Summary: The story of "Chain of Command" as told from Dr. Crusher's POV.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns it, I have fun with it. I promise I won't make any money off of it!
From the Inside, Out
Chapter Five
In Sickbay, I can't lie down, I'm too restless. I don't deserve the comfort of a bed. So I sit on the edge of the biobed. I'm still staring into nothingness, but this time I'm not lost in thoughts, simply averting my eyes. I can't stand to see the pain on everyone's faces. Jean-Luc was like a father to most of them, they all loved him. That's why no one else felt comfortable calling him Jean-Luc. I bet if he had said, "Please, call me Dad" they could have made that adjustment no problem. Ha. That would be a sight: Riker on the bridge calls for him in the ready room, "Daddy, the planet is up on the main viewscreen". Oh! Or even better, in the observation lounge, Data: "Daddy, the chances of their survival at this ti...Oh. Survival. The word shoots me back to reality. Jean-Luc. Maybe alive, maybe not...maybe wishing he was dead. Those Cardassians scare the crap out of me. I've only heard stories, mere gossip about what they do to their captives. Jean-Luc! Oh gods, keep him safe. I would do anything, give anything to switch places. To keep you safe.
Selar is scanning me, noting that I do, in fact, have a minor concussion, and a whole lot of bruising. Hmm, I was wrong. I didn't think the cave-in was bad enough to actually give me a concussion. I thought I was right about my own head, but I was wrong. I was wrong to go on this mission, I know nothing. I was unworthy. Starfleet made the wrong decision. I made the wrong decision...and now Jean-Luc is suffering. Wrong, wrong wrong. He should be here, not me.
Jellico enters the sickbay. He looks around for a moment, slightly confused, then finds where I'm sitting and walks over. Clearly, he hasn't spent the time to really know this ship. I'm sitting upon the bed where all new patients end up. Jean-Luc knew that...Riker knew that. I have no interest in getting to know...or even being nice to this man. Something about the fact that Jellico has no idea that I hate him makes me hate him more.
He begins asking me to report: in other words, review what the hell went wrong. I speak very briefly, not wanting to bother them with details...except those of the trap itself. I tell them everything I saw...and after I describe escaping the lab, Worf describes the rest: how he called to Jean-Luc, but Jean was so busy fighting, he couldn't break free to escape. I know that tears are welling up in my eyes again.
Jellico, obviously uncomfortable with the intense emotions in the room, tells me to take the rest of the day off to write out the report. As fast as he can, he's out the door. Coward, Idiot. I'm glad he's gone.
Deanna, clearly seeing that I need a distraction, offers to walk me to my quarters. I accept and we begin walking. She talks to entire way there: sometimes I'm so glad she's an empath. She could surely sense how hard this is hitting me. I need her so much right now. Wait, stop. Do I really want to adopt Dee as my new best friend? Wasn't she already my best friend? No, Jean-Luc was. He was the one I went to when I was in pain, or when I just couldn't sleep. I had lunches with Dee, dinners with Jean. I can't replace him: not this fast. Do I even deserve the comfort of a friend right now?
Dee's describing what happened on the ship while I was gone. Carla had her baby. I'm disappointed that I couldn't have delivered him myself. Oh well, I see why De would start with this news: new life, hope...joy. I'm happy for Carla, I smile...half-heartedly. Dee then goes on to describe the tension between Jellico and Riker...wow. It must've been pretty bad: Riker's been relieved of duty. This is nightmarish. Only Jean-Luc can solve this mess. What will Riker do if Jean doesn't come home? He couldn't go to another ship, could he? And leave Deanna? No, Jean-Luc IS coming home. We can still save him. I will still save him. Even if I have to resign from Starfleet, even if I have to sleep with a damned Ferengi. I will find you Jean. I love you too much to lose you.
Deanna leaves me at the door to my quarters. I enter. It's dark. I'm alone. I'm (finally) alone? Alone. Alone. I fall against my couch and sob from the depths of my broken heart.