CHAPTER SEVEN (THREE AND ONE HALF MONTHS LATER; TUESDAY)
Today, I found out Sam and I are having a girl. My ultrasound was today. I'm 24 weeks along, which is far enough along to see what the baby is. Sam and I debated a long time whether or not to find out. Part of me was curious, but the other part was afraid. Dr. James was so great. She knew about Lizzie and has been incredibly sympathetic toward us. Sam held my hand through the whole exam. Then the moment of truth. Dr. James put that cold gel on my abdomen. Sometimes I think she gets it straight from the refrigerator! It was so cold! She puts the instrument to my abdomen, and my baby appeared on the screen. I fell in love immediately. There was my baby. All of a sudden, everything was right in the world. Dr. James showed us the baby's spine, heart, and limbs. "Do you want to know what you're having?" she asked. Sam and I looked at each other and nodded. "It's a girl!" Suddenly, I feel a tear slide down my cheek. This is what I was afraid of. I'm excited, but scared too. Lizzie would have loved a sister. When I was pregnant with Matt, she begged me for a sister. She got her wish. I wish she was here to meet her. I look over at Sam, "We've got a daughter, Sam." He's grinning from ear to ear, "I hope she's as beautiful as her mother." I blush.
We get home before school lets out. I walk into what used to be Lizzie's room, and sit on the bed. The room is empty now, except for the furniture. The baby bed is unassembled by the wall, and the rocker is beside the window. The transformation from being a teenager's room to being a nursery is coming along, slowly but surely. Although I'm excited about the baby, part of me is sad. Sam knocks on the door. "Honey, are you okay?" I try to be strong, but I don't succeed. The tears flow and I shake my head. "Sam, it's a girl." "I thought you wanted a girl. Before you got pregnant, we talked about how much you missed getting to do those mother-daughter things you used to do with Lizzie, and that you felt kind of left out of the loop, since I have Matt, and Lizzie was in high school." "I do, I did. I don't know. That was before. Lizzie was alive then." He sat down beside me and put his hand on my abdomen, "This baby will be our little girl, just as Lizzie will always be our little girl. She will be our daughter on her own terms. She can never replace her sister. The only thing different than what we planned, is that Lizzie is not here any more." I feel a strange sensation and realize the baby is kicking. This is the first time I've felt my baby, my daughter kick. I start to laugh. "Sam, she's kicking!" "Wow! She's strong! I love you, Jo." He kisses me on the cheek. "I love you, too." "What should we name this little girl?" "Remember when I was pregnant with Matt? Lizzie was so funny. She wanted a sister so badly." "What was it she wanted to name the baby? It was something unusual." "It was something like Marin. I think one of her preschool friends was named Marin." "I like it. How about it, Jo?" "I like it too. What about for a middle name?" "How about Miranda? Lizzie always said if she had a little girl she wanted to name her after her best friend, Miranda." Sam smiles, "I like it. Marin Miranda McGuire." I make a face, "I want to put something spiritual with it instead. How about Faith? I want Marin to have a connection to her sister. How does Marin Faith McGuire sound?" "I like it. So, we're agreed?" I smile, "Yeah. Hi, Marin." I look down at my abdomen and stroke where my daughter is growing inside me. Now that we've named her, the baby seems so real. I hope Lizzie would be thrilled.
Matt knocks on the door. "Oh, hi Matt. I didn't hear you come in." "How was your day?" I ask. "Fine." "We had our ultrasound today. We found out what we're having." "I hope it's a boy. I want a brother." "It's a girl. Marin Faith McGuire," I announce. Matt frowns, "I was hoping for a boy." "Matt, Marin will never replace Lizzie. Is that what you're afraid of?" Matt stayed silent. I continued, "You know, Lizzie loved you so much, and she would have loved Marin just as much." "Well, then why did she do it, mom? If she really loved us, why did she kill herself?" "I don't know, Matt. I wish I knew." "I'm angry! Lizzie messed up our lives! She took the coward's way out and killed herself." Sam started to say something, but Matt cut him off, "She didn't just die. She wasn't in a car accident and she didn't die from cancer or something like that. No, she wasn't sick or in an accident. SHE TOOK RAZOR BLADES AND CUT HERSELF UNTIL SHE BLED TO DEATH! SHE WAS SELFISH! MOM, SHE LET YOU WALK IN HERE AND FIND HER ALL BLOODY AND COLD! I don't know if I can forgive her for that." The three of us held each other and cried until we couldn't cry anymore.