Chibiusa sat on the balcony in her chambers of the palace. Looking up at the sky, she gazed at the beauty of the stars. Her hands grasped the railing of the balcony and her feet dangled high above the dark garden below.
She had finally grown. She remembered the days long ago, when she had dreamed of becoming a beautiful maiden. She had hated her ever-childish body, and dreamed of becoming as beautiful as her mother, Neo Queen Serenity.
The stars twinkled down at her as she smiled grimly. How long had it been since she had dreamed like that? She could not remember. But what did that matter, anyway? She was no longer the innocent girl that she had been in those days.
She saw a glimmer of white in the distance. Her heart jerked hopefully as it always did when she saw such things, but it was pressed down quickly. It had been twenty years, and he still had not returned to her. Why should she hope any longer? And she had no dream anymore either. How could he reach her when she had no dream?
She turned her face down to look at the silent garden. Everything was so beautiful. Once she would have smiled at the beauty of the garden on this cloudless night. The white roses seemed to shimmer in the moonlight, and every leaf and flower danced in the light breeze that played across them.
Chibiusa would have loved to smile at that. She would have loved to laugh, to go down into the garden and wander around, admiring the beauty. But all that she could feel now was a faint twinge.
She caught a glance of white again, and her heart jumped once more. She could not help herself looking. But it was only her mother—her mother and father, happily enjoying the moonlit garden's beauty. She watched them silently from her perch on the balcony. Somehow, no matter how she tried to feel happy at watching her parents' happiness together, she could only feel sadder as she continued to watch.
This had by no means been a sudden change in her character. It had come slowly and gradually, so that only her mother and father had ever noticed anything at all. They had sometimes pointed out that she would have once loved things to which she was now indifferent, and looked at her worriedly. But that indifference had come on so gradually, that when she denied that anything was wrong, it was not hard for them to believe that she was simply changing naturally.
And she was definitely changing. But this change was not natural. Chibiusa knew that. Yet, she never felt the desire to tell anyone the real reason for her changed attitude toward the world. She did not want pitying glances or sympathizing words. She wanted only one thing—one thing that they would never be able to give to her.
She still remembered the day that she had parted with Helios in the past. He had said that they would meet again. She had believed him without a doubt. He had always come to her when he said he would, so what reason did she have to doubt him?
So she had returned to the future and waited. She had treasured her dream of becoming a beautiful lady, because that was her dream, and Elyson was the world of dreams. She had known that Helios would not come immediately. It was over a millennium that he would have to wait, and it would be difficult for him to get the exact time of her return right.
Five years after her return, she had found herself beginning to grow. Exited beyond anything else, in a year she had found herself a beautiful lady, just as she had always dreamed. Chibiusa could remember laughing happily all during that year, imagining what Helios would say when he came and saw that her dream had been fulfilled.
A decade had passed after she had parted with Helios in the past when she first began to doubt. Why had Helios not come yet? Surely, even if he could not know the exact day or week, or even month, he would know the year or decade of her return? But he had not come. Chibiusa had tried hard to think of reasons why he had not come. Had he forgotten her in that long millennium? Had he found some other woman with a beautiful dream, and decided that hers was better than his small maiden's? Perhaps she had been a beautiful lady already, with a beautiful dream as well. That sort of person would surely be more appealing that Chibiusa—the one who looked like a small girl, and could only dream of becoming a beautiful lady. Or perhaps it was because her dream had now been fulfilled. Did that cut off all her ties with Elyson? Was that why he had been unable to come?
Determined not to give up easily, Chibiusa had dreamed desperately. She had dreamed of becoming a good queen as her mother was. She had dreamed of becoming stronger than any sailor scout had ever been. She had even dreamt of Helios returning to her. She had dreamt of all she could think of, but Helios still had not come.
As she tried to dream, her hope began to slip away. That was when she had begun to change. Along with her hope, her joy in life, her happiness and her sincere smile all began to slip away. Over the second decade since she had seen Helios, she slowly and gradually lost it all, until there was no hope left, and she had nothing left to lose. All the while, she had known that now, she would have given anything, even her old dream of becoming a beautiful lady, to have Helios back—she would have gladly reverted to the child's body if it meant that Helios would come back.
As she watched her parent tease one another lightly on their romantic moonlit walk, laughing quietly with their arms around one another, she felt something wet hit the back of her hand. Startled, she looked up. Was it starting to rain? The sky had been cloudless when she had last looked… As she looked up, the cold night air freely hit her face, and she found that her cheeks felt chilled. She reached up to touch her cheeks, surprised to find them wet.
I'm crying…
When had she last cried? She could not remember. Not for a decade at least, she was sure. Chibiusa shook her head. What was the point in crying? She firmly wiped her tears, but the silent liquid continued to flow. Finally, giving up her protests, she let her two decades of pain and loneliness begin to leak from her eyes.
But as she allowed the tears to flow, they only began to flow faster, until her body was wracking with silent sobs. She threw her feet over the railing and onto the balcony, where she collapsed into a heap, muffling the now audible sobs in her knees.
Now that she thought about it, she never had had a decent cry over her pain. She had frowned, scowled, and twice even thrown her pillow in frustration, but had not allowed herself to cry. She had tried to hold on to herself as she had been, Chibiusa suddenly realized. That was why she had insisted on people continuing to call her 'Chibiusa', though she was no longer small. That was why she had never cried. She had wanted to remain as the same girl that she had been back then, when Helios had been here.
This realization only caused her body to shake more violently. She pressed her face more tightly into her knees, for fear that her parents, or anyone else who happened to be out that night, should hear.
"Helios…"
She could not help the name escaping her lips. It sounded strange to voice the name that had constantly been on her mind, but never passed her lips, for so many years. She felt her body give a violent shudder as the tears began to flow even more rapidly.
Two arms wrapped themselves gently, but firmly around her, pulling her close to another body.
Chibiusa's head shot up, and she found herself looking into that face that she had wanted to see for so long. Chibiusa felt her eyes widen and her tears stop in shock, as though she were in a daze. She blinked. It did not feel real at all. But the warm arms around her and the solid body next to her felt real, and the worried expression on that face seemed more real than ever.
Shakily, Chibiusa reached up a hand to touch his cheek. It was warm and solid. He could not possibly be a hallucination. She felt her whole body begin to tremble, still feeling as though she were in a daze.
"…Helios…?"
Her voice was barely a whisper, as though she did not dare say it too loudly, lest she be wrong. The face that had been looking worriedly down at her smiled sadly.
"Small Lady… I am sorry for being so late."
Somehow, that was enough. The years of pain and torment seemed to vanish in an instant, and with a wide, sincere smile that should have been unfamiliar to her face, her trembling stopped and she threw her arms around Helios with a laugh.
Burying her face in his shoulder, Chibiusa felt the arms around her tighten. This triggered the tears again, which had stopped abruptly in shock, and she began to laugh and cry into his shoulder, not even sure herself what she felt. All she knew was that there was a turmoil of emotions within her, and the strongest was limitless joy.
She was not surprised when she felt something wet dripping onto her head, either. Without knowing why, she knew that Helios felt just as she did, and without looking up, only pulled him closer, her own tears continuing to flow as well, her laughs muffled by his shoulder. When he buried his face into the top of her head, she was not surprised, either, to feel his wide smile.
After a while, both had exhausted their tears and laughter, but continued to sit on the floor of the balcony.
"I was worried," Chibiusa said simply, finally breaking the silence. Helios' arms loosened, and she pulled back to look at his face. He was looking down at her, his expression sad, but otherwise unreadable.
"I know. I couldn't find you—you don't have any dream any more. You want to get rid of the dream that was fulfilled. I couldn't find you," Helios repeated, shaking his head sadly. He looked up at Chibiusa. "Why, Maiden? You always dreamed of being a beautiful lady, and now you are, yet you wish to throw your dream away now that you have it?"
Chibiusa looked at Helios in surprise.
"No…" she said slowly, trying to choose her words carefully. "I just… I had another dream. I wanted you to come back, and I didn't mind reverting to my old childish body if you just came back."
Helios shook his head, looking Chibiusa straight in the eye.
"Never do that," he said firmly. "Never throw away one dream for the sake of another, or you'll never be happy. I was bound to come either way—whether your dream was fulfilled or not had nothing to do with it. It isn't wrong to have a new dream once one is fulfilled. But please," his brow furrowed slightly, and his grip tightened. "Don't throw away one dream for the sake of another. It doesn't make any sense."
Chibiusa looked back at Helios, bewildered. Now that he said it, it seemed so clear. How had she not seen that? She looked down, ashamed.
"I'm sorry…" Chibiusa whispered. She was about to say more, when Helios tightened his arms again, holding her tightly to himself once more.
"Don't apologize—I know you know. It's just… It shocked and scared me so much when I found that you were ready to throw away that dream that you had always felt so strongly about, and…" Helios' voice trailed off.
Chibiusa pulled slightly back and looked at him. Helios looked back at her with saddened eyes. Suddenly, feeling as though he were about to leave again, Chibiusa tightened her arms around his back.
"You have to leave again? …Helios, I'm a lady now—my dream came true. I couldn't wait to show you. But if you leave…" Chibiusa felt herself beginning to tremble once more at the thought, and felt Helios' arms tighten around her waist in response. She changed the track of her words in an attempt to stop the trembling. "Helios, I never really threw away my dream. It's just that…I had a more important dream, and I got a little carried away in wanting that dream to come true. That dream…"
A small smile appeared on Helios' face as he realized that she feared his departure. As she paused, wondering what to say, he leaned down, gently and briefly pressing his lips against hers. Her eyes widened in surprise.
"I'm never going to be so far out of your reach again, Maiden. I still must rule Elyson, but I'll be right here with you as I do." His words were whispered, and Chibiusa knew that they were true. With a smile, she looked up at him, and behind him, she saw the sky. The stars still twinkled beautifully, but something was different about it. It took her a moment before she realized that her smile had widened at the sight of the beautiful night sky.
"The sky is beautiful," she murmured. Helios smiled and looked up as well.
"It always is. You just need to be able to feel it." At his words, Chibiusa buried her face back into his shoulder.
"Just like you were always here."
Helios looked back down at Chibiusa in surprise.
"You knew?" Chibiusa shook her head in reply.
"I just can feel it somehow… All those years, while I felt like everything was slipping, there was always some part in the back that was still the old me—that never even considered throwing away my dream, that let me keep joy and happiness and hope. That was why no one ever seemed to notice much change—because a part of me never did change. I just never realized it was there… And all that time, you were right here with it."
Helios rested his chin on her head, and his back on the railings of the balcony.
"Not quite. I was there, but not wholly. Like you, I was in despair—I couldn't find you, like I said. But then, just now, when I let it all go… When I stopped clinging so tightly to hope and the past, I noticed you, right here… And that you'd been here all along."
Chibiusa smiled widely.
"We sound like idiots. Two whole decades of being right beside each other and never realizing it…"
Helios chuckled.
"But we have the rest of our lives to make up for it."
"Yes, we do."
The End
'Chibi' in Japanese means 'small'.
A/NOkay, it's 1:15 in the morning. I just spent three hours writing this. I wanted to write a Helios/Chibiusa so badly, and I knew the general outline of what the story would be—that I'd planned something like half a year ago, but couldn't actually write it. But finally, it's done.
I know it's a bit confusing… If you don't understand, you can make up your own mind about what they mean, or if you want, you can email me, and I'll tell you what I intended it to mean.
But whether you email me or not, review! Please!