Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis, and make no profit from this story. It is for fan enjoyment only!
AN: The author's note at the end of this story REALLY contains spoilers for 'Critical Mass' - YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Mr. Mom
By KerrAvon
With a final shake, the boar managed to free himself, rattling Radek's teeth in the process. At the same time, Zelenka's 9mm slipped from its unsecured holster, falling to the ground with a thud-BOOM. The impact caused the weapon to accidentally discharge; as fate would have it, the bullet skewered the hapless beast's heart. The boar stood for a moment with an expression of sheer astonishment on its face, then crumpled sideways, dead.
Zelenka, equally stunned but not as dead, managed to extricate himself from the ladder by unraveling his ensnared leg from the rope and dropping to the ground in an ungainly heap. Groaning, he rolled over and clambered to his feet, heading for the weapon which had just inadvertently saved his life. He nervously kept an eye on the boar, giving the carcass a wide berth as he skirted over to where the 9mm lay. As he picked up what he would forever deem his 'lucky pistol', the alarmed partygoers finally arrived on the scene. They were all 'elders' of the village, as the youngsters seemed to have been put to bed. Staring first at the dead beast, then at Radek holding his gun, Keras shook his head in amazement. Then everyone began talking at once.
"An orbay! And a full-grown male at that!"
"You are truly a mighty hunter."
"No, no. I just…" Zelenka glanced around the crowd, flustered, as he secured his weapon back in its holster.
"How did you take him by yourself?"
"I have never seen one this large before!"
"It took five of us to kill one half this size, and many were injured." Several of the older boys were examining the carcass, impressed by its size and weight.
"It was an accident," Zelenka tried to explain to his unhearing admirers.
"Radek! Are you all right? We heard a gunshot!" The three scientists came puffing up, concern written all over their faces.
Zelenka was relieved to see them. He held his shaking hands out and shrugged, moving away from the group admiring the orbay. "I tried to tell them that I didn't mean to kill it, but they aren't listening."
Schneider, brows creased in concern, asked, "So what happened?"
Radek closed his eyes and shuddered at the memory. "I'd rather not describe the details; suffice to say that in trying to escape the beast, I dropped the gun and shot it."
Taylor's eyes widened. "Wow, talk about luck!"
The continuing commentary of the villagers floated behind them as they led a still-shaking Zelenka over to the feast area and sat him on a blanket near the fire.
"This will feed the village for several days…"
"Aries, you and Kal go get some rope; we'll hang it from a tree limb until daylight. We can prepare the carcass then."
Taylor noted that the Czech scientist was shaking like a leaf. Remembering that the man had fallen asleep without eating, he hastily poured a cup of vinum from the barrel and brought it over. "Here, drink this. It'll help calm your nerves."
Nodding, Zelenka took the proffered cup in both hands and brought it to his lips. He sniffed and, finding the scent of the fermented fruit juice not unpleasant, took a trial sip. He carefully rolled it around his mouth before swallowing, then grimaced at a slightly-bitter aftertaste.
Wright shrugged. "Hey, it's not a Chateau Lafite Rothschild, but it's palatable." Her face took on a stern edge. "And it will help calm your nerves."
Radek, glancing at all of their faces, acquiesced willingly. Closing his eyes, he held the cup to his lips and drained it dry it one go. Schneider's eyebrows tried to join his nonexistent hairline as he watched the scientist chug the potent drink. After he finished it off, Radek sighed, enjoying the feeling of warmth spreading to his toes. Opening his eyes, he held out the vessel. "Another?" he asked hesitantly.
Taylor grinned and refilled the cup. If anyone deserved to be a little tipsy tonight, it was the woebegone Czech genius and 'great hunter'.
By the time the native children returned to their guests, Radek had consumed three more glasses of vinum and was feeling happier than he had all day.
Keras approached him, both in awe and apology. "I am so sorry that you had such an unpleasant experience in our village. I have never before known of an orbay venturing into an inhabited area."
"Ish nothing," Zelenka slurred, vaguely waving a hand in Keras' direction. "Glad to be of service."
Keras smiled. "You certainly have been that. Orbay meat is difficult to obtain, and quite tasty. The men are securing the carcass now, to keep it safe from predators through the night. If you would like to take it back to Atlantis with you…"
Zelenka paled at the thought of hauling the 'orbay' back to the Gate. "No, no, no. You keep it. A present from us to you."
Keras grinned, pleased. "Then come! We must celebrate your bravery." By this time the remaining older villagers had returned from their duties, and cups had been surreptitiously refilled.
Raising his glass high, Keras said, "To our brave friend from Atlantis!"
A cheer went up, and everyone took a large gulp of the vinum.
"To his skill as a hunter!" Aries toasted. Everyone drank.
"And to his bravery!" cried another young man. Another gulp.
"To littering egomaniacs!" cried Zelenka, remembering Rodney's Power Bar wrapper. The villagers looked confused, but toasted regardless, to the amusement of Zelenka's team.
This continued for quite a while, Zelenka matching the youngsters drink for drink. He had to admit that he was a lot less shaky now, and felt warm and appreciated for the first time in months.
The remaining scientists took small sips of their vinum during the celebration, in silent agreement that if Zelenka was going to finally unwind, they were going to stay sober enough to watch out for him for the rest of the night.
A few hours later, a beautiful young lady demurely approached the blanket where Keras and Radek sat cross-legged among the other Atlanteans, exchanging stories like old friends. She knelt in front of her chief elder, holding out two liquid-filled bowls, one brown and one green.
"Of course," Keras seemed pleased. Taking the proffered objects, he turned towards the Czech. "As a great orbay-slayer, you must wear the ceremonial designations for bravery."
The other scientists exchanged concerned glances, moving subtly closer to their companion in case he needed protection.
Keras held out the two bowls in explanation. "Green and brown; the colors of the forest; the colors of the hunt." As an afterthought, he added, "The colors of life. For you to wear this paint symbolizes the honor you hold in slaying such a dangerous beast."
Zelenka sighed and dropped his head in defeat. Weir was constantly lecturing the away teams on participating with native customs to foster better relations; she would be quite disappointed should he refuse this small request. Raising his eyes again, he slurred, "Whada I do?"
"You need only remain still. Aries?" He turned to his second, who approached Zelenka and the others.
Assuming the tonality of a monk, Aries dipped his finger in the green liquid and drew a circle onto the 'hunter's' forehead. "The forest is dark, and we must hide within it."
"We must hide," chanted the other young adults. Startled, the Atlanteans looked about to find themselves surrounded by seated villagers, all staring directly at the proceedings.
"Keen eyes stare through the night," he continued, removing Radek's glasses and painting the eyelids above and below with the brown liquid.
The diminutive scientist wanted to protest that his eyesight was far from keen, especially without his glasses, but the objection stilled on his lips as the group repeated, "Keen eyes."
"Ever alert, he spies his prey." Oh, now this was too much. The blasted thing woke him from a sound sleep!
"Ever alert," intoned the others, as Aries drew large eyelash markings around the Czech's eyes. At this point Zelenka allowed the vinum to take over and he zoned out the rest of the ceremony, staring unblinkingly ahead. The other scientists, noting what they took to be his calm acceptance, made no objections as the ceremony wen on to their repair of the shield generator. By the end of the observance, they all sported at least a modicum of facepaint and straw plaited into their hair. Schneider in particular was impressed in the young people's ability to get it adhered to his scalp.
"And may happiness and good fortune shine on you all the days of your lives!" The liturgy was finally at an end, and a great cheer went up. Everyone began to clamber to their feet, shaking the 'honorees' hands and clapping them enthusiastically on the back. Only Zelenka stayed where he was, cross-legged and unmoving.
Taylor noticed first, and knelt swiftly by his side. Despite his widely open eyes, Radek's stare was vacant and unseeing.
"What's wrong with him?" hissed Wright, who settled on the other side.
Schneider joined the group, going onto his hands and knees, and putting an ear a few inches from Zelenka's slightly open mouth.
"Is he breathing?" asked Taylor in alarm. 'Great. Go to a non-industrialized village and give one of our top scientists alcohol poisoning…'
Schneider flashed him a grin. "He's snoring!" he chortled.
Wright's brows drew together in confusion as she inspected his still-open eyes. "You mean he's asleep?" She waved a hand in front of Radek's face without a response.
Schneider stood up again. "Yep. Somewhere he must have learned to sleep with his eyes open. Talk about useful! I wish I could do that…"
"It'd sure make some of Dr. McKay's diatribes easier to sit through; at least you'd be doing something more useful than listening to his self-congratulations," Taylor grimaced. "Come on. Help me get him over to the sleeping cots."
The two men hoisted a still-slumbering Radek between them and carried him over to the sleeping area while Dr. Wright went over to say goodnight to Keras and the others on their behalf. Someone had moved Zelenka's things off the bloodied straw, then removed that bed altogether. The men settled him on another nearby and covered him with extra blankets, assuring that not only one, but two guards were in place. Only after that did they settle on their own pallets and go to sleep.
---------------------------
"Zelenka. Zelenka. Hey, Radek, wake up!" The Czech genius groaned as consciousness returned. Someone appeared to be using a jackhammer on his skull, so hard that even his teeth ached. He gradually became aware of an enthusiastic hand shaking his shoulder, which was not improving the situation.
"Please! Stop that! And not so loud," he rasped hoarsely, hands flying up to keep his head from falling off as he slowly levered himself into a sitting position. He hadn't felt like this since he'd drunk those two Russian lacquer-box salesmen under the table back in '92… He covered his face with his hands to keep out the light, while resting his head on his drawn-up knees
"But we have great news." Taylor dropped his tone of voice to a calm whisper; he'd had too many hangovers of his own over the years. "Shortly after breakfast this morning, we got a transmission from Atlantis. They had a bit of a scare with a bomb or something, but everything's been cleared up now."
"We can go home!" exclaimed Wright enthusiastically, forgetting Zelenka's headache until a groan issued from the vicinity of the miserable man. "Oops, sorry," she whispered belatedly.
He blearily pried one eye open to glare at the redhead, but stopped short when he saw the dabs of facepaint and the braided straw that adorned her hair. "You might want to…clean up…before we go back," he suggested, gesturing to her face.
She snorted in an unladylike fashion. "You should talk."
"What do you mean?" Radek remembered very little after refusing to take the dead animal home as a trophy.
As a reply, Wright shot Taylor a grin, then produced a hand-mirror out of her LBE. "See for yourself."
Opening the other eye as well, the Czech took the mirror with a degree of trepidation. Rightfully so, it turned out. He could barely recognize himself in the glass. Turning his head from one side to the other, he decided that he looked like a stoned hippie playing cowboy-and-indian dress-up. Throw in another part Australian aborigine, and you covered the appearance of his hair, as well.
"Oh no. McKay will have a field day with this," he groaned. "We'll have to wash up before we go back."
Schneider suddenly appeared, chewing enthusiastically on what appeared to be a turkey leg. Zelenka ruthlessly suppressed the bile that rose in his gorge at the thought of eating anything, much less something that…heavy. Instead he tried to concentrate on what the man was saying.
"So you see, we can't remove this stuff until we get back to Atlantis."
Radek almost shook his head, then thought better of the action. "What? I missed that. Why do we have to return looking like the rejects from an Avon party?"
"Because wearing this," Wright gestured to her face and hair, "Is a symbol of honor, bestowed by the kids. If they see us without it, they might be offended. Better to play it safe, and wait until we're back home.
Zelenka was too tired and achy to argue. "Fine, fine. Let's just say our good-byes and go." He staggered to his feet, holding his head carefully still.
Taylor handed him his backpack. "Already done. They wished us a safe journey when we were at breakfast. We didn't think you'd be wanting any food, but I could get you some…"
Radek quelled another bout of nausea as he waved his hands. "No, no, you were correct. I do not believe I could manage much more than water right now."
Schneider handed him a canteen as he shouldered his own pack. "We've got plenty of that. When we get back, you might want to see Beckett. I'll lay odds that he has something to help both your head and your stomach."
Zelenka managed to get down a couple of mouthfuls of water before handing it back. Carefully he nodded. "I will do that, thank you. The fresh air on the way to the Gate might help as well." So saying, the group headed off on the now-familiar path to 'The Well'.
The trip took longer this time, as they had to take frequent breaks. Zelenka was quite dehydrated from the night before, and was easily tired. At each stop however, one of the group made certain that he drank some water, and, once she was certain that he wouldn't throw them up, Wright managed to produce a couple of aspirins. By the time they arrived at the Gate, the Czech scientist actually felt halfway human.
As Schneider dialed their address and relayed the signal, Zelenka ruminated on the previous day and a half. All-in-all, the entire experience hinged on a piece of litter that Rodney had dropped into the field generator. Then, to compound matters, he was the one who had ordered Zelenka to clean up his mess. When he was feeling up to it, Zelenka would make certain Rodney knew just what he thought about that.
Taylor, noting the grim expression on Radek's face, asked, "Is something wrong?"
Zelenka's eyes narrowed, promising mayhem. "Rodney McKay had best not say a word to me today," he hissed vehemently.
The other scientist quirked the corner of his mouth and nodded. "Not if he has an ounce of common sense."
Wright, just about to enter the wormhole, turned back to her trailing companions. "He's not known for his common sense. Brilliance, maybe, but not common sense." Then she was gone.
Radek, in an angry burst of energy, strode towards the Gate. 'Let's just go home and forget this ever happened."
Taylor shrugged wordlessly and followed his leader up the steps. Schneider and Wright had already gone through, and he paused as Radek entered the event horizon. Alone now, the black scientist glanced back in the direction of the village and grinned. "'Forget this ever happened'? Not on your life!" Whistling cheerfully, he walked into the wormhole himself. 'Or, more accurately, 'In a pig's eye'…' he thought as the Gate whisked him home.
The End
AN: SPOILERS AHEAD………………………………………
I counted up the time that seemed to elapse in 'Critical Mass', and it seemed to be somewhere between thirty-six and 48 hours (the Wraith ships were a day-and-a-half out when Zelenka et al left, and most of the action/conflict seemed to occur within an hour or two of the ships' arrival), so I figured that they were on the planet about that length of time. Also, when Zelenka comes down the hall towards Rodney, in the background you see three other people with similar face-paint and straw-plaited hair, albeit not to the degree of Radek's. One was a red-head woman (at least on my TV, she looked red-headed), one was a black man (I think it was a man - it's sometimes hard to tell in those outfits with just a brief glimpse), and the third was a balding middle-aged man. Hence, my characters of Wright, Taylor, and Schneider. Hope you liked them. I forsee a lot of 'pig' jokes in Radek's future...
Don't forget to check out my other stories if you liked this one!