Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

"Harry!" Albus scolded from behind his desk. "Don't you think maybe you went just a little too far?"

Harry grinned, having terribly enjoyed Albus' blustering up until he was dragged back to the Headmaster's office. "It was a prank! Going too far is what makes it funny."

Albus frowned. "My intention was to mock the houses' stereotypes and give them all a skewed view of the generalizations surrounding them." Albus shrugged and added a little quieter. "And maybe scare the younger years a bit."

"Yes well," Harry replied scathingly. "The Hufflepuffs have been the butt of every Hogwarts joke for too long. So I thought I'd boost their self-esteem a bit. Give them some confidence and reasons to be more assertive." Harry continued louder, "While at the same time reinforcing their feelings of loyalty to each other."

Albus may have agreed with Harry's stated end goals, but thought he probably could have gone about it a bit better. That and he was pretty sure Harry just now made all that up. "And just how do you think Madame Sprout would feel about what you've done to her house?"

"She'd be ecstatic! She would have loved it!" Harry insisted.

Albus frowned and retorted. "She would be appalled and disgusted, Harry!"

"She would not!" Harry said with a sad shake of his head. "You only ever knew the Hufflepuff mask she fooled you and the rest of her grunt workers, researchers, and scapegoats with. That bitch is hardcore, Albus."

Albus frowned at anyone calling dear, sweet Pomona such derogatory names. "She is not hardcore."

"She wears panties made of razor blades!" Harry yelled with firm conviction.

Albus just opened his mouth and then closed it. Horrified, disgusted, not believing that for a second, but still unable to stop imagining such a thing. Nor having any idea at all how to respond.

Shocking Albus into silence was becoming a particularly easy habit for Harry. He chided his Headmaster. "You're not a 'puff. You wouldn't understand."

"You're not either!" Albus reminded Harry.

Harry scowled harshly and spat out, "I admit there was that ruddy prophecy. And because of that I had to be a grunt worker, and occasional scapegoat, but it's over! And you can bet your cold black grunt-working heart that I'm a 'puff now!"

"Just call them Gryffindor and Slytherin, for Potter's sake!" Albus pleaded.

"Potter's sake? Really, Albus?" Harry sighed. "You know that's not funny."

"But I thought it frustrated, angered, and irritated you." Albus explained with a shocked face. "Does it not?"

"Of course it does!"

"Well then it's very funny." Albus nodded with a smile.

Harry grumbled. "Now the fossil gets a sense of humor. But use fake skin and the blood of fallen enemies and," Harry's voice went up a couple octaves as he mocked, "You've gone too far! Waa! How dare you! Waa waa waa!"

Albus just sighed. "Harry," he began slowly. "Are you going out of your way to drive me to an early grave?"

Harry rolled his eyes at the old man's melodramatics.

"Because you know," Albus smirked. "If you kill me, you're going to have to become Headmaster."

Harry snapped to attention. "What? No I wouldn't. Why would you think that?"

"Please Harry," Albus chided smugly. "You honestly think the Wizarding World would let anyone else do the job? Or Hogwarts herself? Minerva's first priority is Simon now, and she's told me she has no desire for the job."

Harry frowned, having not considered that.

"To be fair though, I suppose there would be some discussion as to whether it should be you or the esteemed Nicholas Flamel in the job."

"Fine, fine, I get it." Harry grumbled. "Consider me chastised, your point made, blah blah blah."

"So," Albus settled back with a smile. "How goes the research on what's happened to the Dursleys and their bodies' current inhabitants?"

Harry sighed. "We've been trying to recreate what happened on a smaller scale, and the combination of elements seems to introduce nothing we hadn't already known. It's the shield of love and my typical luck that seems to be what matters most." Harry shrugged. "And there's not a lot of ways to recreate those bits."

Albus nodded. "Have you considered that perhaps this series of events was pre-ordained?"

Harry looked at Albus harshly. "You're not about to pull some old prophecies out your arse, are you?"

Albus raised his hands and shook his head. "Not at all. If there was anything I knew of or believed, you would be the first to know. I've learned that lesson. I'm just merely speculating that…" Albus paused and considered his words. "That among impossibilities you regularly defy, this is a pretty extreme one. Like surviving a killing curse was."

"You think some higher power or being is driving this short bus?"

Albus shrugged. "Not necessarily. But the meaning and intent behind the so-called 'shield of love' seems to be a magic of a different sort."

"So-called? You don't think my mother's love was what saved me, do you?"

Albus smiled weakly. "It's hard not to notice the only two partially successful instances of the magic involved you. And you obviously don't distinguish between rules imposed for safety, and rules that are impossibilities when you start breaking them."

Harry didn't care for the direction this conversation was going. Harry looked at the snoring artifact on one of the shelves. "Hey Mr. Hat? Did Professor Prongs get you your sauce?"

The Sorting Hat, aware it was being addressed, looked around and spotted Harry. "Yes, Professor Potter. He most certainly has." The hat smiled brightly.

Harry nodded. "Alcoholism agrees with you."

Albus frowned and looked at the Hat. "Did you intentionally refuse to sort the students?"

The Hat curled its brim upward to hide its snickers. "Maybe."

Albus shook his head. "How? When? Why?"

The Hat looked at Harry, who just shrugged in return. The Hat explained. "Potter's freakish dad originally asked me to just sort the kids into Snivellerin this year instead. That was while Fawkes and the Giant Squid were playing catch and you left them alone here in your office. Couple weeks ago, we renegotiated so that he could do the sorting. As for why, well, after a millennium I figured I'd earned a vacation."

"You work one day a year!"

The Hat's brim shrugged up on the sides. "It's the sauce. I'm an addict. Besides, my song was bad. I was trying to rhyme juicy pillow with pussywillow."

Albus flinched and mumbled about insolent hats.

"Excuse me Professor Potter?" The intrepid reporter asked.

"Luna!" Harry smiled brightly. "What brings you to Hogwarts today?"

Luna's face remained impassive. "I'm here in a professional capacity. We're running an article on you, and I thought I would ask if you would like to comment?"

Harry shook his head but smiled. "Thanks but no thanks. I'll stick with my usual 'No comment.'"

"As you wish," Luna nodded. "In that case, I have reached the limits of my professional capacity, and thought you might like to see the new issue." She handed him a hot-off-the-press copy of The Quibbler.

Harry briefly wondered what would have happened if he had wanted to comment and he slowly opened the paper to read.

The Quibbler
Harry Potter nears his Mastery in Alchemy
by Luna Lovegood

The Quibbler got the scoop on Harry Potter's magical loins last year, and we are proud to now present you with a startling new revelation. Mr. Potter will be completing one of the most difficult and painful processes to becoming a Master of Alchemy. Before we were unsure how and why Mr. Potter's ample seed was by all appearances Elixir of Life. Now we have come to understand this was a step in his apprenticeship in Alchemy to the most famous Alchemist of all time, Nicholas Flamel. Any day now, it will become official as Mr. Potter is currently nursing and will very soon be passing a large Philosopher's Stone out his soon to be truly immortal urethra.

There has been much speculation on why it takes so long to make a Philosopher's Stone and exactly how to make one, but with the revelation that it must be passed like gigantic kidney stone, it is clear why it is such a long and hard process. Close personal friend of Mr. Potter's, Remus Lupin stated, "Harry has been very protective of the magical creation growing inside of him and was adamantly refusing to even consider having it shattered so as to be less painful to pass. I believe Fawkes (Headmaster Albus Dumbledore's phoenix companion) may have a better idea of what's actually going on than I do." When asked, Fawkes was eager to add, "Trill, trill, warble, trill. Warble warble warble trill!"

Mr. Potter characteristically declined to comment, but this reporter earnestly hopes that his thick and delicious penis is up to the arduous task.

Harry groaned and looked at an innocently smiling Luna. "Would I be correct in guessing it was Remus or Professor Prongs that brought this curious piece of journalism to you?"

Luna nodded. "A good reporter never reveals her sources. It was Professor Lupin."

"Great," Harry sarcastically added. "Now I'm going to have even more people with wandering eyes whenever I pee."

"I just report the news," Luna defended her actions. "It's a lonely life distancing my personal feelings from the subjects of my articles."

Harry nodded. "You know I'd never blame you for what you write."

"Thank you, Harry," Luna said and kissed him on the cheek. "Do you have a class to teach right now, or do you have a free period?"

"Good afternoon, Luna," Lily interrupted as she walked up to greet the serene blonde.

"Hello Professor Bessie," Luna smiled. "How are you enjoying teaching at Hogwarts?"

Lily smiled. "It's a lot of fun. Though my colleagues seem a bit childish."

"Old souls, young at heart seem to be the hallmark around here." Luna agreed. "That and all the crotch-munching dillwillies."

Lily nodded with wide eyes. "Those are a pain. So what brings you to Hogwarts today?"

Harry answered with a frustrated grin. "She was showing me the latest issue of The Quibbler. Although I have a feeling you have a pretty good idea about the front page article."

Lily's eyes betrayed her innocence. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Right," Harry said as he handed her the issue Luna had given him. "I'm sure Remus and Prongs would be equally surprised."

"No doubt," Lily smiled. "So Luna, care to join me for a late lunch?"

"Actually," Luna replied. "I was hoping Harry might have a free period right now."

"I do," Harry nodded.

"Then perhaps I could join you for dinner instead, Professor Bessie?" Luna asked.

Lily nodded an affirmative.

"Lovely," Luna smiled and turned to Harry. "Because I was really in the mood for some of The Sex before Harry's member becomes damaged. No doubt by dinner, I will have worked up quite an appetite."

Harry just got a goofy smile and bobbed his head up and down at his mom. "Later Bessie."

Lily just weakly waved at couple sprinting out of the Great Hall more than a little confused, but undeniably desiring some alone time with her husband.

"I love you Luna."

Luna sighed happily. "Good for you, Harry. I was slightly worried dealing with your parents and godfather might turn you back into the emotional midget you used to be before bedding me."

"Naw," Harry explained with a far off smile. "It's surprisingly easy to get along with them. Although they're a lot more like friends that any sort of parent."

Luna nodded. "Yes, well, the things that would make you differentiate them as a parent rather than a friend or family you cannot exactly have with them, can you?"

"What do you mean?" Harry asked.

Luna looked over at Harry. "Well, it's all about growing up, defining your ideals, looking to your parents for guidance, protection, love, and acceptance. For them to be the sort of parent you're talking about, you would have to be a complete nancy-boy pussy without any personal identity. Parents teach you how to tie your shoes, or scold you when you run down the street naked. Again. And their scolding should hurt more than any punishment the local authorities try to impose upon you." She explained while Harry seemed to picturing a young Luna growing up. "Unless you've gotten this far in your life completely undeveloped as an individual, then the fact of the matter is you don't need parents. And I know you well enough to know you're pretty set in your ways. While nice to have them around, I cannot imagine even they could change you."

Harry thought about it. "Yeah, I guess if I did turn into some hosepipe spineless sissy, I'd have even more freakish neuroses."

"And you have quite enough of those as it is." Luna assured him.

Harry pulled Luna closer to him. "So all the voices keep telling me."

Luna sighed happily and sat quietly for a moment. "So… should I be making more visits to Hogwarts because your Order of the Penis could be permanently disbanded?"

Harry chuckled and shook his head. "Naw, there's no Philosopher's Stone growing inside me. It's just a phoenix egg that got launched into my stone body."

Luna noticed something odd in what Harry said. She asked, "Don't eggs usually break when they smash into stone?"

Harry shook his head. "Not this time. My stomach rippled into liquid stone. Caught it softly and it's incubating in my belly."

Luna nodded. "That would explain it."

Harry smiled realizing anyone else would be questioning the idea of a stone body or even liquid stone. "Yes well, I'm a little concerned on how to get the egg out."

"You can turn your body into stone?"

Harry nodded.

"And you can turn your stomach into liquid stone?"

"Err…" Harry thought about it. "I don't know."

"Isn't that how it got into your belly?"

"Yeah," Harry ashamedly realized. "Hold on a second, let me ask Hogwarts."

Luna nodded and practiced making shadow animals with her toes.

"What?" Harry asked the castle with surprise. "Well why didn't you tell me that?"

With a flash starting from the top of his head, Harry's body shimmered with magic and shifted into stone. Luna, who was still quite comfortably naked lying on top of him, couldn't contain her curiosity and gave him a far from unpleasant squeeze.

"Oooo," Harry giggled. "Hold on a second, Luna." Harry clenched his eyes shut in concentration and then opened them. He looked down and saw his stomach seemed more smooth and the stone appeared more fluid than the rest of his body.

Luna was apparently feeling mischievous as she went for dibs and called out, "I'll get it!" She quickly rammed a hand into Harry's liquid stone belly.

"Whoa!" Harry jerked a bit startled. "Careful there Luna. You're not digging for treasure."

Luna jerked her hand out and had discovered a small bone. "Nope, that's not it." She chucked it over her shoulder and went back to digging.

"Hey!" Harry yelped. "I may need that!"

"Oh shush," Luna scolded. "You've got plenty of others."

Harry just looked at the smile on the blonde and couldn't bring himself to stopping her.

After a fair amount more searching, she called out, "I think I found it." She paused and was tugging gently. "But it's stuck."

"Just… just…" Harry sighed. "Just don't take out anything else I might need in there."

She plunged her other arm into his belly and with both together began tugging harder. After a bit of a struggle, Harry felt something inside him shifting significantly. Luna smiled as she slowly pulled her two hands out of Harry's belly and held gently between them was the egg.

"Nice work Luna," Harry cheered as he took the egg from her. Harry began brushing off the wet liquid stone covering the egg, and was shaking the excess into his belly. Harry closed his eyes and with another flash beginning at the top of his head and flowing down his body, it shimmered and turned back into his normal soft pink flesh.

Harry could feel the warmth from the egg as he ran his hands over the surface. He had a look of confusion on his face.

"Is it supposed to look like that?" Luna asked.

Harry traced his fingers over the cracks in the stone that seemed to have become the egg's new thicker shell. "Err… I don't think so."

Luna tilted her head and asked Harry with a condescending smile, "Did you mutate it?"

Harry sighed, as he slowly hefted the weighty egg up and down. "Yeah, Luna. I think I did."

"Cool," she enthusiastically cheered.

Harry looked over at Luna. "I think this egg is going to hatch into something pretty special."

Luna grinned. "By special, you mean retarded?"

Harry laughed and stuck his chin out proudly. "I'll love it just the same."

"Oh!" Luna exclaimed. "That reminds me! Rorschach had babies!"

"Rorschach the Snorkack?"

Luna nodded gleefully. "Yup. She had five and they all seem happy and healthy."

"That's great Luna," Harry cheered. "Did you name them?"

Luna nodded with an ever so slight smirk. "There's Illogical, Unlogical, Dislogical, Antilogical, and Hermione. They're so cute and sweet."

Harry laughed at Luna's unique choice of names. "I'll have to meet them sometime."

"You know you're welcome anytime," Luna assured. "But I'll warn you, Hermione is a bit antisocial. I hope she lightens up and makes friends with the others soon."

Harry snickered. "Let's hope so."

"Oh dear god!" Tonks wailed. "What the hell happened to me? I feel so stifled. I'm having trouble breathing. It's like being trapped in someone else's skin."

Sirius just grinned at his frantic cousin. "I don't think it looks that…"

Tonks just snapped a frigidly cold angry stare his way.

Sirius giggled. "Alright, it looks horrible on you. Truly awful."

Tonks shrieked. "Who did this? I'm going to kill them! Was it you? Huh, tough guy? Was it?" She began shoving Sirius, who still could only laugh at her.

"On Hermione, it doesn't look too bad, but on you Tonks," Sirius laughed. "It looks like a beaver got electrocuted and has burrowed into your skull."

"This isn't funny, Padfoot." Tonks insisted. "I'm just not me if I can't change my hair."

A red-faced furious Professor Granger stormed into the room. "Where the bloody hell is he?"

Tonks looked over and saw Hermione was sporting Tonks' usual pink curly locks. "That's my hair!"

Hermione looked over at Tonks and paled at the frazzled looking roadkill on her head. "Oh Merlin Tonks. That look is horrible for you."

"I know!"

"Well then change it!" Hermione insisted.

Tonks was concentrating again and saw Hermione's hair shift into what she was picturing. "Ahhhh!" She shrieked seeing the lime green bob Hermione was now sporting.

Sirius gave up trying to conceal his snickers and was all out laughing at the two women. The anger emanating from Hermione's furious head, coupled with the neon colors and lengths it kept shifting through made for an image even Tonks was snickering at.

"What are you laughing at?" Hermione snarled.

Tonks giggled and gave Hermione a tall blood red Mohawk. "Nothing."

"Where's Potter?" Hermione demanded. "He knows you don't mess with my hair!"

Tonks looked at Sirius. "Who was it, Padfoot? Was it Nicholas?"

Sirius looked innocent. "I've no idea what you're talking about."

Tonks and Hermione shared a look. "Nicholas."

Sirius began to pity the old man. "I never said he had anything to do with it."

"Right," Hermione snarled. "So do you know how long this is- for Merlin's sake, Tonks. Stop it!"

Tonks was having fun shifting Hermione's hair around and tried checking out how she had looked bald. It wasn't pretty. She mumbled, "Sorry."

"How long are we stuck like this?" Hermione asked Sirius.

Sirius raised his hands. "I told you, I don't have any-"

"Padfoot!" Hermione yelled.

"A day!" He yelped in fear. "I wouldn't think it would last more than a day."

Hermione snarled. "You better hope not. Or Potter won't be the only one I defenestrate."

Sirius and Tonks didn't know what that meant, but it certainly didn't sound good.

Tonks weakly pointed out, "Don't forget your boyfriend."

Hermione shook her head. "I warned Harry, I'd hold him responsible if anything happened to my hair. I'm going to hurt him enough that even Nicholas feels it."

Tonks was trying to run her fingers through the hair on her head and she could barely move her hand in the thick bushy mess. "Good god, Hermy."

"Don't you mess with my hair either!" Hermione snarled.

Tonks managed to free her hand and just nodded dumbly, as she added some white streaks into the rainbow of colors that was on Hermione's head.

"Tonks!" Hermione snapped noticing the woman's eyes kept looking at her hair. "Shift my hair into what it's supposed to look like."

Tonks just complied, not in the mood to irritate the History of Magic professor any further.

Hermione saw her typically thick bushy hairdo and exhaled loudly as she turned around to leave. "I need to go kick something. Hard."

Sirius and Tonks shared a look. Sirius asked, "A bit touchy, you think?"

Tonks nodded. "Yeah, Hermy can be a vindictive bitch with a heart of gold. You might want to be on your guard. She's going to want some revenge and I doubt it'll be limited to just Nicholas."

"And Harry," Sirius added.

Tonks rolled her eyes. "Harry's got a lifetime of comeuppance he's way overdue for."

"Speaking of Harry coming," Sirius oh so subtly added. "How are things between you and him?"

"That wasn't crass at all," Tonks grinned at her reprobate cousin. "And we're fine. Been dating for a while and just having fun."

"No munchkin Potters in the oven? No wedding bells in the distance?" Sirius hopefully asked.

Tonks shook her head. "Sorry to disappoint, but it's just casual and nothing more."

"Alright," Sirius agreed. "But if you want some help eliminating the competition, just say the word."

Tonks seemed to be pondering it. "I'll keep that in mind." She raised an eyebrow and asked, "Actually, you want to do me a favor? See if you can transfigure this rat's nest into something that naturally grows on humans?"

Sirius waved his wand at it sending a couple different spells. He shook his head. "Nope. I figured it would be resistant to magic."

"Crap," Tonks sighed. "Oh well. I think I've got a few wigs, I can transfigure one of them as needed." Tonks grinned deviously.

"Why are you smiling?" Sirius asked, recognizing the signs of mischief when he saw them.

Tonks tried to look innocent. "Right now, I suspect Professor Granger may be unaware that she's trying some progressive hairstyles. Who knows? Maybe rat tails will become chic again."

Sirius winced. "That's just cruel."

"Who?" Tonks' eyes glistened. "Little old me?"

"Uric the Oddball was known for his many pet Augureys," Professor Granger lectured to her class. "While his eccentricities have been well documented, very little is ever made of his many discoveries."

All the students in the class were doing their best to contain their snickers.

"He is suspected to have been the first wizard to domesticate a- Miss Mathers!" Hermione angrily interrupted her own train of thought. "Do you have something to add to my lecture?"

The scolded little girl eeped. "No, Ma'am."

"As I was saying," Hermione snappishly insisted. "Uric was most likely the first to- Alright!" Hermione slammed her book down. "I will not stand for distractions in my class. Mr. Bender, stop your doodling now. Now would someone care to explain to me why no here seems to care about their grade?"

A nervous girl slowly raised her hand.

Hermione took a breath and called on her. "Miss Benoit?"

"Umm," the girl squeaked out. "Your… uhh… your ha- ha-… err. You've got a cowlick in your hair that keeps moving in time with your lips."

Hermione's eyes widened as she rasped out, "What?" right as her massive cowlick bounced and moved. It too seemed to be angrily hissing out the word. "Tonks!" She screamed so loud, it seemed as thought her accidental magic had cast a Sonorus on her.

The young Katie Mathers jumped up out of her seat. "Gotta go, Professor Granger!" She was out the door and down the hall before Hermione had even reacted.

Hermione eyed the doorway the young girl sprinted out of. "Anyone know why Miss Mathers was in such a hurry?"

The girl who had been sitting next to her put her hand in the air, and replied. "According to Madame Pomphrey, she wasn't supposed to be out of the hospital wing yet. She woke up puking with the flu this morning."

Hermione just closed her eyes and sighed. She had a feeling she needed to defenestrate a few more people than just Harry.

"Severus," Harry scolded quietly from his spot at the Head table. "If you don't stop bouncing like a first year who needs to pee, I'm not going to help you with this."

Severus immediately halted his fidgeting and bowed his head. "Sorry. I'll be good."

Harry smiled at how quickly the man agreed. He shook his head at the Slytherin Head of House. "When did you become such an obedient little man?"

Severus snapped an angry glare at Harry before his emotions betrayed him and he was smiling again. "I used to dream of this day."

"You're hopeless," Harry said with a smile.

"Is he coming? Is he close?"

"Not yet," Harry assured him. "I'll tell you when."

Sirius poured himself some pumpkin juice oblivious to their discussion. He leaned over towards his godson. "So Harry," he began. "We were brainstorming some good ways to embarrass you and we realized we didn't know if you had been denied one of the necessary, important steps in a young man's life."

Harry turned to his godfather on the other side of him and merely raised an enquiring eyebrow.

"The question we had was…" Sirius grinned broadly. "Have you ever gotten The Talk?"

Harry smiled back at his godfather. "As much fun as I'm sure it would be for Prongs and Bessie to demonstrate while they lecture, I'm sorry to say, that I have in fact had The Talk."

"Nuts," Sirius said. "It wasn't me or Moony. So who was it? Albus?"

Harry paled. "Oh thank Merlin, no. I don't even want to think…" Harry shook his head viciously to lose that train of thought. He turned to his godfather and explained, "Actually, it was after I graduated and I was chatting up this cute brunette in a muggle bar in Italy. The conversation was mainly playful flirting, but I mentioned that I had never had a full-blown official Talk."

Sirius nodded and was listening curiously.

"There was a gentleman at the bar, who overheard us, and basically insisted that he get the pleasure of giving me The Talk. I argued that it wasn't necessary, but he said it was important." Harry shrugged. "I saw the seriousness in his eyes, he seemed like a good enough guy, so I figured I'd oblige him. I bought us a couple more beers each and joined him in a back booth. He wouldn't let the girl join us. Male bonding or something or other."

Harry grinned in remembrance. "He introduced himself as Rocco Siffredi, and I introduced myself as Sirius Lupin."

Sirius grinned at Harry's chosen name.

"Now, I mean, I wasn't a virgin by then and hadn't been for a while. And I thought I knew what I was doing, you know? I knew the basics of Tab A goes into Slot B, or if you're lucky sometimes Slot C, but…wow." Harry's eyes widened in amazment. "I mean… I had no idea. He spent three hours teaching more moves, tricks, attack methods, positions, and general survival skills than I could have ever imagined." Harry nodded with a smile. "There was this one thing, he demonstrated with his hands where you take the girls left leg, hook it around your-" Harry stopped suddenly. "Hang on, Padfoot." Harry stood up. "I've got to take care of something real quick here."

Harry tapped Severus on the shoulder as he got up. He whispered to him. "It's time. Go stand in front of Albus facing away from me."

Severus hurriedly followed Harry and went to stall in front of the Headmaster.

Professor Prongs was barely ten feet into the Great Hall, in the mood for some dinner when he saw his son stalking towards him. "Good evening, Professor Potter."

Harry simply drew his wand and quickly called out, "Venerio!"

James didn't have time to dodge or anything and took the spell flush across his chest. "Ahh!" He yelped feeling the curse rush through his body. He reacted immediately and pulled out his wand, casting a Stupefy right back with barely a thought.

Harry merely twisted his body and let the stunning spell fly past him.

Severus had been following the altercation with his ears, and was trusting Harry on this one. He merely turned his head slightly and saw the red light of the stunner coming straight for him. Inches before it would have clipped him on the cheek, a golden ring appeared and swallowed up the spell. Another unnoticed ring floating behind Professor Padfoot redirected the spell into Sirius' unprotected back, stunning him so that he fell forward into his dinner.

James was confused, and didn't know what was happening. He didn't even notice when his son silently summoned the wand from his hand.

Severus smirked dangerously and turned to the man who had inadvertently nearly cursed him. With a snap of his wand and a bright flash of light, Professor Prongs was flipped upside down floating in the middle of the Great Hall. "Professor Prongs, trying to curse me in the back?"

James' robes were hanging upside down covering his bright red blush. His pale legs and underwear were on display for the entire student body. He really began to regret wearing this particular pair today.

Severus looked at the other Professor's underwear and read what was written across the back of his tighty whiteys. "Sauve moi?" He wiggled his wand and spun the man around and read the front of his underwear. "Achève moi? French underwear, Prongs?" he snarled out the name distastefully.

Nearly all of the students were laughing at the sight of their Assistant Transfiguration Professor's futile flailing and frustrated huffing.

"Leave him alone!" Harry tried to argue, though he was obviously holding back laughter. "What did he ever do to you?"

"Well," Severus answered more than happily. "It's more the fact that he exists… again. If you know what I mean..."

Harry saw the pure unadulterated joy on Severus' face and couldn't take it. He joined in with the rest of the laughing students.

James stopped his struggling and just sat there waiting patiently to be released. Harry got the feeling Severus may never let him down, and he wrestled control of the spell from the Slytherin and lowered his father to the ground.

James was smoothing out his robes and was still crimson with embarrassment. He was chuckling with the rest of them "All right. I probably… No, I did deserve that one."

Harry's eyes were twinkling happily as he handed his father his wand back. "I'm glad to see you can take a joke."

James flushed and dropped his head when students began calling out, "Achève moi!" He looked up at Severus' victorious face. He smiled and admitted, "That was a good one, Professor Snape. It's nice to see your talents can extend to pranking."

"What?" Severus yelled as the joy disappeared from his face. "No! That's not fair!"

James looked at his son curiously. "Err... what?"

"You cannot just brush this off!" Severus insisted angrily, beginning to purple in anger. "You have been humiliated! You must be crushed and cry yourself to sleep at night! You should feel no hope and have no options other than to seek out bloody satisfaction by serving the Dark Lord!"

"Whoa…" James said with surprise all over his face. He hadn't realized just how mean he had been. He tried to calm the enraged Potions Professor. "I… I had no idea. I… I don't know what to say, Severus. I… I'm sorry. I just…"

Severus' anger immediately left and he clenched his eyes shut in glee as he pointed at James. "Sucker!"

James could only gape dumbly while his son high-fived the man. He realized not only had he been embarrassed, tricked, and shared his underwear with the student body, but worst of all he had just called the greasy git Severus.

Author's Note: Yes, if you're wondering, I'm going with the pronunciation of Rorschach as (Roar-shack) rather than any of the other theorized pronunciations. It can vary, but Rorschach is more fun than Love Shack. And rhymes better too. Big thanks to reviewer N. Reynolds for the idea of passing a Philosopher's Stone. I read that, having never even considered it, and decided I needed to work it in.