Summary: The story of "Chain of Command" as told from Dr. Crusher's POV.

Disclaimer: Paramount owns it, I have fun with it. I promise I won't make any money off of it!

From the Inside, Out

Chapter Nine
Will Riker and I beam down to the planet ten minutes late as per Jellico's instructions. Something about showing strength in the face of the enemy or something...I hate that man. It's ridiculous: that's ten more minutes that Jean-Luc could be in pain...ten more minutes on the cold metal floor. Shhh, it doesn't matter: it's done now. I'm just glad to finally be here. The morning had been the most torturous time of my life. Tortorus...that even a word? It doesn't matter. It's the only word to describe how I feel. Torture. I feel like my insides are being squeezed in the grips of a giant fist that has entered through my stomach and is twisting around everything inside of me and pulling and...

I feel elated that Jean is coming home..but I also feel terrible that I put him here in the first place. It should have been me...but it wasn't, and now it will all be over. If he hates me once the dust has settled, I'll understand. I'll bow out gracefully. Ha, Pulaski has been dieing to come back anyways. Ok, ok. Time to be serious. Just think of Jean-Luc as a patient now. Just a patient...I can't love him right now. Ok.

Will and I coldly greet the Cardassian waiting for us at the beam-down point. I clench my teeth, squeeze my fists...you bastard. If Jean is hurt at all...

The Cardassian leads us down a hallway towards...well, I don't actually know where we're going at all. The walls around us are all metal: cold, grey, dark. I suppress a chill as we walk through the labyrinth of angular hallways. The floor...Jean-Luc probably slept on this hard metal floor. Lent against these cold walls for momentary comfort in between torture sessions. Oh gods. Please let him be ok.

Already I feel the lump building in my throat. I fight it with everything in me. No. I am a professional. I will NOT give into my personal...I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor. Act like a professional dammit. You idiot, wimp...deep breaths. Almost there.

Walking, walking...this is the longest hallway I've ever seen in my life. Will is slowing down so that he now walks beside me. He's looking me straight in the eyes. What's in his gaze? Fear, concern...I respond by projecting a look of worry. Apparently, Will's forgotten that he blames me for this whole thing...for the moment. Must be one of those desperate clinging-to-someone-familiar sort of things. I don't blame him, in an environment like this...

Finally at the end of the hallway. We stand in front of an intimidatingly large door. And we stop...and we wait...and I'm holding my breath...and we wait. I feel like I might vomit. I want to hold Will's hand. I want to go home. I want to bring Jean-Luc home and begin to heal and get this whole damn thing over with.

What's that? The sound of metal...in motion: the door's opening. Please let him be there...please let him be...

I feel joy throughout my entire body: Jean Luc. There he is. Jean. The man I love. No, shit, no. My captain: my patient. He is pale; his normally strong stature has crumpled slightly...exhaustion, no doubt. He has deep circles under his eyes. He must be five or ten pounds thinner...or had he lost that when he trimmed down to prepare for this mission in the first place? I can't remember: my mind is completely in this moment.

He shuffles out, two Cardassian guards shoving him with the backs of their weapons. His face shows that this doesn't really upset him: that maybe he's used to it. I want to run over, lift him up, hold him, help him, kiss him...beat the crap out of those guards. I hold myself back.

Jean-Luc looks up, and sees, for the first time, who has come down to...greet? No...save? No, not that either...who has come down to retrieve him. Will steps in towards his captain. This is so painful to just stand back and watch...but I refuse to be emotional. I hold myself back. As Will walks forward, the battered Jean-Luc Picard wipes the pain from his face and strengthens his posture as best he can. I want to cry. Jean draws his lips up into the semblance of a smile and whispers, "Good to see you Number One". A stray tear slips down my face, but I refuse to acknowledge it. Will smiles back brightly, replying, "Good to see you too, sir." I can see the instant change in Will: the sort-of "thank god Dad's ok" expression.

Jean-Luc passes by Will to stand next to me. My heart is pounding so hard. I want to reach out and hold him...but I know that he would only resent the gesture. It would show too much weakness in front of the Cardassians...and perhaps more importantly, in front of Will. What do you want from me Jean? It's okay, he's here, he'll call the shots.

He moves to stand beside me, looking forward, away from me, as he speaks: "Hello Doctor".

Doctor. Doctor? How can he use my professional term? How can he treat me like just an officer? I love him! Maybe he hates me. Maybe he does blame me for everything that's happened. Maybe this is a clone again and the real Jean-Luc is still trapped behind those doors that are starting to close and lock him in and...

As Will turns away to contact the transporter room, Jean-Luc slowly grabs my hand and squeezes with all the strength he can muster. What? What is this now? He was waiting for a private moment (?). Deanna's words come rushing into my brain "The captain is a very private man"...He is leaning in. Should I move to kiss him? Is he going for my ear? I'll stand still. He's in control. If he wants my lips, he'll move my head. But he's very tired, too...everything he's been through...

Before I have time to decide he begins whispering into my ear. His lips are just barely on my skin. My heart is exploding inside, outside, all around. My skin crawls in anticipation, and my everything is swirling. He says: "Thank god you're ok." And then begins to move his head away.

Me? Me. He's been worried about me this whole time. He would have had no idea that Worf and I got out safely. But he didn't say "Thank god you and Worf got out ok" he just said me. Maybe I mean more than just...I feel tremendously guilty. He's been suffering, hurting, fighting and worrying over me while I simply rested, waited, hoped and agonized over him. What a beautiful man. That must be love. To think of me first...

I want to tell him this. I want to cry with him. But what does he need right now? Should I stick with Will's optimism? Should I try to be cute? Is this really the time? Stop it. Stop over-analyzing and say something. Just go with it.

I squeeze Jean-Luc's hand and lean in. Make it so my lips just brush slightly against his ear. He shivers with what I hope is joy...or expectation. I smile against his skin and whisper: "Back at ya". Hoping I can express my concern without seeming mundane...drear.

As I back away from our momentary contact, I see him smile. I look up and feel Jean-Luc releasing my hand just as Will turns back to face us. If Jean had his tunic on right now, he would be straightening it. I lock my hands behind my back and try to exude an air of professionalism. I can't let Will Riker know that I feel like a schoolgirl inside.

Will walks over to stand beside us. Funny: not a look of judgement on his face. I guess his captain can do no wrong...or maybe he knows how I feel and is happy for me to have had the moment...Those playful blue eyes of his always seem to hold more knowledge than one may think...

The three of us, in a line: ready for transport. Jean-Luc does not even seem hindered by the obvious battering that his body has taken. He stands as straight as the rest of us. Is it possible that I love him more now than I did five minutes ago? His strong-face can only last so long, remember. After that...healing. Crying. Nightmares...again.

We are being beamed up to the ship. In the last few seconds before the Cardassian prison shimmers out of existence, I realize that I never even pulled out my tricorder. Some professional I turned out to be.