Chapter XVII

Arguments

((James's POV))

My life was simply brilliant.

Why had I done such an idiotic thing that night? I could have been with Lily, but I just took whatever hope there was left and ripped it to pieces. And Lily hated me for it.

I pondered this all the next day. I tried remembering everything I said, but every time I recounted something, it wouldn't seem so mean, because I was thinking about it. I did remember hearing Lily sobbing in her room as I opened my own.

There was no use in apologizing. She hated me. She ignored me completely. Her hair was a mess the next day. She often looked on the verge of tears. And I had caused that.

What I had said about her Patronus the day before was untrue. I knew it meant something. If she had been able to conjure one in, say, third year, would it have been a doe? Or was it a doe because of her feelings for me?

Oh, and Gryffindor honor. Where had I come up with that? Well, yes, it was partly Gryffindor honor, because shewas a Gryffindor, and I wanted her to keep her honor, but mainly I hexed Lestrange so she would be brought down. Because I cared about her.

Even though I liked her knickers, however briefly I got to look at them.

Watching Remus and Rose kiss in the common room was the worst. It made me think about the times Lily and I had done that. I had a real knack for ruining things.

I didn't go to the Marauders for help on this one. Not that I went to them for help on anything; they usually started giving me advice before I had even said anything. Every time they tried to say something, I would just get up and walk away. Besides, what sort of advice would they have?

Sirius: "Look, mate, at that Ravenclaw girl over there. Ask her out while I snog Hollie."

Remus: "Just apologize to Lily and hope for the best. I'm going to go snog Rose."

Peter: "I agree with Sirius! I'm going to go snog my pillow now."

All they would do was give me lousy advice and make me jealous of them.

I had agonized over this. I wasn't doing as well in Quidditch practices, and we had a match at the end of May. The swiftly warming weather didn't bring my spirits up. I knew I had to do something, or else I would have been thinking over it, for the rest of my life: what could I have done in seventh year that would have changed my life? And this was it.

Finally, I had the courage.

It was after Lily and I had finished patrolling one evening, in Gryffindor common room. Most of the Gryffindors were studying for the finals. It was late, about midnight, when the common room began emptying a little. The seventh years stayed out late, though. It was about a quarter till one when Lily got up and started for our common room.

"Lil—Evans, wait," I said, jumping out of my seat to catch her arm.

She looked at me, startled. "You aren't going to yell at me, are you? Because, if you are, you've wasted your time."

"No." I shook my head. "I wanted to…apologize for the other night. I wasn't being very considerate of your feelings."

She snorted. "You've gotten that much right. How long will it take you to figure out that you were not only being inconsiderate, but you were also ripping my heart out, throwing it on the ground and stamping on it, and then tossing it in the lake for the grindylows to eat! And don't say that my heart is still perfectly intact, because you know what I mean!"

"I didn't realize it then," I said.

"Obviously!" She turned to leave, but I caught her hand again. "Get off, she muttered."

"No," I replied stubbornly. "I'm not leaving until you give me a decent reason not to accept my apology."

"You want a decent reason?" she snapped. "I'll give you a decent reason! How come it is a decent enough reason for you not to make up with me because I hurt you? I apologized, and what was your excuse for not forgiving me? Oh, I 'ripped you heart out.' That's my reason for not forgiving you, as well! I'm only showing you the same courtesies you've shown me."

"Lily, please, I'm asking you!" I shouted. "I know I've made a mistake. And I'm apologizing for it. Give me this one chance."

"Potter," she spat. "All you are is an arrogant prat that spends more time in front of the mirror than any other boy. I am depriving you of the one thing you have never had! Nothing tragic has ever happened to you, has it? Hm? Nothing! You don't know what it's like to feel pain, and I'm making that happen."

"My cousin died in third year," I countered quietly. "You remember that."

"That was one time!" Lily shouted. "Have you felt pain numerous times?"

"Yes," I said. "I felt pain every time this year you refused to go out with me. I felt pain for you when your cousin died. I felt pain when you walked in on Sylvia and me snogging in that broom closet. I felt pain when you went to the ball with Derek Timbleton. I felt pain when you broke up with me only because I'm an Animagus! And I'm feeling pain now. Because I love you, Lily."

She was turning to leave, and stopped abruptly. She swiveled on the spot so she could look at me. Her green eyes were already wet. "What?" she said, almost inaudibly.

"I love you," I said, taking her hand again and pulling her to me.

She was staring into my eyes, dreamlike, as though she had never been mad at me before. "James," she said, running a hand through my hair."I suppose I do, too."Lily closed her eyes, as though she was waiting for something, and I knew what it was. I leaned down and kissed her softly, lovingly.

And that was the best kiss we had ever had.

A/N: Whoa, is it just me, or did that chapter go really fast? Thanks to all of my faithful reviewers. ; It makes me happy every time I see a review alert in my inbox. Keep 'em comin'!

Also: I'll be gone for the next week. Seeing happy deer! Haha. Yeah, I'm laughing at my own jokes now. I'm such a smurf. Anyway, so I won't be updating for a week. But Ilove all of you.