Masculinity Pushed To It's Limits, a harry potter fanfic

Author's Ramblings: Some of you may feel the dire need to hit me after you've read this but I was bored and I find it amusing. But that just might be me.

Favors, duh: Please read and review!

Oh, and: It's not really that long. A lot of it is spaces. Believe me. LOL.

-Masculinity Pushed To It's Limits-

MONDAY

This is my first entry in my incredibly masculine diary – I mean, journal. Yes, this is a journal, not a diary. That's exactly why there are only two frilly bows on the cover instead of four or so. That would be a girl's diary. This is a boy's. A boy's journal, I mean.

I can honestly see why Sirius threw such a fit about me buying this. But how else am I supposed to vent about what Lily does to me? Hmm? I mean, last time I told Sirius he told me to suck it up, to quit being such a Nancy-boy, to put my skirt away and get back up on the damn horse.

Easy for him to say. Well I know what he keeps under his pillow. Yeah, that thong he thinks is a secret. Ha! Wait until the school finds out about THAT!

Of course, people would just look at Sirius and ask how he'd kept the girl's knickers without her noticing. They wouldn't believe that he wore thongs. Well … if only they had the unfortunate timing of seeing him lose his towl. Psh. The bloke wears that thong all the time. I can't believe his buttocks aren't permanently separated from all that fabric in his crack.

Unless he had something surgical done so he doesn't have one anymore. I'm almost positive he doesn't have a vital piece of "masculinity" anymore – I was sure of that after I saw him squeal at a pair of pink dress robes. WITCH'S pink dress robes.

But anyway … I bought this diary – journal, I mean – so I could document everything that Lily does to me. There's only about a hundred-or-so pages in here, so it should last a very long time. Unless she starts to PMS and "Punishes Men Severely" the men being me, of course.

Because I'm a man.

A sexy man.

Who happens to own a diary – journal, I mean. JOURNAL!

Well … Lily Evans hasn't had a chance to do anything to me today, besides make me fall even more madly in love with her. So I guess that concludes today. Monday. What a fabulous Monday it was.

Over and out,

Prongs

TUESDAY

I am now in the bathroom. Hiding.

No, not from Sirius like last time. That was different. He had a bra that he was using as a slingshot to aim Biting Paint Balls at me. And just because I accidentally made the mistake of running into the girl's bathroom DOES NOT mean that I am (like Sirius suspects):

Gay. (Although I've got a couple retorts for him if he would like to bring it up again. I saw him snogging those knickers last night. He can't deny it.)

Perverted. (Actually, that's a bit true, but don't tell Evans.)

Evans found out that I spiked her pumpkin juice with love potion. Again. And she took it to her liberty to – er – pelt me with love notes. From Snivellus.

That she claims are real. That she says she found in his diary.

And a gay boy like that is sure to have a diary.

Unlike me, he's actually got a pink one with a big flower on the top. And I guess his mummy wrote "My Sevvy Baby" on it … in siwrly blue cursive.

Rumor has it he even takes it in the loo with him.

Ha. Gay. He is so totally gay.

Don't look at me like that! My mum did NOT buy this for me and mine is MASCULINE!

And it's a journal.

A JOURNAL, DAMMIT!

Whoops. I guess I shouldn't have yelled that. A first year obviously thought that a ghost or something was taking a piss.

I wonder if ghosts use the bathrooms. I should ask Nick that when I get a chance.

That's really interesting. I mean, HOW would they do that? Like, how do they even get their transparent pants down? Actually, no. That's nasty. No one wants to see a transparent piece of arse.

A transparent piece of DEAD arse.

Ew, that's just nasty.

Oh, yeah … so I'm hiding out in the loo.

The BOY'S loo.

Waiting till the coast is clear.

Over and out,

Prongs

WEDNESDAY

Lily Evans has fallen in love with me!

FINALLY!

And just because I'm so happy, I'm going to make a million weird things just to pass the time away.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Woo. That was hard. I wonder if there's some muggle device that you could use to do that, that would make all these 'A's' appear in less than a minute.

Wow, that'd be really cool.

Meanwhile, that REALLY cramped my hand. Ow.

Oh, look, Sirius is walking up to me. Remus seems to have him by the ear. Oh, hang on-

James is no longer fit to write in his "Diary" because he is now dead, in the Gryffindor common room. Memorial services will be held Friday, near the Quidditch Pitch. If anyone cares to give his belongings away, they can be sent to Sirius Black. If any girls wish to shag James Potter, well, its too late, now isn't it?

WEDNESDAY
(later)

Lily Evans does NOT love me.

It turns out that that banner – the one in the Gryffindor common room – was NOT made by Lily.

It was, in fact, made by Sirius Black.

The newly known gay-ass-bitch-boob at Hogwarts.

Yes.

He is a GAY-ASS-BITCH-BOOB.

So I will now go and

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(Cry.)

I mean – er – go and beat up – beat up some old lady in my anger! Yes! That's…

-Sobs-

O'er 'n Ou',

Prongs

THURSDAY

Lily Evans.

I WANT LILY EVANS.

Lily Evans.

Lily Evans Potter?

Lily Evans.

LILY EVANS!

Lily Evans doesn't like James Potter.

Lily Evans.

I, James Potter, LOVE LILY EVANS!

With all my heart.

Lily Evans.

James Potter loves Lily Evans.

Lily Evans.

I WANT LILY EVANS!

THURSDAY

(later)

I think I'll become gay. That would solve a LOT of my problems. Then no girl would be able to not love me because I was gay. And then I wouldn't have to worry about heartbreak and shit.

I'll ask Sirius if I can borrow one of his thongs.

THURSDAY

(even later)

I can't believe Lily Evans doesn't like me. That little sexy red-head doesn't like me, the hottest bloke in HOGWARTS!

Well fine. I'll go snog some other little slut.

Not that there are any sluts in Hogwarts. At least, there won't be until, like, 2006 or something. Cause each year they get sluttier and shorter. That's all. Cause when I was a 2nd year, and saw all those little 1st years march in with those "homemade" skirts that were an inch below the bum. Sheesh.

Not that I'm a girl or own a skirt or anything.

But they do get sluttier with each year.

Even the boys. Have you SEEN the 1st years this year? Slutty and man-whore-ish.

Geez.

I'm the only REAL stud here.

I'm off to snog someone.

Over and Out,

Prongs

(aka SNOG MASTER)

FRIDAY

This is just about the most ADORABLE thing EVER! Its black with these two frilly bows on the corner and oh! I can't believe I was fortunate enough to pick it up! It was just sitting there, outside the broom closet when I found it! Oh, I'm so lucky!

I think someone might've used this though. But no one put a name in the front cover or anything, and I think it'd be rude to, like, read it. That'd be an invasion of privacy.

So I think that whoever it belonged to just didn't want it anymore … so I'm going to write in it for now on!

Oh, yes, I do suppose you're wondering who I am, right? Well, I guess I don't need to introduce myself to MY diary … but what if someone else reads this? Actually, no, that'd never happen. I wouldn't be so careless as to leave this hanging around somewhere where someone could read it! Heavens no! But maybe, like, in five years or so when I get married my husband will want to know what I got up to in my Hogwarts days so I can whip this out for him.

Well … anyways.

I'm Lily Evans.

But I'm sure you – my diary – already know that!

-Sighs-

It's been so hectic lately. There hasn't been a SINGLE MINUTE where I can lie down and just think. James Potter – the most ARROGANT prat in the world has been professing his love like mad to me ever since we first met, but, oddly, he isn't doing it anymore. It's a bit disappointing really.

I hate to admit this, but you're my diary, so my secrets are safe here, right?

Well … I kind of think James Potter is … well, sweet.

He's really softened up a bit … and he's so much more tolerable. If I were to chance a guess I'd have to say he's a bit … vulnerable.

He's like a really big, overgrown puppy. He's got the big bulky – arrogant – exterior, but a big mooshy puppy heart inside. It's so sweet.

But don't let anyone hear me say that, or I'll end up dating James Potter.

Not that that's BAD or anything. It's just … after all these years and stuff it'd be kind of … weird … to agree to go out with him after nearly 6 or so years of turning him down. Embarrassingly. In front of people. Rudely. Evilly.

See how embarrassing that'd be for ME?

And Potter would probably have a serious "I told you so" moment if I said yes.

But the thing is I probably won't HAVE a chance to say yes. I think James has given up on me, almost. So he probably won't ask again. Which, I guess, is my punishment for not seeing the sweet side of him earlier.

James Potter is extremely handsome though, as much as I hate to admit it.

I mean if I had the-

SIRIUS BLACK WEARS THONGS?

Oh! I didn't mean to read it! Honest I didn't!

But I dropped the diary, and then I tried to catch it and failed – but a page ripped out, so I tried to find out where it went, and while I was doing so I saw that little comment…

It wouldn't hurt too much to read the pages, would it? I mean … it doesn't even say who this person is. It wouldn't be embarrassing for them. They wouldn't know I read it.

I mean, whoever wrote this knows that Sirius Black wears thongs … and I'd kind of like to read up a bit more on the matter. If I don't I'll be staring at the back of his trousers when I walk behind him for the rest of all eternity! Well … it shouldn't hurt.

But right now I have Transfiguration and I've really got to skedaddle.

FRIDAY

(in Transfiguration)

Not much new has happened in the last ten minutes. I'm going to read those entries later on tonight though, for sure. No matter what.

Oh, look, James is over there with his Marauders, panicking about a lost book. I wonder what kind of book it was. Maybe it was one of those Slash books. I betcha it was.

But, no. That's Sirius's kind of thing. Not James's. I hope.

Oh, I've got to get to work. I'll read the entries tonight.

FRIDAY

(alone, in the common room)

Okay, now I'm going to go read those entries. No one else is here. James and his fellow Marauders left in a frantic rush about half hour ago and the rest of them – minus James – just came back five minutes ago. I wonder where he could be.

Oh well … I'm gonna read the entries. This should be exciting.

FRIDAY

(panicking)

Oh. My. God.

JAMES POTTER REALLY DOES LOVE ME AND HE'S THINKING ABOUT GOING GAY CAUSE I WON'T GO OUT WITH HIM!

Oh. My. God.

I DON'T WANT HIM TO GO GAY! I STILL LOVE HIM! I REALLY LIKE HIM AND HE SHOULD VERY WELL DAMN KNOW THAT!

IF HE GOES GAY WE CAN'T SNOG!

IF HE GOES GAY I CAN'T LOOK AT HIS BOXERS!

Not that, er, I've ever done that before.

OH MY GODDY GOD, GOD!

Oh.

Oh God.

He just walked in the portrait hole.

SATURDAY

The following is some unknown information to the pair that owned this "diary" – this stuff is now "in the past" as some say, and is now the "this is how it all happened" to this story. This is a mere copy of the exact things that happened last night. How does your narrator know the exact 'he said, she said' of it all? Well that's all in the magic of the story, my dears. Now sit back…

And enjoy the ride.

"Oh. Lily. Hi," James said, not meeting her gaze.

"James," Lily said, walking up to him.

James tensed. She was going to curse him, surely. Right? That's why she was getting so close. Why else would she get so close? She needed a better aim, of course.

"What?" James asked through gritted teeth.

"Is this yours?" she asked, holding out the diary.

James's eyes widened in fear as he looked at it.

"Er – no, no of course not," he said hastily, blushing. Like a girl.

"I read it, James."

"Oh."

"And I like it," Lily said after a minute.

"You what?" James asked, stunned.

"Yeah," Lily whispered. "I liked it so much … I think I just might…" she trailed off.

James was entirely aware of her body an inch from his own and the thickness of her dark eyelashes. He could see every little drop of color on her green eyes before her eyelids closed over them…

Before her lips met his in a kiss.

-The End-

Author's Ramblings: I'm sorry! I was SO bored this afternoon that I just HAD to write something … and it sort of came out like this. LOL. In my opinion it's a bit … bleh … but I don't know. If you guys have opinions on it please review and let me know! I love to get reviews and nine times out of ten I'll respond to them!

I hope you guys at least liked this a LITTLE BIT. Cause its kind of funny, in my opinion. Although, also in my opinion (LOL), it totally lost the funny about 6 pages in. Oh well.

Please review and I hope you enjoyed it!