When the Bough Breaks - Chapter Five
"The death of a child is the single most traumatic event in medicine. To lose a child is to lose a piece of yourself."
A.N. So two updates in two days. Woohoo. Although, well I'm slightly sad because my reviews have gone from 27 for the first chapter to like ten for this last chapter, I live for reviews and they keep me posting so keep reviewing if it's just to say good chapter (or, you know, that sucked...whichever you feel inclined to post). Thanks to Selina who sent me the longest review I've ever received, she made a great case for a Lit story...so you Rogan fans better get to convincing : As for leaving you guys confused in the last chapter, well that was totally intentional. How else am I supposed to keep you guys reading?
"Are you sure you want to do this now?" Logan questions from the drivers side of his expensively upholster BMW.
Rory stares back at him in the automatic light hanging above the car in the garage of their home in New York. Logan had figured that she'd fall asleep on the drive, her previous pregnancies had left her constantly exhausted, but Rory had remained silent, but away, with her eyes directed at the scenery outside the car. In the dim light Logan notices that her face is paler then it was before they left and her expression is pinched as if in some sort of emotionally caused physical pain, and despite the faraway look in her eyes she manages a nod.
"Do you want me to come with you?" Logan asks, although he knows she's going to say that this is something she wants to do alone.
Rory swallows hard, but finally she nods, she'd done everything alone in the last couple of days, but this she didn't think she could do alone. Not this time. Logan nod and mirrors Rory's actions as she slips out of the car, he's surprised though. He'd seen Rory grieve enough times to know her grieving process, enough to know that she did it alone. Sometimes she'd let Lorelai in, but never anyone else. Lorelai had been Rory's rock and Logan honestly didn't know what Rory was going to do without her mother for the rest of her life.
Silently they make their way across their large property, the house and property had been a wedding gift from Mitchum and Shira to assure that they wouldn't be cut off from any future heir. Rory had immediately wanted to reject the offer, until she'd seen and immediately fallen in love with the property and then she'd accepted it strings and all. Once they reach the gated garden both Logan and Rory let out deep breaths; Rory because she'd realized that she'd been holding her breath on the walk over and Logan because he wasn't sure what to expect on the other side of the gate.
The garden was Rory's place to grieve and Logan had respected that by staying away from it, he'd never seen past the tall rosebushes that lined all four sides of the fence and now that he was about to he wasn't sure he was ready for it. Rory pulls the gate slowly open and steps into the square that couldn't be more than five square feet open on the inside. Along the fence opposing the gate stood three statues that can be seen by moonlight. The statues are no more then three feet tall, including the platforms at the bottom of each, and all three have angels carved into them that evokes sorrow that hits Logan hard in the stomach.
Rory kneels down in front of the middle statue, an angel cradling a baby close to her chest and the inscription on at the bottom reads Lorelai Elizabeth Huntzberger March 11th 2011. Rory remains in front of the first for several long minutes tracing each letter of the words carefully, while Logan remains behind her unable to move and hardly able to breathe. After a long time Rory moves to her right, where there's a statue of a boy angel with his face turned heavenward. Logan doesn't need to read the inscription to know that it reads Nicholas Edward Huntzberger April 21st 2015, nor does he need to read the inscription on the third, another girl angel with her head bowed in prayer, to know it reads Katherine Rose Huntzberger January 3rd 2016. He doesn't need to read it because the names and dates are etched into his heart and no matter how much times passes they'll never fade.
Rory's gasps for air pulled Logan out of his own pain and he's immediately on his knees beside her, carefully he wraps his arm around her shoulder, assuming she'll just shrug him off. Instead, though, she turns into him and cries almost silently into him, "this was a mistake. Coming here. What was this supposed to do Logan?" Rory clings to him as she sobs through her words. "I'm scared Logan, I'm so, so scared."
After slipping a hand under her knees Logan carefully moves to his feet, he has no words to console her with. Words never cure grief, Logan knew, so instead he remains silent as she cries, carrying her toward the house. By the time he reaches the bedroom she's silently cried herself to sleep, and he's not at all surprised he's sure she probably hasn't slept well in days so he gently settles her on the bed. After removing her shoes and covering her with the heavy quilt at the end of the bed he moves to leave the room but is stopped by her grabbing his hand, "please don't leave."
"Rory," Logan sits on the bed as Rory sits up to face him.
"I want you to stay," Rory whispers as both her hands light cup his face. They linger there for a moment before she leans closer to him and within short seconds their lips meet in a hungry kiss. Rory's arms wrap around Logan's neck and his settle at her sides as she leans back into the pillows. The passion that makes up their kisses urges to two on quickly.
Logan's hands trail over the thin material of her tank top the under and over her silky smooth stomach, an action that comes so natural and yet feels like it hasn't been performed in a million years. Rory's own hands travel down and across his shoulders before resting lightly on his chest, but finally continue to move downward and being their task of unbuckling Logan's jeans.
"Rory," Logan breaks the kiss and pulls away quickly, "we shouldn't do this."
"Logan, I want this," Rory murmurs before reaching for him again.
Logan gently captures her hands in his, "you don't really want this. You're looking for something that's going to make you hurt just a little bit less. But this, Rory, will only hurt more in the long run." Rory doesn't respond but she sinks backward and dropping her hands Logan informs her, "I'll be in the guest room if you need anything." Gently he kisses her forehead before leaving Rory alone.
Logan was right, of course. On all accounts. Kissing Logan had been stupid, but she did want anything to take her mind off of the gut wrenching grief that had become a constant in her life. But he was also right that if things had gone to far it would only confuse their already confusing situation. Two months ago they had let things go to far and now she was pregnant, confusing enough. It had been break-up sex. No strings. Just the way their relationship had started years and years ago but strings had reattached themselves and connected the two once again.
The morning after Rory had felt a semblance of closure to their mutual decision to divorce. It had been decided that Logan would keep the house, it had been a gift from his parents after all and she didn't want to feel tied to Mitchum and Shira now that she didn't have to be. Logan had agreed that it sounded fair but assured her that she would be allowed to visit her garden whenever she wanted too. And after a civilized breakfast Rory had taken a suitcase and gone to stay in Stars Hollow with Lorelai for a week before renting an apartment in the New York City, within walking distance of work. Logan on the other hand had taken off for Europe on business and then a much needed vacation.
That had been two months ago and yet it could be two years ago. Now here she was again, back in the same huge house, in the same huge bed that she'd slept in for most of the past six years. The room looked exactly the same with the exception that her bedside table was missing the stack of book that used to reside there and her robe wasn't hanging next to Logan's on the back of the door and the bed now smelled only of Logan. But despite those things the room still looked the same, still felt the same. It took her back to a time of Saturday morning breakfast in bed followed by the rest of the day in each other's arms. Sometimes making love and sometimes just being together content with the quiet.
Slowly things had started to unravel faster then they could put them back together and the last bit of possibly endurable strain had come just the day after their sixth anniversary. It had just been a waiting game from there. They'd started avoiding one another in the hall. After years of firmly mandating that they eat breakfast together whenever they were both in town they both gave up on it. Spending more and more time working until one day at the end of February when they sat down and decided that there was no hope of making it work anymore.
Rory missed Logan. That was to be expected though, you don't just go from being married to a person to not in such a short time. But her feelings for him beyond that were jumbled. Rory had talked it over with Lorelai the night before she and Luke left for Hawaii. Lorelai's advice had been to give it time, if she was still having doubts when they when it came time to sign the divorce papers then maybe they should reconsider. But that advice had been followed by the statement that of course she hadn't ever been divorced so she didn't really know about these things...but what she did know was that Logan needed to know about the baby.
Rory tears at the thought of the conversation, it was the last time she'd ever be able to go to her mother for advice. The last time she'd curl up on the couch with junk food scattered around, pause a movie and ask her advice on something that they both knew had been eating away at her through the entire first half of the movie. Rory would stew, thinking of the best way to phrase a potentially awkward question or statement ("Mom, I'm pregnant and I'm not sure if I am still in love with Logan or not" - would be the perfect example) and Lorelai would wait patiently munching on whatever was on hand ready to dispense advice.
How was she supposed to do this? She'd never made a single big decision in her life without talking it over with her mother first. Maybe going back to Logan would be the smart thing to do. He'd take care of her, she knew he would and right now she desperately needed to be taken care of. Maybe it was selfish, but right now she was exhausted and her mind wasn't working correctly and before she can even think of what she is going to say tomorrow she slips into a deep dreamless sleep.