The Worst YYH Fanfiction Ever
A YYH fanfiction (parody!) by Sir Psycho Sexy
A/N: Before I get started with this chapter, I apologize for being away from FF.N for a while. I had to do a lot of other things, so I apologize for leaving my readers with a distinct absence of badfic-induced crack fiction.
Also, this story contains Mpreg!Kurama, SweetiePie!Karasu, SluttyMallRat!Botan, Retard!Kuwabara and a janitor's closet of DOOM. Plus SPS blatantly (or not-so-blatantly) rips off a Monty Python skit for your enjoyment!
-SPS
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Chapter 3: The Love of the Crow! YYH in High School
Minamino Kurama - why the hell wasn't his first name Shûichi in these bloody high school AU fics?- was busy getting ready for a new day at Sarayashiki Junior High School. Never mind that he wasn't supposed to be there, as he was a year older than the rest of the group, but, hey, it was convenient, and…well…let's say he fell into a gigantic plot hole and ended up by his locker.
He looked through the said object, hoping to find chocolates and a rose from his secret lover, who had a reputation as a bomb-constructing punk, but was actually the world's sweetest, most lovable man, probably because of the fact that he was so very pretty.
"Ah…Karasu…" Kurama swooned to himself. He was so gorgeously gorgeous and perfectly perfect that he could turn every positive adjective Kurama thought about into an equally positive adverb describing said adjective. But the loud sound of bubble gum popping in his ear made the usually calm teenager jump.
"Botan…what are you doing here?"
"Like, Kurama, I heard you were, like, available this weekend…" Botan, the class slut, who also worked at the local Cinnabon and used enough Aqua Net for seventeen people, stared up into Kurama's emerald orbs as she noisily chewed on her gum and twirled a lock of her azure strands upon her index digit so that it stuck together in such a way as to resemble an elongated Brillo pad.
Kurama sighed. "Sorry, I can't. I have to study."
"Like, ohmigod, gag me with a spoon! I cannot, like, believe this!" Botan turned around on her left foot and scoffed. "Like, hell, I'm going to screw Yûsuke, 'cause, like, his girlfriend is such a bitch…" With that, Botan left.
Kurama then heard the noise of a highly improbable whoosh, which was the sound of Karasu somehow taking crow form when he wasn't even a demon to begin with in this AU fic. He then landed close to Kurama, and glomped him.
"How's my widdle snuggly-buggly?" he cooed into Kurama's ear.
"I'm excellent, my little snookie-pie," Kurama cooed back. "I wub you so much…" The two of them then proceeded to give each other an Eskimo kiss, which would ordinarily be very abrasive on Kurama's nose because of Karasu's mask, but the magical power of true gay love erased all of the boo-boos.
"Karasu, darling, I have a surprise for you!" Kurama smiled as if he were high on precisely 2,076,598 Pixy Sticks.
"What is it, sugar booger?" Karasu cooed back, imitating some character on some American cartoon that he had never heard of in his life.
"I'm going to have a baby! I gave myself a pregnancy test this morning! I have no idea how it happened, since I don't have a uterus, but it is truly a blessed event!"
Karasu smiled. "I'm going to be a daddy!"
At that very instant, their conversation was interrupted by the very loud screaming and wailing of Kuwabara Kazuma, the resident Special Ed kid. His sister and caretaker, Shizuru, was pushing his wheelchair around the hallway.
"Hey, Kurama…I know you're busy and everything, but we really need you to help us plan the class trip." She smiled as her brother went, "DURRHH!"
"To where are we going?" he asked.
"Well, we're chartering an expedition to the twin peaks of Mt. Fuji," she explained.
"But…Mt. Fuji only has one peak."
"I know, but don't tell that to my brother", Shizuru whispered. "Principal Sensui let him design the field trip. It's to boost his self-esteem, since that's all we can do between now and the time we sell him to the government for experiments. Two hundred million yen, all MINE!"
All of a sudden, Kazuma yelled, "DURRH…I LIKE BISCUITS!" and started to roll his wheelchair off into the hallway. Shizuru chased after him, trying to prevent him from going into the Janitor's Closet of No Return, which, strangely had been in the school before it was even built…
But no, it was not to be. Kuwabara dropped out of this plane of existence into said janitor's closet, never to be seen or heard from again, because the author of this fanfiction does not masturbate to his image at night.
The very next day, Kurama was busy knitting booties, caps and other sprog…erm, I mean, adorable baybee clothes for the miracle bump inside his large intestine…or was it his vas deferens?...while the others in his class gossiped about where Kuwabara the retard had gone off to.
"Yo, I heard he fell off a cliff 'cause he thought that life was like cartoons," said Yûsuke, kicking his legs up onto a neighboring desk, which happened to be his girlfriend's.
"Yûsuke! Get your filthy feet off of my desk! Else I'm telling Toguro-sensei!" Keiko got up and smacked her boyfriend's feet.
Botan got up, crinkled her overly sprayed hair again, and asked, "Like, Yûsuke, your girl is like, a total bitch, so, like, can I, like, do you? I, like, have no, like, panties on…"
"NO WAY! You are a gross skank!" Keiko blared.
"No, you're like, a prude."
"At least I care about how I look to other people!" Keiko walked towards her, her legendary slap ready to go.
In the back of the classroom, Hagiri blared: "CATFIGHT!"
And so the two girls went at it; little did they know that during their confrontation, millions upon millions of tiny quantum plot holes would warp the fabric of the universe in such a way that they would end up in a hot lesbian make-out session.
Cries of "Holy shit!" and "Whoa, mama!" echoed throughout the classroom.
But, while the two girls were enjoying each other's hot bodies, Kurama felt a force in his abdomen, something in between a bout of awful diarrhea and some bizarre sort of orgasm. "Oh, Inari, it's coming!"
"What do you mean, it's coming?" asked Yanagisawa.
"My baby! It's coming! Get me to the…erm…boy's bathroom! Hurry!" All of the boys in the classroom left to help with the birth, while Botan and Keiko were left to their own devices.
They got Kurama over a toilet, in such a position as if he were to defecate. He pushed and pushed, and something was coming out of his rectum. Something so sacred and amazing and wonderful that there should be no words to describe it in English. Oh, hell, let's just use Japanese because it sounds cool. Sugoi! Kakkoi! Dôseiaisha! Neko! Maguro!
At the very end of his efforts, they had a beautiful baby girl, which would, of course, been half as likely as a boy in this situation. She had long black hair with red streaks in it, beautiful emerald orbs, S-class yôki, and crow's wings that shimmered like the midnight sky…oh, never mind, a pitch-black sky doesn't shimmer.
Upon looking at her, Kurama felt not pride, but fear and disgust, since she telepathically told him she was going to kill both of her fathers. "It's hellspawn!" he yelled.
"What do you want us to do with it?" asked Mitarai woefully…he had no clue why any of the psychics were in this damn fic, and why the only got one line apiece.
"Throw it…in…the…janitor's…closet…" Kurama then fainted due to giving birth to the Mary-Sue hellspawn.
"O-kaaay!" yelled Yûsuke triumphantly. The whole horde of males who were assisting him followed him to the abyss of the Janitor's Closet of No Return.
They opened the door, and out shined a terribly bright light. They then heard a noise as a pair of scraggly, elongated hands clutched the Mary-Sue spawn…
"YESSS…MY PREEECIOUSSSS…"
And before they knew what hit them, they were all sucked up into the janitor's closet for all eternity.
However, Botan and Keiko had managed to have a hot lesbian encounter in the time the boys had been away. Unbeknownst to them, the classroom door was open; Genkai, the girls' gym teacher, had been watching them the whole time.
They looked up, and found the face of the old, stereotypically lesbian gym teacher. She said to them: "I'm surprised that somebody taught something worthwhile in this school, for once."
She then went about her errands, and the girls were left to clean up.
More and more each day, Koenma was getting distressed over the god-awful fanfiction he read. Now it was time to do something about it.
He had his ferrygirls find out the location of the most popular fanfiction authors in Ningenkai, and then he planned on making personal appearances at the home of each one, and order them to cease and desist, for the safety of the three worlds.
The first one on his list was a doozy: he had written fanfiction about Sensui and Itsuki, in which they had sadomasochistic sexual encounters. He also wrote bad Mary-Sue parodies, and humor fics which hardly anyone laughed at but they reviewed anyway…just to be nice.
Koenma had a wicked grin on his face. "You're going to feel my wrath…Sir Psycho Sexy."
TO BE CONTINUED in CHAPTER 4
A/N: Next time on "Worst YYH Fic Ever"- Koenma holds the author captive! The author has run out ofideas! What shall we do now?
(Hint: More suggestions, please. I have no clue where to go now.)