Hello, Bonjour, Hola, Hallo, Привет, and 喂.!
Disclaimer:
Things we don't own: Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Don't Say A Word, South Park, Pirates of the Caribbean, Rent, Blink 182, Forest Gump, Finding Nemo, Dora the Explorer, Blue's Clues, Who Want's To Be A Millionare, E.T, the Super Bowl, the Pope, Charlotte's Web,Smirnoff Ice, the KKK, Harry Potter Puppet Pals, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the Producers, Braveheart, Star Wars, The Wizard of Oz, the Wiz, Maid in Manhattan, Greek Mythology, Brokeback Mountain, King Kong, Rudy, Beer Commercials, Burger King, Austin Powers, the song "I'm Like a Bird", the Declaration of Independence, the Itsy Bitsy Spider, the Icecapades, the French (Je vous adore!), the Valley, Emo-ness, Russian History, German History, ancient Chinese metaphors,Dance Dance Revolution, the Vote or Die Campaign and Starkist Tuna.
Things we do own:Our FREEDOM!
Enjoy!
Harry Potter and the Mystical Bubbles of Truth
WARNER BROTHERS!!!!!!!!!!!! DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Inappropriately happy music-
Apparently, when dying, it is better to have exceeding happy music playing.
Hmmm, there is a light on in the house that has been abandoned for, like, ever. Clearly, it is a completely brilliant plan to go investigate. With a flashlight. I know, you're all terrified. We'll give you a moment to collect yourselves.
So…um…yeah…it's dark and stuff. And there's this house and it's kind of old and gross and whatnot.
Caitlin: Hey Mr. Old Man, whatcha doin ya, ya in your little house that is gross and dark?
And Gandalf said let there be light and there was light.
This man's name may or may not be Frank.
"Frank": Hmmm…I think I'll go into the creepy abandoned house and follow the light up to the room where absolutely no one in their right mind would be.
Gollum: Don't follow the light!!!!
Frodo: (follows the lights)
E.T/Voldemort: (gets pissed)
Voldemort: Proud member of the National Man Boy Love Association since 1981.
Frank brandishes a mop. Voldemort laughs. Because this is an adorable scenario. If it didn't end in death, we would laugh much, much more.
There is probably an important conversation going on now, but nobody cares so we're moving on.
Old man is dead because he wouldn't let E.T. phone home.
GREEN FLASH!!
Caitlin: Ohh…green! It's so pretty!
Kelsey: But it kills people.
Caitlin: ….But it's pretty!!!
Harry Potter appears. Hermione and Ron have married people sexual tension.
Harry thrashes around and is freaking out like the spaz that he is.
Hermione: Harry! Wake up!
Harry wakes up.
Hermione: What's wrong?
Harry: I just had the worst dream ever. It was about Snape…and erotic dungeon nights…and it was…I'm scarred for life, Hermione. FOR LIFE!
Dobby: SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE!!!!!!!!!!
Ron: DON'T LOOK AT ME!! I'M ONLY WEARING ONE LAYER OF CLOTHING!!! MY INDIE CRED!!! MY INDIE CRED!!!
Hermione is a wee bit hormonal.
Everybody is frolicking through the forest. It's a little group of nine people. Where else has there been a story about nine people bound to protect the fate of all mankind?
FLASHBACK
-Insert any scene from Lord of the Rings, preferably featuring Frodo being a little girl and getting saved by Sam, who is equivalent to God. In other words, all three movies.-
END FLASHBACK
Caitlin: Wait…why are they in the forest?
Kelsey: Wait it's like 5 minutes into the movie and we're already like 68 pages into the book…not that I'm counting or anything.
Caitlin: I'M SO CONFUSED!!!!!!!!
Absolutely nobody knows where they're going.
Amos Diggory: Hi there little boys and girls! My name is Amos Diggory. Can you say A-M-O-S?
Pee-Wee Herman: Dude, that was my line.
Harry and Ron: (look confused…as though this a new development)
Amos Diggory: And you must be Harry Potter. H-A-R-R-Y P-O-T-T-E-R. This is my son, Cedric. My ONLY son. I would sure hate if something happened to him. Like if he got entered into some super-secret wizard competition, maybe involving three schools or something, and then in the last task he grabbed the trophy and it turned out to be like some kind of transportation thingy and then E.T. was there and Cedric got killed because he was just being in the way. Or anything like that. So how are you guys doing?
Off in the distance, on the top of a grassy green hill, rising up to the heavens, where the clouds part and angels sing, rests the most glorious thing ever made in the history of forever: a boot.
Ron: It's a boot.
Amos: No…it's a portkey (sparkle sparkle)!!!!
Ron: No, it's a boot.
Amos: But a magical boot.
Ron: Dude, this is the bestselling franchise in the history of media, and your telling me a boot is the best you could come up with?
Fred and George are pretty.
Dora the Explorer: Vamanos!
Caitlin and Dora the Explorer: Come on vamanos! Everybody let's go! Come on let's get to it, I know that we can do it! Where are we going? The Super Bowl of Magic! Where are we going? The Super Bowl of Magic. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do!
Kelsey: ….
IRISH FEST OF WONDER!!!
Caitlin's life is made.
Magic people have way cooler tents. With refrigerators, and couches, and indoor plumbing. Camping is so much more awesome when you have a tent that defies the laws of physics.
We're flying, we're landing, we're being in tents, we're watching the Super Bowl in 15 seconds.
Head Writer Guy: Hey, you know what would be really funny?
Other Writers: What?
Head Writer Guy: You that part where a bunch of stuff happens and there's detail and the main ideas and whatnot?
Other Writers: You mean the plot?
Head Writer Guy: Oh, yeah, that. Well I was thinking we should pretend it died or something.
Other Writers: GENIUS!!!!!!!!!
Back to the story.
The Weasley's are essentially the mob. With British accents. People would like the mob a lot better if they all had British accents. And stopped killing everybody. Other than that…
Draco is owned by the pimp cane. Daddy got mad at him for bragging. Somebody should get mad at Daddy for having excessively pretty hair.
Irish music is playing.
Caitlin: OMG!!! IRISH!!!!!!!!!!
Announcer Man: In this here Super Bowl o' Magic and Wonder, there is really only one man worthy enough to play. His name is….VIKTOR KRUM!!!
Kelsey: Obviously Viktor Krum is from Bulgaria. So you could pretty much figure out where Durmstrang is.
Caitlin: SHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Kelsey: Oh. My bad. I wouldn't want Rasputin coming after me or anything.
There was probably a game played, but you'll never know.
Fred and George: -should stop drinking…but are still pretty-
Ron: Did you see Viktor Krum!! I mean, he looked so manly flying around on his broom. Such a manly broom. And when he flew by our seats, I swear he looked at me. Not just looked, he had flirty eyes! He wants me, I know it.
Everybody: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……………
Hermione: NO! NO! NO! Worship me, dammit!
Ginny is a whore. And Caitlin is bitter because of future events.
After party!! Well actually, it's after-let's-blow-everything-up-party. But that's a minor detail.
Parties are so lame when people get burned to death.
The Deatheaters are like the KKK…or popes gone wild. And they chant. Because, you know, after you kill enough people, nobody really feels like making fun of you for chanting.
Kelsey: How do you eat death? I mean what does death even taste like?
Caitlin: Chicken.
Everybody gets told to go back to the portkey like a billion times.
Number of people who go back to the portkey: 0
Number of people who don't go back to the portkey and end up getting killed/injured/maimed/etc in some way, shape or form: 10,000,004
Harry Potter gets hit by something and is knocked out.
Harry Potter: Ohh…ponies. They're so pretty! Pretty ponies! I'm gonna to take a little nap know. Nighty-night ponies!
So…the only person in the world who can defeat Voldemort is getting trampled on the ground with a bunch of death eaters on the loose.
The World: (is screwed)
Le damn.
Barty Crouch: It's springtime for Hitler and Germany!
If Barty Crouch Jr wasn't like evil or whatever, he would be totally hot.
The Deatheaters have this fetish about snakes and skulls. It's actually kind of hot, but a little ridiculous. They would be probably get away with a lot more crap if they just stopped telling everybody "HEY, I WORK FOR VOLDEMORT!" But whatever.
Hitler: HARRY POTTER!!! I KNOW YOU ARE A DEATHEATER!!! JUST LOOK AT YOUR MENACING FAÇADE!!!!! ALL THIS TIME, EVERYONE THOUGHT YOU WERE THIS SAD LITTLE EMO BOY (not that there's anything wrong with that; it's not a choice, you're born that way) BUT I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone: Dude, wtf?
Harry Potter: Did somebody forget to close the gate at the crazy farm?
Some stuff happens.
We're on a train now. There's the only Chinese/Irish person in the world. Her name is Cho and Harry is in love with her.
Caitlin: (deathrays at Cho)
Candy Lady: Anything sweet for you, dear?
Harry Potter: Just Cho.
So, Harry Potter has a crappy taste in women. Cho turns out to be a crying little bitch, and Ginny is a whore/Satan. Maybe dating all the crazy people makes Harry Potter feel more normal or something. It's like, yeah, everybody expects to save the world, but at least he's not totally emotionally unstable or anything.
Ron is always eating. Why is Ron always eating? Maybe he was secretly a starving orphan boy before and now he has to eat a lot to make up for it. Or maybe he's a competitive eater.
Hermione uses extremely expressive eyebrow gestures.
Hogwarts. Woo.
Hagrid apparently now works for the Hogwarts International Airport…which they have.
And the Drumstrang people show up in a stolen boat…that isn't the ship from Pirates of the Caribbean, which Jack Sparrow stole form Moody, and then was stolen from Jack from the Drumstrang people, and then was stolen back by Jack. Of course not!
Secretly, Filch placed first in the All-State Magical Cross Country Meet of 1987.
Dumbledore: So, oh my God you guys! Guess what? The most awesomest thing to happen in like ever is coming to Hogwarts. The Triwizard Emofest!!!
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
The Beauxbatons Academy of Prostitution has a dance off with the Drumstrang/Durmstrang International School of Man-Whores.
Apparently, Hogwarts is the only Co-ed Magic school of ever.
Random French Chick: Vous avez obtenu servi!
Harry Potter: -claps like a seal- WOMEN!! REAL WOMEN!!! WITH GIRLY PARTS!! LOOK AT THEM WITH THEIR GIRLY PARTS!!!
Hermione: Dude, what the hell.
Ron hearts Viktor Krum.
Ron: OH MY GOD IT'S VIKTOR KRUM!!!!! SQUEAL!!!!!!!! HOW'S MY HAIR? DID YOU SEE HIM LOOK AT ME? I SAW SOME LUST IN THOSE SEXY BULGARIAN EYES!!! I CAN'T WAIT TILL WE'RE ALONE!!! ALL ALONE!!!!
Hermione is jealous.
Rasputin is pissed. It's probably because he lost the war.
Hagrid "accidently" stabs Flitwick in the hand. Secretly, Hagrid his pissed because their love affair came to an end once school started again. The midget just didn't think the students would be accepting of their relationship.
Everybody is pissed because there's an age limit. It's like on roller coasters and stuff, but this time it's like "You must be this old to almost kill yourself."
Moody shows up. He's a drunk. And has a vendetta against ceilings.
Dumbledore: OMG! Alastor! What took you so long?
Moody: That damn Jack Sparrow stole my boat…ship…floating device.
Somewhere, Jack Sparrow is frolicking across the Caribbean with hypothetical pirates and a man of questionable sexuality on Moody's floating device.
There is a Goblet. And the Goblet is made of fire. And needs to soaked in windex.
Kelsey: Why does it say "the Wiz"?
Somewhere full of small male children, scary man with 354254 nose jobs is smiling.
Dumbledore explains the entire triwizard emofest in a minute and a half. Because he's just that good. And it
Barty Crouch is Hitler.
Moody's class. He also hates chalkboards.
Moody: Rule one, you ask questions, you die. So…any questions?
Nobody says anything. Shock.
Moody: So, let me teach you all about these things that are totally illegal and completely inappropriate for this class.
Hermione is scandalized.
Moody has anger issues. He keeps screaming and hurling books across the room for no reason whatsoever. Apparently nobody taught him how to use his words.
Neville is randomly skinny. He got sponsored by weight watchers over the summer.
Moody: Let me teach you the kill-everybody-spell. It could be useful in your fourteen-year-old lives. Especially since half of you are growing up to be Deatheaters.
Hermione has no sense of humor whatsoever. Who doesn't find unimaginable pain and senseless death hilarious. Prude.
The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain. And the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again.
Later.
Crowd: Go Cedric!! Put your death wish in!!! WOOO!!!
Fred and/or George: We are so smarter than Dumbledore.
They should stop talking in unison all the time. It's creepy.
Even the British like a little pointless violence. And they think they're so sophisticated.
Viktor: -says nothing because he is incapable of forming words-
Ron: Oh my gosh! He looks so sexy in those pants!!! Do you think he can see me over here? Move Harry, your cramping my style!
Viktor Krum is the only person from Durmstrang that puts his name in. I wonder why he wins. He also likes inappropriately young girls.
Here's the goblet, it never fails! When it comes I wanna wag my wand! When it comes I wanna wail – GOBLET!!!! And BEAUTY!! AND LIFE!!! AND LIBERTY!!! AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS!!!...AND FREEDOM!!!!!!!
Caitlin: But it doesn't rhyme!!!!!!
So even though there's no possible way an underage wizard could have put their name in the goblet and even though people could potentially die in the tournament (cough, Cedric, cough) and even though the entire world will be screwed if Harry dies, they let Harry play too.
Dumbledore: Ok, so the champions are Fleur, Victor (gasp) and Cedric. Now let's go before the Goblet turns all red and spits out another burning piece of paper that may or may not have Harry Potter's name written on it, cause that could be awkward and it may or may not create sexual tension between me and Snape. It there any brandy?
Goblet of fire: (turns all red and spits out another burning piece of paper that does in fact have Harry Potter's name written on it)
Hermione beats Harry and makes him walk really, incredibly slowly up to the front.
Dumbledore: (to himself) Damn.
Everyone: LE GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dumbledore: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE GOBLET BEHIND THE CURTAIN!!!!!!!!
The world is confused.
Dumbledore: (sighs) Ok, so that's everybody. The rest of you are bags o' crap!! Ta!!!!!!
Random Emo Boy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! YOU DON'T KNOW ME LIKE THAT!!!! I'M GONNA GO CUT MYSELF AND THEN YOU'LL SEE!!! YOU'LL ALL SEE!!!! (cries and leaves)
Emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo
Now Harry is in a room with Fleur, Cedric, Victor, Dumbledore, Hitler, Rasputin, a Drag Queen, and a Pirate.
Can anyone say Erotic Dungeon Nights?!?!?!?!?!?!
Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT"S MY NIGHTMARE!!!
Harry: (is scarred for life)
Drag Queen: I protest! I protest!
Dumbledore: Why?
Drag Queen: I am French, it's what I do.
Meeting # 2
Snape: Let Potter compete.
Dumbledore: Why?
Snape: Because when I kill you, nobody will remember this anyway.
McGonagall: Potter is not a piece of meat!!
Teenage Girls Around the World: What?!?!?!?!?
In the Dorms
Harry and Ron…are together… so close…but yet…so far.
Ron: You put your name in the Goblet of Fire…why don't you just slit my wrists and black my eyes Harry? WHY?
Harry: Dude, you can't be emo. You have red hair.
Ron: Damn you Harry Potter with your black emo hair of wonder!
Harry: I don't want eternal glory.
Ron: Really?
Harry: Dude, do you know how much eternal glory I already have? I saved the world like the day I was born. This is like pie for me.
Ron: Well…you suck at life.
Harry: Jealous much?
Ron: YOU GOT TO BE IN A ROOM WITH VIKTOR KRUM AND CEDRIC DIGGORY!!!!!!! I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED HARRY!!! STOP RUINING MY LIFE!!!
Harry: Dude, aren't you obsessed with Hermione?
Ron: Among other things.
Harry Potter has a very pretty butt. We know. We've seen pictures.
Later.
Harry Potter and Rita Skeeter are in a broom closet…alone.
Rita Skeeter is an evil whore. Who molests young boys. Because you only live once, so why not?
Rita Skeeter: Everyone loves a rebel Harry…even me.
Caitlin: Oooh sexy, sexy.
Story time with Sirius. Harry Potter is apparently unconcerned with the fact that Sirius is still a wanted murderer. A million people have already heard him talking about him, maybe it's a game.
Sirius: YOU ARE GOING TO DIE! HOGWARTS ISN'T SAFE ANY MORE!!!
Harry: What do mean?! What are you trying to tell me?! STOP BEING SO METAPHORICAL, SIRIUS!!!! WHY ME?!?!?!? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sirius: The plumbing is in the walls, Harry; the pluming is in the walls!!!
Harry: Ohhhhhhh! I get it! Thanks buddy! You mean the leprechauns ran out of gold and now I have to frolic through the countryside and help them find it so they can fund their 24-hour Excessively Feminine Male Plan For the Hypothetical Pirate Man channel?
Sirius: ….riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…let's go with that. Anyways, keep your friends close, Harry. And keep Ron closer.
Harry: Ummm…I don't think I want to play in this tournament anymore.
Sirius: Yeah, well, you should of thought about that before you developed your incurable hero complex.
Harry: That is so not my fault. If you had this sexy scar, you would want to be a hero, too. Plus, the chicks are so much hotter when you look like you've got this deep, dark secret.
Ron interrupts everything.
By the lake
Neville is ogling over his latest addition of PlayPlant, published by Heff Hughner.
Neville: Look at that!!! OW! OW!! Look at that algae!! A centerfold! SCANDALOUS!
Harry: Why are all my friends so weird?Hermione: Ron wanted me to tell you that Semus told him that Dean was told by Pavarti who found out from Pablo who was eating spaghetti that told him to go to the park and pick up a paper bag at exactly 1am and inside there was another bag that had a phone number in it and when Pablo called the number Johnny picked and said he had gotten a message from Fernando that said that Fabio was having "relations" with a piece of toast when he heard that Hagrid was looking for you.
Harry: Well you can tell Ron…wait…what?
Hermione and Ron have a married people argument.
Hermione: Ron wanted me to tell you that Semus told him that Dean was told by Pavarti who found out from Pablo who was eating spaghetti that told him…you know what? Hagrid is looking for you.
Harry: Well, fine! Tell Ron that I don't care if Fabio is having relations with a piece of toast so what now! And thank you. I'm gonna just go now…bye.
Hagrid decides it would be a great idea to take Harry into the dark, evil forest of doom to show him some giant fire-y dragons of death of destruction. It is a brilliant plan.
Everybody cheats in this movie. Like everybody. Magic and cheating.
Hagrid: The cloak!! Cheating doesn't work so well when everyone can see you!
Oddly sexual moment with Hagrid and the Drag Queen.
Hagrid: Dragons are seriously misunderstood. Clearly they have not learned how develop other modes of emotional expression and must use unrestrained violence to convey how they are feeling on the inside. Like lighting half the forest on fire, that's the dragon saying, "I am experiencing mild cramps in my lower abdomen and would perhaps like some Midol."
Harry Potter decides to tell Cedric about the dragons even though Cedric is a bitch but he's gonna die so Harry might as well just go ahead and tell him.
Moody perhaps lacks the capacity of impulse control. Perhaps.
Ferrets! Ferrets are sweet but they poop a lot. Ha shiny-haired boy is a little poop-monster.
McGonagall: NEVER USE TRANSFIGURATION AS A PUNISHMENT! Didn't Dumbledore tell you that?
Moody: …Maybe…
Moody is crazy.
Moody: You wouldn't believe what was in that kicking, screaming trunk of doom if I told you.
Harry: What is it?
Moody: That's Mad-Eye Moody.
Harry: I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!!
Moody: What are your strengths Harry? I mean besides being emo.
Harry: Well, I can dance…but I can't bring my jams with me.
Moody: But you can use your wand Harry.
Harry: So…
Moody: Harry, let me introduce you to a little thing called Dance, Dance Revolution.
THE FIRST TASK!!!!!!!!!!
There is a giant tent in which Rita is.
Viktor: You have no business here! DRINK SMIRNOFF!!!
GASP!!!!!!!!! HE ACTUALLY SPOKE!!!!!! STOP THE WORLD, I HAVE TO GET OFF!!!!
Viktor: This tent is for champions and friends!
Rite Skeeter: I could be your friend –wink, wink, nudge, nudge–
There are action figures of the dragons. Just add water and they become gigantic fire-breathing demons from hell!!! YAY!!!
The dragons are color-coordinated to their outfits.
Hitler: So here's how it works, if you live, you move on. If you die, you lose.
So the other people are fighting and Harry is wallowing. But now it's Harry turn so yeah.
Harry slowly enters the arena, the dragon standing on the other side. The crowd is screaming loudly, chanting a name. It sounds like…"Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!"
Harry: Well, this looks easy.
Dragon: -smites Harry Potter-
Harry: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!
Hermione: Harry! You learned how to do magic that one time! Remember?
Harry: Danc-io Revolution-o!
The Dance, Dance Revolution thingy appears.
Harry: I challenge you to a dance off!
Dragon: You're on beoch!
Left, Right, Right, Right, Up, Jump, Twist, Down, Left, Jump, Left, Right, Left, Left
Score: Harry Potter – 2389743; Dragon – 12
Harry: YOU LOSE BEOTCH!!!
The screen spontaneously combusts.
Harry: You can take my DDR, but you can't take my FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hermione: Um…the egg…
Harry: What? Oh…that. The whole point…yeah. BROOM!
Flying, flying, flying.
Harry: A WHOLE NEW WORLD!!!!! A NEW FANTASTIC POINT OF VIEW! NO ONE CAN TELL US NO OR WHERE TO GO OR SAY WE'RE ONLY DREAMING!!!!!
Dragon: A WHOLE NEW WORLD!!!!!!!!!! A DAZZLING PLACE I NEVER KNEW!!!!! BUT NOW I'M WAY UP HERE!!!! IT'S CRYSTAL CLEAR!!!!!! NOW I'M IN A WHOLE NEW WORLD WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!
Now…they're on top of a building. Please insert the last scene of King Kong here.
The dragon obviously just wants to go inside. It if awfully cold this time of year, and clearly breathing fire doesn't kindle the fire of your soul.
Dragon: ROAR!!!!!!!
Ron: I HAVE A PLAN!!!!!!!!!
Harry: DON'T SHOOT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ron: NEVERMIND!!!!!
Dragon: (dies)
Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Darth Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Caitlin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Kelsey: ….
So Harry gets the egg and the Harry/Ron emo thing is over and hormones are discovered and there's happy stuff and what not.
Harry: It's about time you came around.
Ron: Well at least I told you about the dragons.
Harry: Um…no…that was Hagrid. You know? Tall, big, really hairy?
Ron: No, don't you remember? I told Hermione to tell you to tell you that I said that Semus told me that Dean was told by Pavarti who found out from Pablo who was eating spaghetti that told him to go to the park and pick up a paper bag at exactly 1am and inside there was another bag that had a phone number in it and when Pablo called the number Johnny picked and said he had gotten a message from Fernando that said that Fabio was having "relations" with a piece of toast when he heard that Hagrid was looking for you. But really, I left Fernando that message.
Harry: So you had relations with a piece of toast.
Ron: It's none of your business what I do with my breakfast foods.
The world: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm….
Hermione: Boys. They're women, with penises.
Twinscreepy.
Hermione accosts the newspaper. Because it called her a slut. Which is probably true, but it could at least say so behind her back.
Ron is exploiting small children. He's like a hero.
Ginny mocks him. Because she is evil.
Everybody is not dancing because McGonagall is talking.
McGonagall: Come dance with me Ronald!
Ron: Do I have to?
McGonagall: YES!!!!!!
Ron: Why?
McGonagall: Because I love you. And alliterations. And unnecessary metaphors.
Ron: But you're my teacher…and you're like really, REALLY old.
McGonagall: Age is just a number, Ronald! IT'S JUST A NUMBER!
Ron runs away screaming…like the girl that he is.
Hagrid and Drag Queen are eating food out of Hagrid's beard. We're not making this up, it is true. Watch the damn movie.
People are studying.
Ron and Hermione are sexual tension-ing. Harry is not shutting up. Fred and George are being pretty….again.
Snape: I BEAT YOU!!
Fred/George are so hot, they can get dates just by using flamboyant hand gestures.
Harry is asking Cho out. And failing miserably.
Cho: Watch out for the stairs, they're icy!
Harry: (to himself) Oh my gosh, she warned me about icy stairs. She must love me!
Harry: Soo…I've totally saved the world like twice and stuff and I'm damn sexy and you're like Chinese and Irish and I want you to go to the ball with me. So yeah…
Cho: Um…how about no.
Harry: (emo tear)
In the Common Room
Ron is being escorted by five girls. But he can't ask one of them. Because then Ron would be making a rational action. And that's just not Ron.
Harry: Hold on, I'm going to use my heroic charm to convince some twins to go with us.
Ron: Okay, sure. Hey, does Viktor have a date?
TIME FOR THE ICECAPADES!!!!!!!
Ron is wearing an old bath rug that apparently smells like an old woman…because clearly Ron goes around smelling old women.
Ron: Where's Hermione? I mean, not that I care or anything, because there is totally nothing between us and there is no sexual tension between us…ever.
Harry: I don't know.
Ron: You know, I like books, movies, taking long moonlit strolls along the beach, Hermione, tight jeans, eyeliner…
Havarti and Cheddar Patil walk in.
Harry: …AND TWINS!!!!!!!!!
Random Toad Choir: I LIKE FOOTBALL ON TV, SHOTS OF GEENA LEE, HANGING WITH MY FRIENDS…AND TWINS!!!!! I LIKE BURRITO'S AT 4 AM, PARTY'S THAT NEVER END!!!!!!! AND, AND TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is a ball, and they dance, and party.
Dumbledore: Holla. Let's get this party STARTED IN THE HIZZOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!! We were gonna have some sweet ass weird guy from that one band come and play for you, but he is currently filming for Excessively Feminine Male Plan for the Weird Guy From That One Band Plan, SO, instead, we enlisted the help of… bum, ba da, dum!!! Willy Wonka and his Oompa Loompa Exotic Dancers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enjoy!!!
Pavarti (or something that rhymes with Pavarti): Is that Hermione with Viktor Krum?
Ron: No. She just looks identical to Hermione is all.
Pavarti: Are you in denial?
Ron: No.
Pavarti: That's what people in denial say
Later………………………………………………..much later.
Hermione: You're just jealous because I got to go to the Icecapades with Viktor and you didn't!
Ron: AM NOT!
Hermione: ARE TOO!
Ron: AM NOT!
Hermione: YOU LOVE ME RON!!
Ron: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! Just because I built a shrine to you in my closet doesn't mean I'm in love with you!!!!
Harry: You guys! STOP IT! Your sexual tension is melting the Icecapades.
Hermione: Bitch, bitch, bitch, scream, scream, whine
Harry: Is she raging?
Ron: Maybe a little.
In the Dorms
Caitlin: Why is Harry Potter all sweaty?
Kelsey: I think you know why. What do you think he's doing outside of that frame?
On a bridge.
Hermione: Viktor is more of physical being.
Harry: Ummm….
Hermione: Don't be so surprised. Everybody of fanfiction already knew I was a whore.
Harry: Yeah…I guess you're right.
Cedric: Hey Harry! How are you?
Harry: Oh, so now you care?
Cedric: Listen, Harry, I'm sorry I didn't call after last time. I wanted to, but Cho, you know. I didn't want people to know.
Harry: Fine, Cedric. If that's how it is, fine. But just so you know, I am NOT a piece of meat! I have feelings too!
Cedric: Do you know the prefect's bathroom?
Harry: Of course, how could I ever forget?
Later
Harry Potter is FINALLY naked in a bathtub.
Caitlin's life is made.
Kelsey: Hey Caitlin.
Caitlin:….
Kelsey: Caitlin?
Caitlin:…..
Kelsey: Hello???
Caitlin: …..
Kelsey: OH MY GOD THE WORLD IS ENDING!!!!!!! SOMEBODY SAVE US!!!!!!
Caitlin: SHUT UP I AM TRYING TO WATCH THE PRETINESS!!!!!!!!!!!
SECOND TASK
So….somehow Harry Potter is a fish. I'm 99 sure it involves Neville.
Neville: Oh my God! I killed Harry Potter!
Kyle/Stan: You bastard!
Okay…now there's mermaids…we're swimming, we're still swimming…
Harry tries to save everyone because he has a little bit of a hero complex and he has to save the world at least once every 6 moths or he'll go into withdraw.
The mermaids are evil.
Kelsey: This is totally killing the Little Mermaid for me.
Sebastian: Under the sea! Under the sea! Darling it's better
down where it's wetter, take it from me! Up on the shore they work all day, out
in the sun they slave away!
While we devotin' full time to floatin' under the sea!
The mermaids attack Harry. Harry magics them.
Mermaid: DUDE! WE JUST WANTED TO SING YOU OUR SONG!!!
So…the second task is over and Harry got second and Fleur was extremely useless.
Caitlin: Fleur does absolutely nothing in this entire movie.
Kelsey: That's because she's French.
Caitlin: Oh, right.
Moody: Daddy wasn't there to take to the fair! To change my underwear! Daddy wasn't there to keep me from becoming a death eater and imprisoning aurors in magical boxes so I can fix the triwizard emofest so that E.T. can finally phone home! DADDY WASN'T THERE!!!!
Hitler is dead. Just so you know.
Okay so now Harry is in Dumbledore's office and there is a really shiny sink.
Harry: Ooooooo!! Shiny!!! It looks magical, let's poke it with my wand.
Harry gets himself sucked into the really shiny sink of wonder and is now reliving the trial of the one dude that is in charge of the man-whore school. YAY!!
-Insert Flashback-
Barty/Hitler: Sooooo, Rasputin, you're here to tell us some of life's secrets, right?
Rasputin: Yep!!!!
Hitler: Ok. Shoot.
Rasputin: Well… tuna is indeed a fish, and not a chicken.
Jury: Le gasp!!!!!!
Sessica Jimpson: OMG!!!!!!! NO WAY!!!!!!!
Rasputin: …buffalo wings don't come from buffalos.
Sessica Jimpson: OMG. You're blowing my mind!!!
Rasputin: Candy doesn't have to have a point, that's why its candy.
Hitler: I know all of this already!! (sighs) I'm getting bored, I need my entertainment monkey.
Rasputin: No! No! There is something else. Ron Weasley is in love with Hermione Granger.
Hitler: HE LIES!!!!!!!!!!! BACK TO AZKABAN!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rasputin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Hey, your son's a death eater.
Hitler: Le damn.
Harry is pulled back up through the shiny sink.
Dumbledore: (is mad-ish)
Harry: …tuna isn't chicken?
In some hallway, somewhere…
Snape and Igor are in the closet. Igor and Snape come out of the closet. Snape talks to Harry.
Snape: Do you know what this is?
Harry: Ummm……bubbles???
Snape: (sighs) No, it's like totally the fantasmic Bubbles of Truth!! Duh!!
Harry: If I blew the bubbles at you, would you tell me whether or not you kill Dumbledore?
Snape: ...
THIRD TASK!!!!!!!!
Dumbledore: So Moody hid the cup in the maze of death.
Moody: You know, it retrospect, perhaps it was a bad idea to invest all this trust in me. I mean, my name is MAD-eye Moody. Where do you think the crazy part came from?
Amos (to Cedric): Son, I want you to know that you are my life. My soul will be incomplete if you die. I couldn't live if you weren't here. I just got a feeling now would be a good time to tell you. Good luck. Hey! Cedric. Aren't you just DYING to get started?
Cedric: See you later dad.
No, Cedric. No you won't.
Harry: Come on Cedric, were gonna be DEAD if we don't get going!
Cedric: Yeah, I'm DYING to know what's in the maze.
Harry: I bet you'll just DIE when we get to the end!
Cedric: Bye daddy!!!
Amos: Ta, not dead son, Ta.
Dumbledore: Ok, everybody, GO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fleur gets eaten by bushes!!!!!!!! Whoopee.
Caitlin: Awwwwwww. Fleur goes bye bye.
Kelsey: But she didn't do anything.
A hurricane comes and convinces the bushed to cheat. Devil worshiping bushes.
HURRICANES ARE THE DEVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cedric and Victor have a minor altercate because Cedric was DYING to get some free Smirnoff.
Victor goes bye bye too.
Harry: Let's run toward the Goblet, watch out though. Don't trip and fall to your DEATH.
Cedric: ok!!
They run.
Chick from Forrest Gump: "RUN FOREST RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Cedric trips…and falls…and can't get up.
Cedric: Harry save me! I don't want to DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harry: (to himself) Hmmmmmmmm…. I have this sinking suspicion that if I go "save" Cedric now and then we both go to the cup and we both grab it at the exact same time, then it might turn out to be a portkey or something and then we might get transported to a creepy, empty place, like a graveyard or something, and then maybe Voldemort will be there and he won't need Cedric because he's just a "spare" and then he'll tell Wormtail, who might be there too, to kill Cedric and then everybody would hate me. And then maybe, just maybe, the 5th book will be full of angst and woe…ha…woe…and maybe Voldmort will rise again and eventually I'll have to go on scavenger hunt of doom to find a bunch of secret clues or something and maybe Snape will be evil and kill Dumbledore because Draco wimped out and couldn't do it. Or maybe it's just gas. I'LL SAVE YOU CEDRIC!!!!!
Cedric: hey thanks dude, I thought I was gonna DIE!! I mean its not like we're both going to the cup and we both grab it at the exact same time, then it might turn out to be a portkey or something and then we might get transported to a creepy, empty place, like a graveyard or something, and then maybe Voldemort will be there and he won't need Cedric because he's just a "spare" and then he'll tell Wormtail, who might be there too, to kill Cedric and then everybody would hate me. And then maybe, just maybe, the 5th book will be full of angst and woe…ha…woe…and maybe Voldmort will rise again and eventually I'll have to go on scavenger hunt of doom to find a bunch of secret clues or something and maybe Snape will be evil and kill Dumbledore because Draco wimped out and couldn't do it.
Harry: Yeah…hey!! I've got a plan!!!!
Cedric: OMG!!!!!!!!! What ever could it be??
Harry: How about we both grab it at the exact same time!!!
Cedric: That's a completely BRILLIANT plan!!!!!!!!!! Let's go!
They frolic the rest of the way to the cup and both grab it at the same time, and…shock!... they both get transported to a creepy, empty place, like a graveyard.
Harry: OMG!!!!!! I know where we are!!!! It's a graveyard!!
Cedric: No way!!!! I never would have guessed with all the graves?
Harry: Yes way! OMG!!!!! Epiphany!!!!! You need to leave.
Cedric: What?
Harry: Y-O-U N-E-E-D T-O L-E-A-V-E!!!!!! NOW!!!!
Cedric: What are you trying to tell me?
Harry: Fine. FINE! Die, what do I care?
Cedric: Dude-
Wormtail kills Cedric.
Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! HIS LAST WORD CAN'T BE DUDE!!!!!!!! THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES!!!!!!!!! YOU CHEATED!!!!!! CHEATER, CHEATER, PUMKIN EATER!!!!!!!!!!!
Harry Potter gets kidnapped by a statue. Wormtail cuts his hand off. Wormtail cuts Harry wrist.
Harry: Remember, it's down the alley, not across the street!
So now Voldy's alive again and that's gonna be a problem but luckily that's the plot of the next 3 books. Woot.
Harry: Why did you kill Cedric?!?
Voldemort: I was jealous. You know how I feel about you Harry. You can't just be running around with sexy young men, especially when I'm in this state.
Harry: What state?
Voldemort: You know, lacking a body and whatnot.
Harry: Oh, that would do it.
Voldemort: I feel so alone, Harry. SO ALONE!
FLASHBACK
Voldemort sits in his living room, his hair in curlers and his feet in pink, fluffy slippers. He is wrapped in an adorable bathrobe with pictures of puppies on it and eats from a container of double chocolate fudge ice cream. A record of the most romantic love songs from the eighties plays in the background, because the eighties never really die. A heart shaped frame on the nightstand (part of a five-piece set from the Evil Magical Furniture Store) rests an image of Harry Potter, who flutters his eyelashes suggestively every few seconds. On TV, a particularly empowering Lifetime movie plays. Voldemort looks out of the window, his sorrows shimmering in his red, beady eyes, and he whispers, "Damn you, Harry Potter, damn you."
END FLASHBACK
Harry Potter: Listen, I'm sorry. I just don't feel that way about you!
Voldemort: WHAT?!? DAMMIT, HARRY!! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!!
Harry and Voldemort fight.
Lennifer Jopez appears.
Lennifer Jopez: Voldy! I SWEAR if you get blood on my carpet, you are sleeping on the couch for the next month!
Voldemort: Yes dear.
Back to the fight.
Frank (the old guy who attacks teenagers with flashlights) appears. He is apparently very relevant to the story, it's just that nobody knows why.
Voldemort loses.
Harry takes Cedric's body back to Hogwarts. Because it's the nice thing to do. And when ghosts tell you to do stuff, you should listen. Ignoring dead people is just rude.
Nobody gets that he's dead.
Except Fleur. And Cho is sad because she was using Cedric to destroy Harry Potter's self-confidence.
Caitlin: (deathrays at Cho)
Harry:: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! CEDRIC!!!!! I NEVER GOT TO TELL YOU HOW I FEEL!!!! WHY, CRUEL WORLD!!!!!!!!!! WHY???????????
Yeah, everybody is sad and stuff and Harry whispers that Voldemort is alive. Luckily, nobody believes him. Because otherwise, the next 3 books could probably be avoided.
Moody takes Harry back to his office…after hours.
Moody: So how did he come back?
Dumbledore and Snape come in and blow the bubbles of truth at Not-Moody.
Not Moody: I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
Harry has a deatheater thing on his arm.
Caitlin: So now he's an honorary deatheater and an honorary lighting bolt?
Kelsey: What?
Caitlin: Well Voldemort just gave him the dark mark thing and when he was little, Zeus made him an honorary lightning bolt. That's what the scars are, duh!
Moving On
It's Cedric's funeral…
Dumbledore: So this is like a really terrible loss and stuff. I mean like when I heard that Cedric was like dead and stuff I was just like oh my god no way. I mean because Cedric was just like really awesome and he was just like sweet and stuff. And we used to go like hang out at the mall and try on shoes and get those really greasy fries and some bubbly soda. And he was just cool and it was it was great. And now he's like dead and it's just like dude, what's up with that? I just…Cedric was like…dude….Oh, Voldemort's back. Have a nice day!
Later.
Hermione: So everything's going to change now, isn't it?
Harry: Pretty much, yeah.
Hmmmm, once again, thank you Captain Obvious. You are much loved.And so the prostitutes and the man-whores frolic off together into the sunset. Because clearly France and The North are in the same direction.
The End!
La Fin!
El Fin!
Das Ende!
Конец!
终止!
Note:... Review or Die! ... cause the artist formerly known as Puff Daddy says so. And we heart you! Especially the French!Au revoirmes amis!Je vous adore tout!
So, good bye, au revoir, bueno adiós, gut tschüs, хороший bye, and 再见.!