PART FOUR:
Angel held me as I cried out all of my…I don't know, sadness, frustration, anger, betrayal, heartache, happiness, hope. I know many of those feelings contradict each other, but memories are like that, life is like that. I'm remembering everything, so I'm experiencing everything at the same time. It's making me head hurt.
I don't feel like two different people, but since it's your past that makes you who you are, I guess I am two different people. My head hasn't adjusted yet, but one thing I'm quite clear on is that I have a decision to make. And to be honest, I don't know what world to choose.
"I'm okay," I said through my tears.
"No, you're not."
"I'm okay enough for you to drive us home."
He pulled away to talk face to face. "Are you sure, 'cause the Gang might still be there? And that option will include a lot of questions and some 'oh, my's' from Giles."
"I'm sure. I just want to rest, take some R and R. I have some deciding to do."
Angel's face filled with confusion. "What do you mean 'some deciding to so'? There's nothing to – you're not thinking about leaving this world are you?"
"I can't just abandon the other one without a single thought. It's my home too. I know you hate it, I hate that I have to choose-"
"But we're together here. Why would you want to go back to a world where we're not together?"
"Because I love him. I love my mom, and Willow, Xander and Giles. I still have responsibilities of looking after them and that world. With Faith in a coma, they have no Slayer, at least-"
"Who's Faith?"
"Right, um. Kendra died in the other world nearly two years ago. Faith's her replacement."
"Wow, really? Kendra would love to hear about that."
"See, this world already has a protector, the other one doesn't-"
"So you're going to leave, leave me, because of that?"
"I never said that!" I sank into my seat and crossed my arms over my chest. "I half want an Angel that isn't so vocal about what he wants."
"This is pretty big, I'm going to be as vocal as I want."
"With both sets of memories, the biggest difference between the worlds is you two. You're open, relaxed and aren't as noble as the other Angel."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, it's none of your business."
"That's something you would never say to me."
"I'm not the same person, Angel." I said softly. "There are things I will never tell you. There are things you've never told me. Deal with it. If you can't, it won't be as hard making up my mind."
"You are not basing this on me."
"Of course, I am!" I yelled. "You're the deciding factor, what else do you think I'd base it on? Do I want to go to a world were I can't be with an Angel, hell no. But I love him so much, I love him like I love you." That's a lie though, I love the Angel in the other world more, for giving up the one thing he's wanted so that I could live. "I have to think this through, but if you're going to be selfish about it, then remember I have an Angel I can compare you to."
"This is unbelievable, bloody unbelievable." Angel muttered to himself as he started up the car. I felt bad for my outburst, but he has to know this is very difficult for me. I love him, of course I do. But I have to sacrifice Angel, one of them. It'll be like letting one die, I don't have enough strength for that.
When Angel didn't wait for me to walk through the door first I wanted to backhand him. Hard. Giles greeted me as I walked into the mansion and immediately asked if Angel and I were fighting.
"I love you, Giles. Thanks for caring."
"Well, I ah…I love you also, Buffy. What's wrong?"
"Why does something have to be wrong?"
"It doesn't, but with the present circumstances-"
"Odds are something is wrong. Well, I should have placed a bet, 'cause they were good odds." I walked over to the unoccupied lounge, the other Xander and Cordy were asleep on. Such a wonderful site. I collapsed onto the lounge and got comfy. "Where did Angel go?"
"Upstairs." Said Giles, taking off his glasses, then rubbing then clean on his shirt. I smile at how normal and familiar that is. It happens in both worlds.
"Oh, okay. Where's Willow and Oz?"
"Willow went to the dorm to get some homework, and Oz is at band practise. We insisted that he go-"
"Or else Devon will throw him out of the band. I remember having that consoling talk with Will."
"You do?"
"Yeah, those Oracles gave me my memories back-"
"That's wonderful."
"But now I have to choose."
Giles' face lit up in realisation. "And you're torn between the worlds and Angel's angry that you would even consider leaving here."
"Got it in one." I put my head in my hands. "Oh, god. What'll I do Giles?" I looked back up. "If I go, Angel will hate me and mourn me forever, but if I stay here I can't get word to the other world that I'm okay, that I love them, I'll never see them again. But if I go, I'll never see you guys again either. This sucks big time."
"You'll make the right choice." He said trying to assure me that it's true.
"No matter what I choose, one world will no longer have a 'Buffy,' it would be like I died. Maybe it would be better if I did."
"Never think that. Both worlds deserve you, need you. But maybe you should think about what you deserve, what you need."
"Take the selfish road, I don't know about that Giles."
"Like you said, you'd still be losing something."
"Yeah, maybe. I'm tired. Getting up at 6am will do that to a person. I'll be in the 2nd bedroom if you need me."
"Not going to try and reconcile with Angel?"
"Nah," I got to my feet. "We both need to cool off, him more than me. We'll talk later today."
"Have a nice sleep."
I called out to Angel, he didn't seem to listen. I called him name again, he didn't respond, just kept walking away from me. I screamed his name over and over. I began running after him. But no matter how hard or fast I ran I couldn't catch up.
Oh, god. Angel.
Suddenly there were two of them. Which do I go after? I looked frantically from side to side, trying to decide. Is one not real; is one evil and the other good? What should I do?
I don't know what to do!
The ground beneath me opened up and swallowed me whole. I screamed out Angel's name as I fell into oblivion.
Bam!
I bolted awake. Just a dream, a crappy-normal-the-subconscious-is-only-trying-to-deal dream. But what's scarier, a dream that's prophetic, or a freaky one that came from my head?
I looked at the alarm clock. 12:47. I had only been asleep for an hour and a half. I sunk back into the bed and tired to fall back to sleep. Ten minutes later I was still lying here with my eyes closed so I rolled off the bed, went to the every handy ensuite, brushed my hair and teeth, got changed out of the pj's and into some going-out-in-public clothing, fixed the make-up, then made my way slowly downstairs, dreading what I would meet.
But I'm starving.
"Hi, guys." I greeted everyone as I walked past. It looks as though I had interrupted a meeting; all six were looking quite serious. "Continue the Buffy-doesn't-get-invited meeting, I'm only getting something to eat."
Giles looked flustered and guilty. It's funny, really, it is. Willow opens her mouth a few times, but nothing comes out. Oz just looks mildly interesting and is observing everyone's else reactions. Xander looks around to room, trying to look innocent. But, Cordy is being Cordy. She smiled at me, "hey, Buffy. You are Buffy, right? They keep saying that you're now two people, wow, talk about confusing."
"Thanks, Cordy. As strange as this sounds to me, you're a breath of fresh air. You remind me of Anya, who was, you know, annoying as all hell, but at least she said what she wanted."
"Who?" a few asked.
"Don't worry, other world. You're going to have to get used to that."
"Wonderful." Mumbled Xander.
"Xander, please be quiet." Ordered Giles, "I'm sorry we didn't alert you that this meeting was taking place. But I felt you needed your rest-"
"I'm the Slayer, Giles. Ask me first, wake me up. I promise to not kill you." I turned to the rest," I get that you don't want to trust me, include me or even talk to me. But I am the Slayer, the boss of the white-hats, I may be two people now, but I'm also two Slayers. I've seen more than you guys, faced more, done…things I am not proud of and might never tell you about. I don't want to talk about the other world. If you really want to know something ask Giles or Angel, I gave them an abridged version of the last two years." I saw Giles' and Angel's shocked faces, I couldn't tell them everything. I didn't have the strength to relive it, I didn't tell them any feelings, I didn't say anything about Parker or Riley, there are some things you can't say to the person you love, the fact that you've slept with two other people is one of them. I don't know if I will ever tell them. "So ask away, but don't expect answers. You wouldn't understand."
It seems as though I had stunned them into silence, even Cordelia, which pleased me a bit.
"Well, that was…bracing." Said Oz. "What now?"
I didn't expect him to speak, neither did anyone else.
"I-I'm not sure." Admitted Giles, I agreed, what was going to happen now? Do I pretend that I'm from somewhere else, or at least half of me is…the more I think about it the more I get muddled up. From now on, no thinking about it. No talking about it. "I suppose we could-"
"Go around pretending that none of this happened?" asked Angel.
"I never said that, Angel."
"It's a good idea." I spoke up.
"What?"
"Excuse me?"
"Are you mad?"
"We can't pretend nothing happened?"
"Yes, we can!" I yelled, "we have to or we'll go crazy. I don't want to think about it, okay, I want to go on with my life-"
"You mean, you're going to stay?" asked Angel, he got off the lounge and walked to me. I bit my lip till I tasted blood, I shook my head, and he faltered.
"I didn't mean to choose, it just came out. I haven't chosen yet!" I screamed, leaping away from Angel. "I haven't chosen, I didn't mean to choose. Please, don't keep me here!"
"What, you want to leave?" screamed Angel.
"I don't know, I didn't mean to say it." I burst into tears, "I can't leave him alone in that world, he needs to know."
Angel took a step towards me. "Buffy, I'm here. That's all you need…"
"No. Don't say things like that, Angel. I get confused." I looked into his eyes, the ones I used to drown in. "I need to go somewhere, not here and not at Giles'-"
"You can stay at the dorm," said Cordelia, "can't she, Willow?"
"I guess. If it's okay with you."
"I think the question should be: if it's okay with you guys? This is weird-"
"It doesn't matter, you're my best friend." Said Willow, smiling. "Am I in the other world?"
"Yeah."
"Great, you can stay with us until you've figured stuff out." Said Cordy, "just don't take too long, the floor isn't comfortable and I might get in trouble for letting you sleep there-"
"You mean 'we.'" Said Willow.
"No, I mean me." Cordy said, "they love you Will, you could set a kitten on fire and they'd still kiss the ground you walk on."
"They would not!" Willow looked mortified, "I would never hurt a kitten."
"I never said you would, I said you could-"
"I'll stay. Be quiet."
Angel looked away when I tried to get his attention, "it won't be forever."
"It will, if you end up leaving."
"Listen," I placed my hand of his face. "I love you, but I need my space and no, we're not on a break so don't go all Ross on me."
"I won't." he said, even though I could tell he had no idea what I was talking about.
"Okay, I'm gonna go pack."
An hour later I walked through the door of Willow and Cordy's dorm room. I know I have been here before, but it still felt like I hadn't but I knew why.
"Thanks you guys, this means a lot."
"No worries. Angel is getting all weirded out by this, you both need a break." Cordy closed the windows and curtains, while Willow turned on the light and her computer. I put my duffel on the floor by the door, it was the same room I had in the other world. Willow's stuff is in the same place; the only difference is that my stuff has been replaced with Cordelia Chase's. "Here, you can use these tonight."
She handed me a pillow and blanket, although I had brought my own. Willow had carried them in and they were sitting on her bed. But the extra bedding will be muchly appreciated. Cordy's a hell of a person. So different from the other world's Cordelia. It must have been the influence of hanging around us so much, Xander and Cordelia are still together here after all.
"Thanks."
"What do you guys want to do?" asked Willow.
"I don't know-"
"I do." Cordy went to the phone and picked up the receiver. "Who's up for pizza?"
TBC...
That's it before Christmas, I'm going on holiday tomorrow actually. I wish everyone and anyone reading this a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Be safe, see you next year. Love, Maddy.