"Rubber Duckie, you're so fine
And I'm lucky that you're mine
Rubber duckie, I'm awfully fond of -
Rubber duckie, I'd like a whole pond of -
Rubber duckie I'm awfully fond of you!
(doo doo, be doo.)"
-Rubber Duckie, Jim Henson
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
In which Hermione receives multiple surprises and Draco resumes his breakdown…
September 29, 2003
By the time Hermione got around to Palais du Malfoi, she was feeling slightly under the weather. Partly, she was still angry at Draco. Why was it that he could never just listen? He could never just think for a moment. He always just had to throw fits about everything. What was she, his babysitter? She could barely stand to come and talk to him again, but she knew she had to. She had to at least give him the benefit of the doubt and try to explain how she saw things before completely writing him off.
The fact that it was a Monday morning probably had some negative effect on her mood, as well.
She banged around on the porch for some time until the house itself grew tired of her and opened the door. She was slightly perplexed by the door suddenly creaking open of its own accord, but not too perplexed to go in. Upon entry, she was greeted by a wary elf, who asked her where she was going in a tone that could almost be called disdainful.
"I'm looking for Draco?" Hermione took off her shoes (a habit she'd never quite broken in three years living by herself) and placed them by the door.
The elf frowned. "Mistress is accepting all visitors who is coming today," it squeaked. "I is showing you to her." With that the elf turned and started off the way it had come. Hermione hesitated for a moment and then decided to follow. After all, while Narcissa may have been a bit eccentric, she was practically family.
She followed the elf down the now all-too-familiar black marble halls, past portraits of Malfoys past and present. Somewhere ahead of them, a dull thudding was pounding in the walls. As they drew nearer to the source, Hermione recognized it as a beat, a very fast beat. The elf paused in front of a large pair of double doors. Hermione could hear splashing and smell… chlorine?
"You is going in now," the elf ordered. Hermione was torn between being proud of its self-worth and offended that she was being ordered at all. She settled for going in.
The abundance of light beyond the doors was such a drastic contrast to the darkness in the halls that it took Hermione a moment to see anything but sun spots. When she could finally see, it still took her a long moment to get her bearings.
She was standing on the edge of an enormous indoor pool. The high, vaulted ceiling and the equally high walls were all made of glass, inlaid with heavily-polished wood beams. Light streamed in and sparkled on the surface of water that was impossibly blue. Tables with yellow umbrellas and long wooden lounge chairs were arranged at pleasing angles on the boardwalk-style deck.
Hermione barely noticed any of this, however, because the far wall was covered in the most amazing collection of indoor waterfalls that she'd ever seen. A mini indoor-mountain had been built, and countless waterfalls ran down its face, varying in size from the insignificant trickle near the bottom, to the full-blown torrent set just perfectly off-center. Ferns and other greenery sprung out on ledges and real moss grew in the cracks. Hermione thought it was single most beautiful piece of useless crap she'd ever seen.
"Helen! Darling!" she heard someone calling from a long way off. She forced herself to stop watching the waterfalls and find the faceless voice. She saw Narcissa blowing kisses at her from atop a Very High diving platform. "You've come just in time to see my routine!"
"What routine?" Hermione was about to ask, but couldn't because at that moment Narcissa dove forwards into the air and, despite all laws of nature, managed to find time between jumping and landing to do three flips, her knees tucked close to her head until the last, pinnacle moment when she released herself to the air and slid effortlessly into the water, three bubbles the only sign that she'd been there at all.
While Narcissa was still flipping around under the water, Hermione took the time to notice the beat again. It was fairly obnoxious, actually, and it came with no signs of stopping.
After a few long moments her mother-in-law-to-be (she hoped) popped up again, all smiles and waterproof make-up.
"Who were you looking for?" Narcissa asked.
"Draco." Hermione replied, as though it weren't painfully obvious.
"Oh. Then, no."
"No, what?" Hermione asked, but Narcissa had already propelled herself backwards and under the water, pointing her feet up and over her head as she flipped over. Hermione walked after her along the edge as she moved along under the water.
"How was that?" Narcissa asked as she popped up again.
"How was what?"
"My dolphin! How was my dolphin?"
Hermione was beginning to think that Narcissa was, maybe, a bit more eccentric than she'd counted on. Flips were one thing, they may even have been a nice thing, invisible dolphins were quite another. "Dolphin...?" she asked.
Narcissa laughed. "My dolphin! It's synchronized swimming, puppet!"
"Oh?"
"That's what the music's for, of course. I need to keep in time, don't I?"
"Of course," Hermione guessed, though she really had no idea what Narcissa was going on about.
"Here, watch this!"
Before Hermione could tell her that no, actually, she did not have time to watch the entirety of Narcissa's synchronized swimming routine, the swimmer in question was climbing back up the diving platform, much faster than should have been possible of a woman her age.
"Trust me, darling. Your going to love it!" she said, pausing to stretch as she walked towards the edge. She snapped and an upbeat techno song took over for the beat. "Just love it!"
Hermione sighed and, despite what she might rather be doing (which involved telling Narcissa exactly what she could do with that dolphin), she resigned herself to loving a synchronized swimming routine. She moved some towels and sat under one of the superfluous umbrellas.
When she looked up, Narcissa was already halfway to the pool. The lack of splash did not seem nearly as impressive the second time around.
A few moments later, she appeared again, or, at least, her legs appeared. She kicked around in the air for a bit, and then sank down again. Then she was laying on the surface of the water, spinning round and round in circles with one leg pointed not-quite-straight-up in the air. It was impressive but, Hermione thought with a pang of guilt, not all that pretty.
Then she flipped her legs back and, with a tremendous splash, she was under again.
She repeated this a few times, and then did another dolphin. Hermione still didn't think it looked very much like a dolphin… and how was what Narcissa was doing synchronized swimming? Who was she synchronized with?
Just as Hermione was wondering at the absurdity of it all, Narcissa did the most absurd thing yet. As the techno beat pounded she threw her legs into the air and spun them around as if she were riding an upside-down bicycle. Hermione caught a giggle halfway out of her mouth, so that it came out as a kind of hack-snort. Honestly, the things some witches did to pass the time!
When her legs were successfully sunk again, Hermione allowed herself a tiny giggle. Then, there was another tremendous splash as, in accordance with the music (it building to a tremendous climax of electronic pounding and synthesizer), Narcissa propelled herself out of the water in an enormous backflip, which involved a lot of spinning around in the air, bending and unbending her legs and smiling like a Cheshire cat with petrol on its teeth. She dove back into the water to uproarious applause (Hermione never did discover where the applause was coming from.)
Hermione finally had to admit. The backflip was pretty cool.
Finally, the routine was over and Narcissa was gracefully hopping out of the pool. "Oh, darling!" she said, standing and adjusting her black two-piece. Hermione felt a bit self-conscious seeing a woman twice her age looking twice as good as her in a bikini. "I just adore synchro! It's the only way to get in shape, you know. I started after I had Draco, you know what awful things a baby does to your body." She gently patted Hermione's stomach. "But don't you worry, we'll fix your tummy just as soon this little cherub is born."
Hermione glanced in what she hoped was a loving way down at her empty abdomen.
"How far along are you, now?" Narcissa asked, drying herself off with one of the fluffy blue towels. "Three months? Four?"
Hermione did some fast math. "Almost at one now, actually."
"Ah, well." Narcissa smiled. "Some women just grow faster than others, I guess. Biscuit?"
"Huh?"
"Would you like to come have a biscuit and some tea with me in the kitchen?"
"Oh, no, thank you. I've actually come to see Draco." Hermione repeated.
"Oh." Narcissa walked past Hermione and through a door she hadn't noticed before. "Don't follow now, I'm changing!" she called in a sing-song voice.
Hermione waited outside, debating whether she ought to be polite or dynamic. Impatience and dynamic tendencies won out after a few, long moments and she knocked.
"One moment, darling!" Narcissa called.
"No, that's alright Narcissa. I just need to know where I can find him and I'll be on my way."
"Oh," the door opened and Narcissa stepped out, wearing smart black gaucho pants and a sharp gray blazer. "You can't see him, not today." She walked quickly out through the double doors. Hermione headed after her, almost-but-not-quite running to match her long strides.
"But..." Hermione panted, "why not?"
Narcissa did not answer immediately but turned sharply down a side corridor. "Why not what?"
"Why can't I see him today? Why not now?"
Quite suddenly, the clacking of patent-leather heels against marble stopped. Narcissa had stopped in front of a black door identical to all the others. "You cannot see him today…" Narcissa pushed the door open and clacked inside. "…because he is visiting with his grandmother and they have quite a lot to discuss so I don't think they'll be out of his room until sometime after midnight. Would you like a biscuit?"
"No, thank you." They were in a very large kitchen decorated in a country/French style with green marble countertops and cream-colored cabinets. A fire was spitting and hissing in a brick fireplace on one wall.
Narcissa frowned. "They're very good."
"No, that's alright. I'm not hungry. I ate before I came." Hermione explained.
"Okay, well then, do sit down." Hermione complied. Narcissa bustled about, moving pots and pans but not really doing anything. Finally, she pulled a cord, which was hanging from the ceiling above the sink, and almost instantly, a house-elf dressed in a potato sack came tripping through the door. Narcissa merely nodded at it and it bustled out through the door across the way.
"You know…" Hermione started.
"I like our elves. Our elves like us. The end." Narcissa snapped, lifting a brown bag from the ground and dumping its contents, about thirty letters, onto the table. "Oh, Hester, look!" Narcissa beamed, all smiles again. "Letters!" She tore one open and pulled the crisp white paper from within as though she were de-slugging an escargot.
The house-elf returned with a tray of tea and a pile of snacks on plates. It laid it on the table and walked out. Narcissa handed one of the plates to Hermione.
"What is this?" she asked.
"Your biscuit." Narcissa replied.
"But…I…"
"They're very good."
Hermione sighed… again. "Where'd he get all the food from?" she finally asked.
"The kitchen, of course!" Narcissa laughed.
Hermione looked around. "This isn't the kitchen?"
Narcissa leaned down and smiled pityingly. "This isn't their kitchen," she said, as though Hermione had asked if the sky was blue. She turned back to the letter
"Oh."
"Oooh! Hallie! Listen to this!" she sat down across from Hermione and cleared her throat. "'Dear Mrs. Malfoy," she read, holding the crisp white letter in front of her like a royal decree. "'Of course, we will be more than delighted to attend the wedding on October the Fifth. We are eagerly awaiting the opportunity to see you and your beautiful family there. Thank you for inviting us, Thumbelina and Fiona Fudge.' Oh, Harmony, isn't that exciting?"
"Who's wedding is this?" Hermione asked. She'd been so wrapped up in her own wedding that she'd barely had time to think about anyone else who might be having one.
Narcissa laughed. "Yours, of course!"
Hermione suddenly lost all ability to hear. "Who's?"
"Yours! Your wedding, silly!"
It took her a moment to comprehend but then: "You sent out invitations to MY WEDDING without asking ME!"
"But, of course! I knew you wouldn't have the time!" Narcissa beamed, opening another letter. "Oh, here's another one. 'Dearest and most esteemed Mrs. Malfoy,' oh, that sounds nice, doesn't it?"
"Wait, but, you invited my friends?"
"Well, I'm certain I don't know, darling! There's only so many people we can hold in our house!"
"Well, but…" Hermione's mind was reeling. She was only just hearing what Narcissa had actually said. "What day is it?"
"The fifth, of course! A Sunday. A Beautiful day for a wedding says the Prophet."
"The fifth of… December?"
"December? No! October the fifth. A beautiful, warm Sunday."
"But…" Hermione was counting off on her fingers. "That's less than a week away!"
"Oh, darling, I know it's soon but…" She smiled down at Hermione's stomach again. She whispered, "… we can't have you… showing."
"But… I…"
"Come now," Narcissa stood. "Your mother and sister will be here any minute. We've got to go."
"But…" Hermione followed her in a daze. "Where are we going?"
"We can't have you getting married in your knickers, can we?" She laughed. "No! You need a dress!"
Draco Malfoy was being taunted by a rubber duck.
He held it right up to his nose with both hands and stared unblinkingly into its bright blue eyes.
The corners of his mouth were turned down by a greater force than gravity; but the snot-nosed little bird smiled on, taunting him with its unwavering happiness.
"Why can't you miss me?" he asked it. His voice was hoarse from yelling at nothing in particular for the larger part of all night. It did not answer, but only continued smiling. He couldn't stand it any more.
The duck hit his dresser with a reverberating BOOM! The dresser rattled. The duck bounced away. Draco was frozen mid-throw, as though he couldn't believe his own arm.
"Here," Mum reached under the dresser and found the unlucky little duck. "I can see we've got a lot of work to do." She sat down on the edge of his bed and made herself comfortable. "Now, this, Granger girl. She's something special."
Draco swallowed. "That seems highly irrelevant. She doesn't want me."
Mum scoffed. "Doesn't want you? What woman in their right mind could not want a handsome man like you? Come on! Don't forget, your blood's one-fourth mine, and even if you only looked a quarter as good as I do you'd still be quite a catch. Quite clearly, this woman is not in her right mind."
Draco drew a sleeve across his eyes. "There's nothing we can do about it."
"Ha! 'Nothing we can do about it'." She smiled. "Kid, you're sounding like your mother. Now, what are you? A man, or a Malfoy?"
He didn't answer immediately and so she did it for him.
"You're a Malfoy, and if you want something you are going to have it. Generations of Slytherins did not make a boy without cunning. How are you going to win her back?"
Draco lay back into his pillows. "She doesn't want me!"
"That's irrelevant!" she snapped. "What do you like about her?"
"Nothing," he said. "She's the bossiest person I've ever met."
Cordelia groaned. "But you love her, or you wouldn't have tried to kill this duck."
Draco said nothing.
"Fine," she said. "I guess I thought you were better than that, is all. Bye, love."
He heard her heels clacking away but did not turn to watch her go; he was too busy watching the ceiling. Somewhere in the upper limits of his room, a plan was hatching, a more brilliant plan than had yet seen the light of day.
He was going to win back Hermione Granger, regardless of whether or not she wanted to be won, and he was going to do it the Malfoy way: with blackmail, bribery, and loads of cash.
A/N: Review? Please? Please tell me if some parts didn't make any sense or if I should add something... or what. I you're confused, please tell me. That seems to be one of my problems.