"night of the full moon"

Disclaimer: don't own it. The chapter title is from Kelly Clarkson's song of the same name.

Chapter 7: I hate myself for losing you I have myself to blame

For the state I'm in today

And now dying doesn't seem so cruel

Remus

After the wonderful "getting-out-of-the-hospital" party at Sirius', he became more distant from me. I didn't really understand why. Everyone else was deliriously happy, why shouldn't he be as well? I got the answer one night at dinner with my new fiancée, Mary.

"Well, Sirius has been acting very strangely lately don't you think, darling?" I asked, as I passed her the salad bowl.

"Yes, he has." She replied, taking a sip of wine. "I can only guess that it's the fact all his friends are getting hitched while he watches."

I froze with my fork halfway to my mouth. "No! That can't be it!" I started laughing. "Sirius doesn't want to get married!"

"I didn't say it was jealousy. He's just lonely."

"Well, perhaps I can find him someone." I smiled to myself. Sirius had always been the one to find me a date and here we were, the other way around.

"Oh, that would be nice, Remus. Why not tonight? I'll be off on another mission from Dumbledore and you'll just be here all alone."

"Yes, that's right." I wound some spaghetti around my fork and stared at it. "You know, I wish he wouldn't give you those missions. They're so dangerous, honey."

"I know, but, someone's got to do them and you're still weak, Sirius is useless these days, Lily is expecting and James is taking care of her. I'm the only one in our squad who can do it." She ate more spaghetti but when she looked up, I was still looking at her, worried. "Remus, don't worry, all right? I'll be fine!"

"If you say so."

"I do. Now please, take Sirius to some pub tonight and have fun."

"I'll try." But I didn't eat my spaghetti, my mouth was too dry.

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Sirius

It was a dull night. I could tell that from the minute I pulled my frozen dinner out of the microwave and the potatoes weren't cooked all the way. It was just one of those nights. It was a romantic night, cool breezes and soft moonlight and all that crap. And here I was, on a great night for couples, Sirius the ladies' man, with no date. I hated that. I hated everything.

I sat down to eat and at that very minute, the doorbell rang. I swore and kicked my dinner off the table. I got up to see who it was. Here, I open the door and who is it? Mister Moony who just got engaged and why the hell is he at my door?

"What do you want?" I asked.

"Um, well, Mary thought, I mean, I thought that maybe I could take you out tonight."

"What? Ya think the little doggy needs some company and sympathy and you came over to take me out? Oh, save it!" I cut him off. "I don't need your pity, I don't want it either! Go home with the little wife!"

I could see the hurt on his face and it felt good. "Sirius?" he said.

"What? Don't recognize me coz I don't have footprints on my face? I'm sick of getting stepped on, Moony, sick of it!"

"Getting stepped on? What are you talking about?" he was looking as though he'd like to cry. I was glad.

"Oh yeah, pretend like you don't know a thing about it. Well, you wouldn't, seeing as you were in a bloody coma and no one even told ya! Everyone is just stepping aside and letting little Mary take all the credit!"

"Sirius!" he grabbed my shoulders and looked me in the eye. "Leave my future wife out of this."

I could tell he was serious about this, so I took a few deep breaths. "Fine, I'm good, I'm fine. Why are you here again?"

"Well, I was thinking we could go to a pub. Maybe? You know, hang out? Like before?"

He'd let go of me but he'd need to grab me again coz I grabbed a small dog statue off the table and hurled it at the wall. "Like before? Like before?" I screamed, as the statue burst into pieces, on my newly painted wall. "Nothing in my life is like it bloody was before! All my fucking friends are getting married when we vowed we'd stay together! And here I am, Sirius Black, all alone! Never would've thought it, would ya? Nope, not me, sociable, charming me and all that? Well, it's your fault!"

I couldn't stop. The hurt on his face only fueled my anger. "Yep, it's you! You and your bloody ring that you stick on some girl's finger leaving me bloody alone!" I slammed myself down on the couch, crossing my arms.

Remus shook his head like he couldn't believe what was going on. He walked slowly to the couch and sat next to me. We still had this connection, even after I had been so hurtful to him, coz he just put an arm around my shoulders, and let me put my head on his shoulder. Well that did it; I bawled like a kid, I couldn't stop. But he didn't want or expect me too. He just sat there patting my hair and whispering, "it's all right, it's ok, Padfoot," in my ear. The fact that he could still do this after I'd hurt him just killed me. Moony is such a great person, so forgiving.

After a while, I sniffed and wiped my nose on my shirt, which is disgusting and makes Moony sick but he looked the other way and let me do it. "Thanks Moony. I, uh, I really needed that."

"Anytime Padfoot, I mean that." He embraced me and I hugged him back tightly. He kept talking and I almost started bawling again. "Look, pal, we're best friends, ok? I understand that you feel alone and James sort of bailed on us real quick with Lily and all but he needed her at that time. And he's still your friend, just on a different level, ok?" he looked at me.

"Yeah," I said, trying to hold tears back. "I got it. Thanks."

"Well, I gather you're not really in the mood for a pub now, eh?"

I chuckled. "No, not in particular."

"Well, do you want to go back to my place and just have a cup of tea or cocoa?"

"Sure, sure." We grabbed our traveling cloaks and stepped out the door.

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Remus

Sirius had scared me for a minute there. But here he was, being his old joking self again and that put me at ease. We walked to the corner of his block and apparated to my house.

The minute we appeared, I knew something was wrong. Even before I opened my eyes, I could smell smoke. I looked around; Sirius was staring at my house, which was on fire. "Oh my god, Moony." He said.

I started for the house but he pulled me back. "Look!" he hissed in my ear. I stared around, furious at him holding me back. Then I saw it, there at the doorway, figures in black cloaks and masks. The Death Eaters. I was screwed. Sirius pulled me in some bushes, which was fortunate because I don't think my legs would have moved. The Death Eaters walked down the path to my door, toward us. I gasped and Sirius clamped a hand over my mouth. We could hear them talking.

"Well, I don't think anyone was inside." Said one.

"The Dark Lord will not be pleased." Said another.

"Why did he have to go out tonight?" said another, and it was Sirius' turn to gasp. He looked at me and mouthed, 'Bella'.

"I don't know, look, just be pleased we got one of them. Where is Rookwood with the body?"

"Here I am, Avery." Said a new voice that was coming near.

"Excellent, we'll leave it here, for him to find." Said Bella. I wondered whom they were talking about. Which of my friends was dead?

There were four pops and they were gone. Sirius looked at me for a second and then we both got up at the same time. But, I guess Sirius got a glimpse first, because he covered my eyes and spun me around so I couldn't see.

"Sirius!"

"Don't look, Moony. Do not look."

"Why?"

"Trust me, Moony, it's too much of a shock."

"Would you just let me look, Padfoot? Come on!"

"All right, but remember, I tried to spare you."

I rolled my eyes and turned around. The sight was enough to make my knees give way, luckily Sirius caught me. There, on the pavement of my walk lay Mary O'Reilly. Dead. I couldn't take it.

"NO!" I screamed. I broke free of Sirius' grasp and rushed to her side. I felt for a pulse, there was none. I tried countless reviving spells, I tried CPR, nothing happened. Sirius just stood there with the most pitying look on his face. I couldn't fathom it, she was dead. My bride was dead. I sat there, looking at her pale face, still beautiful. She was gone. We'd never get married or have kids or meet our grandkids or grow old together. Never. Never again would she sit across a dining table from me, as we stared at each other, clinking wine glasses happily. It was all over. I might as well be dead. I began to cry. Sirius wrapped his arms around me and did all I needed, he listened.

"I shouldn't have let her go, Padfoot, I'm an idiot, it's all my fault. I hate myself…I lost her…. she's gone…" I sobbed, shaking uncontrollably. I grabbed Mary's hand and kept rubbing it gently with my thumb. I did that for what seemed like hours. Sirius never let go of me.

The Ministry came soon. They told me they needed to take her away. That was hard. It meant it was real; they were taking her body away. I cried harder as they pried my hand off of hers. They carried her lifeless body away and then apparated. I clutched Sirius' cloak in my clenched hands, crying into his chest. He must have apparated the two of us to his flat because the next thing I knew, he was lowering me onto a bed. He kissed my forehead and I remember trying to swat him away. He let me cry all night. I don't think I slept a wink.

It's killing me inside

And now I dread each day

Knowing I can't be saved

From the loneliness of living without you

A/N: well, sorry about that. I had to. Mary had to go to keep the story moving. I apologize. All I ask is that you review. I don't know what it is about this Kelly Clarkson but this is the longest chapter I've written for this story, 5 pages. I'm really proud of it and I wish you would tell me what you thought of it.