Okay, I'm going to try and update all my stories in one night. This might be a problem as I've only updated one so far (besides this one) and it's already 11:30 at night. Hmm. Well if I don't get them all today, I'll get the rest tomorrow.

Let's be clear on this: I don't have the first HP book on me right now, and I'm not willing to go all the way across the street to the library to take it out. So if it's not bang on, pardon it.

Disclaimer: I. Don't. Own. It.

Everyone was having breakfast. And by everyone, I mean except Harry. And by breakfast I mean lunch. But let's skip the details.

"What is this?" mumbled Dudley incoherently to his mother, indicating his bowl of yellow mush. Actually, it came out as "Whmm umm humm?" because his mouth was full.

"Speak up, darling." said Petunia sweetly, trying to imagine that Dudley was a handsome, young, fit boy.

"Whumm humm hmm humm?" he repeated.

Suddenly, his eyes widened as if in surprise and he began choking.

Harry, who was sitting under the table for some unexplainable reason, laughed quietly even though he couldn't see any of it. He just knew it was happening.

Petunia and Vernon were also laughing, convinced that their overgrown son was making a joke.

After several minutes, Dudley slumped over, his plump face now blue.

"Gag the boy, Petunia." said Vernon slyly. "It's about time we took him to the morgue."

"What the hell are you talking about? Lard?"

Harry sprang up from his "hiding spot," ready for action.

"HARRY POTTER TO THE RESCUE!"

He picked Dudley up with amazing strength and hurled him at the wall.

A large clump of grass came hurtling out of Dudley's mouth and he spluttered back to life.

"OH MY GOD!" screamed Petunia. "YOU'VE KILLED MY DUDLEY!"

"Wait..." began Vernon, thinking hard. Pretty scary, isn't it? "There was something important that was going to happen today..."

"My birthday, you fat buffoon!" screamed Harry. "Wait. That's not right."

"I think it might be my birthday." put in Petunia hopefully.

"That's not right, either." said Harry thoughtfully.

"It's MY birthday, you idiots." mumbled Dudley through an enormous piece of toast, which he'd just began eating.

"OH YEAH!" screamed Vernon, and he jumped up and began doing various Michael Jackson moves. Wow. Weird.

"I guess we'll be taking you to the zoo then." moaned Petunia in a bored voice.

"Meh." shrugged Dudley.

Harry jumped up and down, her/his bushy brown hair waving madly. "I love the zoo!"

"Let's feed him to the snakes." suggested Vernon.

Petunia shrugged, and then they all piled into Vernon's car to go to the zoo.

Dudley looked interestedly at the large gorillas behind the glass wall. It was Plexiglas, so there's nothing to worry about.

Or is there?

Dudley was amazed at how similar the gorillas looked to him.

"They're just like me!" he whispered.

Meanwhile, Harry was back with the snakes, looking at an especially large one.

"I love to talk to animals." he chattered loudly.

People walking by stopped to look at him.

Harry took no notice and the people moved on, all except a young couple, who thought he was funny so they stopped to watch him for a while. Run-on sentence much?

"I've always talked to animals. I don't know why." said Harry animatedly. "I guess it's because my favorite movie is Dr. Doolittle. Quite the funny film. It's about-"

"Can you please shut up?" hissed the snake politely. "I'm trying to have a nap."

"You can talk?" squealed Harry. This was by far the coolest thing that had ever happened to him before.

"Yes. Now please go away."

But Harry continued to chatter, talking about random subjects, like why the sky was blue, how to cook fish, and, with very graphic details, how babies were made.

"SHUT UP!" screamed the snake. As if snakes can scream.

"Argh!" Harry yelled. He was mad now. "I'm mad now!"

He focused his supposedly green eyes on the glass that separated him from the snake.

Seconds later, the glass disappeared.

The snake, happy to get away from the annoying kid, slithered off.

Everyone screamed and ran this way and that.

Harry, who, being incredibly stupid, contrary to what J K Rowling says, thought that he had nothing to do with it and went back to the car to wait.

Once in the car, Petunia shrieked, "We should leave immediately! That snake could bite someone."

"Um," said Dudley, being the incredibly smart one of the family. "We've already left."

"Well that's good then." said Vernon. "Wait. But I was going to buy a stick of lard!"

He burst into tears at the realization of the loss of his precious lard.

"You really should go on a diet." said Dudley vaguely, looking at his pet paper towel, which he'd bought just before he'd left. It had only cost $34.

"Look who's talking." retorted Harry.

"YOU! SHUT! UP!" said Petunia, hitting Harry on the head at ever word.

"Owww!" he complained. This would be a long day indeed.

All right.

Not too bad. Reviews will be appreciated. And thank you very much to the people who did review. CUPCAKES FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO REVIEWED! Honestly, why not review? It takes, what, a minute? IT WON'T HURT YOU!