Disclaimer: You all know the score.

A/N: Thanks to all who reviewed my last one-shot, big hugs to you. Now this nonsense here is a comedy one...and I say comedy loosely. It was based on a drawing I saw, but FF don't like us to put links, so if you would like to see it, then email me. So big thanks go to my beta who helped me thrash this into shape, peanuts107. So here it is, hope you like.

The Monthly Thing

Severus threw treats at the owl delivering the letter before glancing over the seal; it was from the Lestranges. Why would they be writing a letter to him? He'd seen them the previous evening….unless…..surely not. A small smile crept on to his lips as he tore open the envelope. Yes it was! He threw the letter on to his desk and flexed his fingers in excitement; it was about time this day arrived! He'd had no excitement since, well, when he'd bumped off Dumbledore.

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'I can't believe it's here already,' Lucius Malfoy spoke lazily as Narcissa brushed off invisible dust from his black cloak. (But wait, he was in his Manor, not prison. I shall explain, for you see, Lucius is sneaky and managed to sexily smirk his way out of Azkaban.) 'We only just did that last one.' Narcissa handed him his cloak with a small smile before checking her hair over in the mirror.

'I don't see why I have to go,' Draco pouted. 'It's so dull.'

'Come now, Draco, it's not that bad. If I recall, you enjoyed it last time,' Lucius sniggered before checking his appearance in the mirror above the fireplace.

'Besides, I'm going to be there this time, I'll look after you.' Narcissa fussed over her son before glancing at her own appearance in the mirror again.

'Mother, I'm old enough to look after myself!'

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Voldemort was sat at his desk in some hidden lair that we shall know nothing about. An owl of the big and fluffy variety had delivered a letter to him some hours ago with the Lestrange's seal on it. Yes, you're right, he had been staring at it all that time. It wasn't Harry Potter that would be the death of him; it was going to be what was contained in that letter. But you and I both know, it wouldn't be that simple, however, Voldemort didn't.

He rubbed his overly smooth head to check that no hair was daring to show itself, the upkeep of the baldness was murder. Anyway, he opened the letter to confirm his suspicions right; it was the Monthly Thing.

He sighed and debated whether to go or not. Every month, without fail, there was always fighting, cursing and screaming bloody murder, but that was neither here nor there as it was done before he left his lair (that we shall know nothing about; still).

'Best go, I have to keep them in order,' he spoke to himself, as he often did when his followers were off pretending to be nice wizards. 'Curses on you, Bella! Why must you insist on this!' And thus began the cursing bit of his fighting, cursing and screaming bloody murder.

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'Bella, I can't believe we have to do this…..AGAIN!' roared Rabastan Lestrange with a flick of his hair that may have been a little too feminine. (As we all know, the Lestranges escaped prison with thanks to Voldemort going to Azkaban and saying to the Dementors, 'Join us, we have cookies….and oh yeah, bring me Death Eaters too while you're at it!' And so the Dementors gloomily took the offer.)

'Roddy, sort your witch out!' Rabastan yelled to Rodolphus who was making snacks in the kitchen. Bella rolled her heavy lidded eyes before smirking like a naughty girl at him, which she was anyway…a naughty girl that is.

'You're just having a whinge because that five year old girl next door had you crying on the floor this morning,' Bella reminded him about the painful event that shan't be discussed at this moment in time. Rabastan huffed and puffed but didn't blow the house down as he flung himself across the couch dramatically.

'I'm telling you, that girl is possessed, you just wait, I will be proved right,' he spoke with his arm flung across his eyes. Bella ignored him as she went back to reading the rather interesting article on how one could torture a victim and maintain that beautiful look all at the same time.

'For pity's sake, could you not sort the table out, they'll be here soon,' Rodolphus whined as he came out of the kitchen into the living with a frilly apron on that didn't look entirely wrong on him. It must run in the family to be slightly feminine. A line of trays with delicious looking snacks followed him out of the kitchen and flew over to the table awaiting their presence.

'Roddy, why do you do it? We can't use Legilimens so what is the point in this?' Rabastan pouted as he sat up to await Rabastan's answer. And on a side note, it makes you wonder how Rabastan came to live with his brother and his wife; did he not have his own place? But it is a question that can never be answered, so back to the story.

'You know you enjoy it, Rab, admit it,' Rodolphus teased him. Rabastan threw himself back down on the couch like the girl he seemed to be turning into, but who am I to say, I'm only writing what I saw. So the doorbell rang thus causing all three Lestranges to look upon the direction of the front door down the hallway.

'Finally, thought they would never get here,' Rabastan squealed as he jumped, I told you he was becoming a girl.

'Would you like a dress to go with that squeal?' Bella seemed to have cottoned on to it too. 'Go and let them in then.' Bella instructed as she lazily flicked her wand and a round table appeared out of no where before sitting itself down in the middle of the room. Rabastan practically flew down the hallway.

'I knew he loved it,' Rodolphus whispered to Bella before they sat themselves at the table. Bella looked pointedly at the apron and then at Rodolphus.

'You leave that on and you shan't be having any offspring to pass down your cooking knowledge,' she threatened, which is what she seemed to do a lot of, with her being a naughty girl and all that. In the quickest of movements, the apron was gone, and just in time, as their guests were now entering the living room.

Now, imagine if you will, and I do insist you do, it'll help for the scenes that will follow. We have Bella sat down with Rodolphus on her left and Severus Snape taking a seat on her right. Rabastan sat down on next to Rodolphus and Voldemort next to Rodolphus…..are you with me so far? Good. So Narcissa sat next to Voldemort as she brushed off some invisible dust from Voldemort's shoulders; are we seeing an obsession forming here? Draco, being the softy that he is, sat by his mother and Lucius finally sat down between Draco and Severus. There, all done with the seating, you may breathe a sigh of relief now.

Once seated at the round table, no not the round table, just a table that happened to be round, they all leant forward in a conspiratorial manner. They glanced to the neighbour on their left, they glanced to the neighbour on their right and finally they glanced to the others at the table.

'Tonight,' Bella spoke darkly, her eyes looking round wildly, 'we will-'

'Er, when do we eat?' Voldemort asked, finally putting to rest the arguments Narcissa had been having with Lucius about how the Dark Lord must need his nourishment to keep up his Dark Lordishness.

Bella shook her head, her dark hair whipping into Snape and Rodolphus' eyes, 'Soon, now can I finish?' Voldemort waved his hand in dismissal before they all returned to their leaning on the table positions with dark and evil looks on their faces. 'Okay, tonight, we will….' She paused to give a dramatic effect like naughty people like to. 'We will be….' Another pause. 'Playing Poker!' she gushed as the table suddenly had light upon them to show it wasn't dark and deadly deeds they would be doing on this rather warm evening. Everyone sunk back with a groan.

'I'm so bad at Poker,' Draco groaned which got him a seriously wicked look off his Aunty. 'Hit me!' Draco proclaimed to his father with a slap of the table. Lucius raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow (they were bushy, it needed to be done to give him the elegant feel) at his son before throwing a rather large bag of Galleons at him, then another to his wife.

So Bella began to deal out the cards while the rest of the table brought out their loot and poured it onto the table. Some neat piles of gold coins were made while we quite happily skip into the future that is later that night and the last game for the month.

And so, I must describe the scene once more; feel free to hold your breath while I do. We shall start with Severus who was feeling rather smug with himself, as always at this time of the month. He had a very large and very neat collection of Galleons sat before him, an excellent round of cards in his hand and small little smile playing on his lips.

Narcissa had a pile of gold in front of her that wasn't too small from when she'd started, not too bad a night for her. But to be honest, she hadn't been really paying attention, her nail was chipped and she was dying to have a good old bite on it with her not having her spare file on her person. She took another glance at her cards (not bad), then at her nail (appalling, she hoped the Dark Lord hadn't seen) and then to see what Draco had (appalling, she hoped the Dark Lord hadn't seen…oh wait, that's what she thought about her nail. Give me a moment…no, they were appalling and she did hope the Dark Lord hadn't seen).

'These cards SUCK! I want new ones,' Draco demanded like a child. You see, this is what happens when a mother keeps you on a child leash but that's another story and another picture to imagine.

Now in front of Draco sat three measly gold coins, he couldn't have even bought himself a new silk shirt with that (but he could have bought the Burrow if he so wished and got some change). He had a frown all over his face and his cards really did suck. Narcissa hearing her son's cry for help knew exactly what to do. 'Lucius? Get Draco some new cards, will you?' she commanded before looking pleadingly at that buggering nail. But her instruction fell of deaf ears which brings us to Lucius' goings on at his part of the table.

Lucius was sat with his cards tucked neatly towards his lovely broad chest that was really quite muscular considering that the most energetic thing he did was puff it out, but I digress. So, he had his cards (which weren't the best he'd had) at his chest and a suspicious look upon his face as he glanced at Severus (with his mountains of Galleons and good cards). Lucius only had two minute piles of gold before him, definitely not a winning night for him.

And so that moves us to the naughty girl (yes I know she's a woman, but I like to say naughty girl….not entirely sure why) sat on the other side of Severus. Bella had been watching his growing gold with eagle eyes all night, something wasn't right. She had a small, but respectable, pile of gold before her, she hadn't lost a lot and she hadn't won a lot either. No, Severus couldn't possibly have stuck to the rule.

'You know,' she whispered to Severus as she poked Rodolphus in the eye for the fifth time to stop him peeking. ('Hey! OW! I wasn't looking!' he wailed, but you and I know differently.) 'We all agreed not to use Legilimens, Snape,' she snapped.

'I am well aware of this, Bellatrix,' Severus spoke smugly not taking his eyes of his gloriously wonderful cards.

Meanwhile, as Rodolphus got poked, in the eye that is (minds out of the gutter please), he had some ordinary cards that wouldn't get him anywhere in the game. There were five Galleons scattered in front of him and he was sure to lose them in this last game. But what he hadn't noticed while the poking of the eye was going on was that Rabastan was taking a good old look at his brother's cards and sneakily arranging his own to suit. He seemed to be in the same boat as Bella, small pile, had won a little…and lost a little, but a better night than last month….which shall not be spoken about as that's another story.

And last, but most certainly not least, in fact, no where near to that title of least….or so he thinks, was sat Voldemort with a most respectable bunch of cards in his bony hands. He'd had some good wins this month and lost nothing, and was sat with a protective arm around his lovely gold. He took a glance at this small bunch of followers and looked down at his cards with a superior expression upon his unhealthily white face.

'You all are the biggest cheaters ever, I swear,' Voldemort finally announced upon the table in disgust before laying down his royal flush upon the table.

'I don't believe it!' Rabastan declared while throwing down his cards, 'I was just getting my two pairs together!' Much more mumbling, groaning, whining and whinging ensued as the group sulkily watched their leader gather up his winnings.

The rest of the evening travelled along more amicably as Voldemort tucked into the grub and Draco took great pleasure in making Bella's hair turn wild and red. And as the evening came to an end proclamations were made of them doing it again the following month and that Rodolphus must simply give Voldemort the recipe for his lasagne. Everyone said their goodbyes and that now brings me to my goodbye. This, my friends, was the Monthly Thing, may we see you again next month.