I Wonder…
Angel,
Sometimes I wonder if you really exist, or if I just thought you up one day. Did you know that my life has become harder to live, sometimes I think of what it would be like to just stop. To just not do what I have to do, what I should do, what's expected of me. And then I remember a beautiful Christmas day, when it snowed, and I cry. I cry for you, for my mom, for my friends, my sister, and for me...I cry to try to make it all go away.
Did you know that I still dream of you, of you coming and taking me with you. My favorite one is the most real dream I've had since you left, it happened when I visited you years ago. We didn't kill that demon, somehow you became human and we were together again. But then you almost died, and so you turned it back, and told me right before it was going to happen. I told you I would never forget, and then I wake up crying. That is my favorite, it shows me the you I wish I could see everyday, and when I have it again I cherish it.
I wonder why that is...the fact that I don't have prophetic dreams anymore. They stopped when you left, and I don't know if it's because I'm blocking them or if it's because I can't have them without you. I know that sounds silly, but sometimes I wonder if that's true, and not just for my dreams. For everything about me that everyone thought that I could just do, what if I can't. What if I can't because I don't feel you anymore? I don't know if I wish that were true or not, I don't know anything anymore. And I wonder, if you took more than just my heart and soul with you, or if this is because you took them. I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense, but I haven't really been able to think clearly for a little bit now, I think it might have to do with the fact that my mother is sick.
Do you know why I still try to live and not just exist? It's because of you actually. You make me want to live, and the fact that I told you all of those things about strength and living, and that if you couldn't then I would not morn for you. You know I lied right? I don't care how you die, whether it's me or a newbie gets a lucky shot, I will morn for you. I did before and you came back, so if you die again maybe I can bring you back to me. Of course that means that you have to be mine, and I don't know if you are still or not. But then I just think that I must have made you up in my mind, because no one ever talks about you, and if I bring you up they all look at me funny. I wish I made you up, cause then I didn't drive away the only man I've ever loved. Only two people here confirm your existence for me, one is my sister, who knows why I cry at night, and that I cry at all. And then there is someone who I never thought that I could get along with, and still really don't but I don't really hate him anymore, and that is Spike. I know, I know, you don't think I should be anywhere near him, and are probably wondering why he hasn't been staked yet. Well I don't really know the answer to that, it's just that he and Dawn get along and he really can't do any harm (he has a chip in his head that stops him from feeding from humans). But he's also still here because he's my one connection to you. You probably think that's silly of me, to keep someone I hate around because he reminds me of you. But it's true. I just don't know if I could handle it if I didn't have a way to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that you exist outside of my head.
I wonder if your reading this, I'm not planning on sending it, but you never know with us. It could somehow be sent anyway, and then you'll be reading it and think, 'wow, she's crazy. Good thing I left before that happened.' Well, ok so that would by Cordy's reaction, but still you would, or are probably worried or something. I don't know, because I don't know you. Not anymore, we drifted apart. I will always love you, but that doesn't mean that I will always know you inside out. It just means that I accept you inside out. I wonder if you accept me inside out, I wonder if you still know me inside out. You always did, but now…well that's something that I was never very sure of. I'm babbling, so I'm going to stop.
I wonder if you will ever get this, probably so just incase I want you to know something. I'm still your girl, and nothing will ever change that.
Love always,
Buffy
The End