My name is Kagura Souma. I'm the boar of the Chinese zodiac, but that really is beside the point. For years I carried around a horrible secret, far worse than the transformation I would undergo. I lived a lie, and forced myself on someone who didn't love me. I knew it all the long really. I forced myself in the beginning to love him, truth be told. I hated myself for the way I treated him, using his sad existence to make myself feel better. My Kyou-kun, except that he really isn't mine to claim. I don't deserve him, however much I may love him. Because, in the end, that's the truth…I love him. However it began, I grew to truly adore the cat.
Still, it doesn't change how he feels for me. He told me so, when I confessed to him how I felt, my true motives for acting how I did. He told me he would never love me, and held me as I cried. I suppose I always knew that we were never meant to be, I knew for sure from the moment I met her. Tohru Honda, the girl who learned our secret. She's the one he loves. She can gaze upon him in his true form, and however frightened she may be…she won't run. Not like I did. I disgust myself.
I haven't faced him since that day, when he learned the truth. I can't bring myself to do it, I can't look at him. It's selfish of me, I know, but even though I know he'll never care, I want to hold onto that dream, that wonderful dream that someday, I'll be his. I never want to release that image of him, holding me as I cried, showing that he cared. That's the Kyou-kun I long to know, I long to feel his arms around me even now. But such things can never be.
These thoughts all run through my head as I walk towards the store, mother having asked me to pick up a few things for her. I didn't want to go, but she insisted. So here I am list in my hand. Imagine my surprise when I turn into an isle just to hear his voice. I look up, and there it is, that oh so familiar orange hair. My beloved, Kyou-kun…and standing at his side is that girl. I can't even bring myself to hate her, she's made him so happy…made the entire zodiac so happy.
Oh god, no. I can feel the tears begin to form as I quickly start to turn away. I don't want to see them. I don't want to see how happy he looks, or the way she's smiling so tenderly at him. But I'm too late. I hear Tohru call my name, and I quickly try to hide my tears as I turn once more to face them.
He's looking at me, and I know he realizes I had seen them before. He seems almost unsure of my actions. Not that I blame him, it's the first time in a long while that I haven't greeted him with a violent show of affection. I mumble a greeting, looking at the half full basket clutched in my hands. It's an awkward moment, and I'm sure they can feel the tension too. But Tohru just keeps smiling sweetly. I wonder if they've told each other yet how they feel.
I hate to admit it, but I can't help wondering if Tohru can really love him like I do. It's not my place to ask though. She may not love him as much, but that's not what matters. All that matters is how he feels, and he loves her. He loves her more than he could ever love me.
The tears are coming back again. I can hardly hold them in. Tohru is trying to be polite, to make conversation, but I hardly listen. She asks what I'm doing there; at least I think that's what she said. I tell her like an idiot that I'm shopping. My mind is anywhere but here. My mind is back in the park that day when I confessed to Kyou. My mind is feeling his arms around me as I weep.
I haven't finished with the shopping yet, but I can't stay there. I can't let Kyou see me like this. I quickly excuse my self, heading for the door. I don't even take the time to actually purchase what groceries I had. I leave them on a shelf near a checkout, and make a beeline for the door. Then the tears start to flow freely as I walk. But I don't go home; instead I go to the park. The wonderful, wretched, park where I first met my love and last felt he was mine alone.
I find a stick and I crouch in the dirt, my arms wresting upon my knees. And I weep. I cry for the love I feel, and the pain of knowing it can never be returned. I know it's my own fault for forcing myself to feel love for him…but I would have loved him anyway…probably. The stick in my hand has been idly drawing as I think. I look down, and have to stifle a sob as I see the figure I have drawn. A fried egg drawn in the dirt may not mean much to anyone but me, but it will always be associated with that first time I met him.