"night of the full moon"

Disclaimer: title of the chapter is from Kelly Clarkson's song. Listen to it, it's a Remus song. The characters are J.K. Rowling's, of course. Except for Mary, she's mine, but she's dead. So sad. Also, the idea of the overdose and everything that happens with it comes from "The Apartment", with my sweetie, Jack Lemmon. Great movie.

Author note: thank you for your kind reviews of "The Used"! But, as I said, it was a one-shot. No updates, sorry!

Chapter 8: beautiful disaster

All that's left of me

Is what I pretend to be

So together but so broken up inside

Cause I can't breathe

No I can't sleep

I'm barely hanging on

Kelly Clarkson: "behind these hazel eyes"

Remus

I woke up in Sirius' spare bedroom. For a moment, I didn't understand why I was there. Then I remembered the horrific events of the night before. The love of my life was gone. And it was all the Death Eaters fault. I thought of all the deaths we read about in the paper and how Mary was going to be in the paper today. I couldn't cry anymore. I didn't have any tears left. I'd probably slept three hours the whole night. What was the point in going on?

Sirius

I'll never forget how he looked when I entered the spare bedroom that morning. He was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling, didn't seem to want anything to eat when I asked. It seemed like he had lost the will to live. Mary had been his perfect match. Where was he going to find another? If I could have given all my hair, my beloved hair, for Remus' happiness, I would have done so in a heartbeat. I hated seeing him like this.

Remus

A few days after that morning, I woke up to see an owl perched on the dresser. I got up wearily and pulled the note from its leg. It was from the Ministry, they were done inspecting Mary's body and were sure that it was the Killing Curse. I could have told you that and I didn't use people's tax galleons on complicated equipment. They were 'allowing me' to come pick her up and arrange for a service. This was going to be hard.

Sirius

I tried to be by Remus' side through the whole thing. I was terrified he would do something rash in his despair. I went with him to the Ministry Morgue and to the funeral parlor. We got a nice little garden service; Remus said she'd loved the outdoors. Anyone who had known her could come. Lily and James were there, of course. I thought it was ironic that Mary was dead and they were bringing someone new into the world. It was devastating for Remus. He wore a nice suit and walked around, talking to everyone and pretending he was all right. And then he would come inside to the coffee room and cry on my shoulder. It was too much for him. Looking back, I'm not surprised at what he did later that day.

Remus

The funeral was awful. It pushed me over the edge. I did not need to see all those faces, full of pity for me, looking into the casket and saying a prayer. I wanted to grab Sirius and run out of there, never come back. We could just, buy a house and he would let me cry on his shoulder day and night and we would talk about how much I miss her and there would be no one there to stare at me and say, "I'm sorry." I was sick of it. "I'm sorry" wasn't going to save her now. Where were all these people when she was hit with the curse? Some of the people there were in the Order. Where had they been? But it all came down to me. I should have volunteered to go along and help. Sirius says I would be dead today as well. But I think it would be better to be dead than to feel this ripping in my soul.

Sirius

That night, we came home, tore off our ties and sat on the couch. Remus turned in before me and I watched a late night movie on some muggle channel on my muggle television. A little past midnight, I went to check on the poor, broken man sleeping in my spare bedroom.

I came in and saw him, sleeping, it seemed. I moved toward him to pull the covers onto his body. He was lying on his side, and was breathing shallowly. When I got close enough, I saw there was a small vial next to him. I picked it up and held it close to my eyes. The label read, "sleeping pills", it was half empty and had been full sitting in my bathroom cabinet.

My mind blanked and I seemed to go into autopilot. I picked his limp body up by the shoulders and called his name. I slapped his face.

"Remus?" Slap, slap. "Moony? Come on, Moony, wake up now…" Slap slap. There was no waking him up. I dropped him back onto the pillow and stared for a minute into space. Then I remembered a muggle doctor lived one floor down from me.

I took those stairs faster than the night I had that beautiful blonde all drunk and ready to have a fun night. I banged on the door of the doctor's door. I don't remember what I said to him, it was a blur. I don't think we had ever spoken before but he said he'd go get his bag and meet me in my place.

I ran back and tried, in vain, to wake my friend. The doctor came in after a few minutes and examined Remus.

"Well? What are you going to do?" I said, when he started lifting Remus off the bed.

"I'm going to get that stuff out of his stomach, if it isn't too late." I cringed. He gestured for me to grab his feet and together we got him into the bathroom. "Go put some coffee on." He said to me.

I walked to the kitchen blindly. Thoughts went through my mind as I turned on the tap and filled a coffeepot. Why had he done it? He still had us. The poor guy, he'd never had a girl like Mary. He was probably worried about finding another. He'd loved being in love. I turned on the stove and placed the pot on the burner. I wandered into the hallway outside the bathroom. Horrible retching and coughing noises were coming from beyond the door. I winced, poor Remus.

Soon enough, the doctor emerged from the bathroom with one of Remus' arms slung around his neck. Remus was still unconscious and very pale. The doctor carried him to the living room and dropped him in my easy chair. He rolled up Remus' sleeve and took a syringe out of his bag.

"Well?" he asked me, as he filled the syringe. "Why did he do it?"

"Well, his fiancée was just killed and we had come home from the funeral. It was pretty hard for him. I didn't even see it coming, doctor."

"Not many people do." The doctor responded, scanning Remus' arm for a vein. "If he survives this I recommend you keep a close watch on him in the coming days. They almost always attempt it a second time." Finally choosing a vein, he injected Remus with whatever was in the syringe.

Remus began to groan. The doctor grabbed Remus' hair and slapped his face hard. I turned away. Remus groaned more and the doctor said, "Get the coffee." I hadn't noticed the kettle whistling.

When I came back from the kitchen, the doctor had Remus' face cupped in his hand. "What's his name?" he asked me.

"Remus….Lupin." I responded.

"Remus? Remus? Do you know what you did?"

"I took some…….sleeping pills." Remus mumbled.

His head nodded and the doctor slapped him again. "Do you know where you are?" his head drooped. "Remus! Do you know where you are?"

"Sirius' place….."

"Are you Sirius?" he asked me.

"Yeah…"

He slapped him again. "Remus, you have to stay awake! Gimme the coffee."

I handed him the cup. He brought it to Remus' lips and tipped it. Remus gagged and coughed, coffee dribbled down his chin. "Here, drink this, Remus." The doctor said, tipping the cup to Remus' lips again. He just wouldn't drink it. "Open a window." He instructed me. I ran to the nearest one and wrenched it open. I heard Remus coughing and gagging again.

"Come on, Remus, drink…" the doctor urged. Finally, he seemed to get the idea. The doctor tipped the cup again and he swallowed it willingly.

"Mmm…I'm so tired…." Remus mumbled. "Let me…sleep."

"No, Remus!" the doctor said loudly. "You have to stay awake!"

After Remus had drunk half of the coffee, he beckoned to me, "Here, come and help me, Sirius, was it?"

"Um, yes." I went over by them.

He grabbed one of Remus' arms and I took the other one. "We need to walk him around, to keep him awake." He told me. "Ready, Remus? Right, left, right, left, right, left…"

That's how it went for about three hours. Right, left, right, left, right, left, until the doctor was sure he'd be okay. We brought him into the spare bedroom and laid him down. He curled up under the comforter and closed his eyes.

"He'll sleep on and off for the next 24 hours." He told me. "When he is awake, try to raise his spirits. Play a card game, anything. And keep him away from…things he can use to try again."

"Got it." I said, running a hand thru my hair. What a night.

"Good luck. And maybe we can meet sometime, you know, for lunch or something. A happier occasion to meet with you neighbors, perhaps?"

I nodded. "Sure. And thanks for everything, doctor. Um…" I looked around and patted my pockets. "How much…"

He waved his hand. "No charge. I did it as a neighbor, not as a doctor."

"Thank you." The doctor shook my hand and with that, he was gone. To probably explain to his wife.

I walked into the spare bedroom and sat in a chair next to Remus' bed. I watched his chest rising and falling peacefully. This sure had been an interesting few months. I did know one thing after all this, I loved Remus and I would do anything for him.

"Beautiful Disaster" (Kelly Clarkson)

he drowns in his dreams

an exquisite extreme I know

he's as damned as he seems

more heaven than a heart can hold

and if I tried to save him

my whole world would cave in

it just ain't right

lord, it just ain't right

oh, and I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

He's such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster?

He's magic and myth

As strong as what I believe

A tragedy with

More damage than a soul should see

And do I try to change him?

So hard not to blame him

Hold on tight

Baby, hold on tight

oh, and I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

He's such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster?

I'm longing for love in the logical

But he's only happy hysterical

I'm waiting for some kind of miracle

Waiting so long

He's soft to the touch

But frayed at the ends he breaks

He's never enough

And still he's more than I can take

oh, and I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

He's such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster?

A/N: what did you think? Please, I need your feedback! And don't you love that song? It's such a 'remus song'. Six pages here, whoot! Sigh. I love fanfiction.