Summary: The story of "Chain of Command" as told from Dr. Crusher's POV.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns it, I have fun with it. I promise I won't make any money off of it!
Author's Note: Hellew! I figured I'd post this at the same time as the prvious chapter because its so darn short! Not to mention the fact that I forgot to thank my reviewers in the last chapter. The feedback to is encouraging...thank you. Anyways, on with the show!
From the Inside, Out
Chapter Seven
Having returned from Will's quarters, I sit in contemplation. It's been three days since I've returned from the mission...five days since I've seen Jean-Luc...oh my Jean. Where are you? What are they doing to you? Stop, stop. Don't go down this path Bev. You'll end up drowning in a pool of blame. Deanna's right. Self-loathing will get me nowhere. What if? What if is useless. Ok, ok. Think of something else. Will...my conversation with Will.
Will tells me that Jellico has asked him to drive a shuttlecraft through some sort of asteroid belt. Ha. That proud stupid ape had to ask Will for help. I bet he felt foolish. I was not really surprised to discover that Geordi had been the one to suggest Riker as the pilot: Well, firstly, because Will really IS the best there is...but mostly because Geordi is such a subtle peacemaker like that. I admire his calmness, his kindness... I envy his ability to speak nicely with Jellico. I still haven't been able to.
Maybe I'm just too used to privilege...Jean-Luc used to listen to my opinions, this ass does not. Like the other day when Jellico was asking me to prep sickbay for his stupid needless battle...I snapped at him. I feel slightly embarrassed at the memory...but I've snapped at Jean like that dozens of times...and what did he always do? He took me into his ready room, and asked me what was wrong. He knew that I was upset for a reason, and we worked through it. He cared about me...he listened to me not only as an officer, but as a close friend. He made me feel proud of expressing my opinion instead of belittling my emotionalism. When I snapped at Jellico he treated me like a baby...what did he say? That's right doctor...gods, I felt so foolish.
I miss everything about having Jean-Luc around...I know everyone else does too. I love being in love with such a wonderful man. I feel so proud of him all the time. I know I could go anywhere in Federation space and people would know him...Jean-Luc Picard. I would love to be his wife. Mme Picard. Beverly Picard. Mmmmm, has a nice ring to it doesn't it. We could both be so happy. I'm not too old, we could still have a family...maybe when Wes gets his commission we could request to...Wait...wait. This isn't right. Jean will probably hate me for leaving him. He'll probably never speak to me again.
No, no. Stop. It'll be alright. No self-loathing. Back to Will, back to thinking about something else. I mentioned this fear to Will. That Jean would blame me for whatever the Cardassians did to him. Will responded with an awkward silence. Does he resent me for what happened too? Of course he does. I admitted my guilt in the shuttle bay, I admitted it in sickbay. Dozens of ensigns must have overheard me. The whole bloody ship probably knows by now. What did I say? "I couldn't save him"...what a baby I was: all teary eyes. They are right to hate me, I deserve to be hated. They loved him, and I left him. Oh gods, are we here again Bev? Hating yourself gets nothing done. Why the hell did I say anything to Will anyways? Odan. That's why. I guess a little part of me still sees him in Will. I mean, I made love to Will's body. I've seen his bedroom eyes. I've felt his touch, his hand caressing my face as his entire body...But it wasn't him. It was Odan. Gods, everything was so simple with Odan. I could love him, and he loved me. Wait, what am I saying. He was a symbiote within a shell of flesh. It wasn't simple at all. Not even an iota of simplicity. Am I feeling that hopeless about my love for Jean-Luc that I would prefer my situation with Odan? Wow.
Ok, ok Bev. That's enough...it's time to go to bed. Must be ready for work tomorrow. Gods, why am I even pretending to be fine? I'm sure my staff knows I'm not: I've turned into the Ice Queen. Completely shut off. Alyssa...I snapped at her today for no damn reason. She followed me into my office telling me about...what the hell was she saying? Oh I don't even remember...that's terrible. Ok, bed. Calmness, breathing...listen to my heart beat. Tomorrow will be better.