I have no more excuses. And I'm very sorry for not updating. Although I did enjoy those bad reviews I got! Honestly, I love reading bad reviews. I'm glad that everyone's not one-sided. So now you know: I like bad reviews. Good reviews are good too, though, so thank you.

Disclaimer: I don't own it.

"So are you going to give me that mail--sorry, POST--, BOOOOOY?" yelped Vernon, doing an amazing impression of… himself.

Harry grinned evilly.

"What will you do with it, you BUFFOOON!" Notice the triple O? Dudley rolled his eyes. He was getting tired of the randomly misspelled words in his story. I mean… life. He is obviously the smart one in this family. Almost.

"Well I WAS going to turn all the papers into little origami CRANES! But since you're being a bitch about it, I guess I'll just have to READ it like everyone ELSE! How BOOOOORING!" I'm sure you'd like if it was spelled 'boring' instead of 'BOOOOORING', but you can't always get what you want.

Fine, have it your way then. "BORING!"

"Well I disagree with that statement." said Petunia in a proper voice. "I think that you should invest it. It is the smart thing to do."

"…" Everyone stared at Petunia with that weird fish-eyed look people do when other people are weird. You know the one.

"What? It was JUST a demand. You don't have to be all fish-eyed about it."

"So what were we talking about again?" asked Harry. He started to eat his hand. Dammit! Bad habit.

"Do you have a pet?"

"No, that's not it." Vernon ate some more lard. Is he always eating lard? Okay, well I better change it then. He ate some ham.

"We were talking about the post, dear." Petunia supplied.

"But I still think you should invest it." she mumbled.

"Right." Vernon nodded. Almost. He doesn't have much of a neck, you see.

"What about the post?" barked Harry, doing some random Michael Jackson dance moves. Like, the moon walk, that one thrusting-hip thingy, a little John Travolta disco. You know.

"I want you to give it to me. So I can read it and not tell you about Hogwarts and your magical abilities and how your parents died because some old guy killed them with magic."

Harry frowned in confusion. Or maybe just because he was having his annual grow-a-unibrow competition with himself.

"Oh. Okay then." He tossed the few letters at Vernon, but didn't bother to take the porn offers out of his pants. He was saving those for later. In his pants. Ironically. Or is it un-ironic? I can't remember.

"DROP THOSE BANANAS!" screamed Tino. Oh look, it's Tino. In case you don't know Tino, I'll just tell you what he looks like. He has a really big afro and is an illegal cheese dealer. 'Nuff said.

"Who are you?" asked Vernon somewhat reasonably. Ooh. Maybe he took a Ritalin or something.

Petunia looked at him in a snobby way. Dudley giggled and blushed, waving at the awesome person.

Tino winked back.

"Do you know my son?" asked Harry. Huh. Well I guess he's back then.

"Naw." said Tino. He pulled out a little mini child that looked exactly like Frodo.

"I know him!"

"Bleh!"

A/N: Abrupt ending though.

Any of you like the All-American Rejects? Well, just so you know, their new CD is awesome. I am considering being a groupie. Just kidding. Mostly.