What was happening? What had gone wrong? Robin's wits were suddenly scattered as she tried to make sense of what was happening. She had thought she was on a witch hunt, but now…. She was backed into an alleyway by her comrades. They all had on steely, if somewhat concerned or betrayed expressions. Robin darted her head in several directions in an attempt to find an escape route. Whatever was happening, she knew it wasn't good.
Robin continued to back up slowly as her co-workers advanced. Soon her back would run into a brick wall and she would be completely cornered. Suddenly it dawned on her; she was being hunted. They were hunting her. Fear and betrayal made her chest constrict harshly and her breathing became shallow.
What had she done to prove she was a witch? What had she done to earn their ire? They were all hunting her. Did none of them feel any guilt or hesitation? She was wrong to develop feelings for them. She had been so wrong. Once again she hadn't been cold enough. Once again she was betrayed.
Suddenly Amon dropped down from a building above, his trench coat flapping dramatically as per usual. He landed a mere ten feet in front of her. She saw him reach into his pocket and pull out his orbo gun, aiming it directly at her.
What could she do? There was no where to run. She couldn't fight them with her craft even if she could summon the courage to do so. They had the orbo. Hysteria and terror began to close in as she realized she was about to be captured or killed. She had been declared a Witch, an abomination and enemy of God.
So all she could do was watch, frozen like prey that looks into the eyes of a snake, as he aimed his gun at her. "All Witches must be hunted," he said sedately as he pulled the trigger.
Suddenly she felt a blinding pain in her shoulder and looked down to see a gaping wound. The blood was interspersed with orbo. The pain was mind-numbing. As the orbo started to circulate through her body she could feel the power of her craft draining out of her.
It took a few more moments to soak in before she realized the full horror of her situation. Her partner, the person who she owed all loyalty to, the man who was her other half, had just shot her. He believed her to be a witch and was taking her in to the Factory. Her brain shut down after this realization as the hysteria of pain, terror, betrayal, and confusion took over.
Suddenly the world around her shifted again and her original confusion returned full force. She could still feel the pain of the orbo induced wound in her shoulder, but it seemed she was back near the road of her most recent witch hunt. She was about to analyze her surroundings further, but one detail grabbed her attention immediately.
Once again the battle to keep her mind working and her emotions under control was lost as she saw Doujima not far from her with an orbo gun pointed directly toward her head. As terror took over she did what her body instinctually ordered her to do. She turned tail and ran. Anything that was called after her was left unheard. Her emotions were buzzing around in her head so loudly that any other sounds were completely drowned out.
Robin had no idea how long she ran or where she went. She just kept running. This day had turned out so wrong. They were hunting her. Why? She would never be able to find peace. Maybe she could do something like go live in The Walled City. Still, life would never be the same.
Adrenaline raced through her veins along with the previously recognized pain and fear. All she was aware of was; her harsh breathing, her feet pounding on the ground, the sound of her blood pumping through her veins at a rapid pace, the feel of the wind stinging her eyes and whipping back her hair as she ran, the pain, and the fear.
After a while she began to slow down and think again. Not because she was regaining her composure, but because she was becoming tired. Looking back quickly she saw that no one was following her. The young Craft User found that she had run into an old residential district. Ahead she saw what looked to be an empty Church. It was odd considering Churches were less frequently found in Japan.
Not second-guessing her luck Robin flew to the Church and tried to open the door. Finding it locked she tried to melt the lock. Too late she remembered the orbo in her shoulder as searing pain ran through her body as she tried to use her Craft. When the pain had subsided she opened her eyes and realized that she had fallen to her knees in her earlier agony. Getting up she proceeded to find a back door, open it, and drag herself inside, down the hallway, and into the sanctuary where she promptly collapsed onto a pew. No sooner had she lowered herself into a lying position than she had lost consciousness due to blood loss from the wound in her shoulder.
When Robin regained consciousness she was still weak and bleeding slightly, but her mind was functioning better than it had been. As she took in her surroundings waves of emotions centering on confusion swamped her. Of all places how did she end up taking refuge in a Church?
The young woman didn't know what to do. A part of her was empty and demanded that she take this opportunity to pray, to ask for forgiveness for whatever action she had taken to warrant this punishment. Another part of her told herself that she was filth. If she was truly a witch she had no right to be here or anywhere in Gods presence. Yet another part of her felt betrayed. Maybe it was her inner child but a part of her felt so lost, lonely, and confused. She wanted God's guidance, but so far he had not helped her one bit. If she had been so pious before and it did her no good what good would it do now.
There was no way she could stop believing in God, but she was beginning to doubt that God loved her. She could no longer find her inner faith in something entirely good. She couldn't justify trusting her heart fully to anyone or anything at the moment- including God. She was probably being selfish and lacking in faith, but there was little else she could do. There had always been only a slim chance of Robin escaping hell being who she was, whatever chance she had was probably halved now that she was officially a witch.
With all of her conflicting emotions, memories, and knowledge of the lord Robin couldn't make sense of anything she could or should do, let alone what she should think. Only a few things were clear; she was facing a time of suffering that may or may not be Gods will, she was betrayed and afraid, and she was desperate for unconditional love. Many things she was taught about Christianity were confusing and contradictory, but at the base of it all was the belief that God loves us the way we are.
So with what strength she had Robin dragged herself forward to kneel down and pray. She had no specific requests or thoughts in mind. She just focused on trying to get God to acknowledge and understand her feelings. Robin focused on portraying or projecting her confusion, betrayal, hurt, and desperation. It was basically an emotional plea for help to a being she didn't know if she believed was there, and if he was there, she had no idea as to whether he cared about her suffering. He may have been pleased by it. None-the-less she continued to send out her emotional S.O.S. in hopes that The Lord would respond.
All of her training and years in the monastery didn't help her as she tried to sort out her beliefs or what the correct decisions were in this situation, if anything they just confused her more. As her brain was not functioning she projected her emotions relying on the base faith that had been ingrained so deep in her it couldn't be completely taken away, and the actions she had learned by rote.
As Robin kneeled there reaching with all of her heart in hopes of finding the consoling presence of God she let a prayer which had come to her lips without prompting be mumbled aloud. Maybe the Lord would hear the prayer said daily by many of his followers. The Lord's Prayer. "Lord our God the Blessed One, hallowed be Thy name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven, give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us, for Thine is the kingdom, and the glory, and the power, now and forever, Amen."
Her prayer echoed throughout a room familiar with the words she spoke as they had been spoken for years every Sunday during service. It was comforting and routine. What was not normal was the fact that the young woman fell, unconscious once again, as soon as the last word of the prayer passed her lips.
Febuary 29
Again I am writing because I find my faith in God in question. The more I struggle with my belief, the harder it is to believe. Maybe that is the curse of all people who governed by rational thought instead of action or emotion. Am I doomed to forever be unable to accept my religion? I will not abandon it, but I can not follow it either. I have been betrayed numerous times, and have never had anyone else to depend on. Because of this, I am unable to rely on anything but my own logic and wit. I am the only person who I know will not betray me, I am the only person I know I can depend on . Though I am often forced to depend on others by circumstance, I have not done so by choice for a long time.
In my journal I once rationalized that I could never put my faith in a God that was cruel, which is why I could easily rule out several pagan traditions. Now I find myself asking questions about God as I know Him; "Does God really love me unconditionally?" This I think is the core of my current problem.
In the text I am currently reading, I find several assurances that through suffering comes redemption, and that from death comes life; however, in my own experience I find the exact opposite to be true, with life comes death. Everyone who lives will die, and in every life there is suffering. No matter how rich or famous or smart you are, no one is immune to suffering. "Is this the price we pay for being born?" As far as I can see, there is no true redemption. No matter what obstacles you may overcome, there will be more to face. The cycle of pain is, from my perspective, never-ending.
People have also tried to reassure me that my suffering will be rewarded, this is not an unconditional love, but under the condition that the more you suffer, the more God loves you.
Another point that has been raised to prove that our suffering is not in vain is that it is all for the future glory of God. The question then is of course, "Am I willing to suffer for God?" I don't understand God, and I cannot find it in me despite my efforts to trust him. I don't know God, or even what God is. Why then would I want to suffer for him?
Still I am given the argument that we, as humans, just can't see God's plan. That we should take comfort in knowing that He is in charge and that all will be well in the end. A question I have alluded to before; "Is there ever really and end to our suffering?" pertains to this.
All of the above questions culminate and commingle in my mind. As I search for understanding, yet another question needs to be raised. It may not even really be a question, but instead more of a plea. "Is there anything worth this much suffering?" I, in a way, have been searching fervently for a reason, or a cause, or anything that would prove that the suffering of the human race is justified. I have not found anything yet that is worth the suffering the human race endures. There is nothing in life, that is worth the suffering that comes with life. There is nothing worth enduring child abuse, or constant pain. I can not speak for anyone else, but I would gladly traded the experience of my life for having never existed at all.
If suffering is a punishment for sins, then God's love is conditional, for he favors the blameless. And if the blameless' faith is tested with a trial of suffering, God's love is conditional, for it is better for those who sin. If any of our actions cause God to make us suffer, then His love is conditional, because joy and suffering depend on how we, as humans, act.
Some say that suffering is caused because it is a result of God allowing humans freewill. While others insist that it is all a part of God's plan. Which is true? Both cannot be the case, because if our destiny is planned for us then we really have no choice at all. Yet if we have free will, our actions or the suffering we cause.
The only possible redemption I can see is that we will find peace in heaven. Yet with no proof or evidence of the place, I find it hard to believe it exists. It is impossible for me to base my entire belief system on something that cannot be proven as fact.
I feel as if I am searching blindly for truth, I am searching blindly for faith, or anything good, and the longer I do, the less I find. It is as if all I can see is a shadow, as insubstantial as mist, and the true form that casts the shadow is hidden from me. Some faith is based on the fact that it is the good and love in all of us that constitutes God. Though this is one of the few arguments I cannot refute, I cannot believe it either, because such good is beyond my comprehension. I am bitter and cynical, and find no reality but pain. Suffering is something I find evidence of and have experience in in full measure, maybe the only thing that I don't have cause to question. Maybe this is not the case for whoever may be reading this. If you find yourself capable of faith, please pray for me.
March 15
I used to believe wholly in the strength of the Lord. It's so easy to believe the messages that the Bible preaches. The main one that always gets people hooked is "Jesus loves you." The majority of the people in the world are lonely, lost, and afraid, even if they pretend that they don't need any love. They all jump at the chance to believe someone loves them.
It's a lot harder to believe that God loves you when you know more about the world. When you know that the majority of it's inhabitants will live miserably for the majority of their lives. When you know about all of the pain, struggles, hate, anger, fear, terror, suicide, violence, insanity, perverseness, pride, selfishness, and strife. When you know about these things, it's a lot harder to believe the often used quote, "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son." What kind of love is it that allows such suffering?
One common excuse is that it is all the fault of the sins of man. That in order to make everything right, God would have to take away humankind's freewill; however, I find this to be a rather weak argument. According to the Bible, God has plans for our future, as you could say, He determines our fate. If that is true then we really don't have that much freewill at all, do we? Are we allowed to decide whether our parents are drug addicts or if we grow up without love? Are we allowed to decide if we are born with a defect, or if we get cancer? Do we decide if we are murdered or not? The freewill we have is only enough to allow us to instigate evil, but not enough to protect us from it. We can decide to murder, do drugs, and deprive others of love. Still, as I said before, we don't have enough power to protect us from these evils. What kind of freewill is that? Is it really worth all the pain it causes to have this "power to make our own decisions?"
Another popular excuse for the wickedness of the world is that we are being punished for our sins. Why then are babies and children subjected to such pain? Why would I serve a god who unnecessarily causes the innocent pain? After all, God is omnipotent, and can save these children at any point in time. Sadly, that is "taboo." That would be interfering in the affairs of humans, which, as I have already stated, God does anyway. If God were to "interfere" on our behalf, that would be helping the suffering and lost human race, who only have the power to harm. That would be defending us against the impossible odds stacked against us. What kind of god would do that?
The other excuse I have been given for all of my suffering is that it is for "the glory of God." What does that mean? Why in the world would I want to make myself this miserable for the glory of a god that may not even love me? Maybe loving the world is a premise for manipulating us to do his will. After all, believers of the faith give their lives to God. How much glory does He need anyway? I may be selfish, but I have no want to suffer for the glory of God. Does he need glory to exist or something? Maybe that phrase means that it is to make the world better because God is on our side. If an omnipotent God is on our side why do we suffer so? Why does He require His children to suffer in order to make other children happy? Are some of us worth more than others, or does he just require our pain as a show of obedience before he will help us? That doesn't sound like unconditional love to me. Again, in selfishness, how does working for God benefit me? I have tried to for a large portion of my life and I have only been placed in increasingly negative situations. He requires crusification, sacrifices, and martyrdom for his glory. His "favored" people have suffered horribly throughout history. Why would I want to be one of them?
My point is that I no longer believe that God loves me. I think that's just a catch phrase that makes people feel happy and complete, but I will not delude myself. I've felt a force pushing me my entire life to be a zealous Christian, but was that the love of God or just an obligation I feel because my mother is a pastor? I was capable of believing that all of the suffering was man made, before the seeds of doubt were sown, and before I was stricken down by fibromyalgia. Now I have to deal with physical torture as well as emotional, and I can't handle it for the sake of a God I don't understand and hardly know. After all, I am only fourteen. I used to know what it felt like to be loved by God, but that feeling has faded and all I am left with is pain and bitterness. Pain is my sole component. It floods me; body, mind, and soul. How then am I to give those things to the Lord?
The only conclusion I can come to is that the Lord has forsaken me, or that he has deigned that I should unwillingly suffer for his Glory. In either case I can not devote my heart to God. I can not trust him, and therefore I cannot love him. God has forsaken me if he ever loved me in the first place. God may still exist and He might have done as the Bible says, but it lies in at least one or more aspects. If God doesn't love me, then his love isn't unconditional. Yet He doesn't love me, even if he does love the rest of the world. If the Bible isn't lying in that aspect then it must be lying about the nature of his love. If he does love me, then his love is not saving, redeeming, or the living water. He dos not weep for me or ache for my pain. He doesn't care at all. His love is a harsh punishment that leads to His follower's suffering and death. Either way, his love is a lie, and I am on my own, fated to suffer until the end of my days. How many other poor souls has He forsaken?
AN: Hi peoples! It's a Me! So, if you actually took the time to read through not only the chapter itself but the two rants afterward you are probably wondering one thing- Where the hell did that come from! My friends I would tell you if I only knew. Robin is religious right? Not many people who write WHR fics explore that facet of her personality, so here is my poor attempt.
Yeah Yeah, I know it sucked. I also know it's hard on the eyes with the little font and bad spacing but you know what? I tried to change it but when I uploaded it to documents from my nice pretty Word program file it went back to this really small eye-sore font without double spacing. Go figure.
Sorry I was so late with writing this, if you want an excuse it would be my bad health and depression. If you bothered to read my Micheal one-shot then you know that I'm depressed seeing as how I based his depression off of mine.
As for where this story is going next. Well you see, that's the problem. I'm again at one of those points in my fics where I have no idea what to do next cries...If I were a good author I would have all of this planned out BEFORE I wrote the story right? Yeah, too bad I'm not. Maybe I'll do better next time. Again this story was based on a half-baked idea so... any advice from another 'chef' would be very much apreciated. All I have planned for the rest of this fic is that Amon is going to come save Robin's but, but he'll do it in a way that allows him to still seem like an ass-hole. So- any ideas?