Chapter Twenty-Seven: Will I Wake Tomorrow…?
Heaven and hell are within us, and all the gods are within us.—The Power of Myth, Joseph Campbell

"Hey," April said distractedly to Maureen as she walked in the front door, just home from work—Roger hadn't walked her home. Again. She had stopped expecting it, really, given that he only tended to show up when he felt like it, which wasn't often. It took her a moment to realize that the loft was empty except for Maureen. April sat on the couch beside her friend. "Where are the boys?"

Maureen shrugged. "They went out. I think to that strip club down the block… don't remember what it's called."

April choked. "What? They went where?"

Maureen studied April's expression for a second, then grinned. "Oh, calm down, 'Ril. They're just being boys. That's how they are. They're not going to do anything."

"That… still…" April sighed. "It doesn't bother you that Mark's there?"

"Mark? No, he doesn't worry me at all." She smirked. "Now if my boyfriend were Roger, then maybe I'd be a little concerned…"

"Maureen!"

"I'm just kidding. No need to panic. Collins is there to supervise them anyway. At least, I'd assume he's supervising them, since I can't really think of any other reason he'd go…"

"Oh, God, my head hurts," April murmured, closing her eyes and leaning her head back against the couch.

"You really are a spaz, you know," Maureen commented, as if just now observing this.

"I am not. I'm just… Okay, Maureen, normal people get a little upset when their boyfriends are at strip clubs."

"You are too a spaz. Just like Mark. That's probably why the two of you are such good friends, actually…" She jumped off the couch abruptly and walked over to the fridge while April eyed her warily.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm gonna keep your mind off it," Maureen answered, searching through the refrigerator. "We can play 'I Never' or something."

"Oh dear God no…"

"Why not, Aprilest? It'll be fun."

"Because…" April began, stopped herself, and sighed. "Because the last thing we need is you and alcohol in combination."

"You worry too much. Besides, we haven't played this game in forever."

"There's a reason for that," April said, but softly enough that Maureen didn't seem to hear her.

Maureen kept searching through the fridge for a minute before turning to look over her shoulder at April. "I swear there was a bottle of Absolut in here. Did you do anything with it?"

April just gave her a blank look for a second before replying, "Yeah, we drank the whole bottle while you weren't looking. No, I didn't do anything with it. Honestly… Someone probably hid it or something." She sighed. "Thank God for that…"

Maureen turned back to the fridge for a second and frowned, closed the fridge, then remarked, "I think it was Collins."

April grinned. "Collins is God?"

With a chuckle, Maureen nodded. "Yes. God is a gay, black anarchist who lives in our loft." She bent down to look under her futon, reaching underneath it for something—it was still supposedly where she slept, though lately she'd been spending more time in Mark's room, whenever Benny wasn't around.

"Now what are you looking for?"

Maureen pulled out a bag of M&M's triumphantly. "We can play with this, if we don't have any alcohol."

April could only blink at her for a second or two. "You were hiding candy under your bed?"

"Well, I didn't want to have to share it."

"There's the Maureen I know," April said with a laugh, and beckoned her over to the couch. "Who's gonna start?"

"I will." Maureen poured a few M&M's into her own hand, and then held out the bag to April. "I've never been to California."

April glared at her but popped a candy in her mouth. "Cheap shot. I grew up there. I could just as easily say I've never been to Hicksville."

"But you have. Two years ago we had Thanksgiving at my parent's house."

"Oh. Right." April stuck her tongue out at Maureen. "Still a cheap shot." She studied Maureen for a moment before saying, "I've never cheated on one of my boyfriends."

Maureen paused. "Does it count if—"

"It counts."

"What if—"

"It still counts. Take the candy, Maur."

"Fine. I've never hurt myself intentionally."

"That's another cheap shot."

"It's true, isn't it? Take the candy."

April glared at the phone across the apartment, unable to take her eyes off of it despite herself. She half-expected it to ring and… And what? Stupid. But she couldn't really help it. A year ago today, she'd got that phone call from Chris and found out that Jessi had died. God, had it really been a year? It didn't seem like it at all, like less, and at the same time an eternity.

Time flies, she thought, unsure of where the thought had come from. She couldn't stay here. Not tonight. Had to get out, had to go, anywhere that wasn't here, anywhere that wouldn't keep her thinking of Jessi, of hours-long phone conversations and promises to visit some day. April had always promised she'd show her around the city… God, she did have to get out of here.

She pushed herself off the couch and headed for the door. "I'm going for a walk," she announced.

"It'll be dark soon," Mark said worriedly, glancing to the window, but she didn't pay him any mind, just pulled the door shut behind her and hurried down the stairs two at a time, just desperate to get away from there. She didn't even know where… or maybe she did and just didn't want to admit it to herself.

She wandered until she found herself in the park, a few blocks from home, her arms wrapped around herself as if she were cold though it was still the middle of summer, only July 5th… She still felt cold. Too damn cold.

"Hey babe, looking for me?"

April suppressed a scream and turned around quickly, not sure what she expected. The Man stood almost directly behind her, one eyebrow raised questioningly. "Holy shit, Dave, you scared me half to death!" she said, letting out a breath. "Don't you make noise when you walk?"

He shrugged. "Didn't mean to scare you. So. You looking for me?"

April hesitated. She wanted to—God, she wanted to—but she just… What would Jessi think? "I really shouldn't. I mean, I can't. I really…" She trailed off and sighed, and he was just watching her, wordless. Shit. Her arms stung. Stick a needle in them, make it go away, everything seems better for a little while. Not good—lately nothing felt exactly right—but better. She fumbled through her pocket for some money and reluctantly handed it to him, slipping the bag of smack she got in return into her pocket.

"Tell your boyfriend he still owes me from last week," he said.

"Yeah." She turned away quickly, started to walk away from the Man. Talking to him always made her feel tainted, dirty, and that smack felt like it was burning a hole in her pocket, just begging her to use it. She kept one hand in her pocket as she walked, running her fingers along the edges of the bag distractedly.

"Hey, April!"

April glanced over her shoulder to see Roger jogging after her. She sighed and turned around to face him, quickly taking her hand out of her pocket and crossing her arms. "What? Did you seriously follow me here from home?"

"It's almost dark," he pointed out. "I wanted to make sure you'd be safe."

"Oh, please," she said. "That's not why you came. What, are you trying to babysit me now? Afraid I can't be left unsupervised?"

The harshness of her tone seemed to take him aback for a second, but then he responded almost challengingly, "Then what's in your pocket?"

"Oh, fuck off, Roger. Don't even try that. You got me into this shit in the first place—"

"You asked for it!"

"Well you didn't have to give it to me! Fucking hypocrite… Like you don't use every chance you get. Like your arms don't have just as many track marks as mine. More, actually. Oh, and by the way, you owe Dave money from last week. So, you wanna scold me now? Go ahead." She fell silent for a moment, giving him the chance to defend himself, but he only stared at her blankly. Her mouth twisted into a mocking smile that didn't suit her. "Yeah, I thought so." She watched him a moment longer before turning away and walking off. This time he didn't follow.

Jessi,
I need you now.
I love Roger. Of course I love Roger, he's… he's just him. But he's not… since the accident… his accident, not yours… he's been someone else. Not entirely, but I've been losing him more and more. I think I only just realized it a few days ago. But…
Shit, you'd be so disappointed in me. I promised I'd make you proud, but just look at me. And they know. They all know. There's no way to hide it from Roger, but Mark, Collins, Benny, Maur… The drugs and… other things…
I shouldn't be this unstable. I should be able to keep it together. But I guess you always were my sanity, my Jessi, my heart-sister, from the day we met. I lost you and… the world kind of fell apart after that.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

Your sister, your (falling) star,
April