Episode #1
Rated M for mature. :)
Disclaimer: We do not own... well... basically anything in this fan... fic. Suing us wouldn't be a good idea, because, you would not gain anything. We have nothing... No, honestly... nothing. I mean, if you really sued anyone who put up fan fiction on you are honestly wasting your time... OR... getting very rich... Now, on to the show!
Author's Note: If you don't have a sense of humor… Don't read it! We don't need people sniveling about things they find "offensive". Take a JOKE. And a chill pill while you're at it. It's not meant to be serious. Life is too serious anyway. So, if you don't mind sick humor, then this is for you! Mainly because most of it was violently written while sugar high at 4 AM. . If not then, uh, it may not be your forte. Either way, it's here, it's written. If you wanna give it a whirl, then let's get on with the show! . - Elvira and White Lotus (Which.. well... yeah, our character names our cooler than our real names...)
Saturday - 8 PM
Nameless Male Announcer Voice: LADIES AND GENTLE... man.
-Camera zooms to Jared Foogle brandishing a "Only 5 grams of fat!" flag and eating a Chicken Tender-Crisp Subway sandwich-
Nameless Male Announcer Voice: CHILDREN OF ALL AGES... - over the age of fourteen or accompanied by a parent or legal guardian - WELCOME TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ... WHO - WOULD - EAT IT! With your host, White Lotus!
-Price Is Right music chimes in as an average-y looking girl steps in front of the camera, head bowed in shame in regards to the music. She is sporting a worn-out looking "Brak Show" shirt. She has long wavy brown hair through which pointy elf ears protrude-
White Lotus: -Smacks head. She says to herself- Geez, you guys aren't paying me enough for this... -Puts on fake-ass happy face for the people- Chi everybody! -in excellent Brak voice. Goes back to normal, but still fake-ish happy voice- And welcome tooooo... -The audience chimes in with her- WHO - WOULD - EAT IT! -Smile somewhat darkens- Eheh, yeah.. okay. Just-just calm down damn it... Alright... back to the show. And starring as your maaaster chef, you know him as the sexy silver-haired hero of Devil May Cry... No ladies, not Vergil. Note, I said, the 'hero' of the game. -Cast sultry side-long glance at Vergil, sitting at the contestants table, who shudders visibly- He is also the successful owner of his own demon slaying shop in downtown Demonville and the sole proprietor of his own ONLY $3.99 per minute phone sex hotline (1-800-Ladies-May-Cry). Give a round of applause - and your panties and bras - for Dante... -Can't seem to recall ever knowing his last name…- er... uh... DANTE!
-The almost-entirely female audience, with the exception of Jared who is too busy eating his damn sandwich, goes completely crazy as Dante struts out, flicking his lustrous silver hair as he does so-
Dante: Thaaaanks White Lotus now... get the hell off my stage.
White Lotus: -Glares... flicks him off while hissing and fleeing from the many spotlights focused on Dante- Fuck you... Vergil's cooler anyway! -Flees, as Vergil tries to hide behind the contestants table-
Dante: Now, introducing, uh... Wait... White Lotus, I still need you!
White Lotus: -From the middle of the audience- Fuck you!
Dante: Well... fine! Wait a minute... -Thinks to self for a moment- What is this... strange feeling?
White Lotus: Mwahahaha! It's rejection you asshole! Deal with it!
Dante: What is this... rejection of which you speak?
White Lotus: -Gets that bug-eyed crazy look- I alone can resist you! Feel the wrath of my... ... ... wrath...! -Angrily shakes fist- ... Can you feel it!
Dante: Okay... Well... You know what? Fine! I don't need you... I can introduce the contestants myself! Damn it... What's the name of that... blonde guy?
White Lotus: -Now screaming, brandishing heart-shaped, sparkly Legolas key chain- LEGOLAS! HIS NAME IS LEGOLAS YOU SAD EXCUSE FOR A HALF-DEMON! INUYASHA WOULD KILL YOU!
Inuyasha: -Wakes from sleeping on table- Huh?
Dante: Sit boy!
Inuyasha: -Slams down into a small crater- Oww, don't DO that!
Dante: Haha. -Flashes gleaming Orbit Gum white smile. Just to piss him off- ... Sit.
Inuyasha: -Is lifted and smacked back into the crater a bit harder than the first time- ... Fuck off. -Muffled, seeing as how his face is buried into the ground-
Dante: -Still with a cheesy smile- Now, back to the show. Introducing... Uh... Introducing... White Lotus to introduce the contestants! -Sweatdrop-
White Lotus: Okay Dante, I'll help you. -She says in an evil voice, touching her fingertips together- But only on one condition.
Dante: Name it!
White Lotus: -Jumps up- I WANT A RAISE! I'M NOT GETTING PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS BULLSHIT!
Dante: Okay, fine, done!
White Lotus: -Materializes next to him- Alrighty then.
Dante: Nyahh! -Jumps and instinctively whips out Rebellion- How the hell did you do that?
White Lotus: -Pushes tip of the blade away from her face with her index finger- Duh, I'm an elf, thus I am infused with mysterious and often misunderstood MAGICAL powers that you, -points at him- will never be able to comprehend... Never.
Dante: -Slight glare- You know... I don't like you... Oh, just get on with it.
-Audience sweatdrops seeing as how they have heard that line about 5 times already-
White Lotus: Aaaand introducing our glamorous panel of contestants. First, you may recognize him as the fabled 'prettiest of the fellowship of the ring' - -Legolas beams, as his fangirls swoon- - Yes ladies, the prettiest. The deadly, the dauntless, the d-... Uhhh.
Random Audience Member: Definate?
Gir: Doomful?
Bender: Bi-curious?
White Lotus: No! The... desirable... LEGOLAS!
-Legolas fangirls scream insanely, several of them pass out as Legolas flashes a smile and waves nervously at the audience, slightly fearing for his life-
White Lotus: -Gazes dreamily, with a small tear forming in her eye for two seconds before realizing that she is hosting a live TV show- Ahem. -Shakes head violently, smacks temple several times- Right. Also, that vicious villain that so BLATENTLY stole the show from him -jabs violent finger in Dante's direction- in Devil May Cry 3, the REAL son of Sparda, VERGIL!
-Audience is dead silent... Crickets can be heard... A random guy coughs... A small child begins to cry-
White Lotus: Oh come on people! -Clapping wildly for Vergil-
-Audience... still no sound of applause-
Elvira: -Off-stage- Uh... yay? -Echoes-
White Lotus: -Pulls out mysterious playstation controller with no cord that can be seen. In a dark evil voice- Scum.
Vergil: Stop stealing my lines... -Glares-
White Lotus: -Violently presses the X button with a maniacal glint in her eye. A life-threatening shock nearly fries audience dead-
Zim: My spine!
Jared: -Shaking hand emerges from carnage clutching Subway sandwich- Forty-five gramss. Forty-fivveee. -Arm disappears from vision-
White Lotus: Now that you're all warmed up and ready, WHO WANTS TO APPLAUD? -Screams in threatening voice, brandishing the mystical controller-
-Audience, despite their various injuries, give a strained standing ovation-
White Lotus: Hmm, that's more like it... -Smirk-
Vergil: Was that really necessary?
White Lotus: Anything for you my... precious... -She ends all Gollum-like-
Legolas: What about me? -Puppy dog eyes-
White Lotus: -Melts- I could... I could never forget you my love. I'm just sticking up for the underdog here.
Vergil: Hey, I!
White Lotus: -Nervously- Aheheh, moving on. Thirdly, you all know him as the feisty, fiery, and oh so fuzzy.
Inuyasha: Fuzzy!
White Lotus: Yes, fuzzy, devilishly half-demon -Shoots a hateful glance at Dante- half-DOG-demon, the astounding INUYASHA!
-Ginormous group of Inuyasha fangirls all decked out in Japanese school girl uniforms jump up anime style and squeal-
Inuyasha: Geez, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm not a circus act!
White Lotus: Oooof course you're not... -Winks at camera- Now, fourth of our contestants, the advanced and sadly misinformed alchemist, ED ELRIC!
Alphonse: -In the audience, clapping giant metal hands enthusiastically- Yay! Go brother!
Ed: -Lowers head slightly- Eheh... thanks.
Dante: -Puts hand up and says to the side to Alphonse- Never trust your brothers... They'll just end up screwing you over... -Gives Vergil a death glare-
Vergil: -Without blinking, he runs a hand up his hair-
White Lotus: Dante, stop being such a manbitch.
Elvira: -Walks out over to White Lotus- Can I borrow this? -Points at the mystical controller-
White Lotus: Uh… sure… -Grudgingly hands over-
Elvira: -Presses the X button and fries the audience once more- Did you NOT hear her people! She saaaaaid ED ELRIC!
Bender: Who!
Elvira: -With her magical strength, she throws a magnet at Bender, and It sticks to his head-
Bender: Jimmy crack corn and I don't care! Jimmy crack corn and I don't care!
White Lotus: -Falls to ground, unable to stand because of the laughter- That's right! I forgot that he sang folk songs when he's magnetized! -Laughs more-
Bender: She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes, she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes! She'll be comin' round the mountain, she'll be comin' round the mountain, she'll be comin' round the mountain when she coooomes! She'll be riding six white horses when she comes! -Jumps down onto stage and steals Dante's mic- She'll be riding six white horses when she comes. she'll be riding six white horses, she'll be riding six white horses, she'll be riding six white horses when she cooomes! I'm gonna blast her with my ray gun when she comes! I'm gonna blast her with my ray gun when she comes! I'm gonna blast her with my ray gun, gonna blast her with my ray gun, I'm gonna blast her with my ray gun when she coooomes! I'm gonna - Elvira, I'm gonna kill you - I'm gonna blast her with my ray gun when she cooooooooooooooomes!
-The audience had magically been silent the whole time he sang, as was the crew-
White Lotus: -Blink… blink… silence…- …………… -BUSTS out laughing- Haha! Jimmy crack corn! HAHAHAHAHAHA! -The audience is still silent and the only thing that can be heard is her echoing insanity throughout the studio- And I - DOOON'T - CARE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Elvira: Uh… -Pokes her with a stick-
White Lotus: -Continues to laugh hysterically-
Dante: -Picks up Bender and throws him off the stage- MY STAGE! -picks up mic- and MY MIC!
Elvira: -Pokes White Lotus with a metal rod- Aaare you okay?
White Lotus: Yeah, I think I'm alright. You wanna know a secret?
Elvira: Uh…
White Lotus: -In the utmost serious voice, very quietly- Jimmy crack corn… -Pulls her closer and whispers- and I… don't… care… -Has the crazy bug-eyed look again. Busts out laughing-
( Real life: -White Lotus falls off of Elvira's couch laughing. Her stomach hurts from laughter. She can't get up. She finally sits up, still laughing slightly. Elvira can't stop laughing while writing the previous part… Has tears in her eyes from laughter… You know the story. .- )
Elvira: -Slaps White Lotus across the face-
White Lotus: I'm sorry. -Still laughing- This is what happens when I'm parted from my almighty controller. -Laughing… still-
Elvira: Uh… here. I think you need this… -Hands the controller back to her-
White Lotus: -Is automatically calmed down and basically forgets the whole thing ever happened- Uhhhh… Why am I laying on the ground?
Dante: Um… you see, you had this crazy spasm, and you were convulsing… and twitching… and you were about to die… But then you see… Elrond showed up and, er, through his MAGICAL, Elven healing, you're aaaallllll better now! -Grin-
White Lotus: Uh huh… -sounds like she doesn't believe any part of it…- … Okay! Cool! I had Elven healing! Well, back to business! -Picks herself up from the ground-
Elvira: Good, just… nobody take the controller from her anymore unless she is in a straightjacket in a lovely padded room… -Smile, anime eyes (like this à -), peace sign with fingers… Walks off stage again-
White Lotus: Oookay, and contestant number five, from Pokemon, ASS KETCHUP!
Ass: -In whiny voice- Heeeey, its Ash Ketchum!
White Lotus: And you are?
Ash: ASH KETCHUM!
-Several random children in the audience cheer-
White Lotus: -Pushes O on the magical controller, zapping only the people who are cheering-
Scott Booner: That's hot.
White Lotus: -Presses super long kick ass combo on her controller. A little meter that says "Stylish" pops up over her head-
Rikimaru: -Pops up from behind Scott's chair and slits his throat. Disappears-
Producer: Are you allowed to do that on national television?
White Lotus: Why yes, yes I am. -Presses square button and the producer explodes into a bloody mess- Anyone else?
-Dead Silence-
White Lotus: Good. Well, now that we've finished introducing our contestants-
Dante: -Pushes her off the stage- Good. No more use for you. -Gives literally blinding smile-
White Lotus: -Hisses and slithers away-
Dante: Ahem... Now that we've finished introducing our contestants, now to explain the ACTUAL POINT of all this. -A dark cloud, somehow defying the most basic laws of physics, gathers over the contestants head as Dante's voice deepens- Strangers from distant lands... Friends of old... You have been gathered here today to answer the threat of-
Legolas: OH PLEASE! You just stole that from Lord Elrond!
Dante: -Cocks an eyebrow- Lord? Tch, What are you his girlfriend?
Legolas: -Eyes slit into blue slants as his hand twitches involuntarily for his bow- How dare-
Dante: Alright, calm the hell down blondie; and besides, you didn't let me finish my sentence... AS I WAS SAYING, you have been gathered -in a manner of speaking- to answer the threat of MY COOKING!
-Elvira stands behind the scenes, in her black 'NERV' Neon Genesis: Evangelion shirt and a black skirt. She has long wavy black hair and green eyes by the way. -
Elvira: Oh God, here it comes.
Audience: -Cheers-
Dante: Yes, yes, I know you love me, and thanks for tuning in folks.
-Everything quiets down-
White Lotus: -In the audience- YOU SUCK!
Dante: Alright, that's it! -Busts out the Kalina Ann and fires missile at her. It completely obliterates her chair, and yet she miraculously pops her head out of the wreckage-
White Lotus: HA! Hey... Didn't you give that back to Lady at the end of the game?
Dante: -Smiles and flicks glorious silver hair over his shoulder- Shhh... Late fees. Anyway, so... Let's start, yes?
-Audience nods, hypnotized by the movement of his shiny silver hair-
Dante: Good. -He strides over to a large circular table arranged on a platform in the center of the half moon circle of the contestant panel. From the mysterious depths of the drawers beneath the table, Dante excavates a big ass blender (were talkin' three feet in diameter here) and slams it on the table-
OKAY! The object of the game is to stomach as much of whatever the hell revolting mess I can cram into this here blender without throwing up, in which case the OTHER contestants will be forced to eat your vomit! Any questions? -He looks around innocently to the horrified panel of contestants. There is a three second period of unified terror until everyone bursts out laughing and applauding.- Heh, what's so funny?
Ed: -Chuckling- The whole bit about the forced consuming of the vomit, that was great.
Dante: -Blinks.- Heh, you know that I'm serious... Right?
-Everyone stares. Bender laughs hysterically before quickly shutting up-
Inuyasha: Wait a minute, you can't do that! It's disgusting! -Stands up and slams his fist on the table-
Legolas: Yeah! It could get in my hair… -Smoothes his perfect golden hair-
Dante: White Lotus, if you would do the honors... -Mutters under breath- Cold, soulless bitch.
White Lotus: -Smiles sweetly at him, in British accent- Fuck you, govna. -Presses start button enthusiastically on all-powerful playstation controller-
-Chains, locks, barbed wire, bondage straps and other such restraints fly out of no where, imprisoning the contestants in their chairs-
-All at once-
Vergil: -Completely breaking character- GOD DAMN YOU DANTE!
Legolas: -Throws Dante a look that could have frozen water solid- You will pay.
Inuyasha: Damnit! I'll kill you! -growls all doggy-like-
Ed: ... Crap.
Ash: PIKACHU! THUNNNDDDDDEEEERRRRCLAAAAAAAPPPPPP!
Pikachu: -In front row, eating popcorn. Smiles menacingly.- Pika...Chuuuuuuuuuu.
Ash: Arrgggghhh! I'll destroy you, you little shit!
Lotus (As in White): Heehee, guess who just lost their contract with Fox kids? -Sing-songy-
Ash: Nooooooooooooooooooo! -Begins to cry fountains, as all anime characters are somehow able to accomplish- I'm... -sniff- fired?
Dante: Yep. Sorry kid. Now, back to the point. For our FIRST wittle chawenge I thought we would start out with something... Interesting. -Face cracks into evil grin-
-The small children that somehow managed to escape White Lotus's horrible Pokemon electric massacre, cry... For the second time-
Dante: -He chuckles lightly- Showtime!
Inuyasha: Showtime?
Dante: Yes, damn it! Showtime!
White Lotus: Eh, don't take it personally. He's always cranky when he doesn't get his nap.
Dante: Shut up, or I'll make you eat this.
White Lotus: -Immediately shuts up as she folds her arms- Whatever you say oh guru of culinary wisdom.
Dante: Now that's more like it... -Grins- Which button was it...? Ah yes, this one... -Pushes a big red button that reads 'That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it'. A huge portion of the table opens and a number of random items rise from inside of it. He clasps his hands together with sheer glee- This... ahh, this is going to be SO much fun!
Ed: ... How the hell did you get this job?
Dante: ... Why the hell do you care...? Now shut up while I attempt to make you hurl.
Ash: I can't believe I got fired.
Inuyasha: Are you just fucking stupid? This crazy crack-addict is about to either kill us or torture us with his so-called 'cooking', and all you can think about is losing your job! Damn it, do you know how many stupid shows there are out there JUST like Pokemon? You can easily just be recast.
Ash: It's not the same.
Dante: Shut up! I'm not a crack-addict... -coughs- Anymore... -coughs again-
Vergil: Hmm... then why did I find your secret stash in a plastic bag taped to the inside of the toilet?
Dante: Ahem.. that wasn't mine.
Vergil: -Holds it up- Then why is it labeled 'Dante's Stash?
Dante: Shut up, I-! Wait a minute... why were you looking in the toilet...? And better yet, why did you take my stash?
Vergil: So it IS your stash! -Crickets chirp… points at him.- Crack-addict... -Evil snicker-
Dante: Enough! Soon your big mouth will be stuffed with whatever I create, and eventually you'll either suffer, or die.
-The audience "Oooooooh"s-
Legolas: Can I go home now?
White Lotus: Awww, you can go home with me... -Happy eyes and hopeful face-
Legolas: No, no, that's okay... I'm okay.
White Lotus: -Frowns and ceases to hide handcuffs behind her back- … Damn.
Dante: -The dark clouds appear again- SIIIILEEENCE!
-Everyone shuts up-
Elvira: -Coughs offstage-
Dante: That means you!
Elvira: -Starts laughing-
Dante: -Sighs and walks out of the camera area and over to Elvira- What's so funny...? -Slightly annoyed-
Elvira: -Snickers again trying hard not to laugh... Busts out laughing a few seconds later- HAHAHAHAHAAAA! CRACK-ADDICT! -points at him-
Dante: I - AM NOT - A CRACK-ADDICT! Curse you all! You bastards will pay!
Elvira: Haha... sure. -Walks out onto stage, making sure to stop and wave at the camera. She looks at the shit on the table and laughs- Hmm, that would be a fun dish.
Dante: -Runs out- What... are YOU doing... on MY stage!
Elvira: Concocting.
Dante: Oh... ahem... any ideas?
Elvira: Psh... like I'd tell you.
Dante: Well, that's fine. I'll just do it myself! -Pushes her lightly aside- Humph.
Elvira: You know, you can't really do anything yourself... For I... am your almighty controller.
Dante: Psh, no you're not.
Elvira: Yes I am. I'm the one who just made you say that.
Dante: No! It's a lie! Stop it! Mommy! -Holds head and rocks back and forth lightly-
Elvira: Haha. See. I can just do this.. -Suddenly, strings attach to him and pull him up like a puppet-
White Lotus: Mwahahaha! -Eats popcorn- Dance puppet, DANCE!
Elvira: My thoughts exactly... -The strings pull him around, making him do the Macarena-
God: -Pops into the room in a cloud of... clouds- Damn it, will you just get ON with the show!
Everyone But Vergil and Inuyasha: Er, yes sir! -Sweatdrop and bow head in respect-
God: -Disappears in a poof of clouds-
Vergil: -Mutters- Fucking bastard... -Is electrocuted- God damn it! -Is electrocuted again- Oooowww!
Elvira: -Makes strings disappear-
Dante: -Falls flat on his face and lets out a muffled- Ow.
Elvira: Now... get to work. -Walks over and stands next to the center camera- Action!
Cameraman: Um... its already rolling, this is live TV.
Elvira: Oh yes, right. Well then, continue!
Dante: -Walks over to the items and stares at them, deciding which to use- Ahhh, brilliance Dante... Brilliance... -Turns back to the audience who is starting to fall asleep- DAMN IT! WAKE UP YOU PATHETIC NON-HALF-DEMONS! White Lotus?
White Lotus: -Hits the X button on the controller again and the audience is shocked into awake-ness-
Dante: Now... to start out our little... dish... we shall start wiiiith... lukewarm Coca-Cola! -He pours several gallons worth into the giant blender-
White Lotus: -Holds up a sign that says "Ooooooh-
Audience: Ooooooh!
Dante: Hmm, what else can we add...? Hooow about several bottles of chocolate Ensure, week-old rose water, several ash trays worth of cigarettes and ashes, a few jars of jelly, a few bottles of sweat... -Adds it all as he says it-
Jared: That hass to have a lot of fat.
Dante: Indeed! Now... Hmm... condiments! -Squeezes in ketchup and mustard-
Legolas: I... I think I'm going to be sick.
Dante: Oooh! We could use that vomit!
Inuyasha: Oooh, man, NO!
Ed: Hold yourself together! For all of our sakes!
Legolas: -Swallows- I think I'm gonna be okay.
Dante: Silence among the pathetic contestants! Now... Hmm... Which button...? Ah yes. -Pushes a green button on the blender that reads 'Spank that monkey' and it begins to blend together... most unnaturally... He cackles evily- And, while that blends, I shall cook the noodles! -He ends happily-
Elvira: CUT! You need more enthusiasm when you say it! More like... "I shall COOOOK the NOOOOODLES"
Jared: But... don't noodless have carbss?
White Lotus: Hey Elvira, remember what we used to say?
Both: -Whip out pistols and hold them together- Jackpot. -Shoot Jared 300 times-
-5 minutes later-
Vergil: Umm... don't you run out of ammo?
White Lotus: Get real.
Elvira: Chya, cheat codes... Duh.
Dante: Hey wait... that was our line!
White Lotus: Damn, you're a slow one, aren't ya?
Dante: Shut up and... er... Yeah!
Elvira: Man, you really do need more enthusiasm... And creativity.
Dante: Tch, your fault. You're the one writing!
Elvira: Shut up!
Dante: -Raises an eyebrow-
Elvira: -Walks back to the camera- ACTION!
Cameraman: Damn it! We're STILL rolling! And you know what? We always will be! You know why? THIS... IS... LIVE... TV!
Elvira: -Silent...- Whatever... ACTION!
Cameraman: -Hits head-
Dante: WELL, now that we've wasted your time again... the noodles are done!
Elvira: -Cough-Enthusiasm-cough-
Dante: -Sigh- The NOOOOODLES are DOOOONE!
Elvira: -Gives him a thumbs up-
White Lotus: Okay... that's it... we're all going to hell... -Shoots Vergil another sultry side-long glance- And by the way Dante... what's with you and all the condiments?
Dante: Good idea! -Stops blender and pours it all into a giant metal bowl. He then reaches deep into his big ass Claire Redfield sized pockets and pulls out a half used box of condoms and a tin of mints. He then pours the condoms and mints into the... soup-
White Lotus: ... You're not only sick... you're sick AND stupid.
Dante: -Ignores, adds the noodles to the soup- And now... we shall add... -Picks up random things and throws them in, including guacamole, mayonnaise, a big "box-o-splinters', a bag of Dante's toenail clippings, demon eyes, a live lobster, several goldfish (no, not the crackers), and... what else? BROKEN GLASS!- ALL OF THIS! -At last, he stirs it all together one final time- Mmm Mmm bitch.
-On cue, White Lotus presses a dark and mysterious combo on the all powerful controller and with a little ding! Bowls and spoons appear before them all and with a second, even more evil combo, a higher DONG! Goes off and their bowls are filled with the…soup, in different, somewhat unequal portions-
Vergil: You can't be serious. -He looks down in disbelief at the murky rosewater and live goldfish in his bowl, along with other, disturbing things.-
Dante: -With half-crazed, maniacal glint in eyes- Oh yes…yes I am…
Ed: But, this isn't edible. -pokes at his sick menagerie (yes, menagerie) of lukewarm coke, choco ensure, jelly and crapload of floating, pre-smoked cigarettes-
Dante: If you don't eat it, I swear to god I will burn your house down. -dead serious-
Ed: -In moment of triumph- HA! I already DID that!
Dante: -Blinks-…Oh…that's right… Regardless, EAT YOUR FUCKIN FOOD PIPSQUEAK!
Ed: I AM NOT A PIPSQUEAK! -attempts to bust out kickass alchemic maneuver, but realizes that his hands are strategically chained too far apart.
Ed: …Damn. -bows head in shame-
White Lotus: -slithers up behind him and whispers behind hand- Don't worry… I know where he sleeps…
Ed: -Gives her an incredulous look- You're lack of human compassion never ceases to appall me.
White Lotus: -gets all teary eyed, sniffs- It's like you've known me all my life…
Legolas: -Squirms, terrified in chair at the sad concoction of mayonnaise, condoms, ketchup and mints he will inevitably be forced to consume- Get this stuff away from me! How does one consume condoms?
White Lotus: -giggles-
Inuyasha: Oh grow up.
White Lotus: -has psychopathic mood swing, gets that crazy look- I wouldn't be talking Mr. KAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE! -In startlingly realistic Inuyasha voice-
Ed: Will someone PLEASE get this -jabs at White Lotus, who attempts to bite his finger- away from me?
Dante: -Throws an anvil at her with his superhuman demon powers. The anvil acts as a boomerang, circles the room for five minutes straight before hitting Ash in the face with all of it's unholy force-
White Lotus: HA!
Dante: -glares, angry beyond belief that for the second time this night he has been unable to kill her in a violent, inhumane death-
Ass: -Sits up with a HUGE red lump on his forehead as all anime characters are able to have and cries fountains- I… -sniff- can't believe I got… FIRED!
Everyone: SHUT UP!
Elvira: -walks calmly up to him and smiles-
Ash: Will…You give me my job back? -hopeful eyes-
Elvira: Sure… Do me a favor… See that light? -she points to one of the stage lights high above-
Ash: Uh, yeah. -looks-
Elvira: Good. -Whips out frying pan and bashes over the head with deadly force-
Ash: -Falls unconscious onto table. Begins to bleed from nose-
No One: -Cares-
Dante: Damn… Maybe we can use his entrails…
Vergil: -shakes head, eyes in disbelief- You are truly sick.
Dante: Awwww, Vergy! And I didn't get YOU anything!
White Lotus: Vergy?
Dante: Yes, Vergy. Now shut up mortal.
White Lotus: -goes to protest but gets cut off-
Inuyasha: There is no way that I am going to eat a live lobster swimming in toenail clippings and guacamole!
Dante: -smiles sweetly- Then Kagome dies.
Inuyasha: NOOOOOOOO!KAAGGGOOOOMMMEEEEE!
Dante: -sighs. Looks to White Lotus who is currently amusing herself with Legolas's hair.- Would you do the honors?
White Lotus: -stops making a bunny made of braids and sparkle dust long enough to get a smile wicked enough to give babies heart attacks.- With pleasure… -Presses Triangle-
-From the ceiling, a large scary mechanical sound is heard as the struggling, gag-balled form of Kagome is lowered slowly from a chain of barbed wire-
Audience: Ooooooooooooo…
White Lotus: -to Ed with pride- Caught her all by me one-zy.
Inuyasha: Kagomeeeee!
Kagome: -gagged and muffled- Inuyasha!
Inuyasha: KAGOME!
Kagome: IIIInnnnnuuuuyyyyaaaaashaaaa!
Inuyasha: KAAGGGOOOMMMEEEE!
Kikyo: -walks by-
Inuyasha -sick puppy eyes- Sniff…Kikyo…
Kagome: -hurt- Inuyasha?
Dante: That's all the proof I needed! -slams hand down on the button that read 'Press Here for Japanese School Girl Elimination-
Kagome: -falls down into the blender-
Dante: -attempts to cram lid over her screaming head- Damn! IT! Why? WON'T? YOU? FIT?
Inuyasha: IF YOU TOUCH HER I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL!
Dante: What? Sick you're little fox on me? And besides, didn't you just say -In perfect Inuyasha impression rivaling White Lotus's- Sniff…Kikyo.
Inuyasha: -Growls- How dare you…
Dante: -giggles evily- I know. But it seems that you have already made your choice. SO SAY GOODBYE TO YOU'RE SWEET KAGOOOMMMEEEE! -then in perfect serious voice- Perhaps if you would have actually dealt with your emotions with her in the first season without screwing things up then I wouldn't be forced to kill her. THIS IS FOR THE FANS! -to the horror of the world, he presses the fateful SPANK THAT MONKEY button-
-All watch in horror as Kagome is blended into a mostly red, faintly green smoothie-
Inuyasha: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! -takes breath-
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! KAGOME! WHY? OH GOD I HAVE NO REASON TO LIVE WITHOUT MY SWEET, BEAUTIFUL KAAAAAAAAGGGGGGOOOOOOMMMMMEEEEEEE! KILL ME! KILL ME GOD, KILL ME!
All: -stare in absolute silence-
Dante: -pats reassuringly on shoulder- See? If only you could have told her that while she was alive.
Inuyasha: You… BAAAAAASSSSTAAARRRRDDDD! -He somehow magically breaks the chains and pins Dante to the table by his neck… He then shoves his head into the bowl of… soup. A moment later, Dante pulls his head up to breath and is covered in tiny slits all over his face from the broken glass-
Dante: -Struggling to breath, with his throat being held by Inuyasha's clawed hands- Agh… agh! White Lotus! Do something!
White Lotus: Lalala… -Looks femininely at her nails- No… no I don't think I will.
Dante: Damn you! What did I… agh! What did I give you a raise for then!
White Lotus: For putting up with your incompetence… Oh but, before you die… I have one thing to say.
Dante: -Sigh- Agh… what?
White Lotus: Well you see… one time… at band camp… There was a girl named White Lotus… and there was a foolish boy named Dante… Somehow, Dante got his own cooking game show. One day… Dante made a big mistake by pissing off a half-dog-demon named Inuyasha. He then got his face scratched up by broken glass, and was forced at the hands of Inuyasha, to drown in his own pool of CRAAAAAP! THE END! -She chimes happily- And to be completely honest… I couldn't have thought up a better ending myself…
Dante: -Gargle, gargle- El- -gargle- Elvira!
Elvira: -Calmly- Yes?
Dante: Aren't -gargle- Aren't you gonna do anything!
Elvira: Umm… let me think about it…
White Lotus: -Walks over and whispers something into her ear-
Elvira: -Little light bulb appears over her head, but it doesn't light…- Damn cheap effects… -Smacks it and it flickers before lighting dully up- Good idea… -She then shouts to Inuyasha- Hey, Inuyasha! Don't kill him!
White Lotus: Wha! That's not what I told you…
Dante: Y- -gargle- Yes! I knew- -gargle- I knew you loved me!
Elvira: -Blink… blink- No. I was SAYING! Don't kill him… just injure him severely, you know, to the point where he can't move… and then knock him unconscious… I'll take care of him for you after that… -Winks invisibly to everyone else, but somehow visibly to Dante-
-Everyone is dead silent-
Dante: -Stares at her stupidly like he doesn't get it-
Elvira: -Rolls her eyes and mouths the words 'Play along' to him-
Dante: -Finally getting it- Oh no! -Gargle- God, oh GOD NO! -gargle- Anything but THAT!
Ed: -Blink- Uh, you do know that since you've broken your chains, you could help US out!
Inuyasha: No! I want the Saturday lineup all to myself!
Vergil: -Hits his head repeatedly on the table- Why, oh god why can't you just kill me?
God: -Pops into the room again in another cloud of… clouds- Because you are a pathetic virtual non-believer… God, that's me, does not answer the prayers of atheists. -Poof. Is gone-
Vergil: Fuck you! -Is zapped- Owwww!
Inuyasha: -Goes into full demon form. Grabs Dante and throws him against the wall… painfully-
Ed: -Sigh- Damnit, now there's no way he'll get me out.
White Lotus: I can get you out… -Pops up out of nowhere. Smiles like the devil- For a price… Like your SOUL!
Ed: Uh… -Blink- No.
White Lotus: Uhhh, what about his soul? -Points at Alphonse-
Alphonse: -Gets the 'deer in headlights' look- … Me?
White Lotus: Yes you, Tin Man!
Ed: No, you… you can't have him either.
White Lotus: Oh cooome ooon, he'd look so cool as a prop in my room!
Alphonse: Hey! I'm people too!
White Lotus: Yeah I know, but do you know how much you'd sell for on eBay? Fangirls would go WILD. And then there's this one fan BOY… -is cut off again-
Inuyasha: You fucking BASTARD! -Continues to strangle him-
Dante: -Gasps, unable to breathe-
Elvira: -Tries as hard as possible to pretend she couldn't care less- Oh, gimme that! -Snatches White Lotus's controller-
White Lotus: -Falls onto the floor laughing again- Jimmy crack corn, and I - DON'T - CARE!
-Everyone sweatdrops-
Elvira: -Hits a super-long kick ass combo… To be exact: All four shoulder buttons at once and spins left analog stick fast until a little sound effect says 'Devil May Cry'. Then Square, Triangle, O, O, O, Square, X, X, L1, Triangle, R2, L1, L2, R1, L1, R2, O, X, Triangle, Square, Up, Down, Left, Down, Right, Up, Right, Left, O, L2, X-
-The lights go dim, and the audience members look around. Suddenly, the sound can be heard of the chanting of the Soul Reaver theme. In a blur, Raziel glides down and lands beside Inuyasha gracefully. He pulls out an oddly crafted staff from behind him and zaps Inuyasha away from Dante with a blast of energy from it, just as the theme music kicks up and continues. They circle around each other. Inuyasha rushes at Raziel, who quickly dodges-
Elvira: -Tosses controller back to White Lotus-
White Lotus: -Snaps back to it- Wait a minute… what the fuck? What happened? -Looks over at Dante- Aww, damn it! He's still alive!
Dante: -Feels his throat where he was choked- Thank you for your sympathy White Lotus. -Sarcasm-
White Lotus: Yeah, this is actually me on a particularly nice day… -Is cut off by Raziel tackling a near-rabid Inuyasha-
Dante: Hmmm, I wonder if I should tell him that it was only her stunt double…
Elvira and White Lotus: WHAT!
White Lotus: You made me that happy for no damn reason!
Elvira: Where the hell is the real Kagome?
Dante: She's tied up in the janitor's closet.
White Lotus: Well, time for some more killing then. -She actually lets out a genuine smile at the thought of Kagome as a bloody mess-
Elvira: White Lotus! If Inuyasha doesn't get his precious Kagome, my Raziel could get torn to shreds! -Heads for janitor's closet-
White Lotus: -Tags along after her- Well, he's got wings, he can fly.
Elvira: They don't work anymore, remember?
White Lotus: Oh yeah. Damn it!
Elvira: White Lotus, I promise, if we reunite them and you don't obliterate her… I'll make it worth your time.
White Lotus: -Sigh- Damn the tiny amount of humanity that my cold heart still contains.
-They disappear from sight-
Dante: Her Raziel? -Slight frown-
-Back to the contestant table-
Vergil: -Is trying to position the barbed wire that holds him to the chair near his neck so he can slit his throat-
Legolas: You know, I highly doubt that will work. -Lets head fall back and watches the ceiling-
Vergil: What the fuck do you know? I've slit many-a-throat and I guarantee you that it will work… eventually…
Ed: Yeah, in a few hundred years.
Vergil: Yes, well some of us more divine beings will actually be around that long… midget.
Ed: -Freaks out- Who are you calling midget! If I weren't bound to this chair right now I'd kick your ass for that!
Legolas: You should all just calm down. There's no way we're getting out of here anyway.
-All sigh-
Ash: -Still unconscious in seat, laying forward on table-
White Lotus: -Just as Elvira's about to open the door- Wait! Elv, you'd better take this… -Grudgingly holds out the mystical controller- This way I… you know… can't snap and attack her…
Elvira: Awww, White Lotus, you do have a heart… It's just all… blackened and waaaay undernourished.
White Lotus: Nyehhhhhh… -Unenthusiastically-
Elvira: -Takes controller-
White Lotus: -Falls on ground laughing hysterically and twitching. Eventually starts humming 'Jimmy Crack Corn-
Elvira: -Opens door to find a terrified Kagome tied up in chains. Walking into the dark closet, she rips the duct tape from her mouth-
Kagome: -Screams-
Elvira: Hey! We're not gonna hurt you!
Kagome: -Screams still-
Elvira: Seriously! We want nothing to do with you!
Kagome: -Screams yet again-
Elvira: -Smacks her across the face-
Kagome: -Shuts up-
Elvira: Now listen up! I can take you to your beloved Inuyasha, but after that you must go far, faaaar away. For when I give White Lotus the controller back, there's no telling what she may do… Got it? -Utmost seriousness-
Kagome: -Nods in silent terror-
-Back on stage-
Dante: -Hiding behind Vergil's chair- Hey, Vergy, do you think he can see me…?
Vergil: Of course not Dante. You're invisible. -Smirk-
Inuyasha: -Knocks Raziel's staff out of his hand and pins him against a wall-
Raziel: -Holds his head low in shame and speaks to himself- Forgive me Elvira, I have failed you.
Elvira: Not quite Raziel… -Everyone but Inuyasha looks as she stands in the distance brandishing the controller with Kagome at her side- Now step back Inuyasha.
Inuyasha: I'm sorry Elvira but I must avenge my beloved!
Kagome: Inuyasha?
Inuyasha: -Turns slowly from Raziel, and eventually lets him go. Slowly, he transforms back into his normal state, staring in wonder at Kagome, alive- Kagome?
Kagome: -Smiles- Inuyasha! -Rushes toward him-
Inuyasha: Kagome! -Embraces her, as a symbolic anime wind blows gently-
Jack the Monkey: -Holds up sign-
Audience: MMMMMMMMV?
Jack the Monkey: Hmm? -Checks sign. Flips it upside-down-
Audience: AWWWWWWWW!
Alphonse: -Almost tearing- That's so sweet!
Bender: -Is meanwhile throwing up sprockets, nuts, and bolts to the side- Oh, aha, sorry.
Elvira: -Slowly approaches Raziel-
Raziel: -Avoids her eyes- I am sorry my lady.
Elvira: Raziel, you fought nobly. I could ask no more of anyone. Thank you for your aid my loyal companion. -She smiles and hugs him lightly-
Raziel: Farewell my mistress. -He sprouts his wings out dramatically… and then as the audience realizes that his wings can't fly anymore… he trudges to the backstage exit-
White Lotus: -Comes crawling onto stage from the backstage area- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! JIMMY CRAAAAACK COOOORN… AND I DOOON'T CAAAARRRRE… AHAHAHAHHAHA! -Starts spinning around in circles on the floor-
Elvira: Oh, shit, that's right. Kagome, you'd better get out of here!
Kagome: -Nods- Thanks Elvira.
Inuyasha: I'll find you once I get out of here. -Holding her hands in his, kisses her lightly-
Kagome: -Turns to leave, letting her hand slip gently from his as she heads for the backstage exit-
Elvira: -Throws the controller back to White Lotus-
White Lotus: -Blink… blink blink…- Why the fuck am I in fetal position on the stage!
Everyone: Umm… -Sweatdrop-
Dante: -Finally pops his head out from behind Vergil's chair- Well, this has been one eventful day.
Cameraman: Pssst! Dante! Your show only has five minutes left after this commercial break coming up!
Legolas: Phew, we only have to hold out a few more minutes.
Vergil: You obviously don't know him very well do you?
Ed: -Sighs and lays head down on arms- This is wrong on SO many levels.
Ash: -Finally wakes up-
Dante: Well, since we only have five minutes left, it looks like we're going to have to improvise… You! Doggy boy! Sit down!
Jester: -Comes out from backstage and drags Inuyasha back into his seat, the chains and straps automatically re-restraining him. He then exits stage left with light feet, meaning in a dance-like way-
Dante: -Hits the "That's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it!" button, causing the table to suddenly open, and their bowls are lowered down into it. He then takes five clean bowls from the ingredients table, dip them into the soup, and then empties them back out to make it look like they've been eaten out of-
Cameraman: Dante! 10 seconds until you're back on the air!
Dante: Shit! -Runs over and sets them in front of the contestants just as the show goes back on the air- Hey! Welcome back to the conclusion of "Who Would Eat It?". Let's check out the bowls and see how they did! -Walks down the contestants table inspecting the bowls- Hmmm… it looks like they all did so well. Oh! Except for one. Tut, tut, tut. One goldfish left. I'm disappointed in you Vergil. Shame, shame. -Rubs pointer fingers at him twice-
Vergil: Hey! You did that on purpose. -Uses his mind powers to make the one goldfish go flying in Dante's face.
White Lotus: -Actually did it from backstage with her mystical controller. Snickers-
Dante: -Wipes goldfish from face with a forced smirk and continues frustrated- Well, that's all the time we have for today. Tune in next week foooooor.
Audience: Who - Would - Eat It!
Dante: See ya then! -Lets out a small wave-
Elvira: -Walks on stage and waves at the audience who applaud her. Dante puts his chef's hat on her, and since it's a bit too big, she has to keep adjusting it. She holds out her hand to the back area of the stage where lightning bolts are seen and White Lotus raises up on a circular platform playing Nevan, not very well, but well enough to sound like some sort of musical attempt.
Audience: -Fearing for their lives, they applaud her performance enthusiastically-
Dante: Hey! That's mine! -Chases her onto the platform as it continues rising slowly-
White Lotus: Mwahahaha! -Jumps off and continues running backstage-
Dante: -Chases after her- Get back here you bitch!
Elvira: Oh man… -Hangs head in shame and walks away, leaving the panel of contestants to sit there, still chained up-
Vergil: See you dumbasses, I TOLD you that we weren't getting out of this!
Audience: -Starts filing out-
Inuyasha: Oh GOD!
Ed: What?
Inuyasha: I'm gonna miss my show! They can't fight demons off withOUT me!
Ed: I'm sure they'll manage.
Legolas: Forget your show! I'm needed at Pelanor Fields! Who else can take down an oliphant on their own!
-Somewhere in Middle Earth-
-A circle of 5 oliphants surrounds Aragorn, Gimli, and a few other soldiers-
Aragorn: … Shit…
-Back to the studio-
White Lotus: -Runs on stage, still with Nevan- Mwahahahahahahaha! -Runs off stage again when Dante emerges on stage, still chasing her-
Dante: Get back here! You're fired! You're exiled! You're… Oh, come on! Please! -Voice fades away-
Elvira: -Adjusts her rectangular, red sunglasses, her clipboard in hand- One night down, thousands more to go… -Sighs as she pulls the lever and all the lights in the studio go out-
Vergil: ………… Fuck.
-The credits roll-
Written by Elvira and White Lotus
Hosted by White Lotus and Dante (Devil May Cry)
Co-Hosted by Elvira
Announced by Some nameless announcer guy
Produced by Some other guy with no name (Eliminated)
Cameraman Hmmm… I think I'll name him Xander
Stunt Doubles Ginny Lang (Obliterated)
Endorsed by Vergil (Devil May Cry), Legolas (The Lord of the Rings), Ed Elric (Fullmetal Alchemist), Inuyasha (Inuyasha, but, I thought that one was kind of a given…), Ass Ketchup / Ash Ketchum (Pokemon)
Special Appearances Jared Foogle (Subway - Destroyed), Gir (Invader Zim), Bender (Futurama), Zim (Invader Zim), Alphonse (Fullmetal Alchemist), Scott Booner (RL - Stealth Killed), Rikimaru (Tenchu), Pikachu (Pokemon), Kagome (Inuyasha), Kikyo (Inuyasha), Raziel (Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver), Jester (Devil May Cry), Aragorn (Lord of the Rings)
Featuring Jack the Monkey (Pirates of the Caribbean) as himself God as himself
-20 minutes later-
-A single spotlight shines down onto the stage. The audience seats are all empty, except for one in the front row. Elvira sits in this seat, entirely slouched down, holding her stomach slightly and laughing-
Elvira: See? I told you I would make it up to you for letting Kagome go. -Snicker. Snicker. Busts out laughing again-
White Lotus: Hmmm. I don't think anything could replace the happiness of watching Kagome die a violent death, but hell, this sure does come close! -Also busts out laughing-
Dante: Come on, don't you think this is a bit childish? Oww! Can't we just discuss this? How about another raise - owww! Please, White Lotus? Oww! Mommy!
-Both Elvira and White Lotus sit there laughing their asses off as Elvira uses her magical writer powers to make Dante hang from puppet strings once more, and White Lotus zaps him countless times with her mystical playstation controller-
Elvira: -Stands herself up and walks over to White Lotus-
White Lotus: Ahh, life doesn't get much sweeter…
Elvira: You got that right. Shall we?
White Lotus: We shall. Dance puppet, dance!
Dante: -Is dropped from the strings and automatically starts break dancing- What the hell? I can't-. Hey wait… Cool! I can break dance! -Elvira makes him fall flat on his face- That's harsh.
Elvira: Harsh? Yes.
White Lotus: Hilarious?
Both: Most definitely.
-The sound of their laughter fades, as does the screen to black… Or something like that…-
-Sometime… later that night…-
Ed: Ah crap, I… I think I got something in my eye…
-Backstage, where nothing can be heard-
Elvira: You're so fucking stupid, Dante. You should have just let me drive in the first place. I TOLD you to turn left. Do you NOT know your left from your right!
Dante: I DO know my left from my right! I just… wasn't concentrating, that's all!
Elvira: Whatever…
Dante: Well, just think of it as payback for letting me hang there as White Lotus's personal puppet.
Elvira: Yeah, that was funny.
Dante: Funny? Do you know how she could've taken advantage of my body while I was hanging there!
Elvira: Dante, no one wants your body. -Can't help but look it up and down a few times. Shakes head and bites lip nervously for ever thinking such things-
Dante: Wait a minute… You were just thinking it, weren't you!
Elvira: NO! NO! OF COURSE I WASN'T! -Now shouting- THAT'S JUST LUDACRIS!
Dante: -Raises eyebrow at her- Mmmmmmmmm-hmmm.
Elvira: Shut up and drop it, or I'll make you White Lotus's personal rag doll again!
Dante: Eep! Anything but that!
Elvira: That's what I thought. And no one ever hears about this either!
Dante: -In slight fear- O-okay…
-The lights suddenly go on as Dante and Elvira emerge on the stage-
Vergil: -With his arms crossed, he gives Dante a death glare-
Inuyasha: -Growl-
Ed: -Half asleep on arms. Sits up-
Ash: -Sob-
Legolas: How long did you plan on letting us sit here for?
Dante: Why, until you finished your soup of course… -Walks over and presses the 'That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it!' button, and their filled bowls rise from the table, now smelling, if possible, worse than before-
Ed: This is ridiculous!
Vergil: See! I told you we wouldn't get off that easy! He's my twin, I KNOW these things about him!
Ash: I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT FIRED! -Sobs-
Elvira: Hey, Ash, can you do me a favor?
Ash: Hmmm? -Wipes eyes-
Elvira: Can you look up at that light for me?
Ash: Ha! No way! I've learned my lesson from that one.
Elvira: Oh… well that's good… -Whacks him over the head with a frying pan again-
Dante: -Smirks- Eat up guys!
-Aggravated moans can be heard as the screen goes black-
Legolas: But how does one consume condoms!
- END -Corny music chimes- -