Three weeks later…
d2: + 2 years, 9 months
d3: − 3 months
Part XVIII: Choices
Nina hung the phone up and sighed in frustration. Another job that wouldn't get her any further. Still, she had accepted. Anything else was unthinkable. She had to be patient a little longer, but she would get her shot. Her chance to leave everything behind for good. She had to admit she wasn't sure what life would be like then, but it would be different. And that was all that mattered. It was what she really wanted.
She had been thinking about it for a while, and she couldn't even tell when exactly she had made up her mind, but she definitely had now. There were certain things she knew she would miss. The thrill, the adrenaline, the danger. A long time ago, it had sickened her that she needed it, but she had learned to accept it. And she had lived good with it. A part of her could go on like this, live in a world of moves and countermoves, of foreseeing and adjusting, planning and carrying out, where trust was almost nonexistent and having something up your sleeve the only valid life insurance. But once she had realized there was an alternative and started to consider it, she had liked the idea more and more. Up to the point where she had started making plans. Plans that didn't include anything from her current life.
Tuesday, her mind suddenly trailed off. She would meet Nick on Tuesday.
Sunday she would leave him again, depending on what day the deal was going down. Her employer would let her know soon enough. And although this job was not the one she was waiting and preparing for, she suddenly became aware that it could very well be the last time she saw Nick. Something could come up basically any day and there would be no time then for a last reunion or a goodbye. Not that she needed that.
Maybe you should end it now. Before things come in a rush. Maybe it would be best to let this be the last time. It would be better for him too. And she didn't have to tell him. She could avoid another debate. All she had to do was not getting in contact anymore. She had given him a phone number, yes, and maybe he would even use it at some point, when he didn't hear from her anymore, but she didn't have to answer. It was a non-traceable cell. She could lose it. And maybe he won't even try to contact you. Maybe he would realize it was the best thing that could happen to him.
She wondered if he would see it that way. A part of him will. The part that couldn't find peace sleeping next to her. The part that didn't wonder what would happen if he didn't show up but why he did show up in the first place. That part would be grateful.
Nick. There was still something about him she didn't understand. Every time she thought she had him figured out. Every time she thought she got it. What did he see in her? Besides the obvious. Usually she knew what men saw in her or what they thought they saw.
Jack had seen a safe haven. A redemptive retreat from his marriage, from a wife who had lost patience, who was tired of him not sharing a big part of his life with her. A wife who couldn't understand and who, Jack had been sure, wouldn't be able to love him anymore if she ever found out about that hidden side of him. Nina had been the much needed confidant. A substitute where his wife was inadequate, a substitute during the separation. She had never deluded herself that she could be more. But now she wondered what would have happened if Teri had survived that day. If she had had that baby, if Jack had become a father again. Would he have been able to keep his act together? To fix his marriage, to be a loving family father and a federal agent? She knew he had been honest about wanting to try, but in the end, she was sure, he would have been forced to choose between the two. He couldn't have had both. And she wondered what he would have chosen. But now she would never know. He would never know. Besides taking Teri from him, and their unborn child, she had even taken that decision from him, the chance to find out, to succeed or to fail, to devise his own future. It wasn't like she didn't know what she had done to him.
And Tony, Tony hadn't been aware of it, but he had first of all seen himself. As the knight in shining armor, rescuing the damsel in distress. Defending her against rumors and office gossip, protecting her from getting hurt, pitying her for the way Jack had treated her. No, that wasn't fair. Tony had also seen the strong, independent side of her. The competent, hardworking woman, standing up for herself and making it on her own in a man's world. But he had liked the idea of protecting her, of lending her a shoulder to lean on. He had looked for the softness underneath the hard shell and she had delivered.
Nick sometimes reminded her of Tony. Just a little bit but they were both genuinely good guys who - despite their work and their environment, despite everything they had seen - had somehow managed to keep their innocence or at least a part of it. She had accused Nick of being naïve, but later on she had understood that it was this naivety and innocence that she had liked about Tony. And that she liked about Nick now.
I would understand it if you didn't like me, Nick's words suddenly rang out in her mind, followed by her own, mocking reply. Like you? What is this - sixth grade?
The problem was she did like being with him. He was good for her in some way, and maybe she would even miss him.
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Nick sat his name under the evaluation and put the graded paper to the stack of others that had to be send back to their authors. He opened the next file and was about to get started when his stomach reminded him that it was probably time for a lunch break. He glanced at his wristwatch and decided his stomach was right.
Getting up from his desk, he stretched his shoulders and rolled his head first to the right and then to the left side. He had been sitting correcting papers all morning and only now he noticed how stiff he felt. He should go for a walk or something.
Too lazy to cook, he took a pizza carton out of the freezer, ripped it open, and put its content into the microwave. Getting a beer from the fridge, he stood leaning against the kitchen counter. He was actually ahead of his time schedule and if everything went well he would finish the last paper long before Tuesday.
Tuesday, the 7th, 8.55, Gate 14. He would arrive about 17 hours later. He was looking forward to it.
He pushed himself off the counter and took a few steps, letting his gaze wander around his apartment. It was almost ironic: for the first time in years, he had a feeling that he had regained some control over his life, that things were working out for him. And that despite the fact that all his planning depended on someone else's schedule. That the only control he had was whether he got on a plane or not. And even that didn't really feel like much of a choice.
But things were good. He was good. He had a job again, one that he actually liked, and one that allowed him to do all those little trips without anyone asking or even noticing his absence.
About three months ago, he had gotten a phone call from one of the country's most distinguished distance learning institutes. One of the departments needed to fill the position of a lecturer and that as soon as possible. Since he had never applied for any position, Nick had wondered how he had made it on the list of potential candidates and gotten the standard answer that the board of the faculty had come across his work and been impressed. But Nick couldn't shake the feeling that Burton had something to do with it. He had called him up later that day and asked but Burton had denied any involvement on his part.
Listen, Nick, I still think you're wasting your talent and that's a shame. But after all the times he had let him down, it would be insane to recommend him for yet another job now, wouldn't it? Of course, my mistake, Nick had repliedbut been even more convinced. It had been Burton. Not willing to give up on him, the old man had pulled some strings, maybe just mentioned his name to a friend, aware of the weight his word carried.
Well, thank you anyway, Burton, he had said, I appreciate everything you did for me over the years, accepting the other one didn't want any strings to be attached to this. Sure, Burton had replied curtly before hanging up. Good luck with whatever you decide, Nick.
He had accepted the offer and the courses he held were all fully internet based. Most of the time, it didn't matter where he was as long as he was online when he was supposed to be. It was perfect.
Yeah, for now, a voice in the back of his head dampened his enthusiasm. For as long as this will last.
He took a sip from his beer and slumped onto the couch. One day he had to come to his senses. Whatever it was that he had with Nina, it couldn't go on forever. They would have to end it. Or put it to another level.
He jerked up off the couch, startled, scared by the unexpected thought. A forbidden thought. An unthinkable thought. There is no other level! There couldn't be one. It was impossible, not even an option to consider, not even for a second.
He took a few steps towards the window, catching his own vague reflection in the pane.
Hadn't he already passed the point of no return? Everything that had happened – none of it could be undone, none of it forgotten or explained away. Just like the fact that a part of him felt good about it. Enjoyed their arrangement, enjoyed the time spent with her, despite the inner conflict he was struggling with.
You're going to have to pick a side, my friend, he told his reflection. Either you want to play with the bad kids or you should stay home. He had to decide. Either he could live with the fact that a part of him needed the thrill of being with her, of doing something that was wrong, that it felt right, that she felt right – or he had to end it. Accept that the rest of him was stronger, that his conscience didn't allow for any more irresponsible and frankly insane acting. He had to make a decision. He just didn't know how.
The microwave let out a loud beep behind him, announcing his food was done, and he turned around, heaving a sigh of relief. Saved by the bell...