Disclaimer:
None of these characters are mine. All characters from Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and Charmed are the property of Joss Whedon and Aaron Spelling, respectively.
Summary:
Crossover between the Charmed and Buffy universes. Phoebe needs some answers; she decides to use an old spell to get some answers.
Author's Note:
Thanks to all the great reviews I've gotten, especially all the lovely comments about my interpretation of the Xander character. This chapter was not originally intended to be included in my story. However, I felt that I should add a Phoebe-centric chapter, especially after all the comments I've received on my characterization of Phoebe. Hope everyone had a beautiful holiday season and good luck in the New Year!
Chapter Twenty-One – Phoebe's Face-Off
Phoebe walked into the attic very, very disturbed. She didn't know what to think of the Turner household – and especially not of Xander's sacrifice. It was just so hard to imagine doing such a thing – and for a vampire of all things! She shook her head and sat in the rocking chair. She had so much to think about. She just didn't know what to think. Cole married. Cole married and happy. Cole married and happy with two beautiful kids. That could've been her. Did she do the right thing? It seemed so at the time. But, how it hurt! She had always felt he was her Prince Charming. Why? And, if he wasn't, where was HER Prince Charming, if Cole wasn't it?
She sighed. She hated feeling like this. She liked to be sure of herself. Why wasn't life like fighting demons? Why was it she could answer other people's love problems, but she could never figure out her own?
She rose quickly and went to stare out the window. Cole had been the Source. He had been going to kill her sisters. He had been evil. Okay, so he hadn't asked to be the Source. Still, had there been any other choice? She shook her head. No. There hadn't. How could she choose between the man she loved and her sisters. And, to tell the truth, he hadn't really been the man she loved, not at that point.
No, she sighed, THIS Cole was more like the man she fell in love with. Yet he loved HER. Phoebe chucked sadly to herself. She wanted to hate her SO bad. But she didn't. She was at a loss. She really didn't know which way was up right now. She needed guidance. She thought of her sisters. No, that wouldn't do. She KNEW what they would say. There was Leo or – UGH! - Xander. No, that was no good either. Leo always seems a little dense about things like this. And, Xander, they just didn't get along. What's more, he LIKED Cole. No, he's not the one to ask. Who's that leave? The boys? She shook her head and chuckled. No, not likely.
What she needed to do is think this through logically. One problem, Pheebs, she thought to herself. You are not a logical person. Never have been. She needed help from someone who understood her point of view. Ha! She laughed out loud. How many people have an demon ex-husband who was the former Source of Evil? How many other non-demon Queens of the Underworld have there been? Yes, that particular list is bound to be quite short. Maybe, she thought, she could find another witch who had been in love with a demon. Hmmmm. However, I also need her to have pushed her demon lover away, killed him, and then found him alive and happy with a new wife and family. Once again, a VERY short list.
He was supposed to be my soul mate! How can your soul mate move on? A thought niggled at the back of her brain. Because he was never YOUR soul mate.
Phoebe went back to the chair and held her hands in her head. What can I do? She sat upright! That's it! I can ask me! That's perfect. Future Phoebe can help me... Oh, hell, she thought in disgust. Future Phoebe is probably STILL a bitter old woman and a pain in an ass. She'll probably tell me I dress like a tramp again. No, she shook her head. It's different now. It HAS to be different. She didn't know Willow... or did she? Ooooohh! Phoebe hated all this alternate future garbage. It just made her head pound. Future Chris. Did everything work out for him? She sniffed loudly. They didn't know. They wouldn't know for around twenty years. Although, she thought, she didn't think Wyatt could become evil with that Xander around. No matter what he thinks of her, he really cares for those boys.
I wonder... She thought about Xander. He'd gone through a lot of stuff. Did he ever have one of those future world things like they had had? Maybe she could talk to him about some stuff. She shivered. She'd have to be really nice. He always snapped at her. Still, he'd been through a lot. Leo had told them a little about this hellmouth thing. That sounded much worse that anything the Underworld had ever spit out. No! Xander couldn't help AND he'd just tell HER. It was obvious where his loyalty lay.
She leaned back in the chair, looking up at the ceiling. So, what am I to do? I can't just go on like this. I need to know... I HAVE TO KNOW. She got up, firm in her decision. She rooted around for a scrap of paper and got to writing out her question. She would cast the spell again. Hopefully, she thought, young Phoebe won't show up. That'd really put a crimp in it. If she found out about what Cole did... or what happens later... Phoebe frowned. I really hate this damn future crap! She thought in frustration. It's just too damn confusing.
Maybe she shouldn't cast the spell. There were too many things that could go wrong. Like last time, little Phoebe almost got killed by a demon. Can't risk that. She looked down at what she had written.
Will I be happy? No. she thought and crossed it out. Too vague.
Will I get married and have children? Once again, she shook her head and crossed it out. Not the right thing to ask, I could get married and have children and STILL be miserable.
Will I fall in love? Again, stupid question. She snorted. She was ALWAYS falling in love! She tore up the piece of paper and looked for another.
"AAAAARRRGGHHH!" She screamed in frustration. "Hell, I ought to just use a Magic 8 Ball. Or maybe some of those candy hearts."Just then, she noticed somebody was orbing into the room. Leo! Great just what I need, she thought. However, she was surprised to see when the lights formed Xander. She looked at him suspiciously.
He was carrying a Ben & Jerry's container. What? He's come up here to sneak some ice cream, she thought in confusion. He looked at her and smiled. "Hey."
She raised an eyebrow. "Hi. What's with the Ben & Jerry's? Didn't get enough to eat?"
"Huh? No, no. Your sister's really great at fattening you up. I just hope that white lighters don't gain weight too easily." He joked. She laughed despite her bad mood. She'd never thought about that. Do they? He handed the container and spoon over to her. "I went out and got it for you. I figured you'd be feeling kind of out of sorts. I have it on good authority that this is a killer flavor."
She smiled and took the container from him. She looked at the label. She shivered in delight. Karamel Sutra™! Heaven. If this didn't help her think, nothing would. She opened the container, dropping the lid carelessly on the floor. Putting the first spoon in her mouth, she sighed in unadulterated ecstasy. Man, it's even better than it sounds. She looked at Xander. He's a lot nicer than I thought, maybe he doesn't really hate me.
"You know, Phoebe, I don't really hate you." She giggled at the echo of her own thoughts. "I know I've acted pretty rude. I'm sorry. All I can say is you remind me of my ex-girlfriend and that always makes me a little rude."
"Bad breakup, huh?" Phoebe asked between bites of delicious chocolate, caramel, and fudge chips. Damn, this is good! Whoever made this surely isn't human. It tastes absolutely sinful. Maybe it was created by a demon, maybe I should ask Cole. At the thought of Cole, her heart contracted.
Xander chuckled, watching her savor the ice cream. If there's one way to a woman's heart, it's chocolate. "Yeah, well, it was mostly my fault. I made some stupid mistakes. I should have a PhD in making stupid mistakes by now." Phoebe giggled, her mouth full. "Actually I wanted to let you know that we have something in common."
Phoebe looked at him expectantly. He smiled sheepishly at her. "Yeah, we were both engaged to demons. Well, an ex-demon actually."
Phoebe looked up in surprise. Really? This guy's life should be made into a soap opera. As the Hellmouth Turns. The Demons of Our Lives. She giggled again.
Xander looked at her, his eyes questioning. "Nothing," she said. "I was just thinking of what to call your life it it was a soap opera. As the Hellmouth Turns. The Demons of Our Lives."
Xander laughed. "Hey, that's good. You could call yours All My Spells and they'd show the Book of Shadown in the opening credits."
They laughed together. She remembered what he had been saying. "So, I remind you of a demon?"
"No Cordelia was just a bitch. Anya, my ex-fiancée, she was the ex-demon. Ex-Vengeance Demon, to be exact."
"Oh, well, Cole was an ex-demon when we got engaged. If Anya had beena demon again, would you have married her?"
Xander shrugged. "Don't know. I didn't actually marry her anyway. I made another Xander-level stupid mistake. I left her at the altar. Not smart. She got angry and became a vengeance demon. Luckily, they can't curse someone for their own vengeance. It's one of their rules."
Phoebe was confused. She'd never heard of a vengeance demon before. He made it sound like they were in a union or something. "Never heard of them."
"Well, just take it from me, if you meet someone who wants you to make a wish – DON'T!"
"Be careful what you wish for – you may get it?"
"Yep! Exactly. Anyway, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I've sort of been there. Not exactly. But, I know how it feels to be super jealous of someone and to think they've made the wrong choice. It's just, in my experience, dwelling on it means you won't see what you really could have until it's gone." He frowned. "Oh, that SO did not make sense."
Phoebe giggled. This guy was starting to grow on her. She smiled at him. "Thanks, but I don't think it'll be that easy. I don't really think ahead. I seem to be better at reacting with my gut than my head."
He smiled and nodded. "Been there. Done that."
"Xander?" Phoebe started nervously. "Did you really think long and hard about the sacrifice?"
"Yes, I did. How are you feeling? About this whole Cole and Willow thing? I know it probably hurts."
She lowered her head. Her voice dropped as she answered him. "It does. I don't know what to do. I feel like... Well, what if I made a mistake? What if there had been another answer? I just can't stop thinking about things. I've never had another relationship like the one with Cole. I compare every man I meet to him."
"You compare them to the IDEA of Cole. You had a wonderful relationship. You had this whole soul mates thing going. But, you can't live like that. In the end, the loneliness, the hole in your heart will have to be filled by something. If you don't let go, you won't be open to new possibilities. The hole will feel with bitterness or something worse."
"But I NEED to know!" She cried, her voice breaking with emotion. "I just NEED to know that everything will work out."
"You can't. The future is unwritten... every day we make decisions that change things."
"I could cast a spell..." Phoebe began, she could hardly believe what she was doing. The ice cream must be loosening her tongue.
"Whoa! Back off. That is SO not what you should do. Magic doesn't help in situations like this. It'll backfire on you." Xander paled at the thought. She really was better at reacting than thinking.
"No! I have to do it." She moved forward to the Book of Shadows.
"Wait! What are you planning?"
"I'm going to summon my future self. She'll tell me..."
"What? What will she tell you? Even if she tells you what happens, it won't be your life. It will be your POTENTIAL future life. Please..."
Phoebe broke down in tears. She had to know... she had to. She felt Xander's arms go around her, holding her close. He was talking to her as he would to child. There was nothing but just the feeling of a man trying to calm a frantic child. What would she do?
"I just want to..."
"Stop, Phoebe, stop. You need to have faith in yourself. If you can't find the faith to believe in yourself, then you've already lost. Please, Phoebe, I'll help you. But, you have to take the first step.."
Xander moved back and stood up. He backed up to the doorway and held his hand out. "Can you do that, Phoebe? Will you take the first step?"
She looked up into his eyes. She wanted to believe in him. She so wanted to...
Xander saw the indecision in her eyes. He sighed. I'm not HER white lighter, he thought. Still, someone had to help her. "Phoebe, I want to help, but it does have to be YOUR decision. You have your whole life ahead of you. Every day you make decisions. Every decision shapes your future. Casting the spell and NOT casting the spell have different outcomes. Just ask yourself this, what advice would you give yourself? What would you say if someone with your story asked for advice? Listen, I'll be downstairs. You make up your mind. I trust you."
And, with that, he left her alone with herself, her thoughts, and the Book of Shadows in the attic. She groaned audibly. She moved towards the Book. She looked down at her hands. They were shaking. Her entire body was shaking. What would she say? She put her head in her hands and wept heavily. She wept and she wept. Her back was convulsing with her sobs.
An hour passed by, Phoebe walked downstairs. She went into the family room, where Xander was watching the new series of Survivor. This year it was set north of the Arctic Circle. Xander looked at her and smiled. Pointing at the tv, he sighed. "You know, I'm waiting for Survivor: Hellmouth. Now, that'd be interesting."
She laughed and sat down next to him. "I'm scared."
He nodded. "Well, life isn't supposed to be easy. If it was, I would've asked for a refund."