I know, I know. Haven't updated. But I've managed to update 3/10 of my stories this week, and I plan to update all of them this month. And this time I'm sticking with my promise. This is the fourth one I've updated this week. Going good so far.
But I have to tell you that while I would love to update my stories weekly, I have a lot of stuff to do. School started, I have a job, babysitting my family and touring around some exchange students. It's busy. But I love you all and I want to make you happy, so I'll try to update more often.
Disclaimer: I don't own HP. Sauce. I don't own HP sauce. HP can also stand for Hanky Panky, but we won't go there. In short, I don't own Harry Potter. He is owned by JK Rowling, who is an amazing authoress. Let us bow to her...
After the incident with the Brazilian Boa Constrictor, Petunia and Vernon decided that Harry was dangerous because of his strange attraction to fatal speaking animals. Ergo, they locked him in the BROOM CUPBOARD! DOOM DOOM DOOM!
And this is how they got him in:
Petunia gagged the boy with a spare tie, from back in the day when Vernon actually had a neck.
Vernon body slammed him ad picked him up, then shoved him in the broom cupboard, then locked the door.
"BUT I'M NOT HARRY!" whined the boy.
"Don't be silly, dear. Of course you're Harry." smiled Petunia with an evil glint in her eye.
Harry took a sip from his teacup, then set it down on the table. "He isn't Harry, you know. I am."
"Oh, SHUT UP DUDLEY!" roared Vernon, his neck vein doing that poppy-out-of-the-neck-vein-actionness.
Harry shrugged. He didn't like the broom cupboard much. It smelled like espressos.
"I don't like it in there anyhow." he said out loud. "It smells like espressos."
Petunia looked up at the sky. "Why would you make it smell like espressos in there?" she whined. "WHY! WHY!"
"Hey!" said Vernon cheerily. "I want an espresso. Let us go out for espressos."
"YEAH!" said everyone, including Dudley, then they all ran for the car. Except Dudley. He ended up running into the broom cupboard door.
As soon as they got to a little coffee place, Vernon jumped out of the car and into the... place.
"I would like an espresso, please. NOW!"
The skinny man behind the counter looked scared and tossed him a cup filed 1/8 the way up with espresso.
"What the hell?" whispered Vernon to Petunia. "What do I do with it?"
"You make an illiterate love child with it." Harry informed him. "Then you run off the Belize and have an affair with a cookie."
"You put... stuff in it?" Petunia suggested.
"I'm feeling as if we've gone off plot." said Vernon.
Then they all did that -soap-opera-stare-into-the-distance-glazed/stoned-eyed thingy.
They all got back in the car, espressos forgotten, and went to sleep.
Three minutes later they all woke up, and Dudley was finally let out of the cupboard.
They all sat at the breakfast table.
Dudley had porridge, Petunia had a pencil, Harry had a package of nails, and Vernon had lard. As usual.
"Get the post, Dudley." barked Vernon, not noticing the large chunks of lard in his mustache.
"Make Petunia get it." snapped Dudley.
"Make Harry Get it."
Vernon sneezed. "Go get the post, Harry."
"Fine. Anything's better than here."
Harry got up from the table, nails forgotten, and got the "post." Hmmm….
"I haven't sworn yet today." commented Vernon. "Better fix that. FUCK FUCK SHIT SHIT DANG! I feel better already."
Harry sorted through the mail. "Bills, bills, bills, porn offer." he slipped that one into his pants pocket. "Bills, porn offer (into the pants pocket) and a letter. For me. BOO YAH! THEY'RE TAKING ME AWAY!"
He did a little happy dance.
"I can hear you happy dancing, boy." snarled Vernon. "And give me those porn offers."
"Damn!" whispered Harry. "I forgot about his super-human hearing!"
"HA!" screamed Vernon, coming into the hall at the rate of a handicapped squirrel. "I TAKE THOSE LETTER!" Oooh, sucky grammar.
Vernon stole all the letters and ate them. "Mmm. Tastes like lard."
I know. Not very funny. I'm sorry. I just don't get hyper like I used to... You can flame me. I kind of deserve it after not reviewing and then giving you this crappy chapter.
But hey, next time'll be better. I promise.