oh come on guys," James pleaded. "We can take these jokers easy."

"Hah!" Minerva laughed loudly as she left the staff room.

"You busy Nicholas?" Sirius asked.

Nicholas shrugged. "Considering the ground just swallowed my girlfriend, my schedule has suddenly cleared up."

"Great!" Sirius cheered. "Then you can track down Ginny for us, while Remus informs the twins, and how about we meet up tonight around 8 to nail down a plan of attack?"

"Works for me," Nicholas nodded. "I'll catch up with you lovely ladies later." Nicholas grinned. "You too, Professor Bessie."

Draco saw they reappeared in an empty room that he didn't recognize. "I must humbly beg your forgiveness, but… bwahahahahaha."

Albus, Hermione, Tonks, and even Severus quickly joined the young Malfoy in letting out all that laughter they had been holding in. Dobby wasn't laughing but the smile on his face would have scared the Dark Lord.

"Oh Merlin Potter," Draco chuckled. "That may have been just about the most devious thing I've ever seen you do. And that's saying something."

Harry was grinning brightly. "I must admit that it did work out quite well, don't you think?"

Severus' eyes were actually full of mirth. "You have got to let me get one over on your ruddy zombie parents."

Harry nodded. "I think that could be arranged."

Albus was shaking his head. "Oh heavens Harry, I nearly squeaked out loud when Prongs picked Nicholas Flamel."

"Yes," Harry admitted proudly. "It was almost as satisfying as when Nicholas was chosen by the Order to lead the manhunt for Harry Potter."

Albus suddenly didn't find it quite so funny.

Draco snickered loudly and pointed at the Headmaster.

"Oh shush, Death Eater," Albus pouted.

Hermione looked at Harry appraisingly. "So does this mean we'll get fair notice of all their pranks, so we can prepare and react accordingly?"

Harry shrugged. "We'll have to see. Like any good spy though, he's going to have to successfully prank you all at least a few times. But something tells me that we'll probably end up getting them a bit more than they get us."

"Who else even knows that you're Nicholas Flamel?" Hermione asked.

Harry shook his head. "All the wizards who know are in this room."

"Where are we anyway?" Severus asked looked around the musty room. "It feels very… homey."

Harry laughed. "Merlin you're a dork. We're in what used to be the advanced Potions laboratory. Your office connects to that door," Harry said pointing to his left. "And your main classroom is through there."

"You stole my room!" Severus whined.

Harry rolled his eyes. "And you were teaching over there before I knew magic was even real."

"Oh… right," a mollified Severus remembered. "So how'd you find it?"

Hermione smiled. "Hogwarts?"

Harry nodded. "Yup. I went ahead and laid claim to a half dozen forgotten rooms. I figured this would be the best place to meet up, considering before me I think it was a teacher in the fourteenth century who died taking the secret of the advanced lab with her."

"Can we get back here?" Draco asked, checking out the possibility of setting up some potion brewing work stations.

Harry nodded. "Now that you know it's here, you'll be able to see the doors from your office or classroom."

"Fidelius?" Albus asked curiously.

Harry shook his head. "I don't think so. Don't exactly recognize it to be honest, but it's possible it's some early derivation of the Fidelius considering its age."

Tonks seemed to bouncing. "So are we going to plan some massive totally evil vindictive prank or what?"

Harry grinned. "I'm open to any ideas, but I think it might be more fun if we stay somewhat reactionary to my dad's failed pranks. Maybe stealing an idea or two from them. And implementing those pranks on them before they get a chance to on us. As well as passively countering anything they do and acting like we don't notice it. I think that'll infuriate them even more."

Tonks frowned. "Oh fine."

"Hey now," Harry retorted. "If you have any ideas, we're definitely open to them, and we've got an inside man. You know, actually, I think I may want to borrow you and Draco this evening, just to keep them on their toes."

Draco grinned happily in a move entirely unbecoming of a Slytherin. Severus noticed and smacked him on the back of the head.

"Anyways," Harry said. "Why don't we play it by ear for now?"

They all agreed and nodded.

"And if you don't mind, I would like a private word with Albus. Though for now, let's consider this our home base. If we have anything particularly destructive we need to practice we can use the Chamber of Secrets, but that's not exactly as convenient to reach."

Hermione, Draco, Severus, and Tonks all agreed, leaving Harry, Albus, and Dobby alone.

"Master?" Dobby asked. "Would you like me to leave?"

Harry grinned at his apprentice. "I know you're just going to be spying on us anyways, so I guess it's up to Albus."

Albus rolled his eyes. "What is it you wanted to talk to me about?"

Harry looked at the Headmaster condescendingly. He waited a while just watching the old man. After staring him down sufficiently, he looked him in the eyes. "I must ask you, Albus, whether there is anything you'd like to tell me," Harry's eyes were set to mild twinkle. "Anything at all?"

"No." The Headmaster dropped his gaze and looked away. "There isn't anything, Professor…"

Harry snickered. "Right… so I take it, I'm going to be getting the full blame for the Gryffindor Guide and the Slytherin Manifesto?"

The Headmaster had the decency to blush and look back at Harry.

"Relax, old man," Harry smiled. "I was wondering if you needed help with Ravenclaw's and Hufflepuff's."

Albus nodded eagerly. "Certainly. Just those two were a lot more work than I was expecting. Goodness."

Harry shook his head. "You know, I don't think anyone even suspected you'd patched those together."

"How'd you figure out it was me?" Albus asked.

Harry snickered. "When did you come up with the idea for these?"

"Oh, well, The Slytherin Manifesto was something I'd started to piece together years ago after getting sufficiently intoxicated… with…" Albus' shoulders slumped. "Nicholas."

Harry shook his head in embarrassment for the old man.

Albus chuckled at the situation. "I was just going to do that one, but then I thought that'd be too mean to do just the Slytherins, so I figured I'd have a go at all four houses. It just took a lot longer than I expected."

Harry nodded and laughed. "Well you definitely get points for presentation. They did look marvelous. The smiling cross-eyed lion with a helmet just about killed me. I'll come by your office later tonight and help you finish the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw guides."

Albus grinned. "How about I'll take care of Ravenclaw's and you can do your Hufflepuff's? This way we can discover each other's when the rest of the staff does."

Harry readily agreed as his plan for a guide began forming.

Professor Prongs had just finished with his last Transfiguration class of the day, and his mind was already thinking ahead to their official Marauder Prank Team meeting. He wasn't watching where he was going and nearly bowled over his wife.

"Whoa!" James claimed. "Sorry about that, honey. I didn't even see you there. You ready for our meeting tonight?"

Lily winced a bit and sighed. "Err… right. The meeting. Listen, sweetie… umm."

"Something the matter?" James asked.

Lily chewed on her bottom lip. "I've been thinking… some…" She paused unsure how to approach the subject.

"Careful there, 'thinking' can be very dangerous," James said with a grin.

Lily seemed to huff. "Oh never mind. I'll just… catch up with you later."

"Wait!" James asked worriedly. "What's going on? What did you want to talk about?"

Lily looked up at her husband hopefully. "I don't really know how to say this…"

"You could start at the beginning," James pompously said, doing his best Albus impersonation.

"Right," Lily said, building up her confidence. "Okay. I guess it's… well… you remember when we said 'till death do us part?'"

James smile faltered, having never really considered the meaning of those particular words.

"Because, I mean," Lily shrugged. "We died. And it parted us. You know?" She seemed to be rambling and was ignoring her husband's shattered look. "I know I died trying to save my son, I mean our son. But there was a good, I don't know, thirty seconds there at least where I was a widow. And while it's true I wasn't ever asked out in that time, I legitimately could have been, as our marriage had by law ended."

"What are you saying?" James asked looking like a kicked puppy.

Lily raised her hands to stop him before uncertainly crossing her arms and tucking her body closer together. "I'm not saying you've ever been a bad husband or that I ever even considered cheating on you. It's just… we've got a fresh start here, and I don't think we should just automatically assume that going back to being married is for the best, that's all."

"What?" James' lip was trembling. "Why?"

"It's not like you and I don't have a chance or anything," Lily assured him. She smiled lightly. "I would like to continue seeing you still, just not as exclusively as marriage. I guess, I'm hoping to… you know, play the field a bit first."

James didn't know how to respond to that.

"When you were talking about which heir of Slytherin I had slept with," Lily paused and made a show of looking away. "It made me realize I hadn't ever slept with a Slytherin, you know?"

"Snivellus!"

"No, great Merlin, no." Lily said aghast. "But…" She turned to the empty air next to her. "Go ahead. He's not going to hurt us."

And there, pulling off an invisibility cloak was Draco Malfoy.

Draco smiled weakly as he carefully folded his cloak. "No hard feelings? Right, Professor Prongs?"

James was just itching to deck the slimy bastard.

"Stop!" Lily ordered, seeing the anger in his eyes. "You don't know him! He is not his father. You've only ever known Lucius! Draco is a good man." Lily blushed a little. "And… and he's my silver serpent."

Inwardly Draco forced down his gag reflex at that line. Outwardly he smirked at Lily, who was leaning in close to him. Draco looked up at James with a confident smile. "Actually, you know, Professor Prongs. I'd love it for you to join us."

Lily's hungry eyes looked up at Draco. She huskily breathed out, "Really?"

Draco looked James up and down. He nodded with a lecherous grin. "Oh yeah. Definitely. Do you mind if I call you Harry?"

This was apparently James breaking point, as he could take it no longer and sprinted away from the freakish pair screaming bloody murder. He turned the corner and stopped suddenly to see another Lily with her legs wrapped around Draco. The blond was holding her up with his hands squeezing her arse. Lily looked over her shoulder with a sultry smile. "How 'bout it, sweetie?" She asked him.

James jaw just dropped and he spun around to run the other way only to find himself trapped in by another Lily and Draco. He yelped like a girl and whipped his head back and forth, trapped between two Dracos and two copies of his wife.

He drew his wand and was about to start cursing his way out, when the first Lily who had snuck up behind him morphed into the familiar face of his own son.

"Prongs, Prongs, Prongs." Harry sighed and shook his head. "Don't make this too easy on me, old man."

James turned around saw the other Lily morph into Tonks.

Harry turned to the Draco next to him, and patted him softly on the head. "Thank you Tibbles." A blink of Harry's eyes and that first Draco disappeared. James spotted a tattoo appear and start moving around on the other Draco's previously unblemished skin.

Tonks and the real Draco were grinning brightly and shaking their heads. She made a sad, pouting face at James. "Tsk, tsk. And I thought you called yourself a Marauder."

"God dammit, Meg," James swore as he clutched his chest and chuckled weakly. "That was really mean."

Harry shrugged his shoulders and nodded in agreement. "Just wait till we start using things beyond our innate magic."

Tonks quickly morphed in Sirius' appearance. "We could be anyone, anywhere."

James looked back at his son, only to see a familiar scarred auror friend.

"Constant Vigilance!" The Mad-Eye Moody clone roared.

Unprepared for the yelling in his ear, another feminine yip escaped his lips. James just stomped his feet angrily, shaking his head, and walked away mumbling about 'lucky metamorphic freaks.'

Harry, Draco, and Tonks were laughing at his frustrated muttering. Harry called out as he left, "Thanks for the tip on the meeting tonight."

"Of course sweetie," Lily smiled warmly. "I'd be more than happy to renew our vows. But what brought this on? It's only been about three years."

James kissed his wife. "No reason. I just love you."

"I love you too, honey," Lily embraced him. "And I don't believe you for a second."

"Fine," James grumbled. "I just realized we weren't exactly married still, and I didn't want to freak out every time I see you making out with Malfoy, okay?"

"Eww," she exclaimed. "What? And ewww!"

James reluctantly recounted his experience after his last class of the day to his wife's immense amusement. James pouted. "Hmmph. Maybe I should try playing the field some."

Lily shrugged. "Were you not even just a little bit tempted by Draco's offer?"

James face scrunched up in disgust. "Fine. Let's get married again. Or stay married. Or whatever."

Lily kissed her husband on the nose and led the way towards their meeting. "Silver serpent. Honestly. I don't know how you could have taken that seriously."

"Nicholas!" James cheered happily.

"Prongs!" Nicholas cheered back.

"You know an easy way to verify all the right people are in this meeting?"

Nicholas grinned widely. "Harry got you already, didn't he?"

James frowned and narrowed his eyes. "You can start by proving you are who you say you are."

Nicholas grinned, and thought back to how lucky all the Nicholas Flamels through history have been. Since he never existed as a person in the first place, the name is actually just a label, and whoever is the current one can always be identified that way. Nicholas lifted his wand. "I swear on my magic I am Nicholas Flamel."

James' eyebrows rose. That seemed a bit melodramatic but certainly proved he was who he said he was.

Nicholas was smiling, "And I know a thing or two about Legilimency, so just have everyone else state their name and I can tell if they're lying."

"Prongs?" James asked pointing at himself.

Nicholas nodded. "Close enough."

As the rest of the people filed into the unused classroom, Nicholas verified they were all who they said they were. And they all took seats around an old stone round table.

"Alright now," Fred said. "What's going on?"

George added. "Moony wouldn't tell us, but he's been acting a bit giggly."

"Fred, George, Ginny," James addressed. "You three have been selected to my team in a prank war."

"Sweet!" Fred and George cheered.

"Against Harry and his team," James clarified.

"Crap!" Fred and George cheered in the exact same excited voice.

Ginny smiled but was groaning.

"Why's everyone so scared of him? Everything I've heard says that the five of us," he pointed to the twins, Moony, Padfoot, and himself, "have tons more pranking experience, knowledge, and skill."

Fred and George exchanged a look. "Yeah… probably," Fred said.

"But he's Harry," George explained.

"What do you mean?" Lily asked.

George looked towards Moony for a little help. "Err… how much have you guys heard about Harry's life so far?"

"Most of it," James replied. "I'm pretty sure. Covered his school years, and many of the battles."

"Okay, good," Fred nodded. "So you know, that despite having about a billion extra magical gifts or talents, Harry was still no match for the Dark Lord."

James looked towards Sirius. "Err… okay?"

Nicholas nodded. "Tom was more powerful, had years more experience, had truly perfected his craft, and could literally duel anyone into submission."

"Except Harry," Ginny stated.

"Right," Sirius slowly nodded.

Fred shook his head, as it appeared they still didn't get it. "It wasn't because Harry was a better dueler, though by now, I'm pretty sure he's probably the best in the world. It was because he's Harry."

George nodded solemnly. "You could strip all away his silly titles, his odd talents, his superfluous power, and he still would have won."

Fred and George shrugged together and in unison explained it. "He doesn't lose. Ever."

Ginny nodded. "He's an idiot sometimes. He'll falter. You can trick him occasionally, though since his little running away escapade that's become a lot harder," Ginny was scratching her head trying to think of the last time someone got a good one over on Harry. "But when it comes to simply winning or losing, he doesn't lose."

"We're still going to prank his pants off," Fred smiled.

George interrupted, "Hey, that's a good idea right there."

Fred agreed and nodded. "Just enjoy the battles and don't place too much emphasis on the overall outcome of the war."

James and Sirius looked to Nicholas for help.

Nicholas smiled weakly. "He's not invincible or unbeatable. He's just got more advantages on us than I expect we even realize." Nicholas was scratching his head. "It's like a pitting an 800 pound gorilla against a bunny rabbit and then telling them to fight fair."

And then, shocking everyone present not named Nicholas Flamel, Harry's head sprouted out from the middle of the table. "Oi! I'm not a gorilla! And you keep fattening me up, old man!" Everyone jumped back at the head appearing in the middle of the table. Especially Sirius, whose entire chair fell backwards.

Harry noticed a thin film separating him from the others in the room. He began pushing on it with his hand, and he was stretching it away from his face. "Nicky!" Harry scolded with a smile. "Using Dark Arts privacy wards too!"

Nicholas smiled and shrugged. "I see they haven't done a whole heck of a lot. Though at least now I know what you look like with pantyhose on your face."

"Just don't tell anyone in Shetland County, please." Harry mumbled with a slightly worried look. He was holding the odd magical film away from his face. "Yes well, I can't help it if I happened to have been informed there was a meeting and I happen to accidentally be using my bonded sweetie to listen in, now can I?"

"Bonded?" Lily asked.

Nicholas looked at the rest of the team. "We may want to have our meetings away from Hogwarts. It appears she likes him too much."

"That's right," Harry smiled smugly. "I… ohh… what! No…" And just like that Harry's head was sucked back into the stone and he disappeared.

Nicholas was looking up and listening. "Or not."

"Huh?" James asked.

Nicholas smiled brightly. "It appears Hogwarts is well aware of our prank war, and is greatly looking forward to seeing both of our teams humiliate each other." Nicholas nodded and looked at his teammate's faces. "I'm pretty sure she'll keep our secrets as long as they lead to mischief."

Sirius grinned. "Lovely. I think we can handle that."

Nicholas nodded. "But since we can, it may still be a better idea to just meet up at your guys' shop," Nicholas nodded towards the twins, "for future meetings."

Fred and George nodded. "Makes our commute easier. But then that makes our presence a pretty strong indicator of a prank on the way."

Ginny snickered. "I think your presence already commands that response."

Fred and George sheepishly agreed.

"So," James asked. "Anyone got any particular plans? Or strategies?"

Remus spoke up. "Harry's going to be pretty hard to directly prank. Indirect ones causing excessive embarrassment are probably our best bet."

"What do you mean?" James asked.

Fred explained. "He means most people get pranked by hitting them with a curse when they don't expect it, or slipping them a potion. Harry's not exactly the easiest to catch off his guard."

"Not to overstate my abilities," Nicholas smiled. "But I'm the most likely one to be able to get anything to stick on him, and usually even when I do manage to, he knows it's coming." Nicholas shrugged and was inwardly enjoying his choices of words.

Ginny clarified. "What Moony is suggesting is indirect pranks. Things like sending perhaps an engagement announcement between Harry and Tonks to the Daily Prophet, maybe one with Eloise Midgen to The Quibbler, or another to Witches Weekly. Pranks to embarrass, that he doesn't have shields for."

The reborn zombies nodded in understanding. Lily asked, "Any reason not to do those exact ones?"

"Well," Ginny hesitated. "Harry sort of owns the Daily Prophet…"

"And a controlling interest in Witches Weekly too," Nicholas added.

"Really?" Ginny asked.

"You remember their planned bi-monthly all Harry Potter, all the time issues a year or two ago?"

Ginny shook her head. "No."

"That's because he bought up all their loans." Nicholas sagely pointed out. "And put strict limits on their Potter coverage."

"The Quibbler, though, is Luna's father's," Remus stated. "And they're friends, so they can print just about anything."

"I like that girl," Lily said with a grin. "We should get something in there."

Moony smiled and nodded. "I'm beginning to get an idea on an expose they might like to run."

Sirius grinned brightly. "Oh Moony, I've missed that devious look on your face."

"Yes well," Remus was looking around the room for what he didn't even know. "Why don't you guys let me give this one a try solo? Or at least wait until we're out of the belly of the beast to discuss it openly."

Nicholas was inwardly cursing. "Wise choice, Remus. In the interim though, I think I'd like to go for a more direct attack on his support base a bit."

"Snivelly?" James perked up.

Nicholas shook his head. "I know better than to try and defend him to you guys, but actually I was thinking Tonks and Hermione could make a couple of good targets. Nothing too bad."

"Excellent!" Ginny cheered.

Nicholas looked over at Fred and George. "I think I may set up a few things in the apartment over their shop, so you all can track me down easily enough. I would say, I'd find you first, but the all-seeing eye can be fickle."

James nodded. "Yeah, I think we're going to be relying on you for anything major. You're probably our best shot at directly pranking Harry."

Nicholas nodded. "I by no means wish to take away from any of your efforts or attempts, I'm just… more familiar with some of his secrets than others, as I'm sure Remus can attest too. Particularly a couple of years ago."

Remus frowned. "Are you two still bound by secrecy charms?"

Nicholas nodded. "Him as well. Especially on everything relating to Dementor Blood. Speaking of which, you should know we've made some preliminary calculations on your hmm… special circumstances. Our numbers weren't even close to what they should be. I would be surprised if we act on anything before summer."

Sirius frowned. "We're stuck teaching all year?"

Nicholas' eyes twinkled. "If you would prefer to die again sooner, I'm sure it could be arranged."

"Oh," Sirius recalled. "Oh yeah. Umm… hmm… enh. No thanks. I guess teaching is better than death. But not by much."

"Albus!" Filius began screaming in the staff room. "Potter did it again!"

"He did?" Albus asked curiously.

Filius nodded his head franticly. "I found all of my students using new bookmarks this morning!"

"Oh?" Albus asked. "That sounds wonderful. Bookmarks are very useful tools for keeping track of what page you are on."

"Dammit Albus!" Filius Flitwick yelled. "Aren't you even going to look at it?"

Albus shook his head. "I've already seen it, my friend."

"I haven't," Harry cheerfully said as he appeared behind the tiny Charms professor.

Filius gave Harry an evil eye. Harry just looked back at him impassively until he handed Harry a bookmark. Harry was chuckling at Albus choice of material for the guide and read what he'd written.

A Ravenclaw Study Guide
There's nothing wrong with loving books, other than the paper cuts.

I. The only people who say that not all knowledge can be found in books are the people with really crappy books.

II. Others may be taller, others may be stronger, and others may be prettier. But if you're smarter, then you will always be better than everyone else.

III. If those Slytherins think they're so smart, then why weren't they placed in Ravenclaw? I mean honestly.

IV. Don't feel bad. There is no rational explanation for Hermione Granger's placement in Gryffindor. The Sorting Hat was probably drinking.

V. The library is the ideal place to meet new friends, to research in your free time, to study ahead for classes, and to watch other people while wondering what it would be like to lose your virginity.

VI. If I had a Knut for every time someone assumed Ravenclaw is nothing but nerds and geeks, I would have 342,013 Galleons, 14 Sickles, and 8 Knuts, as of 8:42 PM GMT, September 4th, 2002.

VII. You are right. And they are wrong. Nothing they can say will change that.

Filius ignored the young Professor Potter's chuckling. "And what are you going to do to him?"

"To whom?" Albus asked.

"Potter!"

Albus frowned. "I do not believe we have any reason to think Harry was behind this."

Harry lifted the bookmark in the air. "I swear on my magic this is the first time I've ever seen this."

Filius was beginning to wonder how much Harry's oaths of magic were really worth.

"Headmaster!" Severus yelled barreling into the staff room. "You won't believe what the Hufflepuffs have been carrying around!"

Albus turned to Filius and smiled. "Now this one I haven't seen nor heard about yet."

"Albus!" Severus pleaded. "There is something sinister going around, and I'm not so sure Professor Potter is actually at the root of it."

"Why does everyone automatically assume it's me?" Harry whined. "There's an awful lot of other pranksters here."

Albus frowned. "Severus, Harry already swore on his magic that he wasn't behind these pranks."

"Well," Severus seemed especially skittish. "Whoever is… they're not right in the head. Not right at all."

Albus frowned and his eyes flickered towards Harry. "What is it that has you so worried, Severus?"

"Well, I saw a first year reading a note from his mother," Severus began.

Albus shook his head. "Some people have mothers who love them. You must let this jealousy go, Severus."

"What? No." Severus was confused at the interruption. "I mean... Shut up." Severus seemed lost in some painful memory. "Oh right. So I noticed that they were all reading the same letter from their supposed mother."

"You were reading the Hufflepuff first year's letters?" Filius frowned. "That's low Severus. Even for you."

Severus shook his head again. "That's not the point! They were disguised to appear as letters from their mothers. When you cast a dark arts finishing spell, they turn into this." Severus said brandishing what at first glance seemed like very thick parchment, but was clearly not quite the right color or thickness for parchment.

"Good heavens, what is that?" the Headmaster asked.

"From what I've been able to tell," Severus winced. "It is skin of some sort, maybe human. And the ink is definitely blood. Here… read it."

The Headmaster took the folded skin and gave an extremely worried look towards his Defense Professor.

Hufflepuff for Life
We Are the Dark Gods and WE RULE OVER ALL!

1). There is no good and evil, there is only power... and those too weak to seek it.

2). There is no good and evil! There is only power! And those too weak to seek it!

3). Live fast, die young, and leave a mutilated unidentifiable corpse behind. And then, when no one's paying attention, assume the previous life of that corpse. Repeat as necessary.

4). Wizard, Witch, Pureblood, Halfblood, Muggleborn, Squib, Muggle. None of it matters, as inside they are all the same: five liters of blood and an infinite number of ways to spill it. Except for babies. They don't have quite as much blood.

5). Tattoos are for pussies and Death Eaters. Real men carve art into their flesh with knives, not needles, ink, or magic.

6). The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled wasn't convincing the world she didn't exist. It was convincing her researchers, her grunt workers, and her scapegoats that she cared. And that they mattered. She even convinced most of them that they were more important than her. So she gave them qualities, characteristics, jobs, and duties. She renamed them Ravenclaws, Gryffindors, and Slytherins. You tell a man, he is sly and cunning and he finds it hard to disagree. No matter that expressly advertising that you are sly and cunning is just about the least sly or cunning thing you can do. If he is not a Hufflepuff, he will know no better. He will believe himself sly and cunning. Or he will believe himself intelligent and clever. Or he will believe himself brave and courageous. It is your job to make him believe that! Ravenclaws plan your strategies, Gryffindors fight your battles, Slytherins take your blame. And only behind the curtain, have the Hufflepuffs now and forever reigned supreme.

7). Three can keep a secret if two are dead. And thus, out of necessity, was born the rivalry between Slytherin and Gryffindor.

8). Men will wrong you, or wrong the true ideals of a 'puffer. When a man does, see if he expresses remorse. If he does, tell him you accept his apology. Nurse his wounds, become his friend, and help him to become healthy. Then as he turns his back to you to leave, slit his throat. If the man doesn't express remorse, then kill his mother, kill his sister, kill his wife, kill his daughter, and rape his dog. Grant only the mercy of death to those who are remorseful. And give only pain to those who are not. No one fucks with a 'puff.

"Good heavens!" Albus exclaimed aghast. "Professor Potter!"

Harry looked at the Headmaster. "I didn't do this. You said that yourself."

"Yes, well, you must hurry and do something to protect the students of your house!"

"From what?" Harry asked incredulously. "The truth?"

Albus just goggled at the vehemence on Harry's deadly serious face.

"Look bitch," Harry said poking Albus harshly in the chest. "You fuck with one 'puff, you fuck with them all."

Albus was speechless. He opened and closed his mouth, until he spotted some help. "Apprentice Padfoot!" Albus begged. "Would you please try to talk some sense into your Master and help your students?"

Sirius shook his head sadly. "No one fucks with a 'puff, Albus." He leaned forward, dragging his finger across his jugular and angrily whispered, "No one."