PART FIVE:
Cordelia flicked the pepperoni at Willow, who glared and threw her pineapple in retaliation. I laughed and bit into my own pizza. The evening had been fun, I'd half forgotten what that was like, get it 'half.' We've eaten pizza, garlic bread, drunk Coke and had a wonderful gossip session, I let a few things slip that they never did: about Willow and Xander kissing with Cordy and Oz catching them. Or Xander's love spell that caused the whole town to become obsessed with him except Cordelia. It's hard sometimes to know which memory came from which world. I haven't spent every second of every day with the human Angel.
"Buffy, can I ask you something?"
"Sure, Wills."
"Why would you want to go back there?"
"I don't want to-"
"Talk about it," cut in Cordelia. "Yeah, we know. But look at it from our position, it's kinda like we know you, but don't. Help us out here."
"Okay, I want to talk to somebody. Preferably not my diary." I took a deep breath, "I love the other Angel just as much as I love this one. I love my family and friends on both worlds. If I choose this one, I'm being selfish because on the other world I can't have Angel, we're not together…can't be together. God, it just hurts to be in the same room as him, but here…we have everything. We're getting married, I don't want to give that up. But I can't give him up either, my soul is torn in two, I have to choose between them. I don't want to do that."
"But-"
"I have to, I know I have no other choice, Willow. But I don't want to choose." I began to cry, Willow reached for me the same time Cordelia did. They both held me as I poured out my tears, my life. It felt like I was dying, but it only felt like it. I really wish I would.
I pulled my diary out my bag, got a pen, flipped to a fresh page and began to write.
Hi, I'm Buffy Anne Summers. I was born on the 19th January 1981. My parents are Joyce and Hank Summers, but it's a bit of a stretch if you consider Hank to be a parent. When I was 15, I became the Slayer.
Now, 4 years later I'm two people in one body, two people that love two different people, have two different families and two different sets of friends. I love them all, but now I have to sacrifice one world so that I may live in the other. I'm sorry, but how mean is that? Those stupid Powers That Be are giving me the chance to choose my destiny, my life…bullshit. It's a load of crap. I don't want to choose. I wish I never made that wish. Yes, it was a wish. I remember it now, that and other things. I said "I just wish, you know, that I don't have to worry about this stuff." Those fourteen words changed everything, but I've known of two words changing everything too. "I don't."
So I made a wish, so why can't I wish it back? I don't know. I'm sitting in the dorm room of my best friends, all alone because they have class and I am, according to the wider community: grossly sick. Cordelia's choice of words, not mine. But I don't mind, I'd like to sit here all by myself. All by myself, don't wanna be, all by myself anymore! Woops, not the right choice of song there. Frankly it was a bad choice of song. I'm gonna get it stuck in my head! Damn it. Not the point, no forever is the point. Where am I willing to stay for the rest of my life? Maybe that's the right question to be asking. Here I have the secure knowledge of knowing that I have Angel, a future with him. But in the other world…what do I have?
I go on, day after day pretending that I'm not slowly, every so slowly, dying. I love Angel so much, both of them. But I don't have him there. They're right, Angel's right. Why would I want to go back to a world that doesn't have him in it, not the way I want him to be. I can't go there now that I've had this…heaven. I have him. That's important, it means more to me than anything ever has. I know what this means, I know that me staying here will change the other world in ways I can't comprehend. It may be doomed, but I want this, I need this.
So, I guess I'm taking the selfish road. Does that make me a bad person? I don't want to be a bad person, but there is something I don't want even more: to be alone.
I knock on the front door of the mansion. It is instantly flung open.
"I felt you."
"I know, I could feel you too."
"What's going on?"
"I'm here to say 'hi'."
"Hi?"
"Yeah, hi. It's a good way to greet someone. Although, Giles would say it's more polite to say 'hello.' But he's not here right now. Is he?"
"No, no one's here. Buffy, what are you doing?"
"I already told you."
"Somehow I don't believe you."
"How did you sleep last night?'
"Sorry?"
"How did you-"
"I heard what you said."
"Well, are you going to answer me?"
"Answer what?"
"My god. Have you been paying any attention to me?"
"I'm trying to, but I'm just getting confused."
"Okay, time for a re-cap. I came here to say hi, but I also have some other intentions which I'll tell you in a minute. But I was sitting in the dorm room, wondering what I was going to do so I began writing in my diary. I really like doing that, one bad thing about diaries, is that when you start to cry, they can't reach out and hold you. That's what Willow and Cordelia did for me last night. It was really nice of them, you know what I realised though. You haven't held me in days, you've barely touched me. Expect for the other night, I remember wanting you to touch me so badly."
"Buffy, I didn't think you wanted me to."
"I didn't, it was because I didn't feel like I belonged here. I couldn't have you because you weren't mine. But you are mine, I belong here, well, I want to belong here. I like it here, I'm happier. We can be Buffy and Angel together, not Buffy and Angel may eventually come to his senses and return with his soul bound forever. The odds of that happening are basically non-existent."
"Are you saying what I think you're-"
"Staying."
"You're…staying."
He reached for me, but I took a step back. Angel paled, "I'm staying, but I need you to understand. I love the other Angel, he's still a part of me. He's half of me, or a quarter…whatever. I need you to be okay with that. You have to get used to the idea that I can love someone other than you."
"We're the same person, just like you are now one person. You're Buffy and I'm Angel. It's all that matters."
"I was hoping you would say that."
"So, what happens now?"
"Well, this is where my other intentions come in. I was planning on seducing you."
"Really?" Angel put his hands around my waist and pulled me tightly against him. "And how were you going to do that?"
"Show up."
"Oh, you think you're that good. Do you?"
"No, but I know you're powerless against me."
"That I am. But same goes for you."
"I love you."
He smiled, "I love you."
"So, are we going to go make crazy, wild love now?"
He laughed and spun me around before kissing me hard on the lips. We broke away once we ran out of breath. "So that's a yes then?"
"That's a yes."
"God, I missed you so much last night."
"I know, I missed you too."
She was dreaming again, at least that's what she told herself. Yes, Buffy was aware that she was both asleep and dreaming, it happened on occasion. So, what was the Slayer dreaming? Not much, it was a simple dream about her and the love of her life…
"Angel."
"Hi, Buffy."
"No, you're not Angel." She backed away.
"I am, not just the one you were expecting."
"No, you can't be. We're in different worlds, you can't-"
"Like being in different worlds can stop us. Do you remember that dream on the beach? 'Forever…that's the whole point.'"
"Oh, god. No, Angel. Is it really you?" She searched his face for some kind of answer, she found it. "It really is you."
"Yeah. What are you doing here?"
"I'm asleep-"
"No, I mean. Why are you here?" His eyes filled with tears, it shocked her to the core. He rarely cried and when he did… "Why aren't you here, in this world with me?"
"I am, it's just not you." She put one of his hands into her smaller ones. "I have the chance to be happy, really, really happy. Don't you want that for me?"
"Yes, but I wanted to be the one who made you happy. When we were both ready, when we had become who we were supposed to. I wanted my life to be with you."
"You know, you could have told me this ages ago. Ages and ages ago, like when I came to LA to yell at you for sneaking around."
"It didn't seem to be the right moment."
"Okay, how about when I was falling asleep, listening to your heart beat. Wouldn't that have been a great time for a little emotional expression?"
"You remember?"
"I remember everything, I shouldn't but I do. The Powers aren't very aware."
"You remember?"
"I love you for what you did." She smiled sadly and traced the outline of his handsome face. "I love you more because of it. I can never tell the other Angel what you did; I don't want to tell anyone. It can be a secret-"
"I told Doyle and he probably told Cordelia."
"Well, just between the four of us then." She smiled a bit happier that time. "I can never come back, I'm sorry, so this is where we say goodbye."
"But why? What does that world have that this one doesn't?"
"You, you're human. We're getting married, we live together and I'm so unbelievably happy. I don't want to be alone where you are. Here, I can never be alone."
"Be happy, please be so very happy."
"I will, I promise." She leapt into his arms, they held her tightly as she and he cried. This was their final goodbye. "Goodbye, I'll miss you everyday."
"It's not goodbye."
"Angel-"
He pulled away and cupped her cheek in his hand. "We'll never have a goodbye. When you die you'll become two people again, right?"
"I guess."
"Then I'll see you in Heaven, Buffy. My soul is a part of yours, we belong together. Nothing can change that."
"Not even being in different universes."
"Mostly not that."
"I love you."
"I love you. I understand why you want to stay; I'm not going to hate you for it. But I will miss you."
"I need you to go on, live, love-"
"No, not going to happen."
"It has to, please promise me you'll live. Live for me if not for yourself. I need you to do this; I'll know if you die because I'll feel it. No matter what happens, no matter where I am, I'll feel you inside."
I bolted upright; Angel made a noise next to me. It was a dream, wasn't it? God, I don't know. It felt so real. I pushed the covers of my body and reached for my dressing gown.
"Buffy…"
"I'm just getting a drink." I said softly to the man I love. Well, one of them. Does that mean I have loved someone besides him? Too much, don't think about it.
"Okay, come back soon."
"I will." I leant over and kissed him near his temple. "I love you."
"Love you more."
I fought back a sob, he's probably right. Don't think about it. Maybe I should get that tattooed on the back of my eye lids in some weird ink that glows in the dark and also on my forehead, but written backwards so that I can read it whenever I see my reflection.
Could Angel have really been in my dream? It's happened before, the dreams of him and me when he was in Hell, another dimension, just like I am now. I belong here, but don't at the same time.
"How am I supposed to go on with my life, knowing what we had…what we could have had?"
I walk to the fireplace, it reminds me so much of Angel's relationship and mine. Hot and burning. Sometimes I got burnt. But now the stone aspect is…different. It could be a sign, because of what's happened, am I going to turn to stone? Will losing that world, that Angel, that mom and Willow, Xander and Giles turn me into a person without feeling?
Riley…I've never met him, not in this world anyway. The Initiative hasn't come to Sunnydale, I wonder why. They would still exist somewhere; Angel's humanity couldn't have changed that. But maybe the reason why they first came to Sunnydale no longer exists, or never did.
My heart feels a pang, even though I could never love Riley the way he would have wanted (the way I half wanted), but he was, I mean, is a good, honest, decent, normal-ish man. I loved him for being there to take the pain of being alone away. That's important, I think.
Hours later, after much more thought and a bit of crying. I returned to my bed upstairs, as I slid between the covers Angel moved against my back and put an arm around me. I smiled, whispered that I loved him and promptly fell asleep.
TBC…
That'll be the last part for a couple of weeks, I'll be busy with my b'day and then TAFE starting up. But I hope you like this part. You know the drill: read and review (I always reply if given some way to contact you). Love, Maddy