You can all thank Super E-Man for reviewing my story. I had completely forgotten about it when I got this e-mail saying he reviewed it and I decided to continue. Anyway…
The Bad Beginning Uncutã
3
After the short ride to their new guardian's house the three Baudelaire orphans stepped out of the car smiling (they also had green stuff around there mouths). Mr. Poe, however was not. As a matter of fact he was furious.
"All right," he said. "Who the fuck keep on farting in that car?"
The three orphans smiled evilly. "What ever in the world are you talking about?" They said (Actually just the 2 sisters, Klaus just spoke complicated gibberish).
"My car smells like cow shit!" Mr. Poe shrieked (similar to that of a little girl). " And the fuckin' windows are green!"
"Actually I think that smell is coming from that horseradish factory." Violet said, pointing a ways down the road at a red and blue factory with the words "horseradish" painted on it. She was also thinking of an invention way to blow up the earth.
"Well I'm defiantly not going to eat that shit. Wait a second… what about the green windows?"
Klaus removed his hands from behind his back which had been tucked away safely in-between his two butt cheeks. They were dripping a green liquidly substance.
"I'm paginating for oviform my ovation with my paleontology" Klaus yelled, laughing like a lunatic (which quite frankly he was, I mean come ON if you can't see THAT then you need some serious help).
"What my fucked up bro means is that he is sorry for wiping his ass with his hands," Violet said while thinking of an invention that could remove Mr. Poe's large intestines through his mouth.
"And you all ate it!" Mr. Poe screamed referring to the green stuff around all three children's mouths.
"Yes." This was Sunny who had not had crack since her parents died (it burned with the rest of the house) and was slowly losing her ability to talk in long sentences.
"Alright I've had it!" Mr. Poe screamed (he never does talk does he?) "I'm taking you to your guardian now!"
Mr. Poe pulled the orphans along behind him and walked over to the house which he had parked in front of. It was sparklingly clean and the children could not see a speck of dirt on any inch of the white house.
A lady walked out of the front door of the house.
"That wigs' not fooling anyone!" Mr. Poe screamed (for the umpteenth time).
"Of course its not, I'm a judge." she said with a dreamy look in her eyes. "My name is Justice Strauss."
"Fuck you", Violet said. "Are you our god damn guardian?"
"No," She said, "but Count Olaf is." She took a deep sigh. Then under her breath she said "Oh dear me he is fine. I want to squeeze him and then I want him to-"
"God damn I'm dying over here could you hurry it up?" Mr. Poe yelled. "I need to get rid of these god damn kids!"
"Oh dear my I often have daydreams about Count Olaf." Then realizing what she had said immediately said "I'm just kidding, ha, just kidding." Then as an afterthought "But don't tell Count Olaf or god help me I will skin you alive."
"Wait a second, you mean your not married to him?" Mr. Poe shrieked.
"Oh I wish….but no, I'm not." She was shaking like a leaf now.
"Then where in bloody hell does this bastard live!"
"Over there," the judge said pointing next door to a house that looked like it was going to collapse in upon itself. The house itself was filthy, it had grime everywhere you looked and there were eyes scribbled all over the side of he house.
"Oh lord, thank you, thank you so much!" Mr. Poe started jumping up and down like a crazy person. "Oh yeah, oh yeah!" Mr. Poe had squeezed his hands into fists and was moving them in front of him in a circular motion. "Oh boy are you fuckers going to suffer now!" He was pointing at the Baudelaire's.
"Come on lets go!" Mr. Poe yelled jumping up and down like a little kid. He grabbed the children and ran, dragging them along.
Mr. Poe reached the door and rang the doorbell shaped like an eye. Slowly the door opened and Count Olaf was revealed.
"Well, wel-" Count Olaf began saying but was cut off by a screaming (and laughing) Mr. Poe.
"Hahahahahahahahahaha, you unlucky bastard!" And then he ran screaming, " So long you fuckers I hope you fucking die in that house!"
He ran laughing hysterically to his car and left a stunned Count Olaf and three uninterested orphans in his wake.