CHAPTER FIVE (WEDNESDAY)
A week ago, I found my baby girl dead. It hasn't been that long ago, but it seems like an eternity ago! I cried all day. I don't know if I can cry anymore. I think I've cried all I can. Sam stayed home from work today. We held each other the whole day long. My baby's been dead a whole week! We go to the gravesite. I think this is probably the best time to tell him about the baby. The gravestone is not here yet, so her grave looks so empty. We sit on the ground beside the grave, which holds my daughter, and reminisce. "Jo, remember when Lizzie got Mr. Snuggles? She was so cute. Those chubby little hands, clutching that stuffed pig. We couldn't get her to let it go." "She was so sweet. I remember her seventh birthday when she ate the 'Super Duper Sunday for Two' and then threw up all over her rug." "Or, when she and I went on that 'father daughter bonding' trip and she got stung by a bee?" "I'll never forget chaperoning for her school camp out and teepee-ing the boy's tent." "Yeah, you got permanently banned from all school field trips." We laugh together. It felt good to laugh. It seemed so long since we laughed together. I decide this is as good a time as ever to tell him about the baby. Somehow I feel like I'm about to betray Lizzie by telling him at her grave. However, I don't want Matt to overhear right now. I don't know if he could handle it right now. Anyway, I decide to bite the bullet and tell him. "Uh, Sam?" I begin. "Yes, honey?" "I need to tell you something. It's rather important." Sam looks at me concerned. "Sam, it's been a week since Lizzie died." "I know, where's this going?" "There was another message on the answering machine after we got home from the hospital." "Well, what is it?" I begin crying. Sam holds me close. "Sam, I feel like I'm betraying Lizzie!" "Where's this going, Jo?" "Ever since Lizzie died, Matt's been alone. I miss having a daughter. I know he misses his sister." "I miss her too, Jo. What's going on?" Sam looks so worried. "That answering machine message. It was Dr. James. Sam, she called to tell me that I'm pregnant," I said quickly, hoping he wouldn't hear. "What?" I regained my courage, "I'm pregnant, Sam. I'm gonna have a baby." Sam sat in silence. I know he was shocked. This was a lot to take in. He finally broke out of his stunned silence and smiles. "Jo, you're serious?" I nod, tentatively. "You're having a baby?" He smile widens. I stare at him, a bit shellshocked. Sam begins laughing, stands up and twirls me around, "We're having a baby. I love you so much, Jo!"
I was really surprised at Sam's reaction. I didn't think he would respond like that. "I love you too, Sam," I reply. I get serious for a moment. "Sam, I feel like somehow we're betraying Lizzie." "How? We've been trying to get pregnant." "I know, but I find out the same day my daughter died that I'm six weeks, well now seven weeks pregnant. Now, we'll be turning Lizzie's room into a nursery. Plus, I've told you this news at our daughter's grave." I begin crying. "Jo, look at me." I look away. "Jo, LOOK at me," he states firmly. He puts his hands on my shoulders, and continues, "You are in NO WAY betraying our daughter. It is NOT your fault that you found out about the baby when you did. It is NOT your fault that you found Lizzie that day. We don't know why Lizzie killed herself, but she did." I cry harder. "Jo, our daughter slashed her body with razor blades, bled out and died! She's dead, and we can't bring her back. We must move on." "I can't, Sam! I can't leave Lizzie!" "We're not leaving Lizzie. She left us. Moving on doesn't mean we don't love her. For whatever reason, she felt too much pain, but she loved us. She would have loved this baby. She would want us to go on with our lives, which means loving Matt and loving this baby." "Oh, Sam," I start. "Jo, we can love this baby. It won't take Lizzie's place, but we can love this baby." Sam holds me until quit crying. "Sam, when should we tell Matt?" "He's not going to take it well whenever we tell him. How about tonight?" "Tonight, it is." We stand up. I lay flowers on my daughter's grave, and we walk to the car together, hand in hand.
As soon as Matt came home from school, we greeted him at the door. "Matt, your mother and I need to talk." He looked at us with a puzzled expression on his face. "Come into the living room." "Mom, dad, what's going on?" Matt asked. I think he was afraid of another shoe dropping. "Matt," I begin, albeit a bit nervous, "you know we love you." "Yeah." "It's been a week since your sister died," Sam added. "No she didn't! My sister didn't die. She killed herself, like a loser!" "Matt," I begin. He starts to walk off. Sam stops him, "Matt, we need to talk." He sits back down. I look at Sam and he nods. "Matt, this week's been very hard on all of us. We're experiencing a difficult change for our family. When we got back from the hospital that day, there was a message on the answering machine." Matt cut me off, "Yeah, I know, the one from Miranda and Gordo. I heard that one, remember?" "No, there was another message, one from Dr. James," I begin. I take a deep breath, "Matt, I'm going to have a baby." Without saying a word, Matt stands up and walks off. "Matt," I begin. "Jo, just let him go." I put my head in my hands and cry. Sam pulls me into an embrace and cries with me. It's the first time I've seen him cry since that day.
A few minutes later, I knock on Matt's door. There's no response, so I open it to find he's not in there. "Jo, he's in here," Sam whispers. We knock on Lizzie's door. He doesn't respond, so I open the door. "Matt?" "Go away!" "Matt," I repeat. We enter the room. Matt is sitting on Lizzie's bed, clutching one of her pillows. He's trying to hide the fact that he's crying. "Matt, we know this is a lot to take in, and we're sorry."
"I miss Lizzie." I run my hand in his hair, "I do too, sweetie." "Why'd she do it, mom?" "I don't know. I wish I knew." "Didn't she love us anymore?" "Son," Sam adds, "she loved us very much." "Then, why did she cut herself?" "Wanna talk about it?" "Not really." "Matt," I add, "when we told you about the baby, you ran off. What are you thinking?" Matt looked angry, "What am I thinking? I'm thinking it's not fair! It's not fair that my sister was so selfish and wrapped up in herself, that she killed herself. It's not fair that she allowed you to find her like that. Now she's gone, and you're hauling in a replacement baby." "This baby is not a replacement for Lizzie. No one could take her place. No one could take your place either." "Yeah, right." Matt rolls his eyes. Sam interjects, "Your mother and I have wanted a third child for a couple years now." "Matt, I'm seven weeks pregnant; we didn't do this on purpose. If we'd known that Lizzie was going to do this, we probably would have waited to have another baby." Matt looks at us, "I know, it's just..." "It's just what, son?" Sam asks. "It's just, I miss Lizzie so much, and now without any time to get used to being without her, I find out there's another baby on the way." I cradle him in my arms, "I know, baby. I know."