Summary: The story of "Chain of Command" as told from Dr. Crusher's POV.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns it, I have fun with it. I promise I won't make any money off of it!
Author's Note: Hello again! Just to warn, this chapter's a lot shorter than the others, and a little darker, but I am still deeming the content worthy of its own chapter. As always, reviews are the world's greatest thing :)
From the Inside, Out
Chapter Six
"Jellico to Dr. Crusher" My communicator sounds, rousing me from my dreams. I wake, I answer, I've been returned to duty. "Thank you," I respond, "Crusher out".
So it's back to work. Has it really been a full day since I returned from the mission? I try to shake the lingering sleep from my mind...try to recall what I did yesterday. Well, looking around, I must have fallen asleep on the couch...I guess I never made it to the bed. Have I let Worf get to me? Have I deemed myself unworthy of a bed? Yes, I suppose I have. In fact, I haven't let my head hit a pillow since that day. Oh gods, what the hell am I complaining about. Remember Jean? You know that supposed "best friend" of yours that you left to die? Jean-Luc. Where are you? What is happening to you? I've been home for a day, and all I've done is feel sorry for myself. I need to get up. I need to start...searching...no, not searching. I know where he is-still on that planet...Celtris III. I need to start convincing...start fighting. I don't care what happens to me. Get up. Get up.
I shower, I dress, and I'm about to leave my quarters for breakfast. Wait. Where am I going? My sub-conscious reveals it's destination to me: to Jean-Luc's quarters. Damn. My eyes water up. I can't start this again. I'll just leave. I'll skip breakfast. I'll eat something in my office. No, I won't...I'll skip it entirely. That meal is tainted with memories of him...Tainted? tainted? His phantom presence tainting my lonely day? No, not tainted. That's negative. Never for him. Jean-Luc is not negative. He is the centre of my positive. Remember that. Keep that in mind. It's unhealthy to skip breakfast.
I eat alone. Alone again...alone still...always alone. I decide on a simple earth-apple. I replicate a knife and begin slicing into its flesh with the blade. Briefly, oh, ever so briefly, holding the knife tightly, looking at my bare arm in front of me...I consider giving up on the apple and slicinginto my own flesh. I deserve to bleed. I deserve pain. I need to end the lonliness.
No.
I drop the apple and leave my quarters. I need to get away from myself NOW.