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Spoilers for season 5

A New Role

Jack's POV:

Ever since he died, Sydney has been different. After Danny, she was vengeful, angry, and passionate. Now she is struggling with a different type of anger, it's buried deep inside of her along with a sense of betrayal. Over the years we've come to a truce, or rather an understanding. Every time I see her I see Irina, I wonder if she'll see Vaughn in her child. The pain of losing someone you love destroys you, Sydney loved Danny, but not like she loved, still loves, Vaughn. When I first met him, I could hardly believe that pip-squeak of an agent was the one responsible for my daughter's safety. Despite my poor performance as a father, I had some of the instincts of one.

Since his death, my performance as a father has taken on new elements. No longer do I watch her sparkle in the arms of her current love. I don't fear for her life from afar, now I fear for it when I'm standing next to her. Irina would be shocked at the role I've taken in Sydney's life; she always disapproved of the distance I put between my daughter and me. Sydney grew up without me, probably at a certain point she forgot what it was like to have two loving parents around her. We had sworn to bring her up enfolded in a house of love, things change. I watch her sometimes and I wonder about her future, my grandchild's future. Will she be haunted forever by memories? She is stronger than I ever was, that's Irina's gift to her. Maybe she'll move beyond that pain and be able to connect to her child. She has learned a great deal from my mistakes. I helped her build the crib last night, she smiled and joked with me, that gave me hope. As a father, to watch you daughter suffer is perhaps the cruelest of all tortures, and goodness knows I've endured plenty. I cannot cure her pain, or even make it go away. For years I've been haunted by her misfortunes. She endured terrible things at SD-6, lost Danny, then chased Sloane across the globe, realized her mother was a Russian spy, then lost her fiancé for a second time. How is a father supposed to protect her daughter in this world? I did everything I could, when Sydney questioned my motives, loyalty, I never answered her. I can know watching her; everything questionable I've ever done was for her. I want her to be happy, to taste the joy of life, she deserves it.

Lost in thought I almost don't see her come up next to me.

Syd's POV:

My dad is standing facing away from me looking out the window. I watch him for several minutes surprised when he seems to remain unaware of my presence. My father is not one to lose touch with his surroundings. For years, as a double agent, that split second loss of focus could mean his life would be ended. Five years after I learned the truth about him, I can only marvel at his ability to compartmentalize. I'm fairly good at it as well, between both my parent's amazing abilities; my genes are probably as impressive as any are in this category.

I don't know if I should disturb him. He deserves a moment of reflection, but my urge to talk to him, to hear what he's thinking about, even for an arm around the shoulder or a handhold is too great. I walk up next to him, "Hey dad."

I can tell he's surprised that I'm here, but nothing changes for a moment. Then his head turns to me and his eyes soften.
"How are you sweetheart?" His voice is gentle and fatherly. It brings back memories from my childhood when he would tuck me at night. Once my mother died, he was gone, I no longer felt so safe.

"I'm okay dad, just tired." I hope he doesn't pick up on my defeated tone. He does, I can feel his eyes burning into me.

He takes me arm gently and leads me to his sofa, it's surprisingly soft.

"What's wrong?" He is studying me, making an effort to connect. This is strange; I've come to my dad to talk. For the longest time it was Emily, maybe Sloane even (I shudder), then it was Will and Francie, then Danny, and then Vaughn. Most of those people didn't know what my life was like. I couldn't really talk to most of them. I was alone, it was just Sloane. Then my dad and Vaughn entered the picture. Vaughn became my savior, my dad was still distant. He did watch out for me, but he couldn't connect with me, not really. Now that he's here with me, that he reaches out to me, I feel better, but still alone.

"I miss him, I don't know how to do this dad," I hate admitting how weak I feel to my father. He's so strong, so reliable. I've always admired that.

"Sydney, we're past the time when you hide how you feel from me. This is no longer something you should feel you have to do. It's okay to admit that you feel alone, and desolate."

I raise my eyes and meet his searching for some of that strength, "Remember when I got back from my two years with the Covenant?" He nods.

"I told you I needed you, your strength." He doesn't respond.

"I need that now; again, I don't know how to be a mom." I've admitted it.

His eyes register what I'm saying and regret fills them.

Jack's POV:

She's just told me in a sentence what she fears. She never had a mother around. Emily was the closest she had. Vaughn had, has, a wonderful mother. He would know how to be a good parent, she had never known good parents; one dead, the other as good as dead. I reach out to wipe a tear from her face, "Sydney, I have no doubt that you are going to be a wonderful mother." She gets that look of grateful surprise on her face. Her eyes widen, chin trembles and more tears fall.

"Sydney, love is the most important thing. You will love this child; you'll never wish to be parted from it. I know I was a terrible father to you, but you will not cower from your child out of pain. You know what you missed in your childhood; your child will never know those things."

She nods; I can see her realizing that is true. "I should go, it's getting late."

I stand with her, "I'm finished here, and I'll take you." I help her with her coat. She takes my arm and we walk towards the door. My place in her life has changed, and I'm grateful for that.