Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
"Harry!" Tonks snapped, startling her cousin sitting next to her.
"So you love Luna," Ginny spat out glaring at Harry.
Harry looked at Luna and smiled. "Yup, I do. Just as much as I love you."
"Well why didn't you…" Ginny stopped short and let out a little gasp. "You love me?"
Harry nodded and turned towards Tonks' confused face. "And you, Tonky. And if it weren't for Nicholas, I'd probably love Hermy the same way."
The sour look on Hermione's face twitched just a little.
Ginny frowned. "Well why didn't you…I mean…"
"How can you love all of us?" Tonks asked sounding half-elated and half-confused. "That doesn't sound like love."
Hermione huffed like a spoiled child. "And why did you tell Luna first? What makes her so special?"
Remus just looked at Hermione curiously. He saw the hurt clear as day on her face, and he knew it wasn't simply because Nicholas was noticeably absent at the moment.
Harry shrugged. "I just do. I wasn't trying to keep it secret from any of you."
Luna smiled happily. "I could've told you all that Harry loved you, if you'd wanted. He's told me that he loves you enough times."
"What?" Ginny asked more than a little irritated to hear Luna knew this before she did.
Harry winced and saw how amused his parents and godfather were. "As for Luna… it's just… I mean…" Harry was struggling and wondering where the hell Nicholas was.
"I think Harry wasn't sure you'd understand," Luna suggested to all the irritated girls. "He didn't want you to think that loving you meant he didn't love anyone else. Or put you in danger of Love-sucking Lartwickles."
Harry nodded at the explanation. "It was the Lartwickles mainly."
Sirius was grinning and felt like fueling the fire. "Harry, you've been casually dating these girls for well over a year."
"Well over a year and a half," Tonks helpfully added.
"A year and a half," James said with a shake of his head. "Why the hell haven't they dumped you yet?"
Lily nodded with a mischievous grin. "Honestly Harry, don't you think it's about time to make a decision?"
"Yeah," Ginny agreed.
"Or are you planning on stringing them all on forever?" Lily asked with a smile.
Harry just stared at his Mum wondering if it was time to separate her soul from that body. He looked around the table and saw Hermione, Ginny, and Tonks all looking at him expectantly. James, Sirius, and Lily looked like they were enjoying this way too much. Remus was alternating between smiling at Harry's discomfort, and watching Hermione inquisitively. Luna was just sitting back enjoying her drink, and unabashedly playing with her right boob.
"What do you want from me?" Harry pleaded desperately hoping Nicholas would show up soon. "What do you expect me to say?"
Lily answered. "I just think it isn't fair to these girls that you've been stringing them all on for this long. I think you should pick one and take that relationship to the next level."
"The next level? But I've done anal with all of them," Harry said scratching his head.
"You said no one else let you!" Tonks and Ginny yelled back in unison before staring angrily at each other. Hermione was rapidly reddening as well, while Luna seemed to be checking out Ginny's ass.
Lily was biting her lip and dropped her head to keep from laughing. "That wasn't quite what I was saying. I meant an exclusive serious relationship. To see if you connect on more than simply a physical level."
"But I love all of them?" Harry said confusedly. "Don't I?"
"You cannot possibly love everyone equally," Hermione insisted giving Harry a knowing stare. "I'm sure you're closer with some more than others. Perhaps you confide and trust them with more of your secrets."
Harry pursed his lips in thought. "If I know more about any of you than the others, which I'm not so sure I do, then it means I know more bad things about you too. Or know more little habits that annoy me."
"What the hell do I do that annoys you?" Tonks demanded.
"Besides yelling and swearing at me right now?" Harry retorted.
"You like that!" Tonks insisted with a smile.
Harry snickered. "Okay maybe I do. And come on guys, I don't really want to get into this right now. It's Ron's wedding day, we should be celebrating."
Tonks frowned. "You're stalling and stringing us along again."
Ginny sighed and fluttered her eyes at Harry in the way she knew he liked. "If you can't decide that you want to be with me, Harry, then I'm not sure I want to be with you."
"Me neither," Tonks agreed firmly.
"Personally," Lily suggested. "I think you should make a decision. And for what it's worth, you and Luna look very cute together."
Luna smiled at Lily. "Thank you Bessie. I think you and Harry look very cute together too."
Lily sat back not sure how to respond to that. "Thanks… I think."
Sirius looked at his cousin's frown. "Well that's a silly reason to choose Luna. Tonks can look like anyone including Luna, so she will always be cute with him."
"Well so can Harry," Lily pointed out.
"All the more reason for Tonks to understand what that's like and means," Sirius argued.
James shook his head. "You're all just searching for logic, when history tells you everything you need to know. Potter men are notoriously retarded for redheads. Ginny's the clear choice."
"Tonks is," Sirius insisted.
"Ginny," James said back.
"Luna," Lily argued.
"Ginny!"
"Luna!"
"Tonks!"
"Ginny!"
"Remus?" Lily asked.
"Eww," James and Sirius moaned in return. James paused and added, "No offense, Moony."
"I was asking his opinion, you numbnuts." Lily explained.
Remus looked a bit uncertainly at Harry's frustration and all the other girls waiting faces. "Well, with all due respect to Nicholas, I think Hermione and Harry have some issues to work out first."
Hermione nodded fervently before realizing how that looked.
Harry complained loudly, "Where the bloody hell is Nicholas anyway?"
With a soft pop, the man in question appeared. "Right here, sorry about that." Nicholas waved his wand and conjured a chair in between Hermione and Remus. He smooched an irritated Hermione on the cheek and sat down. "So… what have I missed?"
Sirius and James let out highly amused laughs. Hermione just hissed at him, "God I hate you."
Tonks smiled as one of the few who understood what was going on. She deviously extrapolated, "You're dumping him just like that? Damn Hermy, that's cold."
Hermione frowned and grumbled.
Nicholas raised an eyebrow at Hermione. "So that's it? You've had enough of this sailor and are kicking me back to port?"
Hermione was confused and irritated. She cattily growled, "Yes, Nicholas. I think it's time we parted ways."
"Meh," Nicholas agreed and condescendingly patted Hermione on her hand. "You're too old for me anyway." Nicholas grinned and clapped loudly. "So, Hermione, does this mean you're finally going to deal with the sexual tension between you and Mr. Potter?"
Hermione looked between Nicholas and Harry wondering what the hell they were doing. She decided it was only fair. "You know, you may be right. I think I will throw my hat into the ring for the candidacy of Harry's official exclusive girlfriend."
"See?" Remus smiled now that he had his own person to back. "Hermione!"
"Ginny!" James insisted.
"Tonks!" Sirius campaigned.
"Luna!" Lily happily argued.
"Hermione!"
"Ginny!"
"Tonks!"
"Luna!"
"Tonks!"
"Dammit Padfoot, it wasn't your turn!" James whined. "I mean… Ginny!"
"That's enough!" Harry yelled back. "The next person who starts arguing who I should be dating is going to lose their mouth for a week!"
James, Remus, Sirius, and Lily quickly shut up quailing under Harry's angry stare. Harry nodded at their obedience and turned to the four girls at his table. "Is this really how things have to be? Tonks? Ginny? Hermione? Luna?"
Ginny straightened herself up and pushed her chest out a bit. "Harry," she began softly. "I would like you to be my boyfriend. I try to pretend dating all these other girls doesn't bother me, but I do know that I'd much rather be yours and for you to only be mine."
Tonks sighed and morphed so she looked more doe-eyed and innocent. "You know how much I care about you, Harry. I don't want to be constantly competing with my friends for your affection."
Sirius silently cheered and pumped his fist at the clever use of friendship in Tonks' plea.
Hermione nodded sadly and pointed up to the head table. "Do you see how happy Ron and Michelle are? Knowing that they will always have each other and are the most important thing in the world to each other? I would like to have that someday, and I can't see you making a decision unless we force you to."
Harry was beginning to understand what they were all saying. He looked at the unconcerned blonde. "Luna?"
Luna looked at Harry and shrugged. "I can certainly understand why you didn't want to tell them that you love them. I think for most people hearing that would make them happy, not want to break up with you. I've liked the time we've spent together and would like more. But not at the cost of happiness, neither yours nor ours."
Harry looked at the four girls, three of which had hopeful but sad looks on their faces. He wasn't certain but he thought they were all doing their best to push a couple tears out. He stood up and began slowly walking around the table. Periodically resting a comforting hand on a girl's shoulder, or painfully flicking the ear of a Marauder. "So that's it? This is how it's ending for us?"
Ginny looked at all the other confused expressions. "Err, Harry? When you say us, which one of us is not included in that one?"
Harry shook his head with a satisfied smile as he gave Tonks shoulder a squeeze. "None of you are excluded. All of your friendships mean more to me than anything else. And I'm not about to choose one of you over the other. You all mean too much to me, so I guess we'll just stop dating."
"Wait!" Lily insisted wildly knowing her own end was approaching. She was hoping to get an idea of who her son was going to spend the rest of his life with before she departed the mortal world again. "No, this isn't right. You're in love with all four of these girls. You should be seeing if you have a future with someone."
Harry smiled as he continued walking, giving Ginny's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "I… hmm… I'm beginning to think you're right about that. And it is true, that there is one person here who knows me better than anyone else. One person I feel a far stronger connection with." Harry smiled back at Hermione's victorious grin, as well as Tonks' smile, and then Ginny's. "I cannot imagine a future without any of you girls in it, but there's a bigger part of my life that only one of you can fill." Harry continued circling, all the people hanging on his every word. "And I think it's time I truly took our relationship to the next level." Harry stopped and placed a hand each on Hermione and her ex-boyfriend's shoulder. His eyes twinkled as he looked down and asked "How bout it, old man? You ready for this my sweet Squickolas?"
Nicholas looked up at Harry happily. "I am if you are, my honey-loving Harry Bear."
"Eskimo Kiss!" Harry cheered and bent down to rub noses with Nicholas.
"Butterfly Kiss!" Nicholas called back and twittered his eyelashes against Harry's cheek.
"What!" Tonks and Hermione angrily yelled.
"What?" Ginny, Sirius, Lily, Remus, and James all yelled out dumbfounded.
"But you're not even gay!" Ginny desperately argued.
"I know," Harry agreed. "But I'm confused… and that could be the same thing."
Nicholas smiled at the ladies hopefully knowing this had the best shot at not hurting them by choosing any girl over the others. "We don't want to lose your friendship."
Harry nodded. "But since dating all of you is obviously not what I'd thought it was, I owe it to myself to see if this is."
Hermione and Tonks were both just gurgling and sputtering, with spittle flying everywhere.
Ginny, James, Sirius, Remus, and Lily were just staring silently in disbelief, their bottom jaws hanging open.
Tonks regained control of her motor functions. "But Harry! When have you and Nicholas ever even… I mean… blurggahhbleh."
Harry shrugged. "Well actually, those magical rings we made? That started from when we wanted to make a better coc-"
"We don't want to hear this!" James interrupted a bit too loudly. Everyone stared at him for his outburst. Harry and Nicholas enjoyed the awkward silence, taking advantage of the opportunity to twinkle into each others' eyes. The fact that this was an entire Legilimens conversation no one else knew.
"Luna," Harry explained. "I'm sorry you got caught in this crossfire. I know you were fine with the status quo, but I guess it was damaging my other friends more than they've been letting on."
Luna shrugged and smiled. "It's been fun." She turned towards Nicholas. "And if you and Harry are comfortable with each other, give me a call. I could teach you both a thing or two. We could play ping pong."
Nicholas just smiled brightly and nodded fervently. Harry's eyes widened comically, while his mum cheered, "Luna!"
"Oh I'm sorry. You're welcome to play too Bessie," Luna apologized. "I didn't mean to leave you out. Just fair warning, I leave no bottom unspanked."
Lily really began to wonder what she'd done to her sweet little manwhore of a son.
Today was a day that most students were anticipating while many professors were dreading. It was hard not to notice Professors Prongs, Padfoot, and Bessie were in the midst of a prank war with Professors Potter, Granger, Malfoy, Snape, the Caretaker, and the Headmaster. Frequently it seemed also former Professors Lupin and Flamel, as well as the Weasley twins and their younger sister would come by Hogwarts just to make it easier to get pranked. Some people thought they were just trying to save Professor Potter's team the hassle of having to seek them out. Why they kept coming back to the school not many students understood though the muggleborns seemed to mention something about Charlie Brown kicking something. But they were expecting some fireworks today. They may not know what was coming, but there was no way April Fools Day would go by without incident.
Lily came running franticly into the Hospital Wing with her husband following behind her. "Poppy! Poppy! Oh dear god, this is bad."
"Professor Bessie," Poppy Pomfrey scolded. "What have you gotten yourself into this time? Extra body parts? Vanished bones? Or a good old fashioned poison?"
"No no," Lily blushed thinking about her recent visits here. "It's just… well I woke up early this morning throwing up. I took a potion to settle my stomach and thought nothing of it. Until I woke up just a few minutes ago needing to throw up again. Now this hasn't happened to me since… well…"
"You have been practicing safe sex with your husband, haven't you?" Poppy frowned.
"Of course I have," Lily begged. "It's just nothing is one hundred percent. And it's not only that but…"
James was trying not to be too happy. "We felt him kick."
Poppy looked at the two older Potters in disbelief. "You felt him kick? On the first day you got morning sickness?"
"Strong bugger," James frowned. "I hope he turns out alright."
Poppy looked over their shoulders to make sure the coast was clear. "You realize you aren't exactly alive, and you're inside muggle bodies? Your magic is in your soul, in you, not your blood or body."
Lily and James paled having temporarily forgotten that fact.
"Do you have any idea how many ridiculous complications there could be?" Poppy insisted. She grumbled quietly to herself. "This is worse than the Weasley twins' puppy." Poppy cleared off an area and closed the Infirmary door. "Alright Professor Bessie. Hop up on that table and I'll see if you're actually pregnant or if you just got some bad lettuce."
James stood to the side holding his wife's hand, while Poppy ran a series of curious diagnostic tests. Each time she just kept shaking her head in disbelief. "Well, this is going to be another off the books exam. You are pregnant."
"Yes!" James cheered. He was whooping and hollering, while his wife and Poppy stared at him. When he finally started coughing and losing his voice, Madame Pomfrey continued. "Now, from I can tell it is vaguely humanoid… but," Poppy winced. "I'm hoping it's your animagus forms and that you perhaps were intimate while transformed."
Lily nodded resolutely.
Poppy made a pained face. "I wasn't actually asking for confirmation and I wished I hadn't received it but the point I'm trying to reach is that… it has antlers."
Lily paled. "That's going to tear up my-"
"Ewww," James interrupted.
Poppy nodded. "Yes, it very well could." She looked at them appraisingly. "The other option is that they are not antlers but horns."
"You mean…"
Poppy nodded sadly. "It might be a demon growing inside you. In the meantime, let me get you a nutrient potion and on that should quell your morning sickness," she ordered and went back to her storeroom.
"Could you get me a glass of water?" James asked.
Poppy returned with the potion and two glasses of water. "Here you go, drink it all up. And we'll figure it out from here."
Scrambling madly into the room was an extremely furry Professor Padfoot. "Poppy sweetie!" Sirius called out. "I'm having some problems."
Poppy took one look at all the grey fur completely covering the Professor and just laughed at him. "Not just your palms anymore, Professor Padfoot?"
"Poppy!" Sirius raised his furry hand over his heart. "You know what just your presence does to me. Are you hoping to make me blind?"
"Get over here and sit down," She ordered with a roll of her eyes.
Sirius sat down and let Poppy cast a few spells on him. She asked, "I assume you tried to remove the fur and were unable to?"
Sirius nodded with a smile.
"Alright," Poppy insisted. "I'm going to try a couple more diagnostics. These may take some time, so don't move much, and do not attempt any magic while I'm doing this."
Sirius nodded and turned towards his friends. "What brings you two down here? You look normal enough."
James smiled brightly, "Lils is pregnant with a demon!"
Sirius laughed. "That's a new one! Think it's real or a prank?"
James frowned. "Crap. I forgot it's April Fools. Aww dammit."
"Oh dear," Poppy gasped and stood up. "Oh my… Professor Padfoot, this is not good."
"What?" Sirius asked. "What's the problem with my fur? Can't you remove it?"
Poppy shook her head. "Yes I can. A simple potion neutralizer should fix that for you… it's just what else came up in your results."
Sirius tried to smile though he was little worried. "Am I too virile to be human?"
"Professor… Sirius," she continued softly. "I'm afraid you've contracted the lycanthropy curse."
"What?"
Poppy continued. "I'm well aware that on the full moon you like to frolic in the Forbidden Forest. And traditionally lycanthropy is not a sexually transmitted disease-"
"What!" Sirius gulped.
Poppy continued on ignoring him. "But I'm sure things can get out of hand and those rough, playful love bites can have far-reaching consequences. All it would take is for you to not have completed a full animagus transformation, or to have an open wound when you transformed back and…" Poppy sighed. "I'm sorry Mr. Black."
"Padfoot!" Remus cheered as he entered the Hospital Wing. "You're furry!"
"Moony?" Sirius asked sadly. Remus just looked confused at the melancholy tone of the furry man.
Sirius looked back at Madame Pomfrey. "Are you sure?"
Poppy nodded and cast a common diagnostic spell. "I'm sure. That glowing blue flash in response is accurate. You have contracted it." She waved over Remus. "Come here, I'll show you." She cast the spell on Remus and there was no glow in response. "What the-"
"Poppy," Remus asked. "Did I hear you pronounce that spell correctly?"
Poppy tried it again with a shake of her head. The same results came back. She turned towards Lily and James and cast it on both of them. Also no response from the spell. "Mr. Lupin… have you been cured?"
Remus stood there in shock. "No, I transformed last week. Padfoot was with me, he saw it."
"How the hell…" Sirius trailed off in thought. After a moment he asked, "Moony, try and transform into a big black dog."
Remus looked at Sirius oddly. "Are we the target of some prank already? Besides your fur I mean."
"Just try it, please!"
Remus closed his eyes and concentrated. Having helped his friends on the transformation, he was familiar with this step. After a few thick suspenseful seconds, he opened his eyes. "Nope, nothing. Am I really not a werewolf anymore?"
Poppy shook her head. "As far as I can tell, no, you are not. Could you have transferred it to Professor Padfoot through some dark demonic ritual? Or unexpected side effect?"
Remus looked horrified at that thought. "That's not possible… is it?"
Poppy's mouth was open, with an uncertain look on her face. She looked over at Sirius with his closed eyes and concentrated look on his face. "What are you doing, Mr. Black?"
Sirius opened his eyes. "Trying to transform. It's not working but it's like it's still there." Sirius closed his eyes and focused again, this time trying harder and harder letting out grunts of frustration. With a soft pop, Remus was replaced with a large black Grim-looking dog.
"Whoa!" Sirius yelped at the sight. The Remus-dog fell back on its haunches and just stared at Sirius. Sirius laughed at the look on his face. The dog slowly moved forward and began to swat at Sirius' leg. "Oww dammit!"
The dog just gave Sirius a look that said 'change me back now.' Sirius reluctantly nodded, closed his eyes, and concentrated. It took some visible effort on Sirius' part and with a pop the dog was gone. In its place on the floor sat a queasy looking Remus Lupin. "Oh lord that felt weird."
"What they hell did he do to us?" Sirius asked.
"You're a werewolf now? And you can turn me into Padfoot?" Remus repeated just to clarify. "What the hell…"
"Did we get a brain transplant?" Sirius theorized.
Lily laughed at Sirius. "I think that's assuming too much about the materials he started with."
"Prongs, Bessie," Remus asked just now noticing Bessie was in a hospital gown. "What are you doing here?"
"Pregnant," Lily said with a raised hand.
"Demon baby," James added.
Remus' lips curled into a small smile. "Right."
Sirius accepted a potion from Madame Pomfrey and asked, "Can Polyjuice transfer abilities?"
Madame Pomfrey shook her head observing all of the fur falling off Sirius. "Certainly not standard Polyjuice. And I find it hard to believe Dementor Blood could be changing it enough to do something like that."
Remus shook his head. "It can't. If it could, then this would practically be a cure for werewolves by just transforming with Polyjuice once a month. And Harry would have said something sooner if that were true. Why'd you ask?"
Sirius shrugged. "I wondered if he transformed us into each other with Polyjuice, and then obliviated all of our memories, replicated them into each others' bodies, and set a special trigger on my, or rather your, animagus transformation implanting that into my, or your, brain."
"Padfoot," Remus slowly answered looking at his friend. "Did you understand what you just said?"
"Not really." Sirius began clenching his eyes shut and concentrating hard, now that he was completely fur-free. Remus hurried over and smacked Sirius in the arm. "Knock it off."
"Sorry," Sirius admitted ashamedly. "Thanks Madame Pomfrey."
"Wait a second," she called out as he and Remus stood up to leave. "Don't you want to try and figure out about the lycanthropy?"
Sirius shook his head. "I could be pregnant with a demon baby right now, and I'd just wait until tomorrow to see if it's still true then."
"Godric dammit," James agreed. He helped Lily up and they decided to join them in the Great Hall for lunch. "Thanks Poppy."
"Yes, thank you Poppy," Lily echoed. The matron just shook her head with a pleased smile.
The group walked into the Great Hall and up to the Head Table to grab some lunch. Plans and schemes that Remus only half-heartedly endorsed, were temporarily forgotten. Mainly he just had to keep Sirius from turning him into a dog.
Albus saw the four Marauders entering the Great Hall in front of him, and thought perhaps he should wait a moment before entering. He had an ominous feeling about today. This was not a feeling he particularly cared for, so he was being a bit more cautious than usual.
Luna Lovegood approached him from behind. "Good afternoon, Headmaster." She greeted.
"Hello Luna," Albus said with a smile. "Joining us for lunch today?"
Luna nodded. "If that's okay with you. I was also hoping to track down the Weasley twins and was informed they would probably be here today."
Albus motioned for her to lead the way, and replied. "I would be surprised if they missed out on celebrating their birthday with a few pranks."
Luna stopped and turned to Albus. "Can I ask you a personal question?"
Albus nodded with a smile. "You may ask. After I hear it, I may decide if answering would be appropriate."
Luna nodded thinking that made sense. "Your beard is very impressive."
"Thank you," Albus accepted the compliment, curious to where she was going with this line of inquiry.
"How old were you when you figured out where the clitoris is located?"
Albus blinked. "Umm…"
"Oh my, I'm sorry Headmaster. I should have prefaced that question." Luna corrected herself. "Do you know where the clitoris is located?"
Albus actually blushed. "I was sixteen I believe, Miss Lovegood."
Luna smiled brightly. "Thanks Headmaster. Oh, there's Fred and George. If you'll excuse me."
Albus just watched the intriguing blonde stroll up to the twins and ask immediately, "Do you think my left breast looks bigger than my right?"
Albus just shook his head and sat himself down in his usual chair. He helped himself to some lunch and was about to begin eating when he heard an extremely familiar voice whisper into his ear, "The Weasley twins have set you up to be pranked. When they walk over to Padfoot, immediately drink what's now in your goblet. It is a Draught of Living Death. I'll take care of the rest. When Harry gives you the antidote later, you will understand."
Normally Albus would not trust a whispered voice, but with a subtle glance over his shoulder, and a more focused intense look he recognized that it was indeed, himself back there who had whispered into his ear. He looked up and saw the Weasley twins approaching the Head Table. Albus lifted his goblet to his mouth and began to drink right as a massive explosion went off directly in front of him. Moments before the potion took over Albus' system, he recognized a magical representation of his former nemesis Grindelwald.
The twins knew pranking Harry could possibly be an exercise in futility. So they set themselves an easier target. They were planning to scare the pants off of the Headmaster instead. They spent weeks perfecting a working magic-capable Grindelwald all set to terrorize the old man. They cast the silent trigger and acted shocked by the magical explosion. They carefully watched the Headmaster's eyes widen at the sight of his long dead foe. Just as they were going to sit back and enjoy the show, the Headmaster's eyes rolled backwards into his head and he fell out of his seat in a dead faint.
Fred and George just looked at each other thinking this was not part of the plan. This was the Headmaster. He shouldn't be fainting at the mere sight of an old nemesis. They specifically chose Grindelwald because his appearance wouldn't frighten anyone who hadn't been alive for at least 70 or 80 years or had ever feared the long dead Dark Lord.
Minerva saw the telltale sign of a prank and shrieked out loud when the massive cloud of smoke erupted and the ground exploded in front of her revealing Grindelwald. She turned to Albus only to find him crumpled on the floor. She hurried over to him and felt for a pulse. She felt nothing. She put her ear to his mouth. She jumped up, "He's not breathing!"
With a pop, Harry appeared in the midst of the Great Hall. He saw Fred and George looking as pale as he had ever seen them. "What did you two do?"
"Nothing!"
"It wasn't us!"
Harry just gave them a harsh stare.
Fred blurted out, "It was George!" at the exact same moment George exclaimed, "It was Fred!"
"Traitor!" they exclaimed angrily before their faces softened and they said in unison, "I forgive you."
Harry hurried up to the Headmaster. He made a show of checking his vitals. "God dammit you two! He's only about 160 years old, you knuckleheads!"
The Weasley twins hurriedly banished all signs of the Grindelwald illusion and looked deadly serious.
"I can't get a pulse," Minerva franticly relayed. "I don't think he's breathing."
Harry placed his hand over the Headmaster's chest and a bright flash of light exploded. The Headmaster began convulsing a little and was frothing at the mouth. "Move Minerva, I'll take him to the Hospital Wing." Harry gathered up the Headmaster into his arms and both of them disappeared with a pop.
The pair reappeared in Madame Pomfrey's enclosed office. Harry yelled out, "Poppy! In here! It's the Headmaster!"
Madame Pomfrey came bustling into the office. She saw Harry and the dead looking Headmaster. "Do we have time to strip him naked and hang him from the rafters in the owlery?"
Harry grinned, "Poppy! A man's life is in danger! Do something!"
"Dammit, Harry! I'm a healer not a god." Poppy giggled. "Always wanted to say something like that. Wake up the old man. You two have a lot of work to do."
Harry administered the antidote to the Headmaster, and gave him a pepper-up to wake him quicker.
Albus closed his eyes as the steam went shooting out his ears. "Merlin, this stuff is wonderful. So did it work?"
Harry nodded solemnly. "I'm afraid you've had a heart attack and died as a direct result of the Weasley twin's actions. There was nothing we could do."
Albus recognized Poppy's office and his matron. "Poppy, I'm impressed you could be so openly mischievous."
Poppy Pomfrey's hair morphed into a vibrant pink color. "I'm afraid Madame Pomfrey earned a well-deserved day off. And we needed a way to get all those pesky people to drink the foul tasting potions we cooked up and think nothing of the strange spells they get hit with."
"Ooooh," Albus grinned. "I like it. I'm looking forward to seeing the effects."
"Not so fast old man," Harry interrupted. "You and I are heading back a few hours. We've got a fair amount of work ahead of us."
"I get to come with you!" Albus cheered excitedly. "I've always wanted to see what your world was like between Nicholas and Harry."
Tonks frowned. "I think we all do, but seeing as you're the only one who can make himself invisible consistently… lucky old geezer."
"I trust you won't have any reservations about pranking our own team? Nicholas does have a reputation to maintain." Harry asked.
"On this day, I believe everyone is fair game."
"Excellent," Harry grinned and turned towards Tonks. "Thanks Poppy, but I believe Mr. Potter and the Headmaster's corpse are probably waiting for your tender mercies just outside of here."
Harry expanded the chain on the time turner hidden around his neck and pulled the Headmaster close to him. Harry looked at the Headmaster who nodded, and he twisted it a few times to go back into the early morning.
Albus looked down at his watch. "Four in the morning? Goodness… so I'm assuming you know where we're headed?"
Harry nodded. "Yup, and I think we should stay invisible from here on out unless we have reason not to be. We should mask our scent too. Padfoot and Moony's noses will pick us up otherwise." Harry and the Headmaster both disappeared from view and hid their own odor. Upon unspoken agreement they pushed forward some mage magic and they were fully able to see one and other. "Perfect. First stop is to give my Mum some morning sickness."
Harry grabbed the Headmaster's hand and popped them to just outside his parents' quarters. Harry focused his magic onto a solid telepathic link, which Albus had to relax his shields and accept. "Ahh… just like old times," Harry sent down the link. "Now don't forget to speak through this and not your mouth. It'll be easier than constantly manipulating silencing charms."
"Yes, yes," Albus agreed testing out their telepathic connection. "I had forgotten how curious this feels."
Harry nodded and quietly opened the door to his parents' room.
"So is this how you and Nicholas are always in sync?" Albus asked. "And you would think your parents would know better than to leave their room unwarded."
Harry shook his head. "Naw, with Nicky I don't even need eye contact for a Legilimens conversation. It's as simple as broadcasting thoughts that only I can understand since there's often more than one of me around, although eye contact makes it even easier. And my Dad does have some pretty impressive wards around here." Harry was grinning. "He just chose to tie them into Hogwarts, which in this case is like making me the anchor stone. Usually I don't have to do anything, but since you're with me, I'm manipulating them into ignoring you."
Harry went into the bathroom and sprinkled a little powder into the front potion. "What was that?" Albus asked.
"Just a little mix that will make Mum's belly feel warmer and tingly. Tasteless and harmless though." Harry went and cast a spell to make his mother ill. She ran to the bathroom and threw up. After emptying her stomach, she drank the front potion in the cabinet to settle it. Albus and Harry smiled at how easy this was, while Lily went right back to sleep.
"Alright, next stop is to make Padfoot furry."
Albus followed obediently. They reached his quarters, protected in the same way as Harry's parents. More than likely Sirius and James were working together on their wards. Harry sent through the link, "This one is all you. They've got a stockpile of potion neutralizers against my spellwork. But since you've yet to directly go after them like this, they won't even think of trying one geared at you."
Albus proceeded to transfigure the top lay of skin into long soft grey hair. "Won't they try a general neutralizer?"
Harry nodded. "Yup, but that'll fail because I'm going to put a parseltongue lock on your transfiguration. The stupid neutralizers geared towards me overcome the parseltongue lock. Not really sure how to be honest."
"But won't they try the neutralization geared to you first, overcoming the lock, and then the general one to overcome my spell?"
"Yes, but my parseltongue spells aren't neutralized if the magic is minute enough, like say in a simple locking charm. If I did the other magic then the whole thing would fail but this way it works."
"Are you sure?" Albus asked doubtfully.
Harry shook his head. "Are we from the future?"
Albus blushed and forgot this part must be predestined somehow. The invisible pair went back to James and Lily's room. Harry explained, "Another bout of morning sickness, and now the awareness of that warm and fuzzy feeling should do the trick."
Once more Lily ran to the bathroom throwing up. This time Albus jostled James to wake him up too. When he saw his wife was ill, he went into the bathroom to help her. "Upset stomach, hun?" He asked.
"Yes," Lily replied. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."
"Don't worry about it," James answered. "I think I've probably woken you up a few more times than you have me. Actually… when was the last time you were sick?"
Harry and Albus were blanketed in a silencing charm and snickering away.
Lily eyes widened as she recognized an odd feeling. "You know my stomach does feel a bit funny. You don't think…"
"Think you ate some bad lettuce?" James asked.
"No," Lily explained. "I haven't felt like this since… since I was pregnant with Harry."
James' eyes bulged out. "You're pregnant!"
Lily shook her head. "No, of course not… well, I don't think… but it does feel weird."
James put his hand on his wife's belly to try and soothe it. Harry on the other hand knew he needed to try and stick with colorless spells and did a low-level accio on his Mum's belly.
"Oh my Godric!" James jumped back. "Did you feel that?"
Lily's eyes were wide in fear and hope as she nodded affirmatively. "We should go see Poppy."
The two of them hurried off the bathroom floor and ran out of their quarters.
"You're evil," Albus smiled and sent through the link. "Giving them this false hope."
"I yam what I yam." Harry replied. "Now let's beat them there." Harry grabbed onto Albus and popped them up to the Hospital Wing.
"Alright Tonks, you ready for this?" Harry asked out loud.
Poppy Pomfrey span around looking for the source of the voice. "Harry? You're here?"
"Me and the Headmaster both. We gotta stay invisible, but I'll be sending you Legilimens instructions." Harry explained. "No laughing either."
Tonks giggled. "I don't know if I'll be able to do that."
Albus spoke up, "Actually Miss Tonks, it's not that I don't trust you. It's that I don't trust you. So I'm going to cast and hold an unamusement charm on you. Have no fear, I use them on myself quite frequently. They can be invaluable." Albus waved his invisible wand and settled down the giggly woman.
"Hmmph," Harry said. "I always wondered how you stayed so calm. The older me usually has to keep settling the younger me. Okay, get ready, here they come."
"Poppy! Poppy! Oh dear god, this is bad." Lily yelled out as she and James entered.
"Professor Bessie," Poppy Pomfrey scolded. "What have you gotten yourself into this time? Extra body parts? Vanished bones? Or a good old fashioned poison?"
Albus sent through the link to Harry, "Tonks is good. That sounds just like Poppy."
Harry listened to his Mum explain what happened and sent Tonks a Legilimens message, "Point out that the kid would be made from Vernon and Petunia's bodies. And mention it might just be bad lettuce."
Albus watched the scene impassively fearing what would happen if Lily and James really were pregnant.
Harry continued feeding Tonks, "Just wave your wand and make up some spells. Try Wucka, Wucka Wucka and Bippity Boppity Boop."
Albus erected the silencing charm around him again as the spells being cast on Lily were cracking him up. Harry knew he needed his father to take something, so he was manipulating his elemental control over air and water to dry out his father's throat.
Harry told Tonks to announce that she is pregnant. After a moment, he then hurriedly added, "Wait no! Tell them it has antlers!"
Albus was laughing openly at how seriously the Potters were taking the news. He sent to Harry, "You should point out at that stage, antlers might be horns. Could be a demon."
Harry was snickering and quickly relayed that to Tonks. Another moment later, Harry sent to Tonks, "Okay, now go to the storeroom and we'll get the potions ready."
Harry and Albus hurriedly followed Tonks into the back room wondering how to get his father to take a potion, when James called out asking for a glass of water. "Oh thank goodness!" Harry whispered as he franticly poured the potion he'd been saving up into a glass, and disillusioned the glass. "This is dad's water," Harry handed to Tonks. "And this will make Mum's stomach feel better." Tonks took them and bustled out to the Potters.
Harry stayed invisible behind his father and quickly neutralized the elder Potter's tastebuds. Harry sent through telepathy to Albus, "I've wanted to use this one on dear old Dad for a while now."
"What is it?" Albus asked back.
"It's a potion St. Mungo's uses for training healers. Helps them identify muggle illnesses and symptoms by replicating certain ones."
Albus chuckled. "And which one is that?"
Harry shook his invisible head. "You'll just have to wait and find out. I'll trigger it later. Don't want Poppy to become suspect."
They looked up as furry Sirius ran into the Hospital Wing. Harry sent a Legilimens to Tonks, "Goodness! You're not supposed to laugh that much." Tonks settled herself, wondering if the unamusement was wearing off, or perhaps Padfoot just really looked that ridiculous.
Harry then instructed to Tonks, "Alright… now. Break the news to him that he's a werewolf."
When Tonks solemnly announced that, Albus snorted into his beard. Harry had cast an animagus-binding spell and a couple others on Sirius while Tonks was supposedly diagnosing him. Moony's entrance was just perfect timing. Harry rattled off the plan to Tonks, who cast the werewolf identifying spell at Sirius. Harry quickly faked a blue glow.
Tonks cast the same spell on Remus, and Harry invisibly intercepted it the moment it left her wand and sent a harmless spell that replicated the other spell's color as well as set Remus up for later. Albus was impressed at how fluid the sequence was, of course being able to see the invisible person helped.
When Harry saw Sirius concentrating and trying to do his animagus transformation an idea came to him. He waited until the time was right, and then quickly transfigured Moony into Padfoot.
The looks of dumb-founded shock on everyone's face was priceless. Albus was all out laughing as Harry canceled the transfiguration and Sirius began spouting theories.
Harry canceled the parseltongue counter on Sirius' fur, and gave Tonks just a generic potion neutralizer. Harry could tell the Headmaster was in danger of breaking a hip if he kept laughing, and Tonks was fighting the unamusement charm. He subtly urged a mild repelling charm and shortly thereafter all four older Marauders had left the Hospital Wing.
When the area was clear, Harry briefly locked the main door, and made himself visible. He laughed out loud, "Tonks you were fantastic!"
Albus appeared as well and canceled his unamusement charm. "Oh happy day."
Tonks now free from the Headmaster's spell let out all the laughter she too had been holding in. "Even if they never know what you two did, that was so worth it just to see."
"Actually, we can't stay and laugh too long here," Harry interrupted cutting through the laughter. "We need to get to the Great Hall because I'm afraid Albus is about to have a heart attack."
Tonks chuckled. "Or break a hip."
Albus shook his head. "Nope. I'm about to have a heart attack. Younger versions of us will be back here momentarily."
Tonks looked at them oddly before catching on. "Alright alright. You might need to keep up those unamusement charms if you come back here."
"Will do," Harry said as he disappeared from view again. Albus did as well and Harry popped them to just outside the Great Hall.
Albus spotted Luna catching up to his younger self. He sent through the telepathic link to Harry, "Miss Lovegood asks the most curious things."
Harry chuckled back. "You're telling me." The pair hurried over and caught the younger Headmaster saying "Hello Luna. Joining us for lunch today?"
Luna nodded. "If that's okay with you. I was also hoping to track down the Weasley twins and was informed they would probably be here today."
Harry was observing the interaction and asked through the link, "Have you ever time-traveled with Luna before?"
Albus turned to his invisible friend said, "Nope, and shush. I couldn't believe what she asked me here."
Harry watched Luna stop and say, "Can I ask you a personal question?"
The younger Albus nodded. "You may ask. After I hear it, I may decide if answering would be appropriate."
Luna pointed out, "Your beard is very impressive."
Harry found that a bit odd and it appeared the younger Albus did as well.
Then the young blonde unabashedly asked, "Is it true impotent men say 'Umm' all the time?"
The younger Albus blinked. "Umm…" While the older Albus' eyes widened in shock.
"Never mind then." Luna continued unimpeded. "I was wondering about how many centimeters your penis was before it started shrinking?"
Harry laughed through the telepathic link while the younger Albus actually blushed and answered. "I was sixteen I believe, Miss Lovegood."
"What the bloody hell is going on?" The older Albus replied in shock through the link.
Luna just looked pleased. "Thanks Headmaster. Oh, there's Fred and George. If you'll excuse me."
Harry, the younger and the older Headmaster all just watched the curious young woman stroll up to the twins and without even greeting them ask, "Do you think my ass looks bigger in this light?"
Harry laughed at the matching dumbfounded looks on the two Headmasters. "Luna is fun, isn't she?"
The invisible Headmaster turned to the equally invisible Harry and telepathically sent, "What the hell is she?"
"I take it that wasn't what you two talked about earlier?" Harry mentally replied.
Albus just shook his head in disbelief. "She asked me how old I was when I figured out where the clitoris is located."
Harry nodded. "Yeah, Luna's fun like that."
"What… but… how… I mean…Huh?" Albus asked completely baffled.
Harry shook his head. "I have no idea why. But for some reason it always seems to fit her personality. Sometimes she follows the timelines, sometimes she's speaking in pig latin."
Albus sat there for a moment contemplating the impossibilities of time-travel's effect on the universe, before Harry snapped him out of it. "Wake up, old man! You need to give yourself that Draught of Living Death and fast. You won't have time to explain much to your younger self."
Albus realized where he was and what was going on. He hurried up behind himself while Harry slowly followed hidden from view. Albus whispered into his own ear and then watched himself fall to the floor, seemingly dead. He felt a little bit guilty at how worried Minerva was, but Harry assured him that she'll be fine.
Harry mockingly sent through the link, "Here comes the hero," just as a visible Harry Potter appeared. Harry sent to Albus, "Let's have some fun and give you convulsions."
Shortly after the visible Harry made a little light show, the invisible Harry and Albus were sending spells at the dead looking Albus, making him froth at the mouth and shake uncontrollably. "This is fun," Albus agreed through the link. The visible Harry briefly turned towards the two invisible people and winked as he disappeared with the Headmaster.
Albus sighed a bit and asked Harry, "So what now?"
Harry explained, "Well now, believe it or not, we need to go back a couple hours."
Albus looked at Harry incredulously. "Are you serious?" When Harry smiled Albus quickly shook his finger and added, "Don't say it."
Harry frowned playfully. "Fine, and yes… because now it's Nicholas turn."
"I'm getting too old for this," Albus moaned.
Harry nodded. "Yeah, you are. I was afraid the twins might startle you too much and give you a heart attack. So I figured we should teach them a lesson and give you a heart attack."
Albus shook his head. "I thought I understood time-travel. And then I met Luna Lovegood."
"I know exactly what you mean," Harry reiterated. "I thought I understood sex, and then I met Luna Lovegood. And by met I mean-"
"Yes, thank you Harry. I know what you mean." Albus interrupted. "Let's get some food before we go back. I'm famished."
Harry agreed and popped both of them back into the kitchens. Harry shifted himself visible and then Albus did the same.
"Headmaster!" a little elf's high-pitched voice screamed. "Yous alive!"
Albus took out his pocket watch, "No… I think I'm dead at the moment. Though I could be wrong. Anyways, can we get some lunch down here?"
The little elf nodded immediately and Harry and Albus had a table stocked full of food laid out before them. The pair filled their bellies to the brim and thanked the elves before shifting out of visibility again.
"Is it time?" Albus quipped with a smile.
Harry rolled his eyes though he wasn't sure if Albus saw him or not. "Let's get out of the kitchen before we go." They moved to an empty alcove and Harry threw the time turner over them again. Not quite as many turns this time, they were back in the morning again. Harry reached into his pocket and handed Albus a small vial.
Telepathic link still intact, Albus asked, "What's this?"
Harry explained. "Let's start off in Hermione's office, since she's got class later. I thought perhaps you'd be willing to haunt her for a bit, and steal a book of hers."
"I'm going to haunt her?" Albus asked. "I assume this is a ghostly potion? But I'm not dead yet."
Harry smiled. "Oh come on, Albus. You're a master of transfiguration, I thought you should change your appearance a bit and become the ghost of the Librarian of Alexandria."
Albus smiled at the thought. "I could do that."
"Good," Harry nodded. "Because I need to be able to deny involvement, as I'm certain Hermione will be unfairly pointing her finger at me for this one."
Hermione Granger was grading some of her student's essays having skipped breakfast, as she planned to skip all her meals today. Better safe that sorry she figured. Her head was down when she felt a breeze in her office. She looked up suddenly and thought she saw something moving. After a few minutes with no response, she assumed she was getting paranoid and went back to her grading.
Another breeze went by and she looked up suddenly. She saw a ghost disappearing through the wall. "Who's there?" She called out and as expected got no response. She pretended to go back to her grading, by dropping her head, but she kept her eyes forward trying to suss out the disturbance.
She snapped her head towards her bookshelf as she saw the slightest movement, but when she was inspecting it head on, she only saw a single book teetering a little.
A soft voice carried towards her, sounding ancient and hoarse. "Common food lists… this is ridiculous… preposterous… ruffians…"
"What the hell is going on?" Hermione asked loudly. The quiet voice had stopped.
"Dammit Harry!" Hermione called out. She gave it a moment's consideration and focused on her magic calling out loud, "Potty!"
It took him a few seconds, but Harry Potter popped into existence in ready battle mode right next to Hermione Granger. Harry's eyes scanned the area vigilantly. After assessing no danger he turned to Hermione and asked, "What's up? You got me scared there."
"Harry, what the hell sort of prank are you pulling?"
Harry tapped his chin, "Tricking my parents with a demon baby, Sirius and Remus will probably prank themselves, and hopefully foiling whatever plans the twins have hatched."
"Is that all?"
"There's a potion I've been meaning to give to Dad."
"You're not turning into a ghost?"
"Oooh," Harry smiled. "That could be a good one!"
"Dammit Harry," Hermione insisted. "Someone's up to something around here because I-"
A massive thwack startled the pair as a heavy tome landed on the desk between Hermione and Harry. Hermione's eyes widened as she thought she had hidden this particular book safely. "You!" an old and wizened voice declared, pointing a bony gnarled finger at Harry.
Harry looked up to see possibly the most ancient looking ghost he had ever seen. "Me?"
"I trusted you with the knowledge in this book. I gifted it you because I found you worthy, and this is how you treat it!"
"What are you talking about?" Harry asked thankful for the unamusement charm Albus had cast on him. "I bought this book at an antique mall."
"Bah!" the angry ghost insisted. "You honestly think a priceless piece of history like this can just be stumbled upon? I placed it there for you to find! And you just gave it away like some trinket!"
"Who the hell are you?" Harry asked, noticing Hermione's wide eyes.
"Did you not even read any of the book?" The ghost asked incredulously. "I am the Librarian of Alexandria!"
Hermione eeped in fright. The ghost turned his angry stare towards her. "And you… you unworthy vile… I have watched you, I have judged you, I have weighed your worth, and you have been found wanting. This book will no longer serve you."
"No!" Hermione begged. "I love it! I'm sorry!"
The ghost bobbed up and down staring at her. "I have seen the additions you have made to the book. It is too valuable a tool to waste away in your hands." The ghost swooped down and picked it up. "I must find worthier hands to maintain this Tome." And just like that the ghost and book disappeared.
Hermione looked heartbroken. She saw Harry's look of surprise and then noticed the date on the calendar. "Oh God dammit Harry! I can't believe you did that!"
Harry shook his head, "It wasn't me Hermione. I've never seen that ghost before in my life."
"Oh sorry," Hermione snarled. "I suppose Nicholas might know. Or maybe you just haven't gone back in time yet to be that ghost."
Harry pulled out his wand and looked Hermione in the eye. "I swear on my magic I am not that ghost, nor is Nicholas, nor will we ever be that ghost. I'm serious Hermione, that wasn't me."
Hermione saw the swirl of magic with a genuine oath. She just grumbled frustrated when the ghost appeared again, "Err… could either of you tell me where I could find a… Nymphomaniac Tonks?"
Hermione shrieked and just threw a book at the ghost in anger. The ghosts eyes widened and he swirled away. "Unworthy indeed."
Harry couldn't stop the smile on his face. "I'll catch up with you later, Hermy." He popped away leaving Hermione to pout like a Malfoy.
Harry met back up with Albus in their designated alcove. "Excellent work, my friend."
Albus inclined his head in thanks. "Yes, there's a transfigured grocery list that Miss Tonks will be asked to return to Professor Granger in a few hours."
Harry smiled. "Oh it's so fun to rile that girl up sometimes."
Albus nodded and saw that the ghostly potion should be wearing off soon. While they waited, Albus taught Harry how to do the unamusement charm and they planned out what they were going to do next, especially considering first year Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff Potions class had started.
Severus Snape had to leave class to go into his own personal stores. Somehow one of the wretched first years had managed to contaminate all of the dried nettles, and now no one could do anything. He left Draco in charge and turned the corner towards one of his hidden personal storerooms. Just as he did, he bumped right into someone.
Severus cursed, "Dammit Potter, watch where you're going."
"Sorry Sniv- err, I mean Severus," the man replied.
Severus looked up and saw the telltale green eyes, but right there before him the spellotape and crudely drawn scar was peeling off of the man's forehead. "You!" Severus yelled.
"Gotta go!" He exclaimed and took off down the hall. It was then that Severus realized no one should have been down that hallway, as it was a dead end other than his personal stores. Severus hurriedly sprinted after the man. After ducking down a few different hallways, Severus was catching up with him. He turned the corner and slammed hard into someone.
They fell to the floor in a tumble of flailing limbs and girlish squeaks. Severus' attempts to get up and extricate himself were failing miserably.
"Professor Snape!" the frantic other voice called out. "Will you stop struggling please?"
Severus stopped immediately recognizing the voice as the Herbology Professor.
"What on earth caused you to come barreling into me while I was carrying concentrated Flitterbloom sap?"
Severus didn't know everything there was to know about magical plants, but he did know that Flitterbloom sap was one of the strongest adhesives in the magical world.
Neville sighed. "If you don't wish to answer that, Professor, will you please at least remove your hands from my ass?"
Severus groaned out loud.
"Oh dear Merlin, you're enjoying this!" Neville squeaked. "Stop! Stop right now! Get away from me!"
"I can't!" Severus groaned thinking this couldn't possibly get any worse.
"Good Lord Severus," Albus happily exclaimed. "Am I interrupting something?"
"Headmaster!" Neville exclaimed. "Thank God you're here! Professor Snape has been getting his jollies off groping my arse! He's made it all sticky! Help me, sir! Please!"
Albus' eyes were twinkling joyously. "I'm so glad to see you've gotten over your fears Severus, but you really must control yourself. This is unacceptable behavior."
"Oh for the love Merlin," Severus exclaimed. He yelled perhaps a bit too loudly, "I can't take my hands off Longbottom's bloody arse!"
"I think I'm going to be sick," a passing sixth year gasped.
"Why is his arse bloody?" another student inquired.
"Don't ask that!" His friend scolded him. "You don't want to know!"
A little wandwork from the Headmaster separated the two Professors rather forcefully. Neville lunged toward the Headmaster to hug him. "Thank Merlin, you saved me!"
Severus just looked down and saw that while the Professors had been separated, the same could not be said for his hands and Neville's pants.
"He won't hurt you again, Neville," Albus assured the pantsless Herbology Professor. "Not if I have anything to say about it."
Severus was reddening while he flung his hands up and down trying to shake loose the pants.
"Severus, I suggest you go back to your quarters and think about what you've done. Consider yourself excused from the rest of today's classes. We're going to need to have a long talk later I believe." Albus' eyes were twinkling a little too happily. "Come on Neville. Let's have Madame Pomfrey make sure you're not injured."
As soon as Severus was out of sight, and the students ran away from the Headmaster's stern glare, Neville morphed back into Harry. He and Albus snuck away to laugh it off.
Now that the Potions class had only one Professor it was time for phase two.
Albus entered the Potions classroom and explained, "Professor Malfoy, I'm afraid there has been an… incident… with Professor Snape. He will not be returning to class for the rest of the day. You are to conduct them on your own. And here is a fresh jar of dried nettles."
Draco nodded, especially curious about what the word incident referred to. "Thank you, Headmaster." While the Headmaster had distracted Draco, Harry subtly swapped out Draco's wand for a homemade wand transfigured to look identical. Albus strode out of the room, turned himself invisible and let Harry silently fetch him. The two invisible men were looking forward to seeing how Draco would react.
Draco distributed the nettles to each student, and then addressed the class. "We have been delayed but there is still plenty of time to make your own variations on the boil cure potion. It was the potion you made in your first class, and now you will be attempting minor changes and recording the differing effects those changes give you. The original instructions are on the board." With a wave of his wand and the announced spell he expected the instructions to appear. Unfortunately, his wand was not as agreeable. He tried the spell again, a little louder and more forcefully.
Sadly it was not the revealing spell Draco had intended to come out of his wand. No, it was another spell Draco was all to familiar with.
"The Dark Mark!" a young Ravenclaw exclaimed seeing the small green floating cloud.
Several shrieks and squeals followed, while Draco called for silence. Draco tried to dispel the unfortunate appearance. As expected, another Dark Mark exploded from Draco's wand.
The shrieks came back along with a few cries of "Death Eater!" and "Don't kill me, Professor!"
A small piece of Draco died that day. Having always feared children wouldn't ever see him as anything other than his father's son. He tried silently casting an especially dark spell that would counter most other dark magic. He was unsurprised to see a third Dark Mark fly out of the wand and lazily float in midst of the Potions classroom. He was calling for calm, and silence but not a whole lot of the students were cooperating. He looked at his wand, and while it felt a bit different, it sure looked identical. He tried the last thing he could think of. He pointed his wand at the nearest Dark Mark and cast "Morsmordre!"
Draco felt elated to see that it canceled all the Dark Marks in the room, and the kids had stopped screaming. Draco saw the amazement on one of the student's faces as she pointed at Draco. "Your hair! It's growing!"
Draco hurriedly grabbed his pale slicked back tresses and felt them expanding rapidly. He was freaking out. "No, no. Not now!"
"Oh my god!" that same girl exclaimed. "Your roots!"
One of the boys there couldn't believe his eyes. "They're not platinum blonde at all. They're… sandy!"
"Professor Malfoy's natural hair color is … sandy blonde!"
Draco shrieked and squealed every bit as much as the first years had. "Don't look! I'm hideous!" He fell to the floor and hid under his desk, softly sobbing to himself, ignorant of the rest of the world.
Albus and Harry on the other hand were laughing their heads off. Silently and invisibly of course, but truly entertained. Harry felt a bit of pity and cast a memory blanket charm on the doorway to the classroom.
Draco called out from under his desk, "Go on! Get out of here! All of you! Leave me alone!"
Albus would have felt pity for him, if it wasn't so sad.
As all of the student's quietly made their way out of the hastily canceled class, crossing through the doorway made them completely forget everything regarding Draco's hair color.
Once they were gone, Harry turned himself visible. He canceled the hair growth on Draco and pulled him out from under the desk. "Dear Merlin man, that was pathetic."
"I'm ruined," Draco cried. "Completely ruined."
Harry handed him his wand. "Relax you big baby. I charmed the doorway, None of the student's remember anything about your hair color."
Draco wiped the tears from his eyes and looked up hopefully. "Really? You did that? For me?"
Harry shook his head at the pompous spoiled man. "Yes, well, they don't remember anything about your hair color, but they still remember you breaking down and blubbering like a bitch."
Draco waved him off. "Well that's fine. I don't care about that."
Harry left the ridiculously relieved blonde ponce alone. He called out over his shoulder, "Happy April Fools Day, Draco."
Harry turned himself invisible again, and the Headmaster sent out another telepathic message. "Sandy? Sandy blonde! Great Googahmoogah… I had no idea."
Harry nodded with a smile. "He's a bit protective of that secret, so you might not want to let on that you know. Come on, we should head to the infirmary so you can play dead."
"Could we…" Albus asked hopefully. "Could we stop by and see Miss Lovegood again?"
Harry snickered. "Yeah, why not. It's on the way."
As they approached the area and saw the time was nearing Harry interrupted, "Now don't move too far from me. I'll use the Air element to hide us, as the second time around we know we didn't see a third version of us."
Albus nodded. "Good point. I'm glad you remembered that."
Harry rolled his eyes. "Didn't really have much of a choice. And besides, how do you think I knew we had to go back again?"
Albus conceded that. The pair got up close enough to listen in on the conversation once more.
"Good afternoon, Headmaster." Luna greeted.
"Hello Luna. Joining us for lunch today?"
"If that's okay with you. I was also hoping to track down the Weasley twins and was informed they would probably be here today."
"I would be surprised if they missed out on celebrating their birthday with a few pranks."
Luna stopped and looked at Albus with a deadly serious expression. "Can I ask you a personal question?"
Albus nodded happily. "You may ask. After I hear it, I may decide if answering would be appropriate."
"Your beard is very impressive."
"I still don't get that," Albus mentally sent to Harry from behind their invisible wall of Air. "Shush!" Harry sent back.
Luna looked deep into Albus' eyes. "Do you frequently time-travel with Harry?"
The youngest Albus blinked. "Umm…"
"Actually what I really want to know is when you died in the near future," Luna continued eerily. "Were you in the Infirmary bed fifteen or sixteen?"
Albus blushed. "I was sixteen I believe, Miss Lovegood."
Luna smiled brightly. "Remember that, Headmaster. Oh, there's Fred and George. If you'll excuse me."
The last thing the pair heard the adorable little blonde say was, "Do you think too much time-travel could implode the universe?"
Albus turned to Harry and just looked at him. He mentally explained, "Alright. That's it. Let's go get me dead. I'm through time-traveling with you. This is just plain fucked-up."
Harry laughed at the old man and sent back, "Oh come on Albus, Luna's just playing a little joke on you, that's all."
Albus shook his head. "You do what you want. I've had enough repeat conversations for the rest of my life. However many more minutes that may be."
They made their way to the Hospital Wing and seeing the coast was clear turned themselves visible again. Albus ran over to bed number sixteen and jumped into it.
The woman who was by all appearances Poppy Pomfrey came bustling out of her office, "Aww… you're not dead?"
"No!" Albus insisted. "And let's hope I won't be for a very long time."
Tonks grumbled, "Alright, alright. So what's the plan?"
Harry took into consideration, the Headmaster's desire to not terribly frighten the entire school population any more than they already had, and concocted a quick scheme that they could all agree with.
Minerva came running into the Hospital Wing, "Albus! You're alright!"
Albus smiled, "Just fine, my dear. Tip top in fact."
"Poppy?" Minerva asked.
Tonks put on her stern mothering tone. "He's perfectly okay. He was merely turning the twins prank against him."
"But you had no pulse, you weren't breathing…" Minerva questioned.
Albus smiled. "That would be the Draught of Living Death I had drank moments before Grindelwald's hasty appearance."
Minerva shook her head. "You idiotic childish boys."
Minerva was quickly informed of the plan from Poppy, while Harry and Albus set up everything and sent off the present with a school owl.
Fred and George were freaking out. They wanted a laugh. They wanted to dupe the headmaster. They certainly didn't want to hurt him. They really didn't think the day could get any worse when they saw an owl coming straight for them carrying a bright red envelope that began smoking. As soon as the owl released it in front of the twins, the howler opened up into the familiar voice of Mrs. Weasley.
"How dare you! You stupid, retarded, useless, wretched beings. Fred! George! What on earth were you thinking trying to scare a man better than halfway through his second century on this world! You could have killed him!"
With every word the twins were paling and stepping back in fright, but the howler just kept inching closer and closer and seemed to be screaming louder and louder.
"You know his heart has been stretched to its limits having to deal with Harry as much as he has! If I didn't know how utterly idiotic you two really are, I'd think you were trying to kill him!"
By this point the howler was barely a foot away, and each word was like a hot wind blowing on their face.
"I swear to Merlin I am so angry with you right now, I could just… ruggah… fliggah…jerking… dumbasses… ARRGGHHH!" It just let out an ear-piercing scream that forced the twins to clench their eyes shut from breeze before the whole thing just popped into a small fiery explosion. Left in it's wake was a floating golden ring.
The twins barely had a moment to realize what that meant when the joyful head of Albus Dumbledore poked through and smiled at them. "Happy Birthday!"
To their credit, they didn't faint, but the Weasley twins did collapse onto the floor clutching their hearts and completely out of breath.
Albus climbed his way through the rest of the enlarging golden ring and hopped onto the floor. He looked down at the twins, still pale and worried faces. "And Happy April Fools Day as well."
The rest of the student's laughed at resigned but grinning Weasley twins who seemed completely and totally relieved.
"Yes, yes," Albus assured the students and staff as he went back up to his seat at the Head Table. "Reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated." He gleefully helped himself to the meal that he had missed out on earlier.
Harry and Minerva had also snuck their way back into the hall and witnessed much of the Weasley twins berating. Minerva shook her head at Albus' smile, while Harry took the seat on the other side of the Headmaster.
Harry sent out the trigger to the potion that had been ruminating in James' belly for just a short while now and sent a wink towards the Headmaster. Albus recognized their telepathic link was still open and mentally asked, "So will you tell me what muggle symptoms we should be expecting from Professor Prongs?"
Harry smiled mischievously and mentally replied, "Have you ever heard of a syndrome called Tourettes?"
Albus' eyes widened and another smile split across his face. He was listening down towards Professors Bessie and Prongs as they finished a discussion on baby names.
"I love you, honey," Lily told her husband.
James smiled and answered back, "And I love you too -CUNTLICKINGCOCKSUCKINGSHITFUCKER-!" James gasped and threw his hand over his mouth.
"Excuse me," Lily asked with wide eyes.
James shook his head. "That wasn't -ASSMOTHERFUCKDICK- me. I swear I'm not -WHOREFACEDCOMEDUMPSTERBITCH- meaning to scream." James slapped both hands over his mouth at this point, as everyone in the hall was staring at him. Some of the younger Ravenclaws were writing down all the words they didn't recognize.
"Professor Prongs?" the Headmaster inquired looking over the top of his glasses. "If you are unable to maintain a civil tongue at the dining table I will be forced to ask you to leave."
James slowly removed his hands from his mouth and without even trying to say anything yelled out, "-GOATFUCKINGDONKEYRAPINGSHITEATER-" He slapped his hands over his mouth and let out a muffled eep.
Remus and Sirius were just looking at their friend incredulously.
Some more muffled curse words were trying to pour out of James' clamped shut mouth.
Remus finally recognizing the signs leaned forward and looked down the table at Harry. He looked completely impressed. "Did you give him… Tourettes?"
Harry's eyes were twinkling victoriously. "Who? Me?"
James just looked at his son and blurted out, "-COCKHUNGRYBALLEATING-"
Harry looked down at his watch and said, "Don't you have a class to teach soon?"
"Fuck!" James exclaimed.
Sirius pointed his finger, "Hey now! That one was you!"
Lily just listened to all the verbal diarrhea coming out of her husband's mouth and wondered how they could ever hope to raise a baby demon.
James whined. "Come on Harry! You can't -ASSFUCKSTARTBLOWME- leave me like this…"
Harry was tapping his chin. "Actually, I do believe I could… but I'm probably too nice for that."
"Change him back, Harry," his mother pleaded.
Harry shrugged. "All it takes is the magic words."
"-DICKLICKINGANUSFACE-" James blurted out frustrated.
Harry shook his head. "Those certainly aren't the magic words."
"Oh come on," Sirius whined. "You probably made it a parseltongue password, you big cheater."
Harry smiled and again shook his head negatively. "Nope. I made it obvious for you, especially considering the honor that's on the line."
Remus smiled and nodded. He said loudly, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."
Harry inclined his head towards Remus in agreement.
James jumped at the chance. "I solemnly swear –FUCKFACESHITTER- that I am up –DAMNCOCKEATER- to no good." James sighed happily and all was quiet for a moment. "-HELLWHORELICKER-" And he groaned in frustration.
Harry happily pointed out, "I believe you didn't quite get all the words out in order there."
"Harry is the best," Remus replied before stopping and looking around confused. "Harry is the best!"
Sirius looked at Remus oddly, "You're saying Prongs has to get out all of 'I solemnly swear I am up to no good' Harry is the best?" Sirius' eyes bulged out. "Harry is the best? Harry… is the best."
"Harry is the best!" Remus insisted.
Sirius grumbled back frustrated. "Harry is the best."
Lily looked at Sirius and Remus oddly. "Did you guys just say I solemnly swear-"
"Harry is the best!" Remus interrupted.
"-FUCKSHITFUCKDICKFUCK-" James blurted out making no effort to stop himself.
"Harry is the best?" Sirius asked Remus.
Remus just shook his head.
James was waiting with his mouth open. As soon as he involuntarily spasmed and yelled, "-CHICKENFUCKINGCORNHOLE-", he immediately tried to ramble out, "I solemnly swear I am up to –MOTHERSHITDAMMIT-" James groaned. "No good. –ASSLICKINGBUTTNOSE-"
"Harry is the best," Remus reiterated.
All three elder Marauders just gave Harry the tired look of a broken man.
Remus held up his hands and said "Harry is the best."
Sirius grumbled and nodded. "Harry is the best."
James added, "We –COCKDICKSUCKFUCK- yield, give, surrender… -COMELICKINGCOWBOY- just stop this."
Harry smiled at them and winked. "Mischief managed."
All three immediately felt the magic that had been welling inside them reach its conclusion. Sirius and Remus were shaking their heads. Sirius whined, "That was mean."
James smiled reluctantly at his son. "Cheeky fucker."