Disclaimer:

None of these characters are mine. All characters from Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and Charmed are the property of Joss Whedon and Aaron Spelling, respectively.

Summary:

Crossover between the Charmed and Buffy universes. Xander tells his story. Ben and Cole have a talk.

Author's Note: I'd like to thank everyone who made suggestions as to how Xander should die. I had a lot of good suggestions. In the end, it seemed that people wanted Xander to have had a noble death. I agree. I had an epiphany one night and thus, Xander's story was born.

Chapter Twenty – Xander's Story

Xander sighed. They were so not going to let this go. He looked at Buffy, Giles, and Willow for support. He sighed again. No support there. "I don't want to go into it. I really don't."

"Xander," Willow looked up at him. "I think you should talk about it. I need to talk about it. I'm not sure I agree with Cole. I understand him, I just don't think I agree."

"Quite, Xander, Willow's quite correct. We need to discuss this. It involves all of us. Additionally, I think if you're going to be spending time with the Halliwells, they'll need to know."

Buffy started to open her mouth. Xander stopped her, holding his hand up. "I give up. But, I really don't want the children to hear."

Willow smiled and nodded. She got up and went to the children. "Come on, kids. Mommy and her friends need to talk. Why don't we start a movie?" Buffy and the boys followed her into the family room.

Xander sighed and sat down. How did he get into these situations? Why can't I just stand up to people? He held his face in his hands and breathed deeply. At least Cole understood, but he'd probably want me to share too. I'm really not in a sharing mood. He looked up. Willow had returned, smiling at him expectantly. He looked 'round the room, everyone was looking at him with the same expression. He took a deep breath. Time to begin.

"Well, it's a long story. You'd have to understand some background first. Buffy, here, fell in love with a guy when she was in high school. He was an older man, you might say."

Buffy laughed out loud. "Oh, yeah. I was 16 and he was 271 years old."

"What!" an outburst came from the other side of the room.

"You heard her right." Xander replied. "The man she loved, Angel was his name, he wasn't even human. He was a vampire. He died in 1753."

"But.." Phoebe burst in. "She's the vampire slayer. He's a vampire. I mean..."

Paige laughed. "Yeah, sure, Phoebe. Let's see, that's like a white witch and a demon, right?"

Pheobe had the grace to blush. She nodded. "Sorry, Xander. But, what does this have to do with your death?"

Xander rolled his eyes. "Just let me finish. Anyway, good ol' Angel had been the baddest of the bad. In the old days, he was called the Scourge of Europe. But, then, in 1898, he was cursed by gypsies. They restored his soul. That doesn't sound so bad, but, hey, they were into vengeance. This way Angel'd be tormented by all the bad things he'd done. Unfortunately, the curse didn't come with a warning label. See, the curse was imperfect. It had a loophole. Apparently, if he had one moment of perfect happiness and wasn't thinking of the guilt and torment, then the soul would leave him."

The girls looked at him confused. He laughed. "Yeah, seems kind of melodramatic, doesn't it? Well, that's what happened. Buffy, here, gave him his one moment of happiness and then all hell broke loose in Sunnydale. You think it was bad before? Angelus, that's what Angel went by in darker times, he likes to play with his food."

The girls looked between each other. They shuddered. They could only imagine what that meant.

"Anyway, I'm not going to go into everything Angel did and what happened. Willow eventually found a way to recurse him. But, everyone knew the potential was there. Eventually, he left Buffy. He knew they couldn't have a life together. He went to LA and became a Champion for the Powers That Be. Don't ask. I'm not sure what they are."

"Avatars." Leo said with disgust.

"So, he's helping evil." Piper filled in.

"NO!" Buffy screamed. "Angel is good. He doesn't just do what they want. They've screwed with him enough."

"Avatars are only interested in a balance. They're not good or evil. However, I wouldn't trust them after what they've done to us."

"Can I continue?" Xander interrupted. They all nodded. "Anyway, a lot has happened since then. Angel has fought for good. He has destroyed evil. He's saved the world. But, it's a toll. Always being on your guard. Well, about the time we met Cole, we went back to help find Angel after this last big battle he'd had. Pretty intense from what I hear. Buffy and he got back together. Not physically. They just decided they wanted to be together. We stayed together. Cole and Willow married and had kids. Then about a year ago, we were all talking about the curse. Willow really wanted to find a cure – a way to get rid of the loophole. That's when Cole dropped his bombshell. There was a way, but it was dangerous. He didn't think we'd want to pay the price."

"Naturally, I was suspicious. I liked Cole. I liked his kids. But he was still a demon and I wasn't' sure. But the girls wanted to know, we all wanted to know. He said that what was needed was a willing mortal sacrifice. That there was a very old ritual in which a soul could be cemented to a non-mortal with the willing blood sacrifice of a mortal."

Leo and the girls gasped in horror. My God! Paige thought. How could he? For a vampire? "But... why? You don't even seem to act like this vampire, do you?"

Xander laughed. "Deadboy? Hell, no! Can't stand him."

"But, why?"

"I'm getting to that. I didn't agree right away. I really didn't want to do it. Especially when he explained how the ritual would go. It wasn't fun. The sacrifice would have his heart removed while he was still alive, and it would be fed to the vampire."

"Ugh!" "Eeeww!" "Gross!"

Xander laughed. "Right. Not something I was looking forward to. I'm really not into pain. Especially as messy as this was going to be. But, there weren't many candidates. It had to be a mortal. It was really down to me and Giles. Everyone else wasn't mortal. A demon, a witch, a slayer, all non-mortal. I had decided not to do it. I really didn't think that Giles was considering it either."

Giles shook his head. "No, certainly not. I had eliminated it as a possibility. I hadn't thought that anyone was considering it. Imagine my surprise later."

Xander nodded his head. "Exactly, I really hadn't considered it at all. But, later, I just started thinking it over. I knew that Angel was good. That he did good. I also knew that together Buffy and Angel were unbeatable. What couldn't they do if the curse was gone? This really started to prey on me. Not to mention, to permanently imprison Angelus! That was an attractive idea. He was really the only thing that ever intimidated Buffy."

"Hey!" Buffy objected. "I sent Angelus to hell if you remember!"

"That doesn't mean it was easy! How many people died before you could kill him?"

"Xander! That's enough! I think we understand what you meant. Why don't you continue? I think the Halliwells are still a little lost."

"Oh, I'm way past lost." Piper put in.

"So, I thought and thought about it. Finally, I went to Cole. I needed to know what would really happen. I needed to know how good it would work. And, I wanted to know if I would lose my soul... I guess I needed to know everything. By this point, I was really considering it."

"I don't understand, how could you consider giving up your life, maybe your soul, for a creature of evil? He may be doing good now, but you can't just turn..."

"You don't get it, Paige. Angel is the soul... Angelus is the demon. No matter how much I'd like to blame Angel, he didn't do those things. All his acts as Angelus torment him. Anyway I really began to think about this. Then, I talked to Cole. He explained about the pain I would suffer, that there was nothing that could take that away. However, I wouldn't be condemned for my actions. He said unless there was something really bad in my past that he didn't know about, that I would move on to There. Of course, he didn't make it sound like a good thing."

Leo smiled. They all knew about Cole's opinion of the celestial world.

"So you made your decision?" Paige asked.

"Yes," Xander nodded. "I decided in the end it was the best thing. I felt that I would be doing something that would help. Not just help Buffy and Angel, that was just a fringe benefit. I thought that the world would be better off. He could be a champion without fear of losing his soul."

"He couldn't have been that good if he just let you do it. I mean, he'd have to tear your heart out and eat it."

"No, not exactly." Willow replied with her head held low. "I took his heart out."

Willow began to weep. Xander rushed up to her. "Will, Will, stop. I asked you to. It was my decision! Damn it! What do I have to do to convince you?"

"Xander." Giles interrupted. "Yes, you decided. That's right. But, it doesn't change the fact. Buffy and I held you, Willow cut out your heart, and Angel ate it. Every last one of us has our own share of guilt and responsibility in this. That can't be changed. That can't be ignored. You can't change that."

The girls and Leo exchanged a look. How horrible! How could they have possibly done that to a friend? How? And was this Angel at all worth it? It didn't seem right. Leo, for his own part, had finally come to a realization. That's why the Elders treated Xander the way they did. He made what the Elders called a sublime sacrifice. White lighters like this were very rare. And, they always had special responsibilities – far beyond the garden variety white lighters like him. There were far more serious duties than guiding witches and healing mortals. He began to look at Xander with a new level of respect and awe. What would he do in the future?

"Why?" Piper asked them. "Why didn't you just say no. I don't think I could've let someone I love do it."

Buffy, Willow, and Giles looked at them. They nodded. "It wasn't our first choice. In the end, Xander just wouldn't let us say no."

"They're right." Xander interjected. "In the end, Angel was the hardest to convince. It took days to convince all of them. I eventually convinced Angel by saying it was my death against all those that Angelus would kill the next time he got loose. Angel agreed because he knew that it was just a matter of time before that happened again."

Paige shook her head in disbelief. She stood up and went to Xander's side. "I don't understand, Xander. But, I'm very impressed. In one way, you are right. A sacrifice like that shouldn't be second guessed or disrespected. I'm sorry you did it. I know that I could never do that. I think you're incredible." Paige broke down into tears. She didn't know why she was weeping, but she just couldn't stop.

Xander looked down in surprise. He grabbed the girl and held her. "Thank you, Paige. Thank you."

Buffy and Willow rushed up to Xander and grabbed him in a big hug. Paige reluctantly extricated herself from Xander and stepped back. They looked at the three of them. Piper walked quietly back to the kitchen. She silently motioned to Leo and her sisters. They needed to be alone. It was a family moment and they were a family. She still didn't believe Xander's sacrifice. She still didn't really understand him. But she did understand family.

Cole's Study

Cole knew what was going on out there. Xander would have to tell his story. He understood Xander's sacrifice. He respected it. However, he was just as guilty (if not more) as the others. Perhaps he shouldn't have told them. He became aware of Ben fidgeting in his seat. "Well, Ben, what's so important? Do you want a drink?"

Ben smiled. He loved this. Daddy treated just like any other adult. He knew other kids didn't get treated like this. He nodded. Cole poured a ginger ale for Ben and a brandy for himself. It had been a horrid day. Handing the drink to Ben, he sat down and looked at his son intently.

"It's mommy, daddy. She scared me. I think those people did it to her. They put a spell on her or something."

Cole smiled. "Why do you think that, Ben?"

"They're witches. I can tell. Mommy was okay until they got here."

Cole took a deep breath. He needed to explain this carefully. He didn't want Ben to go on a vendetta against the Halliwells. That could lead to disaster. "Now, Ben, you are right – they are witches. But, they, number one, don't have enough power to hurt mommy. Number two, daddy is the reason mommy changed. Daddy was hurt. He couldn't answer mommy's call. You remember, I couldn't answer you either. Mommy just went a little crazy when she couldn't talk to me. That other mommy you saw. Well, she's part of mommy just like... well, just like the demon is part of daddy. That part of us can always take over, but only if we let it. Mommy was so upset she couldn't stop it. Do you understand?"

Ben thought about this. It made a little sense, but he still wanted to blame the other witches. He didn't know why, he just didn't like them. The boys seemed okay, and he liked the man Leo, but the witches they were different... "I don't know, daddy. I just don't trust them."

Cole chuckled. Like father, like son. "Ben I'm not asking you to trust them. I'm just asking that you take my word that they didn't change mommy. Now, I need to ask you a question."

Ben nodded and leaned forward in interest. "Ben, how did you feel when Dark Mommy was here? Were you just scared? Or was there something else?"

Ben looked at his feet. He knew! Oh, no! What can I do? Buffy didn't feel it. I asked her. "Ben.." His daddy continued. "I need to know. It's important. Very important."

Ben nodded and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry daddy. I didn't like it. It's got to be bad. But, I didn't mean to..."

Damn! Cole swore silently. I was afraid of this. Ben was always more his child than Buffy. He didn't know why this was. Maybe the witch was stronger in Buffy. "Ben, stop. Please just tell me what it was. You're not in trouble. I just need to know what you felt. Please."

"Well, I was excited. Part of me liked dark mommy. It made me feel excited – I don't really know what it was. It scared me. 'Cause I'm sure it was wrong. I didn't like the feeling it gave me."

Ben bowed his head. His daddy lifted his chin. "Ben, it's okay. That was the demon. It gets excited by the dark magic that your mommy uses. And, when she changed, there was more of the dark magic. That's what daddy first felt when he was around your mommy. It's very... well, it's very... I guess the best term is delicious to your demon self."

Ben looked up into his daddy's eyes. Yes! That made sense. But... "Daddy, why didn't Buffy feel it?"

Cole smiled at his son. He was always so very intelligent. "That's very good, Ben. Everyone's different, you see. I think the reason is that Buffy's got more witch than you, and you have more demon. I'm sorry, I suppose if you had a different mommy and..."

Cole didn't get it out. Ben cried out and jumped onto him. He was upset. Very upset. "No, daddy, no! Don't say that! I don't want another mommy or daddy! Never!"

Cole smiled and hugged his son. He'd have to watch him closely, but he always knew that. But, this response showed him that his son had plenty of humanity as well. This boy could never been a product of the Underworld.