A/N: January 9, 5:10 PM, Central Standard Time. I still feel like a dork writing my ANs like this. XD Did I already say that I got Adam Pascal's CDs 'Model Prisoner' and 'Civilian' on iTunes and loved? No? Well, I did, and I love them. Get them. Very neat. I felt like in many of the songs it was Roger singing...Seriously! It's really interesting how I'm making all these connections to Roger through Adam's CDs.

.-.-.

This chapter rated PG-13 for language.

Figuring Out My Life – Chapter Seven

First it's my camera. Then it's LA. Then it's heroin. Then it's suicide.

Fuck. He's right.

Stop running away.

Why? Why keep staying here?

Roger just said I should. I should just keep staying here. But why?

For a while I thought it would make me happy. Fat chance of that. It's too painful to ever be happy.

Then I thought it was because of my family. But that's falling apart, too. We're two less members than we were Christmas two years ago. And it'll get smaller, until it's just me.

What other reason is there to keep going?

I hear a light knock on the door, and I don't bother to open my eyes as I call out, "Come on in."

The door is timidly pushed open, and I open my eyes to see a shaken woman walking into the room. I blink, surprised despite myself. "Maureen?"

She looks up at me, having been staring at the floor. I look at her eyes, and for a moment I remember faintly, as if from a different life, when those eyes had filled me up with happiness and love. But not now. Now, those eyes are filled with sadness, confusion...fear. She opens her mouth as if to say something, but no words seem able to come out. She suddenly rushes completely into the room, coming to the side of my bed and falling down, pulling me into a big hug. "Oh, Mark...Collins called us, and I...Mark..."

I weakly put my arms around her, looking at the door still, where an unsure Joanne stands in the doorway watching us. "I'm...I'm fine, Maureen..."

"I was so worried about you..." I could hear the tears in her voice, and it was ripping my heart in half.

"Maureen...Mo..." I am still rather weak, and she is literally squeezing all the air out of my lungs. "...Mo...I can't breathe..."

"Oh!" She lets go of me, jumping into the chair beside my bed. She is blushing quite hard now. "Sorry..." She sniffles loudly, quickly brushing a tear away from her cheek that is threatening to fall to the ground. I can tell the smile she is displaying is for show only, to make me feel better.

It only hurts more to see her like this, so I quickly turn my head to Joanne, who is also smiling weakly. "How are you feeling?" Hearing her own voice and realizing how feeble she sounded, her smile droops slightly.

I let my eyes fall downward. "O-Ok..."

"We can only stay for a little bit. I have a meeting to get to, and Mo's applying for a job." She shrugs at this last comment.

I blink multiple times before turning to Maureen. "You're applying for a job?"

Maureen looks up at me, smiling much stronger than before. "Yeah. At a café close to our apartment. There's an opening for a hostess for late shift, so I'll be working nights."

"That...that's great, Mo." I smile weakly, trying to sound pleased. It wasn't like Maureen to suddenly emerge like this. Why the sudden decision to break her Bohemian lifestyle? ...Did it have anything to do with me?

She smiles up at me. After a pause, she glances at a watch around her wrist. "Oh, shit...I'm gonna be late." She jumps up, giving me an apologetic look. "We'd say that we would be here tomorrow, but you get no such luck."

I shrug. "It's OK. Umm...good luck on your interview."

"Thanks." With that, she grabbed her purse from off of the floor, giving Joanne a light peck on the cheek before rushing past her out the door of my room.

Joanne watches Maureen go, then looks at her own watch. "I better go too, Mark." She looks up at me. "You are having visitors tomorrow, though."

"Who?" I feel my heart beat quicken despite myself, worrying about who it could be.

"Benny."

For a moment I relax, relieved that the name I had been expecting wasn't the one I heard, then I look up in shock and confusion. "Wait...did you say Benny!"

She shrugs. "Don't ask me. Said he had something important to show you."

I roll my eyes. "Shit. If he's coming to tell me I need to pay the rent..."

"I don't think so. He sounded concerned when he told me." She gave me a meaningful look. "And if Benny is sounding concerned, it's gotta be something weird."

I blink a few times, wondering what the hell Benny could have to tell me. "Well, I'll look forward to the meeting, I guess." With that, Joanne walked out of my room, leaving me in the hospital bed with my aching body and my racing mind.

.-.-.

"Flowers? Really, Benny, are you feeling all right?" I can't suppress the smirk that forms on my lips as Benny sets a bouquet of flowers on my bedside table.

He gives me a cold grimace as he sits down in the chair. "I'm taking time off from an important business conference. If you're going to be so immature about this..."

"Whatever." I sigh, wondering how in the world Benny had gotten like this.

He pauses for a moment before going on. "And they're not from me."

"Who are they from?" I look up at him with curiosity despite myself.

He glances at me for a second, ready to tell me, then looks away, shaking his head. "You'd laugh if I tried to explain it."

"Aw, come on, Benny..." I smirk again, amazed; this must be the most I've smiled in ages. "Humor me."

A long pause ensues, during which Benny contemplates this. He finally turns to look at me. "Well...they're from Mimi."

My stomach does an odd sort of lurch, and the smirk disappears from my face. "What do you mean?" Mimi?

He looks away from me again, thinking once again. He begins his narrative, and I listen with full attention. "OK, so I had this odd dream a few nights ago. And...well, first I saw all of you guys. You and Roger and Maureen and Collins. And I was seeing all these times we had spent together. And then...well, I guess I saw Mimi. And she was smiling. You know that smile she has. And she was holding a bunch of flowers, and she said I needed to give them to you." There is a long pause, as if Benny is expecting me to say something in response to this story. But I can't think of anything to say, so he hesitantly adds, "And there's a message."

I look up at him finally, for once not glaring or annoyed at him. A neutral feeling I haven't felt since long ago, before he even met Allison. "What's the message?"

He reaches over to the bouquet of flowers, pulling a little white card out from the middle of it and handing it to me. I take it, reading it slowly. After I finished reading it, I read it over, and over, and over. Finally, I read the card aloud. "Your friends are never far away. No day but today."

Silence. "It's what she said to tell you, OK? So don't get all weird or something."

I look up at him, smirking. "You know, Benny, for all I know, you wrote this, and it's a coded profession of love to me or something." He shoots daggers at me through his glare, and I can't help but laugh. He rolls his eyes as I laugh hysterically, obviously thinking something along the lines of 'I knew I shouldn't have come here'. "Hey, I was just kidding."

He rolls his eyes again, standing up. "I should get to my conference." He heads for the door, completely through the doorway with the door half-shut behind him before he pauses, ducking back in. "Oh, you're partner-in-crime is coming tomorrow. He told me to tell you that." With that, he leaves, and I am left in a state somewhere between panic and sickness.

.-.-.

I'm lying in my hospital bed, wondering when he'll be coming. Benny didn't give me any kind of time. To give myself something better to think about, I look around. I see a calendar pinned up on the wall, and discover that today is March the tenth. I seem to have been loosing track of what day it is lately. Doesn't matter anymore, really.

I reach over to the bedside table, taking the small card Benny brought me yesterday. I read it over again, confused. I still don't understand what she means...

The knock on the door shakes me suddenly out of my trance. I stuff the card out of sight, stuffing it under my pillow. I consider throwing the flowers under my bed, so I won't have to try to explain their presence, but before I can reach for them I hear the door clicking and I look at the door, my stomach doing somersaults.

Roger enters silently, not looking at me even once as he shuts the door behind him, walking over to the chair beside my bed. He exhales very loudly, almost at the exact same time as me. A short silence, and then Roger speaks up. "Circular motion."

Two words that would sound like gibberish to other ears make me look away from him. "Yeah."

I don't expect him to continue. "I'm such a fuck up."

My thoughts darken slightly. "You? I'm the one who keeps doing this shit. I tell myself to stop, but I don't."

"Mark, it's not your fault." I look up at him, my eyebrow raised in disbelief. He shrugs, defeated. "OK, so, yeah, you fucked up pretty bad." I roll my eyes, contenting myself to lean back onto my reclined hospital bed and stare at the perfectly white ceiling. "But I'm part of it too. I'm part of the cycle." I can't find a way to deny this, since I know it is true, so I remain silent, closing my eyes. "Mark...I..." He wants to tell me what to do, give me some piece of helpful bit of advice, but instead looks away, glancing at the table. "Where the hell did these come from?"

I had completely forgotten about the flowers. "Oh, uh, those. Umm..."

Roger reaches over to the flowers, picking them up. "They're red." I see his eyes cloud over slightly. "Red was Mimi's favorite color."

I look away from him, knowing he was going to bring up Mimi. We hadn't had the chance to talk about her at all ever since she... Suddenly, I sit up straight, my eyes wide. Roger looks at me, confused. "Mark...?"

I reach under my pillow, grabbing the card and pulling it out. I read it over again, almost as if I think the key to all my problems is in those words. I become disappointed almost immediately. "So much for that idea."

Roger snatches the card away from me quickly, reading it. "'Your friends are never far away. No day but today.'" He blinks. "Did Collins give you this? It sounds like something from Life Support."

I try to think up an excuse, but feel too guilty at the thought of lying to Roger. "They're...they're from Benny..."

Just as I'm ready to explain the entire thing, he stops me. "Wait. I know." He's reading the card over again. "He told me before he came to see you. But he didn't want to show me the card."

I look away from him once again. How would it feel to read a message supposedly written by your dead girlfriend? I remain silent as he reads it over again. Finally, he sets the card down on the table. "Mark...why do you not want to stay here? Why do you have to run away?"

I bite my lip. "It...it's always so..." He wouldn't understand it, but I can't find any other ways to express my problem. "...Painful."

Roger glances aver at the card, then back at me. "Mark...we're here for you. I told you I would be here for you, didn't I? That I would help you?"

I finally look up at him. "But..." I choke on the words I want to say. You won't always be here. Mimi's death reminded me that. "But...you..."

He looks away from me, his face dark. "But I'm gonna die. And Collins is gonna die." Not sure what to say to this, I nod, ashamed. He looks back up at me, an odd light in his eyes. "But Mark, we will still be here. I know we won't be here, but we'll still leave our mark. When Angel died, everything she did didn't disappear, did it? And now..." He chokes now, but continues on, and I suspect he is holding back tears. "And now Mimi...she'll still be a part of us. And, well, when we're all gone...I guess...you just need to remember all the great times we have together. I think...I think that's what Mimi was trying to say."

I could have sworn Angel had been there sitting next to me. I could see that same light in Roger's eyes as he spoke. I knew Roger was saying it, but it was Angel speaking to me. You have life! You just don't understand how beautiful your life can be yet. My life could be amazing, if I make the most of it. I still have at least one more day with Roger and Collins and everyone else. I can't leave them, because our time together isn't forever. It's going to be wonderful. "I...I think you're right..."

.-.-.