"Do you mean hydroponic pot?" Lois asks, widening her eyes, giddy at the prospect of lighting up.
"My pot kicks hydroponic pot's ass," Lex boasts, his olive eyes sparkling.
Lois cracks up, throwing her head to the table, her ponytail smacking him across the face.
"Where is it?" Lois asks hungrily.
"I told you. Back at the mansion," he answers.
"That far? I don't want to go that far," Lois whines. "Don't you have someone who can go get it for us? I mean, you pay someone to wipe your butt, don't you?"
Lex loses it, dropping his shot glass which shatters against the tile. They both look down at it, worried.
Lois starts snapping her fingers, "Jeeves! Come clean this up!" She laughs until she snorts.
"Jesus! What are you? A pig?" Lex asks. "Come on, let's go get the pot!"
"It's too far!" Lois whines.
"I have one of my Porsches!" Lex remembers suddenly, feeling as if he just conjured the theory of relativity.
"We can't drive, we're drunk," she reminds him.
"We need someone to drive for us," Lex contemplates. "Hey, we can get Lana to drive us."
"No good, Pinky's not home," Lois sits back, racking her brain. "Hey! Clark's a goody goody, I bet he's not drunk."
"But he's at his farm," Lex says, "He's not here."
"We can go drive to get him, and then make him drive us to your mansion. That way, we only have to drive halfway there," Lois brainstorms.
"But, his farm's further away then the mansion," Lex remembers, "so, why aren't we just driving to my place?"
"Silly, we can't drive there because we're drunk. That's why we need Clark."
Lex turns the logic over in his head.
"Okay, that makes sense."
Lois and Lex stumble to the curb where Lex's Porsche is parked. Before leaving the Talon, they raided the rest of Lois's stash of booze, with three bottles each tucked under their arms.
"Where's the driver?" Lois asks, momentarily forgetting their plan.
"I don't have one," Lex tells her.
"You have a butt wiper but not a driver?" Lois can't wrap her mind around the concept.
"That's why we're going to get Clark," Lex says.
"To wipe your butt?" Lois asks, still not caught up.
"No, to drive," Lex groans, getting impatient.
"Right! I got it!" Lois catches back up. "So, what are we doing again?"
"We're driving to the Kents," Lex replants the idea in her head.
"Right, but we gotta get the booze into the back seat," Lois thinks aloud.
They both stare at the car, perplexed at how to get the bottles of liquor into the Porsche. They look at each other, and then back at the backseat.
"Here," Lois offers up her share of the boozy bounty, "hold these a second." She reaches into her jeans pocket and pulls out a pocket knife.
"What else you got in there?" Lex asks.
"Buy me a few more drinks and I'll show you," she responds. Lex laughs so hard he almost drops all of his bottles.
Lois pulls out the blade, plunges it into the top of Lex's rag-top and opens a hole over the back seat.
"That's a great idea!" Lex actually thinks. He takes a bottle, dropping it through the slit. The bottle drops safely onto the back seat.
"You're a genius!" Lex exclaims, dropping the rest of the bottles in, never noticing that when they start piling up, they start breaking.
Lois pulls open the unlocked driver's door.
"Why didn't we just put the bottles in through the door?" Lex has to ask.
"Because you only bought a two door. It doesn't have a door to the back seat," Lois smacks him on the arm like he's a dope.
"Well it might not have four doors, but it has a kick ass mp3 player," Lex says jumping in the car. "Oooohh! Do you like the Bee Gees?" he asks, practically on the verge of squealing.
"Uh un," Lois says, snatching him out of the drivers seat. "Momma's driving this rig."
Lex climbs into the passenger's seat just in time to see Lois turn off his beloved music.
"Hey! What happened to the tunes?" Lex asks, frantically pressing buttons on his stereo, "We gotta have toooons!"
The shuffle option churns up iYou and Me/i by Lifehouse. "What kind of loser listens to this crap?" she says, switching the stereo back off.
"Hey," Lois notices, "There's two brake pedals down there!"
"One's just the clutch, it won't hurt you," Lex tells her. "Just pet it with your foot."
She laughs hysterically, then reaches up and rubs Lex's head. "I can pet your head with my foot, too," she says trying to slide her boot off.
"No, you need your feet to drive," he says, trying to teach her.
"That's right," she pressing both feet hard against the pedals, waiting for something to happen.
"You do know how to drive stick, don't you?" Lex asks.
Lois screams as serious as death, "Don't get fresh with me!" She says, finally combining the use of the clutch with the gear shift, able to switch into first. Then, calming right back down, she confirms "Of course I drive stick. I can drive any stick you got."
They chug down the main drag of Smallville in first gear, the engine revving loudly as they barely make it to the stop sign.
"Your car is a piece of crap," Lois says, jamming down on the clutch trying to make the car speed up.
"It used to go faster, I even hit somebody with one of these before."
Lois bursts out laughing, knowing she can one up him. "I hit a dog one time with my car. Stupid thing lived though," she says disappointed.