Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis, and make no profit from this story. It is for fan enjoyment only!
AN: Thanks for all the kind feedback; I appreciate it!
Mr. Mom
By KerrAvon
"We are glad that you decided to join us, after all," welcomed Keras upon their return. It was dusk by now, and a huge bonfire had been lit in a clearing to the side of the tree structures.
"Yes, well, we didn't have much of a choice. Our home Gate is not receiving signals right now," replied Zelenka wearily. "Do you have someplace we could sleep for a night?"
"Certainly. Our homes are yours." He gestured to the tree houses above them.
Radek looked up and gulped, mild acrophobia setting in. "Do you have anything…lower?" he inquired. "You see, we're very tired…"
Aries, who had just sauntered up, answered for his chief. "Say no more. We always set up pallets on the ground near the fire on feast nights. There are those who consume too much vinum at celebrations, and are unable to climb." He gestured towards the fire. "And we always have someone on watch to protect those who sleep from wild animals."
"Wild animals?" squeaked Wright, reconsidering the climb to the tree houses.
Aries flashed her a winning grin as they headed towards the fire. "The biggest thing I've ever seen in the area was a dracarn."
Schneider gulped audibly, glancing back towards the darkening forest. "What's a 'dracarn'?" he finally managed.
Keras shot a dirty look at a now-sniggering Aries, then replied, "A rabbit-like creature about this long." He held his hands approximately 24 inches apart. "It eats herbs and vegetables, but is so afraid of people that it rarely bothers our gardens." He gestured to a row of blanket-covered straw pallets set back from the feasting area, but close enough to the fire to stay warm even as it died down. "Here we are; your belongings will be quite safe. Just pick a bed, then come over and get some food." He smiled once again and headed off to the banquet area, where the villagers were already filling trays with steaming meats and multicolored fruits.
The team let out the collective breath it had been holding, then broke into smiles themselves. "That rabbit's dynamite!" quoted Taylor to a few chuckles as they began setting their packs and equipment down on the bedding indicated. Taylor and Wright then headed over side-by-side to join the festivities, exchanging Monty Python jokes and generally enjoying themselves.
Schneider, divesting himself of his equipment, paused a moment and frowned at Zelenka who stood stock-still, pack in place, staring blankly into the distance.
Placing a hand on his boss' shoulder, he was surprised when Radek leapt almost a foot into the air, swinging his head from side to side to identify his 'attacker'. "Worrying won't help anything; you know they must be all right," he commented. "Come on; you must eat." He jerked his head towards the feast.
Radek nodded in agreement, shuttered eyes revealing none of the turmoil in his thoughts. "Yes, of course." He managed to dredge up a smile, despite his worry. "You go ahead; I'll be right there."
The heavier man appeared unconvinced. "Are you sure?" he asked, glancing over to where the festivities seemed in full swing.
Zelenka waved him away. "Yes, yes. I am just setting down my things." To demonstrate, he began slipping out of his pack. Schneider appeared hesitant, but nodded and headed towards the food. Zelenka watched him go with a creased brow, mind literally light-years, but only one Gate away.
'What did McKay do now? I've only been away for a few hours! Can't he stay out of trouble for a single day?" His knapsack slid to the ground unheeded. 'I mean, he blew up an entire solar system; could he have blown up Atlantis?' Running a hand through his unruly hair, he sank onto the nearest makeshift bunk. 'Those Wraith cruisers were a day and a half away; they can't have gotten there that fast. Maybe a Hive ship was cloaked nearby? Could the cruisers have been a distraction?'
He buried his face in his hands. 'No. That mentally defective, self-centered, cowardly son-of-a….It had to be Kavanagh. I should have known better than to let him do anything important. Even if it was 'only' routine maintenance.' Rubbing his face with both hands, he raised his gaze to stare into the distance again. 'If that's the case, then at least Atlantis is intact. Rodney should be able to repair anything given enough time. I'll just have to be patient.'
His eyes were drawn to the sound of laughter. The villagers and his team were on the far side of the bonfire, eating from large communal platters and drinking from cups filled from a large barrel. He watched as Schneider animatedly tried to describe a dragon to the enthralled children, and his mouth quirked in amusement.
'Waiting here might not be so bad,' he continued, then sighed. 'Still, I'm just not hungry.' He dropped his head and rubbed at the knots in the back of his neck. 'I am tired, though.' He felt the rough texture of the blanket he was seated on, finding it surprisingly soft. 'I'll just rest my eyes for a few minutes…'
With that thought, he collapsed sideways onto the cover and was instantly asleep.
Some time later, Dr. Schneider realized that their leader was still absent. "Excuse me a minute," he apologized to Keras as he stood up. Catching Taylor's eye, he nodded over towards where he had left Radek and the two headed there. As they drew closer, Taylor was the first to catch sight of Zelenka, tilted sideways against the cover, snoring softly.
"Boy, that looks uncomfortable," commented Wright, as she came up behind them.
"Help me." Taylor went over and gently lifted Radek's legs until he was lying completely on the pallet, while Schneider found an extra blanket to spread over their still-slumbering colleague.
"That looks better," commented Wright as the three surveyed their handiwork. "Anybody up for more celebrating?"
Taylor and Schneider exchanged glances. "Sure, why not?" the older man replied. "That vinum's not so bad after the third or fourth glass!"
"Let's get to it, then." Wright linked an arm in the crook of each man's elbow, and the three headed back to the party.
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Radek slept the sleep of the just, or certainly the just tired, dreaming of the retribution he would have on his PowerBar consuming compatriot upon his return to Atlantis. After a while, the dreams wandered other realities, as dreams tend to do. Some were unsettling, while others were…nicer. He was in one of the more pleasant dreamscapes when he suddenly felt his wife's cold nose on the back of his neck.
'Not tonight, Ryba. Can't you see that I've had a hard day? I'm exhausted!' he thought to himself, too tired to even voice his objections. Maybe if he just lay still…The nose was insistent however, and soon a pair of wet lips joined it. 'That pig of a woman could never take a hint.' Radek managed to wave his hand vaguely in the direction of his amorous assailant and mumble, "Gerroufa me. Canja see I'm not ina mood?"
His complaint was met by an angry snort, followed by a low throaty growl that demanded his attention.
'Wait a minute. I divorced Ryba eight years ago! Where am I, and who's that?' Memory came rushing back to his sleep-addled brain, and his eyes popped open in alarm.
Careful not to move unnecessarily, Zelenka twisted his eyes to the right as far as they would go, then slowly turned his head. What met his startled gaze was a huge, tusk-snouted beast that held an uncanny resemblance to a wild boar, (or his ex-wife) but approximately twice as big. Its piggy eyes narrowed as they surveyed his now-awake visage, and the snorting became more aggressive. He could hear the party still going full-swing, and correctly concluded that the 'guard against wild beasts' hadn't been posted yet or had failed miserably.
"Nice piggy…good piggy…" he murmured in his most soothing tones as he slowly tried to inch his way away from the creature. The tusked animal wasn't buying it, however, and began blowing snot angrily out its nostrils as it stared him down. Sliding away as smoothly as possible hadn't worked, so he rapidly ran through his other options.
'Calling for help's no good; no one will hear me unless I yell, and that'll make him charge for sure.' He considered going for the 9mm he could feel still strapped in his leg holster, 'And how stupid is it to fall asleep with a loaded gun!', even as he admitted that he was a lousy shot. Still, he might get lucky…reaching slowly down with one trembling hand, he unsnapped the holster and flipped off the weapon's safety. The swine seemed to know what was up, and growled menacingly.
'Do pigs growl?' he thought somewhat hysterically. A soft breeze began to blow just then; to his credit, Radek managed not to jump when something brushed against his arm. Darting his eyes to the right, he noted one of the village's rope ladders was hanging just to the side of his pallet. 'More importantly, can they climb?'
Slowly gathering his feet beneath himself, he took a few deep, shaky breaths, then performed a leap that would make a frog jealous. He managed to snag a rung about 6 feet up and pulled with all his might, clambering a few more rungs before wrapping his arms into the ropes up to the elbows and hanging on.
The boar, startled, remained motionless for a second, then reacted. Head down, tusks bared, he rushed the base of the ladder in unreasoning fury, missing Zelenka's trailing foot by inches but managing to wedge his neck firmly between two of the lower ladder rungs. Further infuriated by the sudden restriction to his movement, the creature began shaking his head frenziedly, then rushing from one side to the other in an attempt to free himself. The ladder swung wildly in response, nearly dislodging the scientist who still hung on for dear life.
As he pitched back and forth, Radek giddily observed that the boar, like pigs back on Earth, did not possess the ability to climb ladders. Nor did they appear to have opposable thumbs. A particularly strong jerk, however, drove any errant thoughts from his mind, as one sweat-soaked hand lost its grip, nearly pitching him to the ground. He ended up dangling almost completely upside down, mere inches above the deadly tusks.
TBC….
AN: Ooooh an evil cliffie! I couldn't resist, even in a humor fic ;-) Hope everyone is enjoying poor Radek's plight.
Just a note on some names; In Czech, 'Ryba' means 'fish', 'Kazimir' means 'the great destroyer', 'Radek' means 'glad', and 'Zelenka' means 'little innocent one'. Doesn't seem like much of a 'glad little innocent one' in this fic, does he?