CHAPTER TWO (THURSDAY)
Today, Sam and I made funeral arrangements for Lizzie. Matt stayed home from school, so he came with us to the funeral home. Lizzie is his sister; we felt he should have input into the funeral. It was all surreal, picking out caskets, linens, and what outfit we wanted her dressed in for the funeral and burial. We had to schedule the visitation, funeral, and interrment services as well. None of us got much sleep last night. I think I spent the whole night crying, holding on to Sam the whole time. Sam wanted to give me some Tylenol PM to help me sleep, but I declined. I don't know how I'm going to tell him about the baby. I don't know how I'm going to tell Matt about the baby. I'm only about six weeks along, so it can wait. After we met with the funeral home directors, we met with our minister. She was wonderful about the whole thing. She helped us write a service that I think Lizzie would have liked. We found some of her favorite songs and poems that were appropriate to have sung and read. Friday night and Saturday are going to be so hard.
We get home and I take a nap on the couch. I'm so exhausted, I don't even bother with going to the bedroom. I have no trouble sleeping, but it's not good sleep. I dream that this was just a bad nightmare and that Lizzie is still with us, alive. She's standing in front of me, smiling. I smile back, and walk toward her. I reach out my arms to embrace my daughter, and as soon as I touch her, she's gone. Vanished! I wake up and scream. Sam rushes to my side and rocks me on the couch. Matt sits nearby, on the floor in a corner, and stares at us. I wonder what's going on in his head. He looks so alone and frightened. I motion for him to join us. I want to hold my baby boy. He comes over, and I cradle my son. This is hard on him. Sam and I have lost our child, but he has lost his only sibling.
The doorbell rings. Sam answers the door. It's the moment I've been dreading. Gordo and Miranda are here, in tears. Sam lets them in. I am still cradling Matt; he is not ready to let go. I call Gordo and Miranda over, and the four of us embrace. They have puzzled looks on their faces; I don't think they know why this happened either. Sam sits on the chair across from the couch. I decide to ask the hard questions. "Did Lizzie give you any clue she was suicidal?" "No, Mrs. McGuire, nothing" Miranda replies. "Was she depressed or sad?" "She seemed fine to me," Gordo answers. I thank them, and ask them if they can think of anything to let us know. They get up and leave. I can't help but think this is the last time they'll be in this house. Gordo and Lizzie have known each other all their lives, and Miranda almost as long. Now, they'll finish growing up without Lizzie. Matt's friends come over with their parents. None said much, especially Lanny; he's not much of a talker. However, I think it did Matt a lot of good to see his friends, even for a few minutes. He never let go of me during the visits. I didn't want to let him go either. Friends come over and bring meals. I don't think I'll have to cook for a whole month. I'm glad we bought that deep freeze. However, I'm not hungry anyway. I pick at a slice of pizza. I know I have to eat. The baby needs the nourishment. Oh, I don't know how to tell them about the baby.